Namby Pamby's Revenge

by Booker Longlegs

The Party

Featherweight looked around himself. The Foal Free Press was having its weekly meeting. It was usually pretty boring; going over all the little details to ensure the paper was kept running smoothly. Consequently, Featherweight had decided to have a small party after every meeting to keep himself and the others from going insane. It wasn’t anything special, just some cakes and punch, but it made the meetings more bearable.

He was frowning now as he saw an unexpected guest mingling with the others. It was Namby Pamby, former editor-in-chief. Technically, anypony could come to the parties, but it was generally understood that they were just for the Foal Free workers. On top of that, Namby had started her own newspaper company after graduating, which was now the Press’ biggest rival, the Foal’s Daily. Featherweight wondered why she was there, but decided to let it go. Despite the rivalry, Namby and Featherweight were good friends, and he could see that the blue pegasus wasn’t hurting anything.

At that point, Featherweight’s proofreader, Major Edit, walked up to him. Edit was a gray unicorn with a red mane and tail. While Featherweight was the one that approved the content, Edit was the one who checked for grammatical and spelling errors. Edit was holding two glasses of punch, and he offered one to Featherweight. He took it and then they both looked around, sipping their punch. “Looks like everything’s running smoothly,” Edit commented.

“Yeah,” said Featherweight, “I’d call this meeting a success.”

“I’ll drink to that,” They tapped their glasses and drank some of their punch. “Say,” Edit said, “have you noticed that Namby Pamby’s walking around?”

“Yeah, I saw.”

Edit grinned. “’Course you did. I’d notice too if my marefriend was walking around.”

Featherweight blushed. “She is not my marefriend.”

“Riiiight. That’s totally not the reason you haven’t kicked her out yet.”

“No, but if you keep up I might kick you out,” Featherweight took a sip of his punch as Edit chuckled, “Besides, why would I kick her out? Everypony here was her co-worker at some point.”

“Still, best not forget she’s your rival.”

Featherweight laughed, draining the rest of his punch. “What do you think she’s gonna do, sabotage us?”

---

The next day, Featherweight stared around at the empty press room. It was time to start working, yet everypony was conspicuously absent. Edit walked in and stared at the empty desks. “Where is everypony?” he asked.

Featherweight shook his head. “No idea. I was waiting to see if anypony would show up.”

“Well, let’s go and find them.” Edit said. He and Featherweight went to see the head of production, only for his mom to point them to the hospital. Worried, Featherweight and Edit ran to the hospital. They burst in, asking the nurse about their friends. She pointed them to a wing that was currently inhabited by the Foal Free workers. They were all green in the face, and every so often they would bend over a bucket and vomit. Strangely, the puke was made entirely of rainbows. The head doctor, noticing them staring, came over.

“Yes, it’s quite astonishing,” the doctor said.

“What’s wrong with them?” Featherweight asked.

“They’ve all tested positive for Cuteonium,” said the doctor.

Featherweight looked confused. “What’s Cuteonium?”

“It’s an element that enhances cuteness,” the doctor explained, “It’s typically used by mothers to pretty up their foals for pictures. If taken a little at a time, that’s all it does. However, when you use too much…” sounds of vomiting came from the direction of the patients, “Well, there’s only so much cute a body can take.”

“How did they take it?” Edit asked.

“That’s what’s confusing,” the doctor said, “None of the parents say they used Cuteonium on them last night.”

“Last night?” Edit said. When the doctor nodded, Edit turned to Featherweight. “The party. That’s the only time when they could’ve gotten this Cuteonium.”

“But I didn’t put any into the punch. Even if I had, we both had some and we’re not choking on rainbows.”

Edit got a thoughtful expression. “Did you drink any more after our talk?” He then looked as if he’d realized something, as the doctor hurried over to a patient requiring his attention.

“No, I didn’t,” said Featherweight, wondering where Edit was going with this.

“Neither did I. That means that whoever spiked the punch did it after we drank some.”

“But who would do something like that?”

“Remember what we were talking about?” At that moment, Featherweight realized what Edit was getting at.

“No,” Featherweight said flatly, “she wouldn’t do something like that.”

“She was the only one there who had any reason to do this. It’s the only thing that makes sense.”

“Namby’s my friend,” Featherweight said angrily, “I know her, and I know she wouldn’t do this.”

“She might be your friend,” Edit said harshly, “but she’s also your rival. What wouldn’t she do to get ahead?” Featherweight turned around and stormed out of the hospital. Edit ran after him. “Where are you going?”

“I’m going to look for evidence. Namby wouldn’t have done this, so it must have been somepony else.”

“Frankly, I don’t see anypony else with a reason to do it.” Catching the look on Featherweight’s face, Edit added, “Although, I will agree that this isn’t like her. I’m willing to save judgement until after we find some proof. Agreed?”

“Agreed.”

Comments

[bahatumay]

I've heard of weaponized cuteness; but that's just silly.