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Fossil-Dragon-Messiah
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Fossil-Dragon-Messiah
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Nazis in Equestria.
I know people say be original or do something original with an unoriginal idea, but...
This is just...
6029984 soooo... Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
6030006
I don't really know. It does seem interesting and it does seem a good amount of effort was put into it, it is just i am actually writing a story of my own at the moment. I am definitely going to give this a read, though.
6030006 Do you speak German fluently, I'm in need of someone who can type German for my story later on, so even if your busy now.
6030182 Nope!
6030186 Ha, okay, still a fun story.
6030182 hey i know that comment is 8 days old but do you still need somepony for typing german because i can speak and write german to 100%
6060191 I'd take you up on that offer! Can I just send you things I need translated via PM? I'll include what I'm trying to say as well, or I can just send entire chapters so you could pre-read them
6100160 sure thing
What does Das Wiederaufleben mean in English?
6848900 essentially "the resurgence" or "the revival"
Okay. Let's see here... Let's start with the beginning then. I'll go by chapters here.
To keep this short, there are a lot of reasons your story could be doing "poor" by your standards. I'll try to touch on some of the ones that I noticed, and some potential issues. These are just my opinion though, I don't speak for everyone that has read this story.
Description
I want you to keep in mind that you do have a very potentially interesting story. "Neo-Nazis" is an interesting thing to throw in there in the description, and it might be a reason why some people don't like your story. You pretty much give away the story in the description. Neo-Nazi's attack, hurt the Princesses, and now Scoots and her team must stop the Fourth Reich. I can only assume that they are successful. Some folks might die along the way, but there isn't much to make me want to keep going.
I would advise to not show so much of your hand so fast. Instead of going on about the Princesses and the Neo-Nazis, give it some mystery. Something like:
"But during a peace conference with the Changeling Empire, an deadly foe strikes from the shadows and threatens to overturn not just Equestria, but the very world that so many have strive to make. Now it is up to Commander Scootaloo and her team to stop this evil before it's too late and the world erupts in war."
Cloaks it, hides it, doesn't give a lot away. Maybe it will make the readers go "Hmm, what is this about?" That should always be the goal of your description, to act as a hook to immediately catch potential readers' attentions and draw them to your story. The best way to do that is to make the potential reader wonder what is going on, or what is happening next.
Tags, you are appealing to a pretty specific group of readers who will be expecting some sexy action adventure with blood, guts and glory. That's a high mark to be aiming for.
Chapter 1: Meet the Team
So my expectations for this chapter was that I was going to very formally be introduced to some team. The best ways to do this is through the eyes of a new recruit, as they too must get introduced to the team and the base that they are operating in. The reader might as well tag along for that, it's a good place. Even though it said "tomorrow morning" I assumed that was what we would be seeing anyways. I was wrong. I do like that the story started with a journal excerpt. I really like stories that decide to do that with a journal, or a note, or something that belongs to a character. It's an excellent place to build up details that are happening behind the scenes that don't quite fit into the chapter, or gives a great expansion of the world the story is in.
There are mistakes through out the first chapter. One of the very first is the use of "tomorrow morning" twice so closely together like that. It's a bit jarring, and prevents good flow from happening in the story. Flow is incredibly important to a story. It is what gives the story rhythm. Think of the flow as a sort of song you are singing to the reader, trying to put them asleep so they can fall into the dreamworld of imagination you have created from this story. Any interruption to that flow, something that distracts the reader, causes a bump. The readers will either shift slightly at this bump, or get waken up completely.
The German you use, could be considered one of those interruptions as well, but it depends on how it is correctly handled. Personally, if I used it, it would belong with just one main character, using it sparingly and not be the title.
I think this might be the first time I've read an account of bat-ponies being German. The ones I am familiar with are usually Transylvanian or not very different from normal ponies, or have an entire culture and language of their own. I think my favorite was the use of bat screeches and clicking noises of their own that they use to talk to each other. But, anyways, German bat-ponies, not against them, just find it an interesting idea.
