- Member Since 14th Dec, 2014
- offline last seen May 24th, 2018
GrizzlytheMedic
I put out fires, write stories, other fun stuff in between too~
GrizzlytheMedic
Joined 14th Dec, 2014 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- GrizzlytheMedic · 13k words · 110 19 · 3.2k views
- Blue Devil · 3.4k words · 73 7 · 2.2k views
- Orion Light · 21k words · 171 26 · 12k views
- ABoyNamedAlex · 36k words · 52 31 · 4.1k views
- CrazyChickenLady · 65k words · 31 3 · 538 views
- Applepip · 37k words · 179 32 · 4.5k views
- gearsteel123 · 1.1k words · 81 44 · 2k views
- ThunderCracker · 2.9k words · 178 29 · 8.4k views
Featured In7
Clopfics11,545 stories ·15,811 members
Human in Equestria16,972 stories ·16,819 members
Rule 631,248 stories ·3,993 members
Humans falling in love with ponies.2,411 stories ·6,060 members
King Sombra Fan Fiction1,384 stories ·1,694 members
Romance is Magic!5,371 stories ·1,721 members
Human on Royalty1,696 stories ·4,856 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.186 seconds
Total duration
998 users online
57,353 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
You hear that... It's subtle... But it's a little thing called pacing. :)
Gotta say, the story looks much better now. The pacing is more sensical in how it is placed, and you can tell the sorta doctor-patient relationship Cameron initially holds with Umbra.
You, sir, have now earned my full attention!
(Also, I was looking over your profile and caught a certain something of mine on your page. Heh, didn't know you were a fan.
)
Huh.....Much better. Still loved it XD
While I thought the first version of this chapter was good, this was an improvement, particularly showing Cam's relationship with Cadance and Shining. I will make one note, I would have written Umbra's dialogue more old-fashioned, like how Luna speaks, seeing as she is as old. But then again, that's more of a creative decision than canon.
5994488
5992332
I'm glad you enjoyed my edited version
I'm going to do my best to continue this trend for the next chapter.
There's warm and fuzzy stuff ahead. Everyone knows I'm the best at writing that.
I like this story so far, I request another chapter soon please!
Quick... she was very quick at her 'reformation'... quick usually means that it wasn't done with much attention to smaller things, maybe there still are some leftovers.
5999617
I can see a big part being what made her weak in the first place. I'm wondering if it was too quick as far as pacing. Feels like there could be so much more to this already.
Your pacing is a mile a second, slow the hell down. This is an interesting premise but everything happening so quickly is ruining it.
It felt a tad bit quick, but i liked the chapter. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
6000302
6000157
5999617
I know I know.
There is a reason it was rushed, but that reason will be revealed later.
Don't assume that everything is over yet...
I do so hope there will be MOAR.
5995000 Umbra is too much of a personality shift. Demonic possession is a convenient excuse. I kind of want to see her being all haughty and abrasive, like a female verson of Rainbowbob's Feeling Pinkie Mean.
6042383
Hm.
I might take that into consideration.
Thanks for the tips!
My heart just went *skeak* and beat faster for a bit
6053656
Might want to consider seeking a medical professional if your heart's making noises like that...
Who is calvin and why did he show up to say "holy shit" for?
6058126
Sheeeeeeeeit
Sorry about that
10/10 -IGN
Would do it again.
Nice.
I almost cried in the part where Cameron remembered his previous fiancee.
Well...that was disgustingly fast and emotionless.
6121147
If you have an issue, feel free to PM me and go into more detail.
Otherwise, I can't take this comment seriously.
6126671 I'm sorry that you can't take comments criticizing your story seriously.
6126862
I cannot really fault the author for his response to your comment. If you were able to point out areas you felt were too fast or that needed emotion, that's one thing. But just giving a blanket negative makes no sense. I obviously cannot tell you what to do, nor would I presume to, however, I will say most in this fandom take concepts like being polite, respectful, and dare I say, friendly to others seriously. Helpful, constructive criticism is always better revived than blunt, unspecific negative criticism. Have a good day.
6126862
No no no, thou canst not speak thusly to an author! Such creatures are fragile and soft, requiring a gentler touch. Thou canst not tell them their story is disgustingly fast and emotionless, that 'tis poorly formatted and lacking in proper grammar, that the characters are wooden and the reactions either cringeworthy or meaningless, that the human character is naught but a blatant self insert, that so many of the circumstances are contrived to the point of asininity, that the humor is either forced, lewd, or just not funny, that most of the metaphors make little sense or are simply misleading, or any other criticisms thou mayest come up with. 'Tis simply unacceptable to directly lay these issues in the author's lap.
Indirectly, however, is a whole different story.
