The Merc With the Moth

by Tatsurou

QC: A Rather Silly Place

Author's Note:

A bit of explanation.
This story serves two purposes for me.

One is to create an adorable story with a heart warming plotline, with a good amount of humor.

The other is to have fun writing to an extent I can't in other stories.

Every so often in a story, I'll come up with something that could happen that is hilarious in my head, but would derail the story if I actually used it. Sometimes I make it Omake chapters. Sometimes I use it to end the story on a crazy high note.

Deadpool, however, means I can actually use such ideas throughout the story. He could actually pull them off. However, some of those ideas are still a tad...out there.

As such, those ideas will be marked in the chapter as QC...Questionable Canon. In essence, these chapters are Big Lipped Alligator Moments...things that happen, will in all likelihood never be referenced again, and you can pretend they didn't happen if you choose.

(As an added not, you have no idea how many times I typed "Canterlot" at first, instead of Camelot.)

Deadpool and Chrysalis sat back in the apartment. Today was a new day, and Deadpool had prepared a special treat for Chrysalis. He had decided it was time to introduce her to one of the mainstays of comedy that everyone needed to know about: Monty Python.

As such, Holy Grail was in the DVD player, and they were sitting back to enjoy some of the most classic British humor skits ever made, ones everyone knew even if they'd never seen them. While Deadpool enjoyed watching the skits like always, his real joy was watching Chrysalis enjoy them. She seemed to especially enjoy the Camelot song, dancing along with it.

When that scene ended, Chrysalis turned eagerly to him. "Can we go to Camelot, Daddy?" she asked eagerly. "I wanna see the silly place!"

Deadpool chuckled. "Oh, I think we can manage that," he said, pausing the movie. Kneeling, he scooped her up. "Hold on tight now, Chryssi!" Turning, he prepared to make the jump, but paused. "Hang on, we need something first." Setting her back down, he raced into the bathroom and grabbed a pool inflatable. Rushing back, he laid it on the floor and began rapidly pumping it full of air. Before long, the inflatable shark was ready, lunging to one side with its jaws wide. He then scooped Chrysalis again. "Now we're ready!" he proclaimed, leaping over the shark and towards the TV as they vanished.

Unfortunately, his aim was a little off.

---

Deadpool landed on the Round Table, King Arthur and his knights sitting around it. However, something was not how it should have been. The animation style was different, almost but not quite Disney. Also, the roof was shattered, injured knights lay everywhere, and half of Arthur's throne was bitten off.

"Wow. What did we miss?" Deadpool asked in confusion.

"Merlin, is this part of your enchantment to retrieve Excalibur?" Arthur demanded of the aging wizard.

Merlin stared at Deadpool and Chrysalis for a while. "...sure, we'll go with that," he said.

"Wait, really?" Chrysalis asked in confusion.

"I think Merlin might be high!"

"If he is, I want some," Deadpool said quickly, hopping off the Table. "So whazzup, magic man?"

"Baron Ruber's griffon has stolen Excalibur," Merlin explained calmly. "However, I have seen to it that it has fallen in the Dark Forest, where it will be safe from him until it is retrieved."

Deadpool stared at him for a time, then groaned. "Oh, lordy...it's that Camelot! It's Warner Bros! ...I love those guys!"

Chrysalis blinked. "Wait...does that mean we're in competition with the annoying two headed dragon, the blind dude, and the girl who thinks this era allows for female knights?"

"No wonder you prefer me," Deadpool told Merlin. "Let me just take care of a few things real quick..." Reaching into the ether, he pulled out a sheaf of papers and a red marker. "Uh huh...uh huh..." He made a few marks before scribbling out the rest of it. "And there we go! Now, Merlin, all you have to do is send us to the near edge of the Dark Forest a few days from now, and I'll take care of everything!"

Merlin promptly zapped Deadpool and Chrysalis with lightning, making them vanish. Reaching into his sleeve, he pulled out a dogend and took a drag. "Like I'd share my stash with him," he grumbled.

---

Baron Ruber laughed madly as he poured the 'Acme' vial over his hand, fusing himself with the sword. "Behold!" he proclaimed as he swung his new sword arm about. "With Excalibur one with me, none can stop me!"

"I'd like to test that!" Deadpool proclaimed as he and Chrysalis appeared in a bolt of lightning. "Let's see what you can do against the mighty...red-and-black Knight!" He struck a dramatic pose.

Ruber sneered. "You really think you stand a chance against me?" he demanded. "You pathetic weakling!"

"I would say I'm rubber and you're glue," Deadpool replied, "but that doesn't really apply here, Trojan! Have at you!"

Roaring in rage, Ruber swung his sword arm...only for the blade to bounce off. "Eh?"

"One!" Deadpool proclaimed. "Care to try again?"

In a frenzy, Ruber continued to swing the blade, only for it to bounce off every time, follows by Deadpool shouting 'One!' Ruber stamped his feet in rage. "How is this possible?" he demanded angrily. "How can you resist the might of Excalibur?"

