Parenting Problems
Deadpool sat in his favorite chair, head in his hands, struggling not to lose his shit. Inside his head, a debate raged, one that would likely decide the path of his life from then on with its outcome...and one that just would not end.
"But you saw her! How can we not?"
"She's our daughter."
"But did you see those tits? Even better than the fanMILF she nursed from during the game!"
"She's our daughter."
"And did you see that ass? You could bounce a quarter off it-"
"She's our daughter!" Stuffy snapped one last time. "I didn't think I'd have to assert that more than once before you dropped this! How does that not completely erase any idea of...that...from your mind?"
"Cause...we're not blood related?" Crazy offered.
"I'm going to kill you!" Stuffy let out a scream of fury, and then the sound of a rather cartoonish tussle filled Deadpool's mind.
He leaned back in his chair with a sigh. "...I wonder how many other fathers have to deal with this sort of thing?"
"Which?" Uncle Fuzzy asked as he stepped out of the kitchen. "Sexual attraction to their daughter, or the voices in their heads arguing about it?"
"Yes!" Deadpool asserted.
"...probably unique to you," Uncle Fuzzy replied. "Then again, your situation is somewhat unique..."
Deadpool glanced up. "Hey, why'd your voice trail off?" Uncle Fuzzy was standing there, capped beer in his hand halfway to his other hand, staring at something. Deadpool turned to see what he was staring at...and his jaw dropped. Chrysalis was singing and dancing. That wouldn't have been so bad...except she was only wearing a lacy black bra and panties, matching garter belt and stockings, and a pair of black heels. That, and her choice of dance moves for the chorus segment.
On 'bitch', she pointed one hand out, pantomiming shooting a gun.
On 'lover', she ran her hands over her curves seductively.
On 'child', she looked up and fluttered her long eyelashes cutely.
On 'mother', she bucked her hips into her crossed hands.
On 'sinner', she gave herself a spanking.
On 'saint', she placed her crossed arms over her breasts. For the next line, she showed her lack of shame by gyrating her hips.
On 'hell', she squeezed her breasts.
On 'dream', brought her hands together, looking up with her cutest face. She proceeded to 'twerk' on the next line.
"You know you wouldn't want me any other way!" she concluded the chorus with a sensual strut.
As she continued singing, her dance moves became more and more blatantly erotic and teasing. Without warning, the top of Uncle Fuzzy's beer popped off of its own accord in a rather comical metaphor.
Hearing this, Chrysalis turned, smiling innocently. "Oops, I didn't see you there!" she purred, a halo actually appearing over her head in her magic.
"Chrysalis...please put more clothes on," Deadpool begged.
"...how much more?" Chrysalis asked, not entirely happy.
"Until you no longer look like a divine wet dream specifically designed to torment your male relatives," Uncle Fuzzy stated quickly, chugging his beer to try and not think about the situation.
"What? You mean a parka, snow pants, and mittens, layered with long johns and the like until I look like a rolly polly?" Chrysalis asked snidely.
"That would be adorable!" Crazy piped up.
"Especially with a little snow hat with the ear flaps that hang down!" Deadpool added.
"But it's too hot for that!" Chrysalis complained. "I'd melt!"
"You're too hot for that, we're melting," Crazy pointed out.
"Shut up, Crazy."
"Why are you so insistent on wearing so little, anyway?" Uncle Fuzzy asked.
"Because according to Father's internet, that's how you get boys," Chrysalis replied logically.
Deadpool hesitated. "Um...Chrys? That's not the way to go about it if you're looking for a boyfriend-"
"Who said anything about a boyfriend?" Chrysalis asked. "I just want to have sex."
Uncle Fuzzy promptly spit his beer all over the wall.
"Shut up, Crazy."
"But I didn't even say anything yet!"
"It was preemptive."
Deadpool struggled to calm himself. "Chrysalis, sweetums...sex is...a bit more serious for girls than for boys. I mean, not only will it seriously change you when it happens and there's no telling how you'll feel afterwards, there's always the chance you'll get pregnant-"
"That's the idea," Chrysalis pointed out.
"...wat?" Uncle Fuzzy demanded.
"That's the idea," Chrysalis replied. "I'm a Changeling Queen with a very small hive. All my instincts are telling me it's time to start having babies, and I think I'm ready. Besides, I'll have Father and Mother to help me, and I think I'll be a good mother."
"But still, Chrysi," Deadpool pointed out. "This isn't really the sort of thing you should jump into-"
"And Mom said if we give birth to a child, we have enough of your essence inside us that it'll create a mystical loophole that'll let you and Mom interact physically in the mortal realms," Cray-Chry added.