6127127 I can say that that is one of the most amusing comments I've read in a long time.
6127063 I am aware that I probably should've specified why I felt the entirety of chapter 4 is garbage, but alas I simply didn't care enough to point out the flaws. I will give you some of the reasons now though, because of how well said your comment is. It happen far too fast to convey any genuine emotion, Candace apparently decided to stop by Cameron's place on her way to Plotconvenienceville because "reasons", any of the fantastic potential for conflict between (apparently) close friends was wasted when Candace just accepted that it was demons that controlled Umbra! I could go on and on and on but as previously stated I really don't care enough.
BUT you two instantly gained my respect from your comments, have a like.......you bastards.
One glaring issue with this story. Pacing! I want to get into this story but it's incredibly difficult when the plot moves so fast there's no time to let it set in. i like the concept but when it's shoved into my head all at once it just seems silly. I actually had to double check to see if I missed a paragraph because it felt so rushed. The reason people are saying it lacks emotion is because you don't give us the time or material to get invested. I hope you view this as critical yet positive feedback. Trust me, it really helps you improve your story-telling ability. Cheers!
6129373 Thank you for taking the time to say what I did not.
oh gosh, Tis so cheezy, i net everybody in Drama City smelled it from a cheez-facto.
dont let this ship sink, bruh!
:pinkiecrazy, but i real alonx.
I TASTE the cheeze
Hur! My heart comrade it hurts with them feels!
6129373
Thanks!
I really appreciate your comments and advice on the matter. I'll take that into consideration for the next chapter!
More pls
I need more
This is a very good story so far, and I can't wait to read more of it.
This chapter, I like it, ANOTHER!
Please mor this your storh is awesome :D
I'm going to put this in my tack list for now. A revise might be in order as the pace is fast... like really fast. The story looks good and I like the concept. But it's the third chapter and already they are falling in love? Granted I understand Umbra wanting to feel loved. But I do think it should have taken a bit longer.
6201151 In chapter 4, the first glaring issue is how quickly Cadance shifts from pervy pal to homicidal horse. Personally, I think, because of how different Umbra looks without the dark magic around her eyes, or the demonic horn, that Cadence would have to look at Umbra several times to compare her against her memories of a demonically possessed Umbra. And then, instead of immediately attacking her, she should instead be accusing Cameron of knowing that Umbra was the same Umbra that had been blasted by the Friendship Rainbow and asking him his reasons for knowingly harboring a powerful tyrant like Umbra. Then when she does try to take her into custody to be tried and sentenced for her crimes against the Crystal Empire and her people, that her voice should sound stern, firm and cold as an iceberg in the Arctic in January. Then Cameron should step in and reason that Umbra couldn't possibly be tried, because she was under possession and therefore not conscious of her actions while possessed.
The next part I take issue with is using the necklaces as some deus ex machina to get Cameron and Umbra together. I take issue with this, because by using the necklaces, it makes the love (Or at least lust and attraction) less genuine because it involves artificial charms or amulets. This might cause some to speculate that it is the charms or amulets that are 'manufacturing' the lust and attraction the two have for each other. Rather, it's as simple as simply having Umbra observing Cameron, who looks after and cares for her, even in spite of not getting paid to do so. In a way, by nurturing Umbra while she is arcanally weakened, he shows his capability as an excellent caretaker and also triggers the 'knight-in-shining-armor syndrome. He's exhibiting desirable traits to have in a mate, so whether conscious or not, her lust and affection would stem from that. This way her feelings can come naturally without the involvement (and suspicion) of magical artifacts.
For Cameron, his attraction and lust towards Umbra could stem from several factors. One of which could be hearing Umbra genuinely expressing her appreciation and gratitude for his hospice behavior and bedside-manner, where at his everyday job, he probably doesn't hear much appreciation and gratitude from his patience. Another could stem from his celibacy since arriving in Equestria, if he wasn't celibate before, and not being immune to her attractive and sexy feminine appearance. Yet another might be because he genuinely likes her personality and the contrast her personality is now from her personality when Umbra was demonically possessed.
Another thing is how Umbra reacts when Cameron refuses a romantic (or lust-focused) relationship with her. The mood just shifts too suddenly. I could see it branching out in two directions. One involves concern and information gathering. A 'you're not behaving as you once did around me and I want to know why.' The other direction is more fear based. An 'I need you in my life to keep my demons at bay, so please don't push me away.'
The last issue is how quickly they jump right into the sexytimes. It would come across as more natural if Umbra confessed to having her feelings hurt, because he pushed her away because of the trauma he went through with his last beloved. They could cuddle while doing this. Then it can progress to lots of kissing and petting, essentially having a lot of foreplay, before they get to the rutting.
So yeah. These things, such as sudden mood shifts, the necklaces as a romantic charm deus-ex-machina and the quickness with which they jumped right into the sexytimes, made the story read as jarring and forced. You fix those issues and I believe the story will improve (and more readers will probably like the story too).
Peace,
AuthorGenesis
Updates?
6058126 It's Calvin from 'Calvin and Hobbes'