Disregard Safety, Acquire Humans

by SwiperTheFox

The Fifth Part

"And," you say, "there was this letter and stuff saying that you'd be able to help us." You reach down to your pocket. You fumble around, feeling a pair of keys, a wallet, and a lollipop. Oh, right. You sigh. "But I ate it."

"No, I ate it, Twilight!" Pinkie chimes in, standing atop one of Twilight's bookshelves with her hooves juggling bright new catalogs into the air.

"We both ate it." Those words feel so odd coming out of your mouth.

"Pinkie! Don't touch those! You'll get them all out of order!" Twilight throws herself across the room and braces herself against the bookshelf. Her horn glows brightly, but she holds her fire, waiting for the pink mare to respond.

"Twilight, don't worry," Pinkie says, leaping down the shelves almost like a monkey as she kicks to slide those books back into place, "we just are trying to find the right spell-book."

"Let me do that!" Twilight lights up the whole shelf with her purple magical aura. "What's it for, anyways?" She eyes both of you. "Oh, I know it's to get down the flying confectionery object, but how on earth do you plan to do that?"

"What you did with Rarity, you silly," Pinkie answers. She swats the air with a hoof, giggling. "Just give us wings. Those cutesy butterfly like things. Then, we'll chase after it."

"Blast it, I wish Fluttershy or Rainbow were here," Twilight mutters. She grabs a set of thick green volumes from high atop the bookshelf. They spin around her head like bugs.

"Hey, wait," you whisper. Give 'us' wings? 'We' will chase after it? What the hell! "What's this 'we' talk?"

Pinkie scurries to the side, her tail curling up around your legs. You run your hands along your cheeks. Pinkie looks up at you, her mouth open as she grins. You had no idea what to make of her happy yet almost devious expression. Pinkie, I've more than had enough of this.

"A-ha!" Twilight calls out. She throws down the skinniest of the green volumes in the middle of the floor, her face scrunching. She runs a hoof along the page. "This is the newest edition of the spell. They're more like insect wings now, and they're very speedy-- very flexible as well." She visualizes the contours of the spell in her mind, her eyes glazing over. "I'll need to use some potions with it, but it won't take long at all to cast. The strength of this edition is astounding. You might even beat Fluttershy no less."

Magic doesn't work on humans. Why the hell am I afraid, anyways? You try to take a sigh of relief. You find Pinkie's flanks bouncing up against the back of your legs. You stagger forwards, with her half-pushing you and half-rubbing up against you. What is this? Pinkie!

"Do the wings come in pink?" Pinkie asks, leaping up on Twilight's right side as she pushes you forwards against Twilight's left side. The two of you make a sudden Twilight sandwich, with the unicorn letting out an 'urk' sound. Your feet rubbing up against Twilight's hooves, you try to step backwards.

"Uh, yes," Twilight replies. She leans down and slides right out of the two of you's hold. You glance over at her, and you glare at Pinkie.

You feel like barking 'get serious, for once'. But you realize that it would be as futile as asking a fish 'get dry, for once' or Fluttershy 'get daring, for once' or Dashie 'get slow, for once'. You just take a gulp as you move yourself against the bookshelf. Pinkie won't take her eyes off of you.

"Ready to fly, Snoopy?" Pinkie asks. "The bloody Red Baron isn't anywhere around, and you won't need any goggles or any doghouse to ride on." She giggles, her mane and tail perking up. "Get ready, ace!"

"Pinkie! Magic doesn't work on humans!" you protest, your hands in the air. Oh, dear sweet merciful Celestia or whomever is in charge of this world, please don't. Please, no. I can't stand heights. You think back to your last trip up a skyscraper, and how the bile just seemed to course all through your insides as you looked straight down from the elevator. Your head had hit the glass, eyes spinning. You could hardly breathe back then.

"That's a handicap," Twilight says, standing up straight and looking off at a far corner of the library. She slides out a beat up old grayish-green book and flings it through the air towards her. "Not that big of a deal, though." She flips through the book, holding it right above her head. You peek over. It seems more like the scribblings of an insane person-- weird black and red shapes drawn inside a haphazard mixture of huge and tiny text-- than anything readable.

"I don't get it," you comment.

"Well, Pinkie can grow wings," Twilight says, looking back at the mare. Pinkie stood up proudly and made a mock salute. "So, you can get tethered to her."

