AXE COP MAKES A FRIEND (Part 1)
One of the Apple family's cousins from Manehattan came to town, I assume for the Harvest Day Parade. I helped the ponies build some of the produce-shaped floats for said parade, but that was dumb and boring so I'm not going to talk about it anymore.
I happened to be nearby but out of sight when the Apples’ cousin, Babs Seed, was waiting for the train back to Manehattan, and I saw her confronting the two local bullies in defense of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
“So you’re leaving huh? Great! Now we're stuck here with these lame blank flanks,” said the pink one with a diamond tiara on both her head and her butt. I think that was her name, actually. Diamond Tiara.
“Hey! That’s not how you talk to my friends!” Babs retorted in her heavy Bronx accent.
“F-friends?” said Diamond’s cohort, the grey one with a silver spoon on her rump. Oh right, that was her name too. Did they get them changed when they got their cutie marks or something?
“Yeah, you got a problem with that?” Babs countered.
“Well, what if I do? What are you gonna do about it?” Diamond shot back.
“Tell your mothers about your bad attitudes!” Babs stepped forward aggressively, causing the two bullies to step backwards off the edge of the platform and fall into the mud. It was at this point I approached them.
“Have you two still been harassing those four fillies just because they haven’t found their cutie marks yet?” I stared down at them, using my comparatively towering height to my full advantage. They quickly looked at each other then back up at me when Apple Bloom spoke up.
“That’s them, mister Axe Cop! Ya gonna chop their heads off?” The bullies looked absolutely pants-wettingly terrified, that is if ponies wore pants.
Applehat lightly bopped her in the head with a hoof. “‘Bloom, ya know he only kills bad guys, and those two are still too young to be entirely unredeemable.”
As I slowly pulled my crystal axe out of my backpack, I continued to glare down at them. “It’s not their heads I’m going to chop off.” With four quick slashes of my axe, the two bullies screamed and there were several thin paper-like objects hovering in the air. I grabbed them and held them up to reveal they were the bullies’ cutie marks. With a sharp gasp, they quickly wiped the mud off their backsides to reveal their flanks were blank, at which point they screamed again. I folded them up and tucked them in my pocket. “You’ll get these back in a week. This is your punishment for your relentless bullying, and hopefully it will keep you from turning into bad guys in the future.”
The four fillies still on the platform stomped their applause while the Orange One just shook her head. “Ah still don’t approve o’ yer methods, but ya don’t fail to get results, Axe Cop.”
A few days later, as Changeling Soldier and I were leaving her house after I got my two minutes of sleep, I noticed a large crowd of ponies in front of the town hall. I figured something must be going on, so I went over to investigate. As I got close, a rainbow streak hit me in the chest and pushed me back. “You don’t need to get involved in this, it’s between her and Twilight,” Renbow Dosh said as she continued to push me away.
“Look Dashie,” I retorted, “You know I know what’s going on here, I just wanted a better look, that’s all.” She stopped pushing, but she still hovered in front of me with her hooves on my chest. “In fact, we’ll be heading out of town in a few minutes anyway. I just want to see this getting started.” Speedycloud finally backed off, albeit still reluctantly.
From the other side of the crowd, I heard a zap of magic, followed by a familiar whine. “You beast! This shade of brown should only be used for accents!” Rarara gasped, and a few seconds later I heard The Pink One.
“Come on Applejack, we’ve gotta get her in a nice soothing pink, stat!” I had gotten close enough to see Applejohn with the White One draped across her back in a gaudy dress walking away from the crowd, with Ponka in tow. From the other direction, I saw Dr. Purple and Igor walk up to the crowd, which practically parted to let them through.
“What’s going on here?” she exclaimed.
“Well, well, well. If it isn’t... Twilight Sparkle!” Oh right, this was the return of Trixie.
“Trixie!” The Lavender Wizard showed her ability to state the obvious.
