• Published 22nd May 2015
  • 1,518 Views, 26 Comments

Discord's Discombobulating Discounts - Lost_Marbles



Discord opens up shop in Ponyville. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie are his first customers...

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Discord's Discombobulating Discounts - Chapter 4
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“Get your free punch here! Free punch! You gotta love it!”

In the Ponyville marketplace, voices rang out from various vendors vying to veer visitors to view their valuables. Among these stalls dedicated to carrots, apples, sweets, pottery, flowers, and other things was a hastily-built stall with two new faces--Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie.

As she stood behind the stall lined with paper cups full of purple punch, Rainbow Dash sported a huge smile. Her partner-in-pranks, however, did not share her enthusiasm.

Rainbow smiled even more as a familiar face, Derpy, came up to the table. Rainbow hoofed over a cup, and the mare downed the drink, said, “Thank you,” then took flight back into town.

As soon as the mare took her drink, a mental timer started in Rainbow’s head as she watched Derpy fly away. 25… 24… 23…

“Hey, Dashie?”

Without turning her eyes away from her latest victim, Rainbow answered, “Yeah, what is it, Pinkster?”

“Um, I reaaaally think we’re taking this prank a little too far. We should probably stop now.” Pinkie’s voice lacked its usual confidence. In fact, it had a little bit of a warble to it, but Rainbow was too invested in watching her target to notice.

“What’re you talking about? It just harmless ‘poot-punch’. It’s not hurting anypony.”

Pinkie moved in front of Rainbow, blocking her view of Derpy. “See, that’s the thing, Dashie. It may not hurt to fart, but it can be very embarrassing. I don’t want to publicly embarrass somepony.”

Rainbow shifted to the side. It was getting close. “3… 2… 1…”

Derpy’s tail blasted up as a huge fart launched her forward in the air. The sudden boost sent her head first into a hanging wooden sign outside a store before falling on top of a large sofa. The sudden slapstick situation brought out a belly laugh from Rainbow.

Pinkie on the other hand, wasn’t amused. She ran off to the disoriented mare’s side.

Left alone to her laughter, Pinkie’s words drilled through Rainbow’s skull. Derpy had just had the wind knocked out of her, and while certainly Rainbow loved slapstick, was tricking ponies into drinking magically-enhanced fart-inducing juice really worth a cheap laugh? Did anypony else see her? Did they hear her break wind in a public place? Plus, Derpy could have been seriously hurt.

“Ummm… excuse me…”

Other pranks they had pulled before never hurt anyone, and at the end of it all, even the targets realized they were pranked and weren’t bothered by it at all. Well, mostly.

“Um, Rainbow, you didn’t happen to see Mrs. Mallard at all, did you?”

Without thinking, Rainbow pushed forward a cup towards the voice. “Here you go.”

“Oh, well, I see you’re busy. I’ll just be on my way then. Thank you for the drink.”

“Mm-hm. Enjoy.”

Not too mention, this is just too easy! There’s no challenge. It’s… starting to get boring, actually.

Rainbow felt a hoof poke her on the side. She snapped out of her thinking and saw Pinkie chewing on her lip. “Hey, Dashie? Derpy’s okay, but I really think we should stop. This isn’t funny anymore.”

Rainbow sighed. “Are you sure? Is it the stall? We’re not really… um… ‘on the prowl.’ We don’t pick our targets, our targets come to us; that isn’t as fun. Is that it?”

Pinkie shook her head. “No. I think we’ve done enough pranking for one day. I want to stop before something bad happens.”

Rainbow took a deep breath and looked down at the ground. When no reason to continue came to mind, she lowered her head and slumped her shoulders. “Maybe you’re right. Let’s stop today. We’ve done enough.”

“So, did Fluttershy find Mrs. Mallard?”

“What?” Oh yeah, I forgot about that. “I don’t know? Why are you asking me that?”

“Didn’t you just talk to her? I saw you and her together while I was with Derpy?” Pinkie pointed with a hoof to the crowd in the marketplace.

“What? I didn’t see Fluttershy. I just gave a drink to…” A heavy lump formed in Rainbow’s stomach. “Oh crud!”