"Tethered!" You picture yourself clutching for dear life onto a tiny rope with building after building flashing far below your feet. You can hardly keep from crying at the sheer blast of terror. No way! No freaking way!

"It's not what you think!" Twilight says, walking up over to you. "It's not what you think at all. Really. Take a look at this." She magically holds up the book in the air over to you. You reach out. As you hands come near, whatever weird nullifying force humans have counteracts her magic, and the grayish-green book collapses onto the ground, pages scattering out of the binding. "Oh, sorry!" Twilight blushes, and she picks it up just with her hooves, holding it back up to you. You read on.

The SECRETS of SPERM enhancement-- MIGHT SPERM POWER flowing across NEW metallic wondermints enshrine the next course of POWERMENT FOR INDUSTRIAL electricity during COURSE enabler TOXIC FAITH moments?

Some say that it can be so, although those sum have declared that rabbits pellets are shined whenever what may is like when do what? HO-oh!

Faith toxic is the next black managements, for when toxic faith knocks your door, west is where YOU end your TRAILS with PANACHE and FRESH IGLOOS-LIKE expense reductions!

You glare at the image of what looks like human-sized sperm with wiggling tails flying through the sky like clouds and powering what looks like a set of windmills. You blanch, head shaking. "What the--"

Twilight flips the book back, looks at the page, and blushes even redder. "Oh, sorry! Next couple pages!" She flips though the book and gives it back over. You glance down at it, noticing odd, barely legible scribbling everywhere. You see a tall pegasus riding through the air with some scaly creature sort of like an adolescent Spike. You scratch your chin as you focus on the pegasus' flanks, and you notice some kind of tentacle sticking from the pegasus to the dragon-like thing's back.

"I'm, seriously, going to," you say, taking a nervous gulp and forcing out those last words, "ride Pinkie."

"And you're not even taking me out to dinner first!" Pinkie calls out, smirking as she hops to and fro across Twilight's back. "So aggressive-and-masculine, my little Snoopy."

You open your mouth to say something back. "I guess we don't have much time," Twilight interrupts. "I should probably get started.

"Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Oh, yay!" Pinkie yells, moving up and down rapidly like a jackhammer in sheer excitement.

Twilight mutters part of the spell as her horn starts to glow. You watch as a purple aura goes over Pinkie's body. She keeps on hopping, her eyes focused on her determined unicorn friend. You see whips of purple magic appearing over your head, kept away from your human body by whatever repellent force your own cells contain.

You've heard Twilight explain it in depth before, something about how magic travels in subatomic particles that merely bounce off of molecules in your own planet, but you couldn't keep from dozing off as she went on. Now, you strain to remember. How the hell is she attaching me to Pinkie if magic won't work on me?

"Ooooh, wow, Twilight! That t-t-tickles!" Pinkie calls out, throwing her body down and shivering. Pink and purple sparks flutter all across her sides, making her jiggle every which way every other second. She closes her eyes and lets out a torrent of small laughs. "S-s-so w-w-weird! Wowie-zowie!" Little bumps have already formed on her back.

"Take off your clothes, please," Twilight says as she finishes the first part of the spell, looking over at you.

"Aw, crap," you mutter, but you still pull off everything sans your undies and slide it onto the floor in front of you. You feel so exposed and so helpless. You know that you have to be blushing profusely, even though your pink-stained skin wouldn't show it.

You glance over awkwardly as Pinkie still writhes on the floor, giggling again and again. You make a little gasp as Twilight's eyes move up and down along your figure, but she has a very clinical expression. She blinks, and she focuses on your discarded clothes. Her purple aura covers across them.

"Onorum! Sourterum!" Twilight hollers. She stands back and leans her head up. You look into your eyes, and you immediately wish that you hadn't. Small purple stars, burning brightly, seem to have replaced her pupils. "Sourterum-eschewla!" You reflexively close your eyes, and you hold your arms against your chest and belly.

Twilight lets out a chorus of what seems like nonsense words. You feel magic rushing through the air around you, the pure energy making the whole room feel frozen for some reason. Yet you still sense her magical grip bouncing off of you from your human nature. You shudder.

"Twilight," you groan, "what the hell is going to--"

"All done!"

