• Member Since 5th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 19th, 2023

Protocol


I'll always look back fondly on the memories I made on this site.

T
Source

Everyone makes mistakes. Whether they be little slips that end up being harmless, or catastrophic mishaps that affect the nature of the world as we know it, mistakes happen. Our friends and enemies, the rich and poor, the powerful and weak, and everyone in between. They ñall have their own stories to tell. Their times of tragedy, their times of sorrow. It is in these times that life fully puts them to the test. P

Some will step into the light, recognized as heroes and saviours. Others will fall into the darkness, consumed by spite and greed. We have heard their stories, recorded in the pages of history for all to see. But sometimes, among the rarest of the rare, some will find they have no place to belong. They are the in-betweens. Those covered by the thin veil between good and evil.

This is the untold story showing the life of such a being. His birth, adventures, friendships, and loves. His tragedy, betrayal, exile, and finally, his end. This is the story of Discord. This is the story of a forgotten past.

*This story will take place in a season 2 finale canon alternate universe.

Current proofreader: Xaldon Ajide

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 54 )

Good job on this, i personally like it. I hope there is more :twilightsmile:

Added to read later, sounds pretty cool!

Added to read later, sounds pretty cool!

Well, I think you're doing just fine so far. :ajsmug:

I look forward to seeing where this goes! :rainbowkiss:

THis seems a cool enough story. I'm looking forward to the next installment. As a concept I think it is brilliant and your style is fluent. Perhaps a touch more decription would be good, but on the whole thoroughly enjoyable

When she sees discords past celestia is screwed. :D

Hey hurry it up:trixieshiftright::trixieshiftleft:

Interesting premise. For your first try, this is pretty excellent.

Might want to take a look at the part here, though; it's a little repetitive:
"She shut her eyes for a brief moment and began to concentrate. When she opened them again, they were burning brightly from Twilight's overflow of magic. With clenched teeth, the unicorn pointed her horn to a large rune at the edge of the circle and charged up her magic, closing her eyes to concentrate.

When she opened them again, her eyes were burning brightly, filled with magical light. With clenched teeth, the unicorn pointed her horn to the top rune and charged up her magic."

We also seem to have very different views on the time it takes to travel between Ponyville and Canterlot :trollestia:

653481
Wow, thanks. Apparently, I edited it in my word document, but forgot to do the same to the FimFiction version...:facehoof:
I'll probably go back and edit the FimFiction versions separately someday, when I find the time.

As for the logistics of the show, I'm just writing as i go along, with only a general plotline planned out.
I may or may not rewatch episodes to get a few more of the details of the show right.

This what happens when you try to fit an entire sub-plot into one chapter. Anyways, this was really fun to write in my (lack of) free time, and I hope I'll be able to keep doing this without too much delays in my schedule.

Also, I apologize for the lack of quality in some parts of the chapter. I wrote this in my insomnia-induced state while working on school assignments as well. I promise that I will go back and smooth out the rough edges of the story when i have time (key words). :trollestia:

So, until the next edit/update, enjoy!:twilightsmile:

Just 1 word AMAZING!!!:pinkiegasp::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiegasp:
You just made one of the best origins of discord that i have ever read, the end was a little hollow but the entire story was amazing :yay::twilightsmile::pinkiehappy::derpytongue2::pinkiehappy:

662261 Thanks for telling me that. :pinkiehappy: And I know what you mean about the ending. :facehoof: The transitions are always the hardest parts for me.

- Disregard sleep, acquire fanfiction.:pinkiecrazy: -

662284 already 1 am here and still reading all the updatos of the fics XD good night:pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by Protocol deleted Dec 15th, 2012

Awesome story, it really gearing up now. Can't believe nobody's commented yet.

When Discord created red lightning, this is what came to mind:

You can't escape the miles!!

24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m69hrvp2m21r7n550o1_1280.png

So that means Glephnir was the one that turned Luna to Nightmare Moon, am I right?

1400422 I don't plan on getting into the Nightmare Moon arc for awhile, but that certainly is one of one of the directions I could go with this, yes. I have several in mind, branching off from completely different points. My main concerns now are to get started on the Discord arc and getting some character development into Cassandra, so the next chapter will most likely focus on one of those two points.

Jolly good chapter *clap clap clap*:derpytongue2:

yay update!!! cant wait for more :yay::yay::yay:

Comment posted by Protocol deleted Jan 13th, 2013

Obsidian loves monologuing doesn't he?

And so, the birth of Harmony had come.

Looks like we have ourselves a King Sombra (funny, it only occurred to me when he roared "GRWAAH!").
Also:

Fingers tinged with a red magical aura, his lips parted, and two words escaped. “It’s a deal.”

I count three :trollestia:

1960617

Fingers tinged with a red magical aura, his lips parted, and three words escaped. “It’s a deal.”

I don't know what you're talking about.:trollestia:

Also, I have no freaking clue how to deal with the unknown variable that is s3, so I'm going to make it Alt. universe s2 canon only until I can figure out how to deal with it.