Sweat collected on her forehead as Rainbow searched the crowds some distance in front of their stall. In the middle of the group was Fluttershy, holding a cup with one hoof. She took a sip.

“NO!” Rainbow leapt over the table, knocking the cups over and spilling their contents on the dirt. Pinkie ran by her side.

“Fluttershy! Wait!” screamed Rainbow.

“Spit it out, Fluttershy! Spit it out!” shouted Pinkie.

But Fluttershy didn’t hear them, as the pair’s shouts were drowned by the commotion from the crowds. “Look out!” “Runaway wagon!” “He’s asleep at the harness!” “Get out of the way!”

Like a runaway train, an overworked stallion was running with his eyes closed. Without any input from the sleeping stallion, his legs carried on from sheer habit. Bales of hay in his wagon would cause a lot of damage should he collide with something - or somepony. Fluttershy jumped back as other ponies pushed back against each other. With the marketplace vacant, a lone entity remained in the path of runaway wagon.

A duck.

“Mrs. Mallard!” The ponies surrounding Fluttershy pushed closer back and resisted her attempts of getting through. She had no space to open her wings. “Mrs. Mallard!” she cried.

The ponies in front of her pushed back against her. The cries of alarm smothered her pleas for passage. If she didn’t do something, Mrs. Mallard would get hurt - or even worse! Her children would lose their mother! Never would Fluttershy allow something so terrible to happen. A rush of adrenaline blinded her of her inhibitions as she shoved the ponies ahead of her, and she never stopped to apologize if she stepped on a hoof or pulled hair.

She was going to save Mrs. Mallard.

At last, Fluttershy pushed through the crowd and entered the clearing. The ground rumbled from the stallion’s heavy footsteps as the sound of galloping and rattling wooden wheels grew louder. Nothing registered in Fluttershy’s mind as she raced to save Mrs. Mallard. Her vision blurred and the colors bled into each other, and all she could hear was the heartbeat in her ears.

“Mrs. Mallard!”

A blur of brown, yellow, and red flashed before her, and a cloud of dirt blinded her. She wiped the dust from her eyes and looked at the place where Mrs. Mallard once stood.

Too late. She was gone.

Fluttershy fell to her knees. Tears welled up in her eyes. She brought up her foreleg to rub her eyes and shield herself from the dreadful scene she had just witnessed. She sobbed. Mrs. Mallard was gone.

A stallion spoke to her. “Excuse me, miss. Why are you crying?”

“I… She… She’s gone!” said Fluttershy without raising her head.

“Who’s gone?”

Fluttershy hiccuped. “Mrs. - Mrs. Mallard. The carriage. It… It-”

“Would this be Mrs. Mallard?”

She peeked up from her leg. Through her tears, Fluttershy saw a yellow pegasus with a thick, ruffled, brown mane. A red handkerchief speckled with dirt hung at his neck, very much resembling the stubble around his mouth. He stood on three legs, with the fourth held tight to his chest.

In his crook was Mrs. Mallard.

“Mrs. Mallard!” Fluttershy jumped up into the air and fluttered over to the stallion. She swiped the duck from the stallion and held it tight to her chest. “Oh, Mrs. Mallard. You’ve gave me such a fright!”

The stallion chuckled. “I’m glad everything’s alright, miss…?”

“Oh!” Fluttershy landed on the ground. When she looked back at the stallion, she found it hard to keep her eyes off him. She took a quick glance away before making eye contact again. Those magnificent emerald eyes. She felt as if there were a bunch of butterflies in her stomach, and they were quite excited. “Fluttershy. My name is Fluttershy.”

The stallion smiled. “Well, Fluttershy. I’m very happy that you’re happy. It’d have been a travesty if something were to have happened to Mrs. Mallard.”

The pressure built up in Fluttershy’s stomach, as if those butterflies were looking to escape. She felt she’d explode at any minute. After she placed down Mrs. Mallard, she drew circles in the dirt with a hoof. “Um, thank you so much for saving Mrs. Mallard.”