You blink. You feel Twilight's hooves going over your chest and belly, pulling you down. You sit, and you open your eyes up slowly. You gaze into Twilight's motherly expression, and you feel rather relieved. You feel something thick and rubbery nudging up against your legs, and you look down.

You see a bright pinkish-magenta flight suit, matching your pink stained skin and hair perfectly. "Oh, I guess that used to be my clothes, but now I just," you begin.

"Put it on," Twilight finishes.

You make a little sigh, and you thrust your feet down inside it. The rubbery sensations seem like nothing you've felt before. You snicker for a moment, saying, "You know, back on Earth, guys like me would charge good money to have women dress them up in these kinds of outfits."

Twilight smiles, blushing. You stand up, feeling her rubbing up with her hooves. In just a moment, you reach the top of the zipper and flick a latch besides your neck. You take a deep breath. The rubber suit fits your whole body like a second skin You have open room for your feet, hands, and head, but the pinkish material envelops every inch of the rest of your body snugly.

"Okay," you say, seeing Twilight size you up, "it fits nice enough. But how does this get attached to Pinkie? And how is she, ah, doing?" You look over to your side, and you see a big blob of pinkish-purple light where Pinkie had lay.

"Pinkie?" Twilight walked over, holding out a hoof.

You let out an 'urk' as you feel something warm and slender wrapping around your chest. You look down, spotting something like a tentacle for a split-second, and suddenly you get jerked up to the side and thrust into the air. You wave your arms and legs helplessly as the tentacle pushes you up and down. Your eyes focus on the ceiling as you just narrowly dodge the fan, feeling like a ball in the hand of a juggler.

"Wow! Look what you did to my tail! Awesome!" Pinkie yells from below you. "Oh, and just look at these wings!"

You try to slide yourself over to the side, looking down as the tentacle holds you tightly. You feel it going up into some kind of belt on your suit. You see Pinkie standing proud below you. She hops from side to side as Twilight lets out a sigh of relief. Thick white wings with pink stripes along the edges, looking a lot like what you'd find on a dragonfly, flicker upon Pinkie's sides.

"Hey, wait a minute!"

"Oh, sorry, Snoopy," Pinkie says, and she yanks you closer. You rub up against her back, reaching out and holding onto her mane for a second. You glance to the side, and you see her hovering in the air a few inches. Her tentacle stretches around your sides down to your belly. "Wow, I really can do it! I'm doing it! I can't believe it!" She looks at Twilight for a long while before twisting her head back towards you. You can tell that her sheer happiness almost drips off of her face.

"So, I suppose that's what used to be your tail now," you say as you nudge your fingers against the pink tentacle eveloped around your body.

"Oh, I see, it's like a belt!" Pinkie wiggles her flanks, sliding her tentacle-tail off of you. She slides it through a set of straps around your midriff, and you feel the tip of her tail tickling your chin. You giggle, having little choice.

Twilight laughs at the scene. "This is just perfect. The new spell worked better than I could have imagined."

"What are we waiting for!" Pinkie yells, zipping around in the air inside Twilight's library like a trapped bee, You grip her shoulders tightly, even though you can tell that her special tail has an incredible hold on you. Her insect-like wings beat furiously besides you. "Let's get outta here and go for that flying pot!"

"Hey, wait!" Twilight bucks up on her hind hooves as Pinkie sails over to a massive, open window. "There's so many details about flying that you don't know! There's a whole training--"

"Booooring," Pinkie moans, wiggling her head about. You feel her mane fluttering across your chest and face as you ride along her back. Ugh! So pink! You blink as you gently push down.

"And not to mention the one weakness of the spell!"

"See ya!" Pinkie pushes her hooves back against her body and shoots her wings backwards. You boom through the air and out the window. You flick your head back, seeing Twilight's miffed expression. The unicorn quickly turns into a purple dot in the distance as Pinkie flies through the still Ponyville air.

"Pinkie," you say, leaning down and gripping her closely. You try your best not to look down, just focusing on the fluffy pink mane in front of you. "That probably was important!"

"Nowhere near as important as the ducks," she calmy replies, and she turns off to the right. You take a short, tense breath.

"What?"

"Ducks! Watch out!"

Fluttery white feathers smack against your face and shoulders, knocking you back. You reach up and swat your hands about from side to side. Angry quacks fill the air around you. You cough as you slide back on Pinkie's body, your legs moving down over besides her fast beating wings.