1960738
Fair enough. I remember the introduction of Cadance completely ruining my ideas of alicornhood and Equestria's history.
That's what we get for writing mid-season, I suppose. But yeah, go with season 2, and only adapt it to season 3 if it doesn't compromise your story, I'd say.

Comment posted by Protocol deleted Mar 8th, 2013

2028515 Am I correct in assuming that you liked it? :trollestia:

Obsidian doesn't know what he is dealing with.

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Breakout: A Forgotten Past
Grammar score out of 10: 9.5

Positive:
Excellent use of descriptive language for scene-building
Unique concept for the origin of Discord
Very good character-building. OCs are interesting and have well-developed backstories

Negative:
Some dialogue is a little flat or out of character (several colts using complex concepts, Cassandra)
Some confusion on terms- 'hands' and 'boy' used when it seems the characters are not humanized
Some rapid changes in mood that seem out of character (Hope)

Comments:
This is an outstandingly well-written story. Not '...for your first story.' It is obvious you have done a LOT of reading and absorbed both the rules and the spirit of writing with the intent of telling a story. I've read the first three chapters, and wanted to get this down before I had to break off and take care of other tasks. I was worried the scope you seemed to be aiming for would be too much- we have three completely different stories in the first three chapters, but with the merging of Discord and Cassandra now I think you have it well in hand.

The prologue was quite mysterious but does a great job of hooking the reader's attention. One nitpick I could have with it is, by the end of the first chapter, I had completely forgotten about Twilight. You may consider an aside at the end to tie it back, or perhaps every several chapters. On second thought... that might not work so well.

Anyway, the flow of your writing is very good- you do a nice job of describing scenes and characters, so I don't feel like the story is rushed. Some very interesting OCs and an interesting concept in the first chapter had me wondering where this was going, and I did NOT see the twist at the end coming!

So far, the character I'm least sure about is Cassandra- some of her dialogue seems to have a bit more 'telling' or exposition than others do, so that makes it stand out to me. I don't get a good feel for her character yet, even though you've dropped some big hints as to how she differs from others. All in all, though, this story has a level of polish that is refreshing!

TL;DR: You know your writing and seem to have a a good grasp on a complex story idea. Very nice!

928112
Yeah, that has me confused too- I wonder if it's because it's a fairly complex story that is not happy or outright dystopian at the beginning. It takes some reading to get to the meat, and then it's not enthusiastically depressing or syrupy-sweet.

Either way, it deserves more attention that it's gotten.

This review is brought to you by Authors Helping Authors. (Sorry about the wait)

Grammar Score: 9/10 (a bump here and their but nothing distracting)

Pros:
It's nice to see fresh take on the origin story all fleshed out instead of simply told in passing, and the story itself is thought out and put together well.
Your depiction of Discord is unique without being unbelievable.
The story is well written and easy to understand.

Cons:
You should always start a new paragraph for a new speaker. That's the rule the way I learned it. Any actions or inflections concerning the dialogue should come either in a break between two lines from the same speaker or at the end. This was a problem near the beginning (mainly the first two chapters) that became less frequent and eventually nonexistent the further I read so just a bit of light editing and you'll be golden. (Note: this is a structure issue and not a grammar one so it didn't show in your score.)
Some of the dialogue felt a bit stiff because of an extra word, but it wasn't major so that's a bit nit-picky. (I can't think of any specific places off the top of my head so that shows how minor this one is.)
This one is more than a personal preference than an actual rule, but their were a few places where a word you used felt off. The only specific one I can remember off the top of my head is when you used "shined" near the end of chapter 7. Whiles "shined" technically correct I felt like "shone" would have fit better. Again, that's an opinion so feel free to ignore it.

Note: I really like this story. You've earned a like and a fave and I'm looking forward to more.
Now this is totally optional, but if you find yourself with a bit of free time I wouldn't mind a bit of input on this story. You don't have to leave a full blown review unless you just really feel like writing one. Either way I hope you enjoyed your review.

2033305 I've been wanting to reply to this review for a while, but it seems to have slipped my mind. I was reminded by the addition of another review, 2070285 so let's kill two birds with one stone, shall we?

Thank you both for your observations and critiques. Let's get straight to it, then. Dry, stiff dialogue... my greatest enemy. Truth be told, this story actually started out as an experiment for fiction writing, which I have enjoyed reading but have never gotten the chance to write. The dialogue was something I never really focused on, and I had constant trouble imagining how people, or ponies talked 1000+ years ago. I think the dialogue polishing will come to me with experience, and more analysis of the topic when I am reading.

I'll go back and fix the formatting and grammar errors in the future. Seeing people tell me that my errors were largely in the early chapters, I almost regret writing them on a tiny iPod touch whilst I wasn't able to use a computer over summer. Almost. It still felt good getting the story out there. And, I get to learn where I went wrong. Such is progress. Also, God knows how I even got that far in the blasted heat. I really want to go back and rewrite some of the chapters, but more than that, I want to progress the story. I've come to the end of an arc here in the next chapter, for which I've already written 1000 words for, so I'll probably get that out and then go back to edit the previous chapters. Or not. Who knows? Maybe inspiration will strike me again, distracting my inner editor once more.

