• Published 4th May 2015
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The Great Fandom Man! - Jake Witt



Dragon Tales had magic, dragons, and rainbow rocks before it was cool. Time for Fandom Man to show these ponies whose boss!

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ACT III PART III

"rEMIND ME WHY I'm IN A HOSPITAL?"

"Rouge repair his vocal chords... I think?"

I heard a bunch of static and ten clicks before Rouge spoke, "You were a sore loser and Number One began to attack us thinking we were some dumb time agent that just so happened to find him even though he locked time where he stood. You decided to fight back, screaming dubs in his face. Then..." There was some laughter as my spine felt numb and my arm began to flail out of control.

"The crowd got angry. They attacked you because you punched a kid with sound even though he had a gun at your face. While you were in mid transformation to your normal form a fast Displaced damaged the ultimatrix, leaving you in a mess of DNA and metal. The Nurse Joys rushed you to the nearest hospital and left a note saying that you were banned from the tournament for your own safety." Rouge stopped laughing and began a low chuckle. "Its like a puzzle trying to fix you! I'm surprised you're not a mutant!"

There was a minute of static before somebody spoke. "...Cortana?"

"Yeah?"

"Cool, you're still with me. I guess the system has a HUGE problem."

My consciousness was fading, but as soon as I got control... something was off.

"Well... I feel weird." I... said? It was my voice, but a bit raspy. "I can hardly feel my face!"

"Oh, you have feelings. Good to know!" I also said? It was... nice sounding. For some reason, my vision is blurry and I can feel some of my chest and right leg... which felt myself pivot as my head moved on its own. "Well, that was rude of myself! What are you doing to me?"

"Screw you dress man, I did nothing!"

"Great! We broke him." Cortana said, tossing her arms up.

"Cortana?! What is that bitch doing here!"

"I do not say those words!"
"We do not say those words!"

Both voices were in sync.............. WHAT?! I suddenly heard wing flaps as I rolled into the nearest wall, floor, and last the ceiling and back on my bed where the blanket stopped my wing. My wing?!

"How the hell did the kid get here?!" I demanded from my left side... a black armored fist in my vision while a white aura covered hand came from my right. "...The hell happened to us?!" My head began to spasm in different directions before locking back in place. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"Obviously looking myself over to see who has what in control," I stated with a right arm shrug and shut eye.

"Well, that's a smart idea. ...But we have a blood-thirsty murderer as our left half!" I stated. We worked together, looking left and right. As confirmed, these were my other selves. My dark self had the half left half of the body and not enough of the head for a helmet change, while me and my light self shared a majority of the torso and right half, me having the front and right leg while light me had right arm and back, thus his right wing came out. "I'm not enjoying the fact that he has his gun arm!"

"Will you shut up! You're unarmed in a hospital! Its a security precaution spell that keeps anything lethal from working!" Cortana shouted.

"Also, the nurse has a working gun at the General's request. ...he believes we contain an eldritch abomination in the ultimatrix."

"We actually do. I just prevent him from being unlocked."

"Speaking of which- you have the ultimatrix arm. FML."

"Can you slap my knee? Its the closest thing to a high five I've got," I requested. Light instead patted us on the head... close enough.

We heard a paper crumble as our head turned to a window. "Speaking of close and numbers~." Above some buildings, the Fat Albert Dome could be seen in the distance. The tournament location!

"You cant fly. In fact, we cant fly!"

"No, but we can glide!" I felt my foot stop toughing the ground as we hovered and broke though the window head first. "Is our weapon systems running?"

"Like I'd tell you!"
"They're online. Loading the gassling guns."

I heard a few pings as bullets shot from my... butt... rendered bullets shot by our nurse nulled as we glided towards the stadium. A bat-like wing extended from my left arm and shoulder as we soared.

From far behind, Rouge relayed a message from Nurse Joy to someone else. "Ace Ventura, we have a flyer."

Jim Carrey's voice responded with some wind in the background, "That is a... uh... 10-4 on the 'I told you so' and 'I see 'im' report. I'll get Inspector Gadget's attention on the subject."

"Changing the channel."

Mayor Popeye's voice came over the radio. "Greetings listeners, we have some good news! ...and more bad."

"Are we low on spinach?"