"You filthy squawking bastards!" you scream out. The crowd of ducks break to your right side, going off twoards Everfree Forest. You shake a fist at them. "Hey, I'm flyin' here! I'm flyin' here!" You slip into your best NYC accent without even thinking.

"Hey, I think I see the pot up ahead!"

"Good," you say as you look up and to the left. You ride Pinkie down as she follows a huge gust of wind. You lean forwards and get a good look at the ground. You immediately wish that you hadn't. "Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh!" You feel your eyes growing big as dinner plates as you observe pony after pony scurrying around far beneath you-- as small as the little toy horses from your sister's doll collection at home.

"There's nothing to be worried about, Snoopy the cute little jumpy," Pinkie remarks, laughing for a second. You don't respond. You simply glare downwards as Sugarcube Corner, Colgate's Dentistry, and Roseluck's flower cart pass below you. You press your body against Pinkie's, with your hands rubbing up along the back of her head. She seems to like your touch more than you'd think, blushing as your fingers curl against her fur. "Nothing to worry about at all! And I can see the flying pot from here!"

"Fine," you reply. "Fine, fine." You close your eyes once again.

"My vectors are locked. Ready to aim. Ready to fire." You can tell that she's making a shark-like expression as her ears perk backwards.

"Why couldn't I have appeared in Equestria in, say, a Canterlot hot tub alongside Princess Luna instead," you moan.

To Be Continued...

Comments

[Book Smart]

>"You run your face along your cheeks"
Wat. Is this some sort of new lingo I'm unaware of that kids use today?

[Lionheart]

now you must make a story of a human appearing in a hot tub with princess luna!

[Frizzy]

687127
687136
I agree to both of these statements.

[SwiperTheFox]

687127
687136
687447
Hahahahaha, yes! I should totally write that!

[Lionheart]

690591 do it do it doit i really wanna see this now!

[FanOfMostEverything]

Some residual Pinkieness seems to still be in the narrator's psyche...

Also, Pinkie with tentacles is one of the most terrifying things I'd never thought of. Until now. Thanks for that.

[LovingTolerance]

If Discord turned into a parasprite and ate the words from Twilight's spell books, he would puke. The puke would be this story.

Seriously though, it's entertaining. I haven't read any fan fics like this before. Thanks for sharing.

One thing:
Snoopy seems hard to relate to. I'm not saying that his behavior isn't realistic, since he's really being put through a lot. He just seems like a snide grump.

[SwiperTheFox]

692449
692308
He is a grump generally, but the pinkness / Pinkie-Pie's-insanity seems to be seeping into him.

I'm glad that you both like the story!

The thing, though, is that I really don't know what to do next. I had a pretty clear idea of everything up to this upcoming final chapter. Now, I'm somewhat blanking. What do you both suggest?

[FanOfMostEverything]

695794 A few ideas:

*Moments before Snoopy grabs the orbital device, a new human spontaneously appears and crashes into him. Pinkie immediately dubs the newcomer Woodstock.
*The pink, given its magical nature, is slowly eroding Snoopy's spell immunity, gradually transforming him in mind and body into a pony. Possibly Berry Bubble. Yes, I'm proposing that Pinkie stumbled upon a way a way to clone herself with popcorn. Remark on clichéd nature of idea to taste.
*Air Pinkie crashes through the fourth wall, much to Snoopy's and your displeasure. Pinkie, of course, thinks it's hilarious.
*The alluded-to weakness is encountered. Disastrously.
*Tentacle shenanigans.

Use, adjust, and/or ignore whatever you'd like.

[SwiperTheFox]

695833
All five except for number two just sound fantastic. Especially the third. I'll really think about it.

[LovingTolerance]

695794

The flying confectionery device turns out to be way harder to take down than they expected. They manage to get it to Canterlot so their pegasi friends can help them. In the end, they manage to take it down, but not without destroying a lot of Canterlot first. Some explanation of loose ends might be good too if you can pull it off right. I'd like things to end well for Snoopy. Maybe he comes out of the whole thing a better man somehow.

Or you could do anything else. The story is pretty crazy, so anything goes.

[Rrazz]

Magical flying Pinkie is best Pinkie

Still loving it, can't wait to see what happens next!

[Mister Cider]

Next chapter is the Final Boss Battle? Coolio.