"Operation: Grandpa is a go!" Deadpool cried out before leaping out of the story-wait, what?
Hey, Author, aren't you supposed to be out here?
Are we supposed to be separate like this?
This is very unusual...
I'm only somewhat here, but you three need to get back in the story-
Not until I've had a chance to talk to the audience...say, where is here, anyway?
Between the fourth and seventh walls.
The what?
This is the out of character realm, where characters can interact with their authors without influencing the path of the story. ...think of it this way: in terms of the fourth wall of a stage play, you're currently off stage and between scenes.
Sweet! Hey, readers! Gimme some guys I can hook Chrysi up with so she can have babies! Just make sure they're Marvel, they're male, and they're canonically single! Don't need any exes - late or otherwise - complicating things!
Just...just get back in the story...
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Uh... not sure if we're actually supposed to suggest people, but if we are, I'll suggest Spider-Man, but if he's not single then I don't know who. I'm not a big comic reader.
EDIT: Oh wait, that includes past relationships as well? Nevermind then.
Once again......DA FUCK!
QuckSilver! an I don't care that he's dead. CHryssi, just use a revival spell!
Bu.... what about asking daddy and the author?
Crap. *Faceplants*
Or you can give her flufflepuf
pre01.deviantart.net/03a7/th/pre/i/2013/153/5/f/fluffle_puff__what_are_you_doing__by_phantasmicdream-d67logi.png
im sure they can breed... somehow
Guys for Chrissy? What about the Avengers?
She can begin with Thor, a Changeling Queen and the God of Thunder. She can even help Thor make peace with Loki in the bedroom.
Then she can continue with Hulk... Green and Green is fashion now and the best is a 2x1, Hulk also knows what is having a voice in the head like Chrissy.
Then she can go with Iron Man, her future hive need intelligence.
Spider-Man could be now at legal age and the spider powers could help her.
And if we have Spider-Man, maybe Venom or Carnage.
What about Nick Fury? If she have Fury under her spell, no one is going to object and she could have the world. Yes, he is not a Avenger, but it could work
Sorcerer Supreme, his magic is going to be also good for the future of the hive.
Blade? It could be good. He feed of Blood, She feed of love and anything. Having vampire blood in the future changelings could be good.
Maybe to finish if she want it VERY BIG, could try to find Galactus.
I laughed so hard right there
Seriously Tat, this is your only M story for sexual reasons, no? (Haven't read DLA or CSSWL) Your too damn GOOD at it!
Um....I don't care make Captain America do it(not sure if he's taken but I don't care, Chrysalis needs at least someone who's a nice sane person around that aren't immortals or Death itself)....now if you'll excuse me...
DA FUQ!!!?!?!!??!!?!??!!
I f*cking love you. No homo.
... I have been staring at this for 5 minutes straight. And for the life of me, I cannot think of anything witty to say. Congratulations Taturou. You've succesfully broken me. Good job.
I'm with Wolverine here. Poor guy.
That would be adorable.
Congratulations, you made me do a real spittake. I'm not sure if I want to strangle you or congratulate you.
Smart move. Also, I imagine them as TFS Kami and Nail for whatever reason.
Taturou, how am I supposed to make witty running commentary, WHEN THE CHARACTERS DO MY JOB FOR ME?! Sorry about that, I'm normally far more composed. Won't happen again.
Pehaps, but, your Uncle is WOLVERINE, not exactly the best Dad in the world, your Father is DEADPOOL, textbook nutcase, and your Mother is the Grim Reaper. How far ahead did you think this through?
I'd question it, but I know better.
Wait what?
Eh?
Oh, I getcha.
I got nothing, no really i can not think of anything to say.
I did not lost my train of thought, as it tipped over and exploded before it left the station.
I feel that Loki would be absolutely perfect for Chryssi, he is the Norse god of deception after all
Not quite sure who all is single in the realm of marvel... Ben Grimm or Juggernaut? Mutant genes tend to pass down and I have no idea how power cosmic affects pregnancy...
I think the highly charming and intelligent Doctor Doom would be perfect for Chrissy.
Here's a couple of guys I can think of, Cyclops, Beast, Daredevil, Ant-man, and Dr. Strange.
I vote for fluffle puf.
Males, that DON'T have any relationships... eh, that might be a little difficult considered how expansive the universe IS, it's alright if they aren't USUALLY coupled together right?