"The good news, our scientist are making good progress with the cure for book gum though hidden officer Osmosis Jones reports that Twilight's gum has been tampered with. Though, at least she's finally moving... but she looks like a deranged lunatic. Also we finally have a visitor from the show?" There was a few crashes and Tara Strong's different voices rambling and screaming things intellectual and the opposite. "Um... Twilight Sparkle is here!" There were a few a few screams and equipment being tossed around.

"..............the hell?"

Popeye came back on some static filled microphone, "If you see Twilight, run for your lives! She has no control over her actions and has turned nearly everything and everyone here into apples. ...Heck, I have no idea if you can hear me!" A sound of a door slamming open a girl shrieking was heard as the sound of magic cut off the station.

"I'm sure he'll be fine...?"

"Yeah. He's survived every fatal wound ever by eating spinach, I'm sure he has some on him."


I literally busted thought the door, my left arm holding more guns that it should and my right arm dumping holy water on all of the guns as we kicked down the door. A large group of people looked at us, some guy unfortunate enough to be Obama raising an eyebrow. Luckily, there wasn't any blood to be seen.

"I'm here for Number One!"

"My fellow American, wait in line," Obama said, pointing to the back of the line.

I went cross-eyed as I sighed, "I will allow it." My left leg gained a bunch of unorderly spikes that were sharp enough to... I assume to kill, but I would roast mini marshmallows on each one.

"I'm two third American-Equestrian and one third death's tool," we tried to injure him, but he seemed to be untouchable.

"Before leaving my Equestria, I was a student of Starswirl." the transparent Obama held flaming fists, "Watch yourself."

"I can see why they didn't want you."

From around the corner, Edna Mode strode in. "We have some terrible news. Mayor Popeye is busy with a unicorn problem, but its not really anything at all-" She paused when she turned, looking at me. "You look like crap. ...Also I hate your cape."

"That's my wing, ma'am." I replied.

"It could be worse," she said, holding a radio. "We have a breach, over."

"I CANT FEEL MY LEGS!!!" the man on the radio shouted.

"Pull yourself together, Ace!" Edna scolded. She pocketed the radio smirking. "The darling is a mess."

"Oh...hoho! You have NO idea." I said, eye locked on her. Everyone began to laugh as my other eye wondered away from Edna. "...I hate you all so much."

"Light focus, my brain HURTS!!!" I screamed.

"Sorry, but I'm not getting involved!"

"Buckle up, I'm about to ask where Number One is at!"

Edna rolled her eyes, fixing her glasses as she neared us, "Follow me, I'll tell you. Oh my Luna, this guy..."


We attempted to kick down the next doors, but holographic glass allowed our foot to fall though and my neutral leg to drop us out of balance, falling to the floor.

"You don't have to kick down doors!"

"Well, your arm doesn't look occupied!"

"That's because you have ALL those guns!" We got up, opening the VIP area. There sat Chuck Norris, Moe Mew, and Number One.

And I had to pay for his medical bill! I was very lucky to even buy this seat! And another thing- All heads turned, except for Chuck. He turned the space-time continuum around his head to look at me. Number One looked disturbed before transitioning to a smug look as he placed his shades on his face, holding out a necklace.

"That explains it. He has the final piece to the ultimatrix."

"Are the material rare?"

"Normally, they're not. In this case, your spirit is draining into your DNA to the point you might as well be another Maud. That final piece is what will truly fix you. Programs can only do so much!"

"You want this?" Number One asked, pulling up his hood. "Get your beyblade out."

"There are no toys in hell." A chain shot out of one gun, grabbing Mr. Uno.

"It was worth a shot. Bring it!"

"We will!" I shouted as he was pulled closer, allowing us to kick him.

He recovered, electrifying our chain whip. The current destroyed some guns while we gave a two kick-punch combo. An energy shield defended him and destroyed the chain as he shot lethal gumballs from his gun. He flew over head as we attempted another combo.

"Can we, please, have that piece?"

Mr. Uno stopped, tossing the piece back to us, "Hit me with your best shot."

Like a magnet, it pulled itself near the ultimatrix, fixing it. Green energy covered my body as full sight and feeling returned. I was back to being fully neutral and ready for battle.

"Everything is unlocked for a full minute!"

"Favorite the duel disk," I said, running up to Number One. After messing with the ultimatrix I landed a Falcon Punch next to his head. A pink aura covered me as Mew held my arm in place.

"Bad idea, Conners," Mew said. "I'm NOT paying for HIS hospital room!"

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