Let's more on to some other things:
The underlined section made no sense. It gave her a wave of nostalgia, perhaps?
What is the importance of this? You want information in your story that is relevant to your reader, that plays a part in the story. This area right here would have made for a wonderful area to expand upon the world that you've created. Clearly, it is connected well to the TV show. But we have elements in here that the show doesn't have. Like guns, armor, laser-based weapons in R&D stages, and panzer tanks. So... who do the tanks belong to, and why are their tanks? What sort of world is this? What has happened?
You don't have to show all of your cards at once, but this is where you start laying a few down. What happened to RD, why the memory was significant, Scoot's Team, the base, how things changed, etc. Give me the reason why the army is there. Did a forward military base get set up in Ponyville because why? Has there always been an army or is this a new thing. Did guns and ballistic weapons always exist or is that new (I am leading more into chapter 2 with the guns thing, but point still stands)?
There is a lot of world building you can do, and would be necessary to doing, But instead you choose to scrap by with the bare requirements of 1,088 words.
Chapter Two: Enter the New Guy
IMHO, I would have gone with FNG, myself.
The first thing I want to hit with this chapter are the inconsistencies. Because, oh my gosh, there are a lot.
First, let's discuss ranks. In the first chapter, Scootaloo was a Commander. In the second chapter, which is supposedly the next morning, she is bumped clear down to the ranks of Lance Corporal. Which according to the United States Marines, that is the rank above a Private. The rank actually no longer exists in the current US Army, but it is equivalent to a Private First Class. An NCO is leading one of Equestria's most elite strike teams. John "Soap" MacTavish in CoD 4, the character you play, held the rank of Sargent when he begins his SAS career, and there is nothing special about his team.
Scoots teammates also hold the ranks of Sergeant (Fangs) and Lieutenant and later General (Marks). An NCO cannot give orders, or command a squad with a Sergeant and then a commission officer holding positions in the team. I don't know how Marks did it in less than five minutes, but he jumped clear to a General from being a Lieutenant. The guy passed like, five or seven pay grades. Chrysalis is apparently an idiot because she thinks that the Lance Corporal is higher than a General.
Weapons of that caliber are weird in Equestria. Have they always been there, or is it new? Why does Ponyville need a base? If it was to protect Princess Twilight, then why not incorporate the base into the palace? There are things that you should be explaining in this.
Why is a Lance Corporal checking the defenses of the base? That should be someone else's job if she is a leader of an elite team, or it should have been an order given by the base commander. Speaking of him, where is the base commander? Why was he/she and probably a full cabinet of national and base level officers not present? Shouldn't everyone have been in their parade ground best, not just carrying around as business as usual?
What about the Royal Guards that accompany the Princesses? I'm sure Canterlot would have deployed it's own security measures, as well as a extra company, to the base if this was so important. The Royal Guards themselves would have acted like the Secret Service and taken the place over, and conducted their own security and detachments. Seriously, United States Secret Service guys, they make very, very sure the area is secured and safe. If we are in a more militarized Equestria, then I would expect the same behavior and actions from the Royal Guard as the Secret Service.
There are points of confusion in this chapter too, like this:
I'm not sure what he is getting at. If there is some joke I'm not getting or what, then later on it was explained that a new recruit made the mistake. For half a minute, I thought I had missed the new recruit for Scoots team.
The yelling/fight/argument/disobedience to superior offices was weird for such an elite and highly trained team. Like, all of it. Not just in the armory, but also in front of the Princesses.
Which reminds me, why was Lieutenant/General Marks checking on the weapons? There are, in real life, literally people paid and trained to maintain, service, repair, and order weapons and ammunition for a base. This would be primary the job of the logistics officer, Master-At-Arms, and the troops paid or assigned to the weapon lockers that day. I don't know specifics, but there are a shit ton of folks there making sure every bullet is well kept.