So I'm just going to say a bunch that could work out and hope for the best, judging from their personalities and the like, also, I'm going to be VERY discerning, give you the pros and cons, of course, that's based on the headcanon that once you use the DNA, you can give them the abilities of the character themselves, and maybe also a little difference in appearance.
---
Number 1: Nightcrawler.
Pro's: Let's be honest here, your Deadpool's daughter, you want some VARIETY girl, but I'm also guessing some familiar features wouldn't hurt, the dark complexion should appeal, no? Plus with his teleporting your troops can be the best infiltrators EVER, and maybe helps you along with shapeshifting considering his mother... speaking of which.
Con's: His mother is kind of a bitch, but maybe that will work out? Also, he's religious so... maybe that's a Pro to you, yet, he's going to play hard to get.
---
Number 2: Punisher.
Pro's: He'll protect you from the zombie apocalypse! Also, works the same job as your old dad, so hey, something to talk about. He's single... just don't bring up his wife.
Con's: I think he'd be pushing the years actually... and no actual powers to speak of, still, if personality translates into genes I can see you getting some badass children down the line.
---
Number 3: Iron Man.
Pro's: MONEYMONEYMONEYMONEYMONEYMONEYMONEYMONEYMONEY! And also some of that genius levels of intellect, eh?
Con's: ... I'm not sure if he's IN a relationship really, he's a playboy so, does that mean he had girlfriends? Is Pepper canon here? He's certainly pushing age somewhere...
---
Number 4: Hulk
Pro's: Making your dad uncomfortable at the thought of you to doing it? Also... the fucking Hulk, need I say more?
Con's: ... Uh... hey, don't break yourself?
---
And that's all I've got, here's hoping the future is paved with AWESOME!
6329351
Not to mention this wouldn't even be the first equinoid he'd had relations with. He is Sleipnir's mom, after all. Another vote for Loki.
Norse mythology is frikkin' weird, man.
Lets see, single men in the Marvel universe; last I've read there's Johnny Storm (the Human Torch), Captain America, Doc Doom, Night Crawler, Beast, Magneeto, Ares, Punisher, Wolverines sons Daken and Jimmy Hudson... Holy jeeze there are too many to say. Good luck finding a proper suitor for her.
Good luck with that.
How about that splice of DNA that Chrysalis has from that horse?
The only truly single guy is Glatictus. Every other guy is spoken for making the choices very limited.
6329221 ^^ What this one said
6329473 Technically Loki is married in norse mythology. And he cheated on his wife with a Frost Giantess to produce Hel, Jormungandr, and Fenrir.
That is: The goddess of the dead, the world serpent, and the wolf that will swallow the sky.
He also cheated on his wife by becoming a female horse to seduce a stallion so the norse gods could win a bet.
And he gave birth to Sleipner, Odin's steed that has 8 legs.
So I don't think, technically, his relationship status has anything to do with it.
... actually, with the general power level and monstrousness of Loki's get, I'd say go for it. (Also, yes. Norse mythology is frikkin' WEIRD, man.)
Or, because of the level of detail that the Author is going into with this and clearly needs to get laid, the Author.
Because it's the only suggestion more awkward than voting for Deadpool, yet guaranteed to produce incredible power.
And I'm an ass like that when I get an opportunity like this.
I'm going with Loki here.
He'd probably appreciate being on the other end of the whole "How we make little monsters" thing for once.
Why not have a minor crossover with Technological Technicolor Technomare? After all, RD's set in the marvel universe before she shunts back to Equestria, AND, it would give Sparky-Sparky-Boom-Boom-Dino a playmate in Zuki.
6329435
I vote for Nightcrawler.
Nightcrawler. That is all.
Nightcrawler, Red Omega, Silver Samurai, Electro, Beast, and Batman
Last I heard, Spider Gwen was single? Maybe Thor, depending on if you count the movies as canon or not, but he is currently a she. Um... One of the Loki's? He already has experience with shape shifting, and he is magically powerful and scheming. Fury... never mind on him. Doctor Strange? ... Wasn't there a young super hero who used qi? Something Fist? Or their is always guy number five to the left.
How about Miley Cyrus? Sure he isn't Marvel, but if Barack Obama can be in Marvel Comics, then so should the man that made twerking a thing! And if you need proff that Miley is a dude... just look at him!