“My pleasure,” said the stallion with a smile. “I won’t let anyone step on a duck while I’m around.”

While Fluttershy made googly eyes with the stallion, she was unaware of Rainbow or Pinkie flying and hopping over the crowds; their calls didn’t reach her.

Fluttershy stepped a little closer to the stallion who saved Mrs. Mallard. “Do you like animals?”

“Yes, I do. I volunteer every year to bring the birds north during Winter Wrap-up because I love to listen to the melodies of the songbirds.”

The pitter-patter in Fluttershy’s chest quickened. She took another step closer to the pegasus. “Um… Would you like to-- I mean--”

“FLUTTERSHY, NOOOO!”

An enormous, cheek-slapping roar ripped out of Fluttershy’s behind. Her tail whipped behind her as a thick, gaseous cloud blew out from her behind, right into Rainbow’s and Pinkie’s faces. The sudden gust and smell blew Rainbow off course. She screamed as she lost control in the air and crashed into the ground. Pinkie tripped and gasped for air only to breathe in more of the noxious fumes. She clawed at her throat, and a burning sensation spread inside her chest. Overwhelmed by all the sensations, Pinkie couldn’t hold back anymore.

“Holy moly, Fluttershy! WHAT DID YOU EAT!?”

Pinkie jammed both of her front hooves in her mouth, but it was too late. Tears stained her face as she backed away from the stallion. All around her, there were ponies gawking. Some even laughing. She turned her head away from the stallion and ran without looking where she was going--her eyes glued to the ground in front of her.

“Fluttershy! Wait!” screamed Rainbow as Fluttershy disappeared into a crowd.

Pinkie crawled a safe distance away from where she fell and took a huge gulp of air. “Oh no,” she said in a raspy voice. “What have we done?”

Rainbow swooped down and lifted Pinkie off the ground. “Quick! We have to go after her!”

“But, where did she go?”

Rainbow looked around. There was no sign of Fluttershy anymore. “Maybe she went home? Come on! We need to get to her.”

Pinkie pointed her hoof towards the center of town. “But I thought I saw her go that way! Her house is the other way.”

Rainbow chewed on her front hooves. Oh crud, what have I done?

---0---

A long day, and he’d only gotten a clawful of customers. Discord muttered to himself as he stepped out of Discord’s Discombobulating Discounts and locked the door. Was it the advertising? Location? Without customers to harass, Discord saw no reason to keep his shop open. Maybe if he had a bigger sign, he might get more vict-- customers.

With business done for the day, Discord mentally planned his afternoon. Well, plan wasn’t the right word. It was more like focusing on the first impulse that came to him. That first impulse was to investigate the sobbing behind him.

He turned around and saw Fluttershy running through town, bumping into ponies as she cried her eyes out.

Discord disappeared in a flash of light and reappeared ahead of Fluttershy. When she passed by, he scooped her up and took her into a tight hug. The troubled pegasus buried her head into Discord’s chest, matting the fur with her tears. Without saying a word, Discord pet Fluttershy’s mane until the sobbing stopped.

“Why, Fluttershy, what has gotten birds in your bonnet?”

Fluttershy pulled back from Discord’s chest, her eyes were a burning pink. “I-- I--”

Before she could get a word in, another squeaky, cheek-slapping fart blew out her backside. Fluttershy’s face flamed up, and she pushed against Discord. He let go of the wiggling pegasus and let her run away.

He clenched his paw and claw tightly. Fluttershy didn’t have to tell him what had happened with words. She said more than enough. With her butt.

Discord slithered up into the sky and looked down below. He stretched out one of his eyeballs into a telescope and closed the other one. After a quick look, he was able to find the culprits running around Ponyville.

Without taking his eyes off the two ponies talking to every pony they passed, Discord raised up his eagle claw. He pressed his middle talon and thumb together.

---0---

“What do you mean you didn’t see which way she went? She just ran right past you!” The mare in front of Rainbow took a step back.

“Well, I was looking at these flowers… and-and--”

“Forget it!” Rainbow took off and grabbed the next pony she flew close to. “Hey! Where’s Fluttershy?”

