The Great Fandom Man!

by Jake Witt

Number One Assistant PART 1

He will defeat us.

"Not yet," two voiced said in sync, one smooth and one a monotone drone.

Yet for us is yesterday, today, tomorrow. When is 'not yet'?

"Your dumber than I thought... then again, you're not six super computers with advanced systems."

I blame you. I'm a mute sending a fool on a mission that originated from himself or the kid... or nowhere at all. Bootstrap effect.

"At least you got my personality. So, are you my puppet or child?"

"Error. Error. Disabling rogue devise: Chrono Chrome. Error. Disable failed. Error. Reroute." ...Puppet.

"This is why I need you. You act as my eyes rather than a brain. Wipe time lock information from Time-base Drive. Success 1-2-3-6... 5... 4... Wipe Complete. Barrier: Active." There was a cracking sound followed by laughter as only the smooth voice said, "Show time! Heh HA ha HA!"

---

I paused, my jaw dropped as the recording ended with the delorean fading into nonexistence, leaving Number One no way back to his time. "...Well, I need mouthwash in the future..."

Number One slammed his fist on the wooden table, officially making the scene feel like a cop interrogation since we're in a dark room with a one-way mirror and a dangling light. "That's all you got from that?! Do you realize that time is on the line?"

"Um... yeah. Though, I don't know who to trust now."

"Well, currently Time-base is corrupt and I'm from a lost future with a mission to restore it, ignoring the logic of why I'm still alive."

The door across from me swung open as a DeadPool ragdolled into the room, his top half seemingly floppy as he ran before straightening, "Sir!"

"...Or why I have an army prepared for a rebellion." Number One turned to the merc with a frown, "What is it now? I already promised Taco Tuesday everyday..."

He gave a goofy salute, "This fan fic is crap so we need some action and ponies! Our secret base is overrun by Sombra's Russian Robots with Sombreros and we need a badass. I'm DeadPool so I'm useless," He swung a finger to my face, my nose was almost booped, "We need him!"

"Well, I'm just a kid! All I have is rocket boots and gumballs!" Number One stated before bawling his eyes out as he fell to his knees. I got up on the table, blaring music.

I woke up on the ground, my head wet and music blaring. Number One held his ears as he shouted, "Can you please turn that music off?!"

The volume lowered to tolerable levels as Rouge shouted, "I still don't believe you, kid!"

Mr. Uno raised an eyebrow as he played a recording with Rouge's voice, Oscar and Cortana in battle with sirens blaring and gunshots being heard, < ...I don't want world piece, I don't want laughter in slaughter... um... and I want Time-base to know I recommend his systems with 5 stars and request his aid to create advanced software one day- >

"Stop! Stop it! Stop!" Rouge screamed as Number One ended the recording.

"...I'm going to...uh...be over in inventory. Yeah... lots to do..."

The music lowered as I let an audio file play. Cortana will probably ask why I have a button on my suit that plays that, but seeing Rouge turn purple was entertaining. "You're not helping!"

"Oh good, you're awake," Number One deadpanned as I got up, looking around the wrecked apartment. "I'm not going to ask how you fell asleep so fast."

"I'm not going to question it, though it was probably my all nighters as a dog." I said, activating a drying spell on my head. I cant clean myself... just dry myself so ignore the smell.

Mr. Uno rubbed the bridge of his nose, sighing, "I cant believe we look up to you..."

"Oscar, why are you storing Twinkies in your inventory?"

"Those are the good Twinkies, preserved to survive the next snack death unlike Earth Twinkies."

Number One shook his head, "He actually prevented a war with those cakes and earned an alliance with the Smooze. Go figure." I stared at him, cutting my gaze with my fist being pulled back by my elbow, a long 'yes' slipping out. "Now I got a mission for you."

---

(A week later)

I returned from my mission, Number One greeting me. "Alright, what did they say?"

"What did who say?" I asked.

"The diplomats on the Death Star, did they agree with the plan?" *BZZZZZT* Suddenly his phone buzzed, giving himself a moment to check the news and future log. "Did you attempt destruction of the Death Star?"

I took a step back, "No..."

"Well, why is there a Twinkie stuck in the exhaust port?!" As soon as he turned to face me, Rouge thought it was funny to turn me into Greymatter. Remember? My grey, tiny bodied, genius form? Yeah, now I'm physically tiny! "Hell-" *BZZZZZT* "...Apparently, I'm supposed to get your story and learn that- Screw it. Get on with it!"

"Seriously?!" I asked in excitement.

---

(A few days ago)

From the Everfree, I decided to check my list of side quests and the steps for my main mission.

"You need to check on Twilight as either an emotion or a white blood cell," Cortana read as I transformed into my pegasus form. My body was grey and I had red mane, tail, and eyes plus my ultimatrix disguised itself as a fireball cutiemark. My mane and tail had a similar shape to Spitfire's mane and tail to match my flame-look theme. "Also I think you should give your ponies better names than "Oxcar", it sounds dumb."

Walking into town, I rolled my eyes. As I pasted Fluttershy, I waved a friendly hoof to get a ball of yellow and pink in return that I shrugged off. Once I got to the more populated area, I was tossed into a building before something landed beside me. "Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie!"

"WHY DID YOU TOSS ME?!" I demanded in a voice that resembled Light Me.