. . . . . ... . . . ................. You know what? We'll call it, 'REVENGE FOR THAT WHOLE ONE-MORE-DAY-STINT'. It's not revenge against Peter Parker, it's against the mastermind of that 'One-More-Day' bit. SPIDER MAN! THE WORLD NEEDS YOU! Or rather, QUEEN CHRYSALIS NEEDS A KING! NOW GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CHESSBOARD OUR BELOVED PAWN!
Stan Lee is in everything Marvel so he should be an option, no idea whether or not he's single though.
To those who suggest Spidey/Peter Parker: Aren't he and that red headed reporter chick an item? (blanking on her name, not a major comic guy)
Seeing as how she's purely wanting "The D" and doesn't care about a relationship past that I think Tony's probably the best bet. (Tony Stark AKA Iron Man)
First things first:
SHE'S 16!!!
Use your author/4th-wall powers to jump ahead at least 2 years.
Second: As a HUGE Punisher fan, I can verify that Frank Castle would NOT be interested no matter how sexy she is. However, I would still like him to show up cause the great comic arc Punisher Born (a Marvel MAX imprint that has been confirmed as canon in the mainstream Marvel universe too)
Says that Marine Captain Frank Castle has a thirst for combat and death he cultivated in 'Nam. It is then heavily implied he made a deal with Death (or a death-like figure) to survive an all-out Viet Cong/NWA Zerg Rush on his outpost and continue the war he loves, but would later find out the price for this was his family...
It would be interesting to see Death's comments on this.
Third, let's try to stay within her age group. Considering it has been 16+ years, perhaps some of the kid heroes have grown up...
The Power Pack, Franklin Richards (Reed and Sue's kid), and perhaps Rick Jones.
The only one that comes to mind is DareDevil and I cant remember if he's single, or not.
Tony Stark is definitely a go-to guy for this kind of thing
Hmmm...How about Colossus?
6329672 All are good except for that last part.
I would really suggest pairing her up with people around her age, not with people two or three times older than she is. I would rather not see a 16 year old Chrysalis paired up with any of the older Xmen, for example. I don't know much about any teenaged Marvel characters, but maybe use some of them?
She wants a strong hive right? Go for the big guns. Galactus, Impossible Man, Eternity, The Beyonder, The High Evolutionary, Owen Reese, Thanos.
Or Slapstick if you really want to mess with the gene pool.
Deadpoo, if you know me, i usually don't help you guys out cause then you get reliant on me.
NO DAMMIT!
see?
...well, you could just let her loose on the marvelverse to see what happens...
How about the Hulk, I think he is currently single, plus Deadpool and uncle fuzzy trying to get along with him of all people would be hilarious.
Wiccan; Think of the male version of Raven.
dare devil
or Loki.
ether or really.
Loki- He's done horses before, and he was desperate enough to go speed-dating. In addition, he's got magic and an Asgardian lifespan going for him too. Also, he may or may not be Deadpool's dad, so... more family drama!
Spidey- A nice bug theme to base it on, and the fact that Parker somehow gets all the chicks (but only for a while before losing them in one way or another) makes for a relation that can be broken off at any time.
Nightcrawler- Somehow the idea of a love-struck Chrissy chasing after him across the world seems hilarious. Though his celibacy vows as a catholic priest may be a problem.
Gonna put in a vote for Doctor Doom. Maybe getting laid will make him less of a dick. You know, so he can finally take over the world like he's supposed to. If the future-viewing shenanigans even apply anymore with Chryssi on the timeline.
Another enjoyable chapter. Good job.
Stop breaking the fourth thru seventh walls you idiot! Frigging Deadpool.
6329905 last part was a joke of course batmans dc. Though you know Deadpool could pull it off
Vemon
Hmmm, main requirement is that the guy has to be able to survive the encounter and then Wade coming after him if Chryssi isn't pleased.
Captain America (Steve/Bucky doesn't matter), Ghost Rider, Hulk, and maybe Spidey if certain events have taken place, and Silver Surfer.
Oh yeah, has Chryssi met X-23 yet?? I can totally see the two of them being besties and raising hell that their fathers have to deal with.
6329215 Genius!
6329950
If dude gets bigger the more worked-up he gets, think about how huge his junk would be, and the fact that Chrysalis would send his heart rate through the ceiling, and he'd just keep getting bigger.
Uhhh, how the hell would that work!?!?!
HOLD THE PHONE
Clearly, the only appropriate option to have someone sire Chryssy's clutch is:
THE SENTRY
He's got just the right amount of evil-insanity due to The Void, pretty sure he wound up being the cause of his ex-wife's death, and Chryssy's hive will be ridiculously OP to the level of Golden Age Superman.