- Member Since 9th Aug, 2013
- offline last seen February 7th
PandoraChild
changed my name to keep people from finding this lol
PandoraChild
Joined 9th Aug, 2013 ·
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- GeodesicDragon · 2.7k words · 135 1 · 4.1k views
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I'm fairly certain these conflict with each other.
5986898
Just using them as character identifiers.
Quite frankly this is not too shabby at all. The pace is good, the environment well shown, the dialogue is believable, the set of events feels like it could happen (also you pulled the good old 'someone's watching from outside' trick, but you didn't do the whole 'oh I thought I saw some green moving there, but nah it was probably my imagination' so kudos) and the banging, although not exceptional, was well handled.
I just have one quarrel with this story, and to me it feels like quite a fault: those good looks. I know this is supposed to be a 'you are the main character' story but there's something that doesn't feel right. You, the author, chose our outfit, why not describe our appearance? I know it makes relating to the character harder, but it's that or automatically giving us some good looks that makes literally every girl we meet go bashful and/or horny. We're still very very very far from the Stu but making us an instant chick magnet feels wrong.
Why don't you describe these looks a bit? Like 'your' well groomed hair, maybe our piercing eye colour, our thankfully well formed nose, our lips; basically stuff vague enough not to ruin the immersion. For the musculature, I'm not sure how to feel since the only thing there is to describe it is 'no extra weight'.
But who cares, it's just porn/erotica/whatever. This is just a writing tip.
Other than that, 4 outta 5, so well done
5987418
You've got a good point, I'll add some more description to the opening paragraphs before posting chapter two (so that new readers will have the description).
Thanks for enjoying! This is my first clopfic, so having it not be that widely received as good (that rating spread though) is a little disinheartening, but I'm going to finish it anyway.
5987435 Great!
I know what you mean, but you can't stop otherwise the story just freezes and stays stuck in the forgotten section forever. Having it continue means updates are noticed which means more readers, etc.
Great story. You get a favorite.
5989390
Thank you!
Great story so far, can wait for the next chapter. Keep up the good work!
He should have a threesome with treble and vinyl. Also do anal with Berry, why? Cuz berry seems like a gal who'd like anal.
5998580
Stop spoiling the fuckin story goddamn >.<
5998714
I'm psychic!?!?
Nice chapter, man
More!!!
5998714 Still alive buddy?
Update?
6272634
6301723
Sorry all, been in Tanzania for a while. Back to writing now!
6315302 Huzzah!
6315302
Yeah! Welcome back
6315302 Still alive?
6505806
Yep. Been busy with school and other stories. Hopping back here in a bit.
You should add the Second person tag to this instead of just having it in the description.
Will this story have any sex scenes, implied or otherwise, where the woman does most or all of the work? Why isn't there a porn tag?
Took your god damn time with this one haven't you? Gave up on this awhile back thinking its never gonna get continued, so imagine my surprise when i saw this on the front page. I just hope maybe it gets finished someday cause its really good.
9262610
Maybe! Not gonna lie I haven't thought that far ahead, plus I'm much more dom than sub so I don't even know if I'd be able to write a convincing submissive perspective. Maybe three and a half years ago when I was more submissive, but then again this isn't a self-insert. Who knows? And I guess there isn't a porn tag because I haven't posted anything on this site for years now. It's changed so much!
9262700
Sure did lmfaooooo, maybe I'll write the next chapter soon, maybe not c: whom's't've knows?
Great job
Great story. Thoroughly enjoyed.
1 thing though. In chp1 he was an earthpony. Now he has magic. Otherwise fantastic, can't wait for more
9265181
Oh fuck, yeah, you’re totally right. I’ll retcon that in. Perks (cons) of writing chapters 3.5 years apart lmfao
Please finish this now