Stables were designed to stand up to any assault, be it armies, bombs, or atomic balefire. But what happens when they're attacked from within? The Rangers were meant to be an exploratory program to explore the surface for signs of life and resources, but they've been betrayed. Now the members of Ranger Team Blue have to find out who and why.
(A/N: Woo! I've officially had content posted to EQD! Not a full feature or anything, but I've been added to the Fallout Equestria Side Stories Comp.)
not a bad start, I didn't spot any spelling or grammar errors
you do know that a pipbuck can track another pipbuck through its tag, right? so the whole 'you need to search for the missing members' is kinda redundant because someone could just put in their pipbuck tag and their location would show right up
otherwise a pretty good story so far
Welcome to the FoE sidefic herd
1093387
It is entirely possible that they didn't think of using tags. I'm already planning on addressing it later.
Also, thanks. You have no idea how many times I read it through looking for typos.
1093630 oh, and ignore the random down votes, there are some trolls/haters on here who down vote every FO:E story just because they can
good I dare say really good
*rubs hands together* its all coming together looking towards the next
good again if I say so myself
1101503
Took me forever to work out how to connect the initial problem to the going outside part.
Question have you asked permission to write this because I'm pretty sure it's copyrite if you didn't? Sorry if I spent copyrite wrong :)
1103488 Copyright. Just for the record.
Story looks good, I'll be reading more after I take a lunch break.
1104250
Glad you like it!
1103488
...What exactly do you mean?
1137882
I'm not sure if he was being overprotective, a smartass, stupid, or was genuinely concerned that I might incur some legal troubles with Kkat or Bethesda.
Anyways, it doesn't matter. If it was an issue this whole site would be in trouble.
So what did you think?
1138533
Well, I already gave you feedback (though admittedly not very detailed feedback, sorry); is there anything in particular that you'd like my opinion on?
1138748
What do you think about the flow of wording? I really tried to make it read naturally.
1138953
It seems to work pretty well to me, overall.
1139095
That's good. How's stuff with Somber?
1139153
Quite good, as far as I know. As you may have read on the forums, he's found what look like a good job and a good apartment. It seems that the apartment doesn't allow pets, though.
1139166
I'm sure the germans have a word that expresses how that's awesome and sucks all at the same time.
1139185
Or they could make one, perhaps.
1139208
Something like, 'Robundschneider".
hmmm good chapter again
This chapter contains a variety of mechanical or style errors (repetition of words seems frequent), but the main problem I found was your description of Absolutely Everything being made out of three boxcars. According to Fallout Equestria:
"Three train cars, each a different type, had been fused together to create the store; one of them was a barrel-shaped car of black metal dominated by a smokestack. This was one of the sources of smoke I had seen from a distance."
Other than those errors, though, I found it a reasonably good chapter. Your character voices might possibly benefit from some work (I'm not sure), but I'm afraid that I'm not very good at that either.
As a note, though:
"I brought up my EFS and scanned the compass for Butters tag. I pointed at one of the walls, “What’s in that direction?”
The ghoul pony tapped her chin, “Lotsa stuff. There’s Shattered Hoof, Fillydelphia, Manehattan. It’s all in the book."
Interesting. This matches neither my nor SilentCarto's latest maps (though of course you've already diverged from mine). Out of curiosity, what are you using?
1156547
I had a feeling I was repeating myself. When I'm writing I keep reminding myself that I'm writing like I'm telling the story out loud, because it's supposed to be Boss telling someone a story.
I swear I tried to look for a description of Absolutely Everything, but I couldn't find it. I'll go back and change it.
I try to keep my characters voices distinct, obviously I'm a little biased. I keep Traumas sentences short and simple or use nonverbal communication. Imp will occasionally talk to much and Amber uses a lot of tech talk. Pin never passes up a joke. And Boss talks like me with more military jargon, more or less. I'll use the opportunity of them being outside the Stable for them to develop more distinct differences. (I.E. I'm going to google how to make characters voices more distinct)
I was using this page. http://falloutequestria.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_locations_in_Fallout_Equestria#Manehattan_Ruins so SilentCarto. I've also been using the official Equestrian map for some reference, mostly because it had dodge junction on it. http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&global=1&q=map+of+equestria#/d59y8wl . Seeing as how they were inside and Boss was pointing at a wall Ditzy told them what was in a general southward direction. Shattered Hoof Correctional and Fillydelphia are both in the same general direction, I'll admit Manehattan is a little out of the way. I would have used Junction R-7, but I don't think that was a place yet. (They'll be heading to Fillydelphia)
1157893
Ah, yes, a general southward direction explains that if you're using SilentCarto's map.
good chapter
1255858
My existence has been validated! *non-sarcasm*
Why is this on hiatus?