Sombra had been defeated and imprisoned for one thousand long years, though all was not lost as he had changed the Crystal Heart to work in his favour instead, he then goes on to try and restore his empire to its former glory.
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StarGlare
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Good concept for a new author. Commas are in short supply, however.
Readed the description part about corrupting the elements of harmony, as an the mane six? If you r then i suggest adding the main six tag
5957014
Thank you for replying.
I was going to wait until they are actually in the story but I suppose you have a point, at least then people would know the story has more than Sombra in it.
5955857
Thanks for replying and I will attempt to include more commas in future and when I do some editing on the prologue.
5962516
After thinking about it, your comments saying that my concept could never happen will be deleted. As you will see there is the alternate universe tag, meaning things may work differently and may happen differently, I am glad you voiced your thoughts but I feel as if you made too big a deal out of it. I don't like to have deleted them but I don't want the comments getting filled up with arguments that don't apply given the alternate universe tag, I'm certain that Sombra would be capable of teleporting further than I said but here he can't, in the show he most likely didn't use the heart to banish the empire, here he did. You acted like this was taking place in the same universe as the show, I'm sorry but it's not and things work differently. I may not have made this clear and will edit the description to fix this.
This review brought to you by: Authors Helping Authors.
Story Name: 'Corrupted Heart', by Starglare.
Grammar: 6 out of 10: There are several run-on sentences and many apostrophes where they shouldn't be - as is common in most new authors' works, you tend to mix up 'its' and 'it's'; remember, 'its' is possessive, while 'it's' is literally just saying 'it is', but with fewer characters.
Story: 7 out of 10: It's an interesting concept. Not much has been done like this with Sombra that I've seen, and it seems like a solid plot; Sombra wins instead of Twilight and, after corrupting her and her friends, sets out to take over Equestria.
Execution: 5 out of 10: It's not the worst I've seen, but it's not the best, either.
Pros -----------------------------------------------------------------
Sombra's Rule. I like your version of the pre-banishment Crystal Empire. It's fitting that Sombra thinks nothing of his slaves; using their lives to fuel his magic and their bodies as furniture fits him to a T.
Avalite Seeker. The idea of someone going along with Sombra willingly is something hardly anyone seems to touch on. Evil attracts evil, and Seeker is a textbook example of that; of course a ruthless power-seeking pony like him would find pleasure in Sombra's rule.
The Battle. Not many new authors know how to write a battle scene, but you get a few things right straight off the bat. The focus on troop movements rather than trying to go into too much detail, the emphasis on numbers; it's a well put-together scene, and I get a clear idea of what the battle looks like. Kudos.
Cons ------------------------------------------------------------------
Sombra's Diary. It's a useful way to mark the time, but I feel like there could've been more entries during his banishment, slowly chronicling his descent into madness - okay, he was already insane, but you get the idea. It goes from a few days to a hundred and two years - a strangely arbitrary number - to ???? years, to two minutes before his release.
The Battle. Sombra isn't the smartest - any ruler who does what Sombra did in the episodes isn't too bright - but he isn't an idiot, either. If he was so confident he couldn't lose, why wouldn't he tip the odds; expend a bit of energy to help his soldiers win? They may be just slaves, but, as his army, they're useful ones, and even though they aren't dead, the more soldiers he has undefeated the better. As it is, he should at least know a little bit about the Elements of Harmony; his surprise at Celestia and Luna busting them out feels forced. Heck, the whole conflict with the Princesses seems a bit rushed. At least give us some banter, or maneuvering; in a fight like this, positioning is pretty important.
The Return. It seems to me like Cadance and Shining Armor would know who Sombra is; Celestia wouldn't just send them in blind. They know he's evil, and that he won't listen to reason; why even talk to him? In addition, the parts of the fic that are literally just the episode could be removed. We've seen the show; we know what happens. That being said, you should start transcribing the episode a bit before events change. For instance, if Sombra beats Cadance and Spike to the Crystal Heart, there's nothing wrong with describing Spike's desperate climb down the castle, or Sombra's mad rush to get at the thing, or Shining and Cadance's last-ditch effort.
Notes --------------------------------
Some things I noticed that aren't full Pros or Cons:
Celestia should be talking like Luna, or at least with a bit more majesty and weight to her; when Luna came back, she spoke as if everyone still spoke like they did a thousand years ago; what does that tell you about how they should be speaking in the past?
You tend to do a lot of telling, when showing would be better. Why tell us that the engravings on the crystal would burn up after one use when you could note how fragile the carvings look, as if they're about to fracture, then describe the engravings burning away as the heart fires up? Why tell us that Sombra's seat is made out of useless servants when you could have Sombra absently run his hoof over a cutie mark on his chair and chuckle, finding a bit of humor in the fact that this particular slave had been able to serve him properly after all? It's a fine and subtle art, showing and telling; I haven't even gotten the hang of it.
Overall ------------------------------
It's a solid fic. Solid concept, solid execution, solid ideas. It's a little rough around the edges, sure, but everyone's first story is. Keep at it; the more you write, the more of a feel you'll get for it. Consider finding a proofreader; even a cursory look from another person is a good way to get a fresh perspective.
I hope I helped you improve your fic.
And hey, if you want to hit up my story list and review one of my tales about multicolored horses - and humans; I write EQG too - doing things, that'd be cool. 再见，我的朋友！
6624771
Thanks for replying to my story again, thank you for advice about the books and I am now looking into getting the Self Editing for fiction writers
6616173
Thanks for leaving a review, I've read over what you said and I'll take it into account when I go to edit my first chapters a little.
The princesses not only interrupted him once but twice! Rude very rude.
Noooooo! Don't die on me story! Don't die on me!