"You might want to double check that," Deadpool said, pointing to the writing on the blade. "I made a few tweaks to the story."

Ruber examined the blade. "What of it?" he demanded.

Deadpool stared. "Wow. Can't read, huh?" He turned to Chrysalis. "See, Chrysi, this is why you stay in school! ...as soon as I find one I can enroll you in. Read it for him!"

Nodding, Chrysalis approached the blade. "E-X-C-A-L-I-P-O-R!" she spelled proudly. Then she blinked. "That doesn't spell Excalibur!" she pointed out.

"Nope! It's not! It's a rather useless fake!" Deadpool posed dramatically once again. "For the true sword of kings, look no further than I! The Knight out of Time!" Reaching into the ether, he drew forth a perfectly balanced blade that glittered with a golden light. "Behold the true form of..." He drew a deep breath. "Ex~cali-bur!" he proclaimed dramatically.

The blade flared in light, and transformed into the ugliest creature Deadpool had ever seen.

Deadpool stared as the creature began to sip tea. "That...is not what I was expecting."

"Is it tasty?" Chrysalis asked.

"Fool!" the creature proclaimed. "Know you not that you are in the presence of the ultimate Weapon, Ex~cali-bur? Mind your place!"

Chrysalis bridled. "Don't talk to me like that! I'ma queen!"

"And I am a sword of Kings!" Excalibur proclaimed. "The first rule you must obey to wield Excalibur-"

The creature's words were cut off as Deadpool put a gun to his nose. "No, not your rules. Mine. Here's the three rules of being wielded by Deadpool. Rule one, you do what I say, when I say it, without question or argument, or I pierce your nose with a bullet! Two, if you ever call my Chrysi a 'fool' again, I'll shoot off one of your testicles! Rule three, your power is always either mine or Chrysi's to command at full force, whoever's holding your hilt. Understand?"

The creature stared up the length of the barrel at Deadpool for a time...then proceeded to dance. "Huzzah and good fortune! At long last I have found a Meister who won't put up with my regulations! One who properly demands my obedience to his will! At long last I have found Arthur's proper successor! I am yours to command, oh King in Red and Black!" The creature flashed with light and reappeared in Deadpool's hand as the blade.

Deadpool blinked. "Wow. Didn't see that coming." He then grinned at Ruber. "I hope you're ready for this!"

Ruber screamed in fear and then agony as Deadpool wielded the sword in a teleporting frenzy of destruction. Chrysalis clapped happily, applauding and encouraging an encore.

---

Hours later, Deadpool stared out at the smoking wasteland that was once the Warner Brothers depiction of Medieval England. "...think I went too far?" he asked.

"Most assuredly," Stuffy scolded.

Chrysalis, Excalibur, and Crazy had a different opinion. "Nope!" they said together.

"Didn't think so!" Deadpool proclaimed proudly. "Now let's see if we can get the right Camelot this time!" Turning, Deadpool used the sword to teleport them to the sea so he could ride a shark into the next movie.

---

Deadpool, Chrysalis, and the knights of the Round Table enjoyed a tap dance routine to work off the weight of all the shark meat they ate. Afterwards, Deadpool leapt over the bones to home. ...and they never spoke of it again.

"...Fools!"

Comments

[Nightmare Loopy]

ok then.

[Silver Page]

Glorious!

[Dawn Flower]

WHY CAN I NOT UPVOTE THIS STORY MORE THAN ONCE?!

[mlpsuperfan]

And the great gods Marvel and Hasbro declared it so: that Deadpool would forever rule Camelot with Chrisalis at his side in humour and ridiculousity!

[TheifofZ]

Excalibur, Excalibur! From the united king, I'm looking for him, I'm going to califorrrniaaaaa.
Hah! I still remember it!

[Bones_]

Such a popular story, and at 40 minutes in, only 3 comments plus mine. I think everyone's just speechless. Also, I liked that Soul Eater reference, Excalibur is my favorite character by far.

[badninja]

Deadpool is a lot like "Who's Line is it Anyway" the show where everything is made up and the points don't matter. Deadpool needs no big plot because there is no fourth wall for him!

[PhysicsInvers342]

Oh god everything just happened at once. XD

[Crux]

Sometimes, I wonder why I even bother with other fimfics

[the other sans]

THe first rule you must obey to wield Excalibur

1. Err... Is the capitalisation accidental?

[keaton-furman-prower]

I'd like to see a spinoff about Chryssi and Deadpool ruling over all of England, but that would defeat the purpose of this being a Big Lipped Alligator Chapter

Every so often in a story, I'll come up with something that could happen that is hilarious in my head, but would derail the story if I actually used it.

Like Rainbow Dash Stark having a little sister named Scootaloo Stark?

[Tatsurou]

6037408
Exactly, like that one.

[Utopianking]

Curses! This is the last uploaded chapter! I've spent the last hour reading from chapter 2.

[Christs Disciple]

That was funny. That is all.