"Well... I had a fluttering left eye and an unscratchable itchy back..."

"Pinkie sense is weird..." I then paused to smack myself in the face.

"HA! I knew it! Fluttering right eye is new pony friend and left eye is dis... dusp... Those cool yet weird ponies!" She paused, gasping, "Welcome to Ponyville!"

("Let me guess, she threw you a party." Number One cut in real time*.)

("It was awesome and I had days to plan everything before the party.")

("Carry on.")

A little bit later I attempted to go to Golden Oaks, but was stopped by a pony. "What're you doing to us?!" he demanded.

"What?" I asked with a head tilt.

Another pony from behind pointed out, "Your cutiemark is shining a weird light in our eyes and its creeping me- us out!" I turned back to see the ultimatrix create a light show of pony and griffon DNA scans, inwardly groaning.

I rolled my eyes and frowned, "Well, excuse me for being me! You don't see me judging your buttiemarks! Seriously? A flower?" I asked the guy, "What're you? A gardener?"

"Yes," he firmly replied.

"Did you chose that pansy- not calling you a name -buttiemark? I think a rose would better suit you vanilla and pink color scheme."

"...I guess you're right about that...?"

"Well, from where I come from our butiemarks are-"

"They're called cutiemarks," he replied off hoofly.

"-are not what you would call normal or not yet normal. Besides, I have a brother that has it worse." I inwardly snickered at the dumb idea. "He has a green cloud trail follow him and ponies would make fart jokes at his expense! Heck, I thought I was upwind until now-"

A little filly I recognized to be Sweetie Belle pointed out, "Hey, it stopped!"

"Of course it did, my butt- Hold on, I cant really make a good sentence without it being weird..." I shook my head, tapping my chin and Cortana and Rouge simultaneously groaned in frustration, "My mark likes to meet new ponies." I suddenly got these weird looks before they all shrugged and walked away.

("And no," I said in real time, "I cant turn it off.")

("He lost the manual." Cortana replied flatly.)

When I entered the library, I got a scan off Spike. He got defensive leaving me with the "mark loves ponies" explanation from outside.

"Say, do you know where Ms. Sparkle is at?" I asked, summoning a clipboard from my inventory. "Also my buttiemark is a pocket dimension. Anyway, where is she?"

Spike narrowed his eyes, "Why?"

"Well, I was told that I had to cure or check Ms. Sparkle's status and deliver a message." The last part was both true and cruel.

"I didn't get a letter from the princess."

"Well, I got a letter loud in clear in the form of a hostage situation. I'm not a necromancer or a doctor, but have expertise in things I could name off." I lied, lifting a paper or two to get the message. "In her visit to my city she signed up for many things only to not involve herself when the time came. She missed about five days of twenty events and if I don't get the reason why she'll be tardy-"

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Spike shouted.

"-why she'll be tardy, it would be put on her permanent record."

Suddenly I heard a "Dip the butter into the rescue! Squack! Take a minute to P-A-R-T Y? Cuz I gotta!" as a twitching purple unicorn slid down the stairs like a penguin, ignoring the damage to her chin. Once she stopped, she broke the new awkward silence with, "Cowabunga!"

I clicked a pen, writing and saying, "Mentally insecure." I flipped the page, checking things off, "Well, I think I have an idea of what's wrong." I summoned a cushioned chair and switched clipboards as Spike glared at me. Rolling my eyes I cast a cure spell on her.

"What did you do?!"

"Well, I used a cure spell. What? Pegasi don't have magic here?" I asked with a head tilt as my yellow light washed over Twilight, scanning her DNA.

("Can you skip it to the part that matters?" Mr. Uno asked.)

("But, I liked the bipolar Daring Doo and Monkey therapy session!")

The next day I left the guest bedroom and got myself ready as I turned into my pegasus form. Spike led me to Twilights room where the unicorn began reciting poetry while moving her furniture around and juggling plushies she had with her hind hooves. I'm not having book gum...

Suddenly, Twilight's horn surged as invitations for my party from Pinkie materialized. Below was a schedule and opening for somepony to watch Twilight when she went outside... apparently she's more tame indoors when its quiet. I popped my neck as I looked over to Spike, "She might not need that foalsitter when I'm done- hopefully."

"...Sure... I still don't like you being near her," the baby dragon replied.

"I'm going to try a couple of things," I cleared my throat and raised my hooves. "I call upon the power of the spirit Rouge!"

"hmm?"

"I summon the power of Pesky Dust!" I called out, rolling my eyes back as I was covered in green light. My body shrunk as I became a tiny blue bipedal alien with three fingered gloved hands and bare toes, my head and eyes pretty big. As I hovered in the air, my wings folded over into a white tunic and my hair became spikey and pointed straight up. I let out a shrill purr as I opened my eyes, my ultimatrix on my chest.

"Hold on! You're Fandom the-" I put him to sleep with magical dust before doing the same with Twilight, who began spouting history book facts about me... ending with a dumb fact that I eat trees and ponies. I still don't know where that came from.

I locked the door and pulled the blinds shutter than shut as I entered Twilight's mind...

Author's Note:

*Real time is the Present. I'm not going to constantly change scenes for a short line of dialogue so you imagine the conversation being said.

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Pesky Dust