Feather: Twilight's not actually going to have much to do in this story; she'll be mentioned in an epilogue and take a major role in the sequel. She acts as a hook not only for this story, but its potential sequel as well. On the other hand, Cassandra is one of my most important chess pieces in my little fairy tale, so I WILL go back to polish her up later on.

Nick: I can tell that this story is what you want people to actually see more of, since you've even bothered to write yourself a sequel for it. Since the word tradeoff of a thousand to about thirty thousand words hardly seems fair to me, I will gladly read and review your piece; maybe even the sequel as well if you manage to catch my interest.

i'm put this on read later because i do have homework but i will read it
note that that may take awhile because my read later list is 131 so yay

I'm really enjoying this story.:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

It need more love though...:fluttercry:

2231177 It's been like 8 days ._.
whatevs, I'm updating tomorrow anyways.

2231420 i know i just love this story :derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2: dont be mad at me :fluttercry::fluttercry:

You can't escape the red miles!

This is amazing. I definitely like this story.

Discord popped to Cassandra's side, placing a paw on he shoulder. "I told you things would turn out fine."

I believe that he should be a her.

Yeah I've grown a bad habit of pointing out any errors I see in stories.

2236436 Thanks for pointing that out.

Huh, wow. That's a curious backstory to Discord, a really unique take on him, I love it.

I'm not entirely sure how to do this Authors Helping Authors review with this story. I might leave a few points and comments at the ends of the chapters, if certain things stand out, then do a full one when I'm done reading it all.

Your authors notes weren't wrong. There was certainly a lot in this chapter that I think could have been worded better, and some actions and events that felt like they needed further emphasis (e.g. the part when Star sent Hope away just before Discord arrived could have been quite the heart-wrenching scene, but it just seemed a little hollow).

Despite this, I'm looking forward to seeing where you've taken this story from here. I'm not sure how long it'll take me to read the whole thing, but I'll get to it. Have a like, fave, and a moustache for this awesome idea. :moustache:

2342484 Thanks. This story originally started out as nothing more than an output for me to practice and improve creative writing. I like to think that I've improved somewhat over the course of the past year of writing this, to the point where I am painfully aware of the flaws you've mentioned, as well as a couple of others.:pinkiesick:

I may come back to this in the near future, or maybe in another year or something. All I can say for now is that I will, and that's a promise: to myself, and to my readers.

How bad was the trauma that he received from the Chaos Spirit? There is a Fridge Horror in there about the king being traumatised to death from it.

2348647 Unfortunately, I cannot reveal what's exactly happened to the changeling king at the moment, as it will become an important plot device in future chapters. It'll all be revealed in the next arc, where I plan on tying up loose ends and start bringing the story to a close.

Well, I was about to comment on a few things that I think could be improved, such as how a lot of the dialogue seems a little flat, and how Celestia and Luna's meeting and friendship seemed rushed and undertold, but them I remember that this is chapter 4. There's still quite a ways to go before I'm finished reading, and I am quite enjoying it.

You've characterised memory-less Discord pretty well, and I can see where his twisted sense of humor is going to come from. Having a changeling princess as your very first friend would do that to you. :derpytongue2:
The theory you've hinted at as to the origins of Nightmare Moon are quite intriguing too, and I'm looking forward to it developing more.

Will continue reading, more feedback to come :rainbowild:
~True Blood

This review is brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors (Really sorry it's taken me so long, I've been phenominally busy with school and Ponycon and the likes.)

Name of Story: "A Forgotten Past"

Grammar Score: 8/10 (I count saying "person" or "people", as they refer to humanity, as grammar errors.) The first chapters had plenty of spelling/grammar mistakes, but it's hard to go back to a story and edit it when you could be spending the time writing more of it. Grammar got better as the story progressed, however.

Pros:
- A really intriguing and well-wrought concept. You've introduced a theory that I've never heard of before and managed to pull it off for a good read.
- Your writing style is engaging and fun to read.
- You've worked the seriousness of a tragic adventure story with some one-line comedy elements and romance sub-plots, which keeps the story interesting and fun to read.

Cons:
- (You have explained this, many times to many people from what I've seen, but I'll state it here anyway) The first chapters of the story could have been better. There were many places where events just sort of happened for no reason, or weren't explained well enough, or just didn't have enough description to make enough sense.
- The passage of time isn't very well stated. At several parts through the whole story I was having trouble understanding exactly when an event was occurring, like how much time had passed between one event and the next.
- Um, your cover image is of DiscordxCelestia, but the romance you've been developing is of DiscordxCassandra? (You can tell I'm clutching at straws here.)

Comments: A great concept with progressively good writing skills and imagination backing it up. Even though I took a while to read it, I've enjoyed this story. Keep it up! I'm excited to find out where this story goes. :pinkiehappy:

2429195 Thanks for the review! I originally started this project to improve my writing skills, so I'm glad to hear it's working. Especially since my English marks have gone up considerably. I'll keep an eye out for the time pacing, and as for the Cassandra/Celestia x Discord thing... oh, you'll see. You'll see.

(Eventually.)

Huuuuuuuh, I loved your time-loop story, and this promises to be just as amazing. Looking forward to the rest of it. ^_^

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