“Who now?” said the blue stallion.

“Rainbow, any luck yet?!” Pinkie ran up behind Rainbow. “I haven’t found her!”

As soon as Rainbow loosened her grip on the stallion, he took off and tripped over his hooves.

Rainbow sighed. “No luck yet. But I we have to find her! She--” A flash of light blinded Rainbow. When sight returned to her, she had forgotten everything she was going to say.

Pinkie also stared at Rainbow with a slack-jawed expression.

“Pinkie? Your head.” Rainbow pointed at Pinkie’s head.

“Rainbow? Your head.” Pinkie pointed at Rainbow’s head.

Large purple petals sprouted around their faces; the pair resembled flowers in a grade-school play. Before another word could be said, there was another flash.

Pinkie wobbled to the side. “Rainbow! What is going- AAAAHHH!” Pinkie fell over face first into the ground. Her body wasn’t the same. It was blue with a green floral pattern, and in the place where her tail should be was a flag pole and a flag.

On the flag was a screw and a baseball.

Rainbow took a step to help Pinkie up, but her hooves felt off. She lifted one up to her face and screamed. She had duck feet!

Both of them screamed.

Everypony around them screamed.

All of Ponyville screamed.

---0---

The sky was ablaze with a soft orange glow. Two misshapen freaks waddled up along the trail to Fluttershy’s home. Every few steps, one of the two former ponies would topple over flat on her face, and the other would help her up. As they made their way up the hill to the house, all of the animals kept their distance and never took their eyes off these new creatures; the birds stopped singing, and a bear peeked around the farthest corner of the house. That except for one duck that followed the two.

Once the two tumbled up to the welcome mat, the freak with the blue face lifted a webbed foot and wobbled until the pink-faced one lifted her foot and stabilized each other. The blue face knocked on the door, but instead of the usual hoof-on-wood knock it was a weak slap.

“Go away!” said Fluttershy between sobs.

The blue one sighed. “Fluttershy, it’s me. Rainbow Dash.”

The sobbing stopped, and dainty little steps approached the door. Several locks clacked and clattered behind the door, and the door opened ajar. An eye peeked through the opening. Fluttershy squeaked and slammed the door. “You’re not Rainbow! Go away!”

“Fluttershy! It’s me and Pinkie. Discord did this to us. Please listen to us. I’m sorry!”

The door didn’t open. “Discord? S-sorry?”

Pinkie nodded, even though Fluttershy couldn’t see her. The petals around her face waved with her movements. “Yeah, we’re very sorry, Fluttershy! We screwed up big time.”

The door opened again, this time wide enough to see Fluttershy’s whole face. “What do you mean, sorry?”

Rainbow sighed. “It’s a long story. This morning, we went to Discord’s store…”

---0---

With a proud gait, Discord strutted through Ponyville with all of the other earlier risers. It was another day. Since there was time for word to spread, he might get more customers today. A devilish grin spread on his face. However, when he got to his store, he was greeted by Mayor Mare and her assistant.

Discord chuckled. She never thought the mayor would drop in for a visit. He continued his swagger up to the two. “Good morning, Mayor! To what do I owe this pleasure?”

“Discord,” said the mayor without a smile. “We’ve heard that you opened a shop here in Ponyville. We don’t have any records for permits for you to open a shop.”

Discord crossed his arms and leaned down to the Mayor’s level. “And what if I don’t have a permit?”

“You’ll be fined and required to pay for a permit.”

Discord pulled on his beard. “And how much would this fine and permit be?”

The mayor told him.

Discord stopped smirking. He stood up and snapped off his deer antler. “Let me just get that permit for you.” The deer antler shrunk in his lion paw, and he stuck it in the keyhole. The lock clicked open, and Discord opened the door. “Wait here.” The door slammed behind him.

And so the mayor and her assistant waited. And waited.

And waited.

“What is taking him so long?” Mayor Mare opened the door to the outhouse.

Inside, she only saw a dirty toilet and a toilet paper roll with a single square left.

Discord’s Discombobulating Discounts had disappeared.