• Member Since 28th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 13th, 2012




WARNING: This story is currently suffering from major grammar faults.
If you are really annoyed by said grammar faults then i suggest turn back now.
If you are not then proceed reading.
Help is gladly accepted to solve this issue and make this a story people with OCD for grammar can read without wanting to kill me.

It is also put on hold until school decides we are done with all assignments.

"In the darkness of the night there roams a shadow.
The goals of this shadow noone knows but that is for the very few who knows of its existence.
This shadow is a entity that Equestria has never before seen and by it's plans never will see.
What will happen when the Mane 6 meets this mysterious shadow if they ever will be able to catch up to it."

I suggest not to think of shipping by the title. As my plans are it wont be involved at all.

Story about a OC i made which i really wanna see come to life in a story.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 8 )

Okay... where to start?

There are a lot of both spelling and grammar errors. I can overlook one or two, but this is ridiculous. Capitalization errors, comma splices, and the kitchen sink was all thrown in there.

Now with the story itself... it seems to by jumping from topic to topic sporadically without any justification. There's Luna at first... then Twilight... then Derpy... then Pinkie Pie?

I see you're trying to do a CardsLafter-like story technique with the asides you throw in (kinda like this). This is a hard writing technique to successfully pull off. It either comes off as really funny or really annoying.

You should continue writing. Use a browser like Google Chrome when typing and it'll underline any spelling mistakes you make. Find an angle in your story and tell it your own way. And if you are going to jump from topic to topic, justify it somehow.

I will not either thumbs up or thumbs down the story. Instead I'll make a judgement later as you continue... and if I decide to look at this again.


Some very nice critisation thats good.
I will admit i am not the best at English language bit it is doable. wrote the thing in a normal Text document late at night. But ye that doesnt make up for bad quality.

As for the story on this chapter.
This was just a random day of ponyville going on. Would be a bit much to spend an entire day speaking to only one person so she visited different ones.

Luna might be involved a bit later. Or maybe not only time can tell.

Due to my quite awful nature at writing i will completely admit it won't ever be anything put as quality but i will have known i tried and went sinking with my ship. Feeling at least a little proud i tried.

Story angle that will probably be something third person-ish since It was supposed to be about the OC but he wont really be active until later which makes first person sort of impossible untill he arrives in the focus.

You are fully allowed to do a thumbs down since ii would probably fully agree myself this could be done ALOT better.


I'm not telling you to give up! You should keep on going.

Your comment above has less errors than your story, so I know you can correct it.

I understand you wanted it to just be a regular day, but it was just too sporadic. You CAN change perspectives throughout both the story and even within the chapter, but it has to be smoother. As for how to do this... I'm not the person to ask. I can detect grammar errors, but my own storytelling skills are less than desirable. :twilightsheepish:

Be confident! I have ideas of stories of my own, but to be honest I've been too scared (and lazy) to write them. You're putting yourself out there, and that takes guts. Be proud of yourself and trek on with your story! :twilightsmile:


Grammas has forever been my weakpoint in all languages i do.
Thing i can do good is spelling(mostly). And word correction i will have try pry around and change from my native language to english since it is red marking every single word i type.

But thank you for telling you opinions.
I will try to keep the things in mind when i decide to write next chapter which probably will be in a while since this week is just bombarded with school work.


I really like the idea of Trixie returning to duel Twilight, that has a lot of potential. Unfortunately, with the amount of grammatical, general formatting and consistency issues, it would probably be easier to start over than to edit what is there. As I said, it's a great idea for a story, but the problems in what I read are from the ground up. I'm sure if it was written in your native language it would probably turn out much much better, but your very basic grasp of written English overwhelms everything in the story.

Now a couple of issues with the story itself (not including spelling and grammer):
--The two chapters feel like completely differant stories. I'm sure the mysterious black pony will show up again later, but right now it feels very disjointed from one chapter to the next.
--Twilight Sparkle has nothing planned for the day? I believe this would be considered very out of character for her. Even if she was just going around to visit her friends, she would have had it planned.
--Twilight is challenged to a magic dual, and she doesn't even mention it to her friends when she sees them.

You said above, "Story angle that will probably be something third person-ish since It was supposed to be about the OC but he wont really be active until later which makes first person sort of impossible untill he arrives in the focus."

This sounds like your planning on changing the narrative point of view (POV) mid-story.This is not a good idea, changing the POV in the middle of a story is nearly impossible to achieve, unless the POV change is treated as a seperate story. The only example I've seen of this that worked really well was in the story "Moonstone Cup" where the writer, Cyanide, flawlessly jumped from the main story which used a 3rd person limited POV to a side story that used a 1st person narrative POV.

You also mentioned that Luna may or may not be involved later in the story. I'm really hoping that you know now whether this is true or not and just said that so that readers don't know until it happens. It's a good idea to have the entire story outlined from start to finish before you ever start writing the bulk of it.

Anyways, sorry to be rather blunt (it's really the only way I know to be:pinkiesad2:). I'm going to keep watching this and see where you go with it. :pinkiehappy:

Hm i wonder how you found this story somewhat. As it was written long ago and now should be hidden far in the deeps.
Also I am working on the other chapters slowly but surely.
third chapter has some long AN ranting about some stuff you mentiond.
I am in full agreement first 2 was bad and i will here say a short of what i did for AN next chap.

1. Changing to 2nd pony view
2. Adding a summary so people can skip the whole first 2 chapters since they are so faulty. But I will leave them there as a "This is where i was" note of how things are going if my writing is improving.
3. The Shadow is gonna be the main character of the story supposedly. But I am gonna take a while to get to him really. (I imagine maybe 3-4 chapters).
4. I am gonna stop writing in a TXT doc and write on microsoft word.

5. i am gonna stop writing in 2 hours at 1am in the morning.( doesn't contribute to quality)
6. Plan more

I dig for the obscure, you wouldn't believe the amazing things I find that people have completely forgot about.

And like I said before, I'm gonna keep watching, because the last story I read that had a duel between Twilight and Trixie was fuckin' awesome.

Sadly I don't think I can fulfill your expectations of the duel.
But I can get to post out chapter 3 (which i wrote on a TXT doc once again) just so it is out there.
You can read that and see if anything got better.

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