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It's my 18th birthday and I'm about to blow out the candles when I realize I don't have a wish. Thinking of the thing I want most in the world, I blow out the candles and black out.
Special thanks to marking for the cover art. I highly recommend him and suggest if you need any art go see him.
And special thanks to Requiem17 for proofreading
This is my first story so constructive criticism is appreciated.
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Since you are a new author and I can see some potential in this story let me give you some advice.
The chapters need have more details. (use the who what when how method, and explain what the character is experiencing with all their senses). Also try to aim towards around 2,000 word chapters if possible; any amount less usually tends people ignoring your story unless you update very often. In other words an authors average goal each month is typically around 5,000 words a month.
Most of the time people completely despise alicorn OC's but i tend to hold my opinions until i see more. Your character being the alicorn of the void could bring some great elements into the story such as creatures and other beings entering Equestria to do who knows what. Lastly you should think up of a fatal flaw your character as if there is one people hate it's a character that is a Mary Sue unless the story is a parody.
6038215 Thanks for the advice. I will try to implement your recommendations soon. Also I do plan to update often as i have it all written down on paper.
6038227
Glad to hear you are taking my advice with an open mind and heart which i honestly did not expect.
Continue..........
Your fic has a painful lack of details. Describe the scene, describe the characters, describe the feeling of the damn soil, describe the characters' feelings, just describe something. There is just no description, and therefore there is no real characterization. The only thing you might have is plot, and I can't read far enough into this fic because it's so boring with the lack of detail. If you don't want to write details in, then find somebody else to write the details for you, but you need to have details.
6040871 Okay I'll work on it
6038215 The problem with Mary sue's is that they often are not challenged either physically or mentally. There is nothing wrong with Writing about a op character but then they need a story that can keep up with their awesomeness, for example if you want a story with a character that is by deafult stronger than everyone else you have to make up some kind of conflict either by having everyone afraid of the protagonist or having him/her deal with politicts or having a equally op antagonist or anything to keep the story interesting.
If you also make everyone like the main char on top of being op you usually only make a trollfic and while the concept might work on a oneshot that is made to be comedical (if it has been written right, which is hard) it usually won't work, simply because such stories lack conflicts due to the fact that the main character is never in trouble or can deal with the problem with ease.
In fact the only time I have seen this concept done right in a serious fic is from Andoriol's story "Consequences of Unoriginality" where everyone love the main char due to magical hypnosis that the main char unconsciously use on everyone around him and he feel guilty about it because he can't controll it (and this is only the prologue, it would have been an excellent oneshot).
I actually like alicorn oc's because since so much are already set in stone in the scale of things that can be a serious threat as such in order to have a successful story it needs to be well written, in other Words all good alicorn stories are written by excellent writers as such there can only be good or bad alicorn oc stories cus the bar is set soo high rather than other stories that can turn out to be medicore.....
I wish you well and hope you have a good day.
6044221
WOW that a long comment but you are completely right in all accounts and i thank for expanding on what I said with my original comment.
Awsome but make more
Post more
Love more
well, sweaty belle is going to doom him... to doomyness!
Ok, I'm going to be your first of many critics here. You are moving too fast and short to really get anything out of a story. I can understand wanting to get done as soon as possible, however, you'll have readers that will finish a chapter and wonder: "what just happened?" What I'm saying is, try to add some body to your chapters, include character development, plot twists, maybe make the chapters a bit longer? Either way, give your story more body, rather than a fly-by idea put to words.
What do you mean by redoing it? Its fine the way it is.
6803673 not completely just a bit
Blairatreyu@ymail.com
Still not an update...damn...
josephsherman74@yahoo.com
tylerchase2000@aol.com
Not sure how this trend started but don't give him a red mane.
Sgt.Dashie@gmail.com
Damn, too late, CAN'T HELP, FFFFUUUUUUUUUU-
for a first time fic its mot to bad but like chicken goddess said it need more detail the length to content ratio also needs some work as does using different speech words in stead of just said but i do like it so far and i would be happy to edit this for you some time if you want. if you ever want some one to bounce ideas off of message me k?