[RoyalRainbow]

AH F***! They transported themselves into the world of "Quest for Camelot!"

Thankfully, Deadpool and Chryssi were there to rip it a new one!

In all seriousness, nicely done with this appropriately random yet well-worth-it chapter.

[Just Defender]

"THAT'S IT! SOMEBODY'S GOT IT RIGHT!!" Nobody in Soul Eater ever tried that; asserting themselves over the sword. I was always wondering why nobody bothered doing that! Kudos to DP and QC!

[Cookie_Girl]

6037731 Maybe Japan will read this, and then fix it.

[Cookie_Girl]

Baron Ruber laughed madly as he poured the 'Acme' vial over his hand

......

...

..

.

Does it actually say that in the movie?

[Tatsurou]

6037809
Yes. Yes it does. The vial of Dues ex Machina green goop says "Acme" on it. Just watch Nostalgia Critic's review of it.

[Cookie_Girl]

6037824 my real life reaction to this knowledge.

.................*drops phone and face palm* ....hahaha

[Chrome Reader]

Soul Eater's Excalibur is in there......

Uuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhh

[Dirty Bit]

Ruber: I feel betrayed...

Never thought Deadpool would be the proper meister for Excalibur rather than Hiro the Brave.

It's been a while since I've seen Quest for Camelot. It was an alright movie to me. Too bad Lauren Faust didn't like working on it. Well...that, and Cats Don't Dance.

[Cauchemar]

How much do you think this would piss captain Britain off?

[AliCentaur Br0ny]

6038258 Thank you.

[Just Defender]

6037805 (falls over laughing) Yeah, and they'll tie that change into season 2 of Soul Eater Not!

[MrCakeandRice]

6038469 Tbh I thought that rocket in Chrissy's mouth was... well... adult entertainment. That picture really scarred me

[Zero the Magic Fox]

I did not mean to break you with the -damd- holly sword. Forgive me oh king of the good story's.

[catfire13]

Yussssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

[Enderborn brony]

*Laughs* Deadpool, you magnificent bastard.

[Kenshinryuu]

*blinks after reading the chapter* OMG, HE GOT THE STUPIDEST SWORD IN THE MULTIVERSE TO SHUT AND AND OBEY HIM!!!! ALL HAIL DEADPOOL AND CHRYSI THE ADORABLE!

I love how Deadpool literally jumped over a shark to enter and exit Camelot, very nice. I was honestly expecting him to pull the Disney Sword in the Stone with the sword still in the stone to be used as a hammer on Ruber. But using SE Excalibur and making him shut up is even better.

[Dark_Knight]

What in the actual fuck did you do to my childhood?

[Perteks]

Excalibur as Lilacor thats is something for sure

[PetuTheViewer]

I almost never upvote an incomplete story but you just earned it. Good work Tatsurou, good work.

[Lord_Kalbario]

Sees Excalibur image...
fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/038/c/5/excalibur__soul_eater_by_ultimateazeroth-d4oxv9x.jpg

[Jadedbun]

I have no idea what shows or movies you're referencing to... Does that mean my childhood is incomplete?

[Tatsurou]

6038939
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Quest for Camelot
Soul Eater

[ArchAngelGundam]

As big lipped alligator moments go, I like this one. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.

[PoisonJoker09]

Hmm... indeed, I see Deadpool is breaking fourth walls in other worlds as well, cool.

I love the sheer amount of references here, and I am sure that later in the story, Deadpool is going to be like 'Like that time back in Camelot?' because he doesn't give a shit about 'big lipped aligator moments'.

Heh, now onward! TO CRACK!

[Azure Ravenscroft]

teleport them to the see

At the end, should be sea. Good B.L.A.M and love the Monty Python reference, us Brits know how to do comedy (some times)

[rikusorasephiroth]

6037216 Because the sheer epicness of this fic goes beyond the pitiful limitations of 'likes'.

[Gogofan]

6038941 omg quest for camelot!!!!!!!! now that takes me back. awesome non canon chapter

[Magical Trevor]

QfC was one of my favourite movies as a kid, so I LOVED this chapter. Thanks for including it!

[Rakaziel]

I think you hold back a bit too much in your other stories.

[Brandon Sky]

I'll be honest, I was waiting for Gilgamesh.
...You know, he'd be like "Enough of this! Men! Women! Bug ponies from another dimension! For Deadpool, IT'S MORPHIN' TIME!"

[Tatsurou]

6041608
...huh?

[pahnazd]

You kept writing Canterlot instead of Camelot, and I kept reading Canterlot instead of Camelot

Still, this is indeed questionable canon, but definitely can see Deadpool actually doing this!

[Crescent Glaive]

6043182 with deadpool, EVERYTHING is canon and also is not canon since he decides what to do and what is what, etc, etc........

[CraftAids]

6038284
uuuuhhhhhh
That image is a Photoshop of images found using google
So, yeah...

[Tatsurou]

6044404
But you put the image together, right?