I crouched down behind the crowd and leaned over to Changeling Soldier. “Hey CS, we should get out of town while the getting’s good. I have some ideas as to how to deal with this, but they involve not being stuck inside the town.”
She facehoofed. “Great, now he’s abbreviating it,” she muttered to herself. Turning to me, she whispered back, “What was that about getting stuck in the town?”
“You know I can’t tell you, but we need to get going, like now.” She nodded, and we ducked around the corner of the nearest building and made our way out past Sweet Apple Acres, to the clearing between the farm and the Everfree forest. On the way, I asked her, “Do you know if there’s a lemon farm around here?”
“Nope, I don’t know any of the smaller farms.”
“Great. I guess we’re going to have to wait for Porchlight Spackle to show up, I bet she’ll know.” Changeling Soldier rolled her eyes, and with a flash of her golden flames, she transformed into a perfect copy of the unicorn in question.
In a mockery of Twi’s voice, she said, “Ohh, My name is Twilight Sparkle! I know everything there is to know because I’ve read all the books in the library, and Princess Celestia taught me everything that wasn’t in them!” With another quick flash, she transformed back into her normal pony form and looked a bit sheepish. “Sorry you had to see that. I was in the same class with her at Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, and she always showed up the whole class and ruined the grading curve when she wasn’t going off to get instructed by the princess. It’s not fair, her talent is magic itself.”
I chuckled to myself. “You don’t like her now, just wait a couple months,” I muttered.
“What?”
“Nothing.” I pointed back towards the town, which had been covered in a giant inverted fishbowl shield while we weren’t looking. “Look, here she comes now.” Sure enough, Sparklebutt was walking right towards us. “Hey Torchlight! Before you head out to Zecora’s, you know if there are any lemon farms around here?”
“She doesn’t have nearly as many trees as sweet Apple Acres here, but Lemon Burst has a few lemon trees. Her farm is down that way, closer to Fluttershy’s cottage.” She pointed down the dirt path that ran between the apple farm and Shy’s place.
“Lemon Burst!?” I laughed and clapped my hands together. “That name couldn’t possibly be any more appropriate!”
Both of the ponies got a confused look. “Why do you say that? What do you need lemons for, anyway?” asked Purple Smart.
“I’m going to use them to blow up Trixie so we can get the Alicorn Amulet off of her!” Her jaw worked itself up and down while her mouth flapped open and closed like a fish. “Close your mouth Sparkle, you’re drawing flies.”
Once she recovered from the shock, she raised a hoof in a gesture that suggested she was going to chastise and/or correct me, then she just stopped. put it back down, and gave me an exasperated. “You can’t blow her up!”
I rolled my eyes at her. “Fiiiine, I won’t blow her up. Can I blow up her shield at least?”
“I don’t know how you’re going to do that with lemons of all things, but I don’t see a problem there.” She shrugged. “I should get going, I have to figure out my own way to confront Trixie.”
I nodded, and we headed our separate ways. “See, that’s another reason I like working with you, outside of you being a human. You say and do things that confuse Sparkle, and that entertains me to no end. Speaking of which, I don’t get that one either... how are you going to blow up the shield with lemons?”
“You’ll see. Oh, there it is.” I pointed at the lemon trees visible on the side of the dirt road up ahead, with a smaller farmhouse visible up behind them. As we got closer to the farmhouse, I saw there were a few big baskets of lemons sitting in front, with a sign nearby that read: 10
= 1 basket. There didn’t seem to be anyone around, though. Maybe they were in town when the shield dropped. “Hey CS, I need ten bits.”
“Yeah, yeah.” She levitated ten bits out of her saddlebag and left them on the front porch of the farmhouse. “So? What are you going to do with the lemons?”
“First, I’m going to eat one.” I grabbed a lemon, pulled my regular axe out of my backpack, sliced the lemon into wedges, stuck one on my axe, and ate the rest of it. “Now I’m Axe Cop with Lemon.”
She facehoofed again. “Come on, really? What are you going to do, cut her and squeeze that lemon wedge into the wound?”