There are incomplete words:
Pretty sure you meant "animal". The explaination around it was cool, but weird that there are all of these weapons, I'm guessing they are kept roughly WW2 era, and we're relying on a giant tortoise skin for armor... Because it's super durable, and never done in Equestria. If it is so plentiful and protective, why aren't the Royal Guards wearing it? You want to give your guys defending the Princesses some really good stuff. So either they have better stuff (which begs the question why one of the most elite strike teams in Equestria doesn't have them), shiny is better?
I will admit, I sort of glazed over at the end. Chrysalis' appearance was on the boring side of things. I sort of zoned out except for the new recruit. I would think that a bigger heads up would be given to the commanding officer of a elite strike team, if a former hostile enemy combatant, or a individual belonging to a nationality that wasn't trusted, was incorporated into the team, would have a much larger heads up about it.
TL;DR
So what I think is killing you is your lack of world building, or explaining your world here, and military inconsistency. Especially the ranks and explain the tech more. You need to do research and check you facts, make sure your story is sound.
There are also a good handful of minor grammar mistakes, and some rather major ones in the story as well. All of which would take too long to explain on here, or too short to be of worth. A Google Document would be a much better place to give it a top editing job.
6859466 I appreciate your feedback. I really do. It disheartens me to know that I have messed up that badly. In your opinion, do you think this story is capable of salvaging?
6859733
Don't let yourself get down. Things happen, mistakes are made, and we just need to learn from them and move on.
Technically, yeah. It is possible to salvage your story, but that depends on how much effort you want to put into this, and how attached to it you are. If you want to address all the concerns I've listed... Well, from a editor's stand point, you'll be looking at doubling the length of Chapter 1 (at the very least), and Chapter 2 would be a near total rewrite to fix the plot holes. It depends on how fast you are at things, but probably looking at close to two weeks to a month. It is possible to find a really good editor who would be willing to stick out the time it takes to fix it all. But you'd have to be there with them too. They can't fill in the world building gaps unless you expect a co-editor.
Personally. I would abandon this story and write a slightly different one to this. Still have Scoots be in an elite team and have guns, tanks, and what nots. Maybe even strike out on a new path with different tech. Like Bioshock stuff. But modify the plot to maybe something more A-Team-ish, or they are on assignment in another land and things go side-ways. I would find a author or an editor and see what degree of help they are willing to give. Maybe even see about co-writing.
Now don't feel discouraged or like I am kicking your dog. Authors love their stories, and I love it when people make stories. Creativity is a wonderful treasure that no one is too old to experience. Always keep your imagination strong.
6859859 Thanks. I have gotten a co-author, and I don't think I'll be abandoning this. And don't worry about hurting my feelings. I asked for your criticism, and I can take it like an adult
Sehr interessant. A little Deutsch piques m' interest quickly. Thanks for pointing this one out in the group; I probably would've missed this otherwise.
6969023 no problem! Glad you are enjoying it *at least it seems that way*
How soon until Scootaloo starts being badass?
7307915 Soon, have patience my friend
Interesting.
7729021 thank you
I'm kind of busy at the moment, so a short sum up of this chapter will have to do for now.
Storywise, you have proposed some interesting ideas for this world. Though I can't say much from this short chunk...
Some things I noticed:
I know German (not native German speaking though), but still there were some words I had to look up. Be aware that for people not acquainted with German(e) may this be enough to stop reading. For example Fang's song seemed completely unnecessary...
There were some spelling errors, like "swivled" (should be "swiveled") or "her self" ("herself").
However, the biggest problem are unclear or clumsy sentences just like:
"Eventually Scootaloo got and walked towards..." She probably "got up".
"What's cooking?" That means like "What's going on?" You probably wanted to say "What are you cooking for dinner?" or "What's for dinner?"
"I'm vorking on an ammunition efficient anti-armor energy weapon!" I'm not sure what Fang wanted to say with this statement. Like ammo efficient in piercing armor? Or ammo for anti-armor energy weapon?" There are too many words.
Also, there were a few long sentences that maybe contained lots of interesting information, but the reader doesn't remember how did the sentence start even before he gets to its end.