“Help me load a basket of lemons into my backpack and I’ll show you.” I grinned.
“Is that much even going to fit?” she asked.
“Don’t be silly, of course it is.” I kept a couple lemons in hand, but the rest fit in my backpack with no issues, a fact which CS looked surprised to see. We made our way back towards the town, and stopped at the dirt road. As I wound up with one of the lemons, I yelled, “I’m gonna throw a grenade bomb and you’re gonna die!” I sent the lemon sailing through the air at the shield, and it exploded on impact. It didn’t seem to damage the shield at all, though.
Changeling Soldier’s jaw dropped open, then a few seconds later she began muttering to herself. “I really shouldn’t be surprised by any more at this point. Why does that, of all things, surprise me?”
With a scowl, I took off my backpack, set it in front of me, and flopped it open. Setting my axe down beside it, I started hurling lemons alternately with both hands, but I stopped after I threw something that clearly wasn’t a lemon. It was much heavier, and the wrong color, though upon impacting the shield it exploded like the rest of the lemons, but it was a multicolored burst. Was that the weird thing I picked up in the Crystal Empire?
An odd creature appeared from the rainbow explosion, spinning to a halt as it descended to the ground, while the remaining energy in the air coalesced back into that weird stone I found. The creature somewhat resembled a slender human female with pure white skin, and her blue hair curled down the sides of her head, where white spikes extended from her flesh. An odd golden gem seemed to be pierced through her chest from the back, splitting in two in the front, and her eyes matched it in color. She appeared to be wearing a black ball gown with matching evening gloves and a red armband, plus a small black top hat on her head. She settled to the ground facing the shield.
“The fuck is this thing?” she wondered, tapping at it with both fist and Market Gardener.
I thought her general shape looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t completely place it at first, then it struck me. In confusion, I said, “A pokemon? I didn’t think that was a pokeball that I found. Hello?”
She whirled around and brought a large shoulder-mounted device up aimed at me, before slowly relaxing. “Oh… uh… hi. I’m Cinder. Who’re you?”
I recoiled somewhat at the unfamiliar... weapon? but replied, “I’m Axe Cop, and this is Changeling Soldier.” I gestured at her, and she still had a stunned look on her face. “How did you get here?”
“You activated my Displaced Token, it was a rainbow colored grenade, if you’ll remember. Here, take it.” She held out her reconstituted Token and shouldered her launcher, gliding over towards me at a serene pace.
I accepted the Token back and stowed it back in my backpack. “Oh, is that what this thing was? I just thought it was a neat crystal or something. Wait, Displaced Token? Huh?” I asked in confusion. “Does this have anything to do with that weird guy that sold me this axe?” I gestured at the axe on the ground next to my backpack. “I was actually kidding when I asked him if it would send me to another dimension or something.”
“Well, he wasn’t. He’s known as the Merchant and he’s the source for most of us, the Displaced. The technical definition is any human or creature that’s been forced from its home Universe and sent to some other one. Though, to be honest, a fair amount of us were Displaced because we would have died otherwise. I was… well, you know what Australium is?” Cinder tapped at her chest gem and the edges of her eyes.
“Australium... wasn’t that a Team Fortress thing? So, you’re a heavily armed Pokemon?” Changeling Soldier had recovered by this point and was just taking in the conversation in interest.
Cinder nodded, showing off her armband denoting her as a Soldier. “In short, yes. But anyway, I was Displaced because a chunk of Australium smashed the planet into little chunks and ripped me and some rubble out of existence and into the path of a stray Void Dweller. But that’s enough about my shitty story. Us Displaced can be summoned by means of special Tokens; items containing a message that somehow pull us into the user’s reality, if we’re available. They can be anything, really, just like how mine is a grenade.” Speech done, Cinder took a bow and leaned against the glass bowl covering the town. “Any questions?”
“...Well, if that’s the case, I may have accidentally created a token just after I found yours. You see, I went with some of the ponies up to the Crystal Empire, but we got attacked by some big smoky shadow pony thing. I tried to fight it off with my axe, but all that happened was it caused dark crystals to grow on it. That totally threw off the balance, so I decided I needed a new one. I carved one out of crystal, but it was kind of crappy, so I used it to carve this one,” I pulled my crystal axe out of my backpack, “then I used this one to smash that one, but it exploded into a storm of tiny axes.” As I finished my speech, a tiny crystal axe popped out of the top of the full-sized one’s head. “Yeah, like that one.”
“...... I just remembered how fucking insane the Axe Cop comic was. You and I are gonna get along just fine, my friend.” Cinder picked up the tiny axe and shoved it into her belt pouch, lightly slapping me on the back as she reverted back into her normal RED and white coloring. In this form she looked more like the Gardevoir appearance I was familiar with, though the parts that would be red were golden, and the parts that would be green were red. She still wore the top hat and armband, though.
“Oh neat, that was a mega form? I heard about those but I didn’t get to play the last gen of Pokemon games.” I picked up my backpack and slung it back over my shoulders, shoving both axes back inside afterwards, and patted Cinder on the shoulder. “That psychic-talking thing you have going is pretty cool. I’m sure you can figure out what kind of stuff I can do if you already know Axe Cop, but what kind of things did you get from that mix of yours?”
She shrugged and held up an orb of shadows, playing with it and letting it orbit her form. “I can use every move a Gardevoir could, I can craft the things from Team Fortress using nothing but scrap materials and an anvil, I don’t take damage from rocket jumping, I can respawn at a pokeball… basically, a perfect blend between Pokemon and Team Fortress 2. It’s pretty great.”
I was about to speak again when Changeling Soldier nudged me in the leg. I looked down at her, and she tilted her head at the giant inverted fishbowl with a look of urgency. Smacking my forehead, I turned back to Cinder and exclaimed, “Oh right! I was trying to break that thing when you showed up, but it seems to be impervious to explosives. Too bad, that much glass blowing up would have been pretty cool. You have anything that might be able to break it? It was apparently created by a unicorn powered up by the Alicorn Amulet, if that means anything to you.”
“Well, I could try using my Rayquaker 9000.” Cinder held up her launcher and toggled a few buttons on its touchscreen. “Maybe using Dragon Ascent would work.”
I shrugged. “It’s worth a shot. I don’t have anything else to throw at it right now outside of hitting it with an axe, which I can’t really see working. That’s why I went straight to explosives. I also kind of wanted to blow up the unicorn responsible, but Purple Smart said I couldn’t.”
“Awww…. but explosives are fun!”
I nodded in agreement, then shrugged. “If you have anything that’s an energy-type of attack that might work better. Since explosives are basically just big impacts, I wouldn’t think they would work unless they’re like, big enough to destroy the surrounding area, and we probably shouldn’t do that. I kinda like this place, don’t want to see it get wrecked.”
Cinder tossed her launcher to the side, holding her hands up the her chest and focusing, a brilliant orb of light forming between her hands. “This is my Hyper Beam. Maybe this will work.” And with a mighty shriek of ionized air, the Hyper Beam slammed into the glass dome with the force of an angry Godzilla-stomp, splashing against its surface for a maximum damage output of… absolutely nothing at all. Twenty seconds later, Cinder collapsed to the dirt, panting and glaring at the unscathed glass surface with glowing golden eyes.
A few seconds later, the entire glass bubble shimmered and vanished. I looked down at Cinder. “Dang, you okay? I wasn’t sure if that would work either, but it looks like that thing was indeed virtually indestructible. I wonder why Trixie never came to see what we were doing...” I rubbed my chin in thought. “Once you recover, we should go watch the rematch between Trixie and Sparklebutt. I know what’s supposed to happen, but since we’re here, that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen exactly the same way. Also, we should probably try not to be seen. Changeling Soldier, can you turn into a pegasus and circle around? I might need the two of you to distract Trixie if things go sour.” She nodded, and with a flash of golden flames, her horn vanished as wings appeared on her back.
Cinder panted on the ground for a few more seconds before holding out her hand, silently asking for help. I gave her a hand in getting up, carefully pulling her to her feet. “Thanks, Axe Cop. Say, what even is your name? I mean before Displacement.”
“I don’t tell anyone here except friends, but it’s Axel. Yes, really. Go ahead and laugh.” I got a tight-lipped expression of mild frustration at previous reactions to my name. I hate those reactions so much.
“Axel? ….. Oddly appropriate, actually.” Cinder blinked twice, brushing the dirt off her dress and picking up her Rayquaker. “So… shall we?”
“Let’s do this.” I signaled Changeling Soldier to go do her part, and then led Cinder to where the rematch was to be held. From the angle we approached, we could see several ponies hiding behind a statue – Big Mac, Granny Smith, and Apple Bloom all painted up to look like Applejack, and Sweetie Belle painted up like Rarity. As we approached, Sweetie Belle noticed us and started pointing at us, causing the others to turn and look. I turned to Cinder and whispered, “Can you selectively broadcast your thought-speech, and can it work the other way around, can you ‘hear’ it if people think at you?”
“Yes to both,” Cinder replied, waving lightly at the ponies.
“Can you do something like a thought network, so a bunch of people can hear each other through you?” I thought at Cinder. “If you can, could you hook up this group of ponies here, then add a few more in the crowd over there after we get it explained?”
Cinder concentrated for a few seconds. “Ngh, it’s a bit straining, but I think I can keep this up as long as nothing breaks my concentration.”
“Thanks Cinder, I really appreciate it. Alright, everypony that can hear me, don’t worry, this is Cinder, she’s a friend. I don’t plan to interfere with what you’re doing, we’re just going to hide here with you.” All the ponies went wide-eyed when I started thinking at them, but they seemed to calm down fairly quickly.
“Hello, I’m Cinder. Nice to meet you.” Cinder waved again from where we stood.
The ponies looked back and forth briefly between us, then at each other, and some random thoughts were partly audible, but nothing understandable. One by one, they all nodded at us, and we drew closer. “Okay, now that that’s cleared up, can you just link me with the lavender unicorn over by the crowd?” I asked, peeking over the statue and pointing.
“Right… it’ll be a little extra, but nothing I can’t handle… hopefully.” She pressed her hands to her head, fins quivering and gemstone pulsing with a soft, golden glow. As she focused, her gem pulsed brighter.
I gave Cinder a smile of gratitude. “Egghead! Don’t react to this, just listen. I’m behind the statue with your friends and a new friend. I’ll introduce you to her properly later, but she’s the one that’s letting me think at you like this. I won’t interfere directly in the duel, but we’re here in case things go south. If you want to respond, just think the words.”
“Axel! I wondered where you had gone! I don’t think there will be a problem, as I have a plan, but thanks for being here anyway just in case. Also thank you to the new friend, I look forward to meeting you in person!” she replied.
At that point, Trixie spoke. “Let’s start with a simple age spell, shall we?”
“Let’s,” Purple Smart replied.
“Snips, Snails,” Trixie commanded. The zapping of magic was heard, followed by the crying of a pair of foals. “An oldie, but a goodie, ha. Now, let’s see what your little charm can do.”
“No problem. Um, Applejack, Rarity? Could you help me, please?” the Purple One asked.
Both of them replied with, “Huh?” and came closer to the statue.
“Those two will be coming around to this side of the statue shortly, could you just tell them your name and you’re a friend, and I’ll confirm it silently? Sorry for all the mental stress.” I thought at Cinder.
“No, no, it’s fine,” Cinder waved me off, concentrating even as her chest gem and eyes glowed and pulsed brighter and faster. “I need to work in more psychic practice anyway– haven’t had a lot of opportunity to do so.”
A zap of magic could be heard from the other side of the statue, and amidst a huge cloud of pink smoke, the two fillies could be seen to run around to the front of the statue, while their adult counterparts took their places behind. The White One gaped at Cinder in shock, but Treekicker shoved a hoof in her mouth before she could make any sound, glanced at me, then looked to Cinder expectantly.
Cinder waved, psychically reaching out to them with a little, “Shhhh~”
I threw an arm around Cinder’s shoulder and gave her a one-armed hug, while smiling and nodding at the new arrivals. “Sorry, I couldn’t think of any other easy way to indicate friendship when hand signs are right out.” The two ponies glanced at each other and nodded, the Orange One somewhat more enthusiastically.
Once the smoke had cleared more, Trixie could be heard to say, “Oh, ho-hum. So you can do an age spell, big deal.” Multiple further magic blasts could be heard, each followed by another burst of pink smoke and different pairs of ponies running back and forth around the statue. “That’s... That's impossible!” Trixie exclaimed.
“That’s nothing!” Dr. Purple retorted, and another zap of magic could be heard, further from the statue this time.
Several seconds later, a “Yow!” could be heard from the area of the crowd.
“How did you–” Trixie was interrupted by Sparklebutt.
“Duplication spell. Ever see one pony play ten instruments?” Another magical zap could be heard, followed by the sound of an entire band worth of instruments.
“This... just can’t be!” Trixie sounded aghast.
“Ooh, one more. I can turn a mare into a stallion.” With another zap and puff of smoke, Big Mac switched places with AJ.
“Eeyup.” Another zap and cloud and they swapped back again.
“Well, Trixie, looks like my amulet is more powerful than yours– why are you laughing?” she interrupted herself in confusion.
“Did you really think this simple sleight of hoof could fool the Great and Powerful Trixie? She uses more complicated illusions in her stage shows!” Suddenly the statue the ponies and Displaced were hiding behind was enveloped in a red magical glow and shoved aside.
I looked at Trixie in shock then turned to Cinder. “Oh crud, this wasn’t supposed to happen.”
Trixie grinned an evil grin. “With the amount of psychic energy that was being used over here, Trixie couldn’t help but notice you!” Her horn flared with a red glow as she snatched up all the ponies from behind the statue, levitating them in the air above her head.
“Oh shit. That’s not good,” Cinder understated, silently calling up a shadow ball from behind her back.
“Can you distract her? I might be able to get the amulet off if I can sneak up behind her.” I thought to Cinder. “Try to minimize collateral damage, if you can.”
“I’ll…. try…” Cinder took aim with her shadow ball, lining it up with Trixie’s head and launching it with deadly efficiency, six more trailing in its shadow. “Though… no promises.”
Trixie’s eyes got wide, she tossed the floating ponies randomly to the sides, and her horn flared brightly as she erected a shield to block the one shadow ball she could see. When it hit, she grunted in pain, and her horn flared even brighter.
As soon as I saw that Trixie was distracted, I ran around to get behind her, pulling out my crystal axe in the process. After the last ball hit her shield, I swung my axe with a primal scream, aiming for the clasp on the Alicorn Amulet. A tink! of crystal impacting metal could be heard, followed by a short scraping sound, and I followed through with the swing, lopping Trixie’s head off. Looking down at the now-headless body, I grabbed the Alicorn Amulet easily off of her neck stump and tossed it to the zebra in the crowd with a yell of, “Stripes! Catch!” She picked up a nearby wooden box and caught the amulet in it, snapping it closed afterwards.
Twi glared at me. “Didn’t I tell you not to kill her?”
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Ba dum tish.
I think it would be funny if Trixie was still alive after all that. Maybe she could become a friend to Axe Cop and be like the "amazing screw-on head" comic
Gotta give it to you, that was just inspired. Amazingly axe-ish, amazingly cop-ish, and also really really funny. I don't think I've seen anyone use that approach to that encounter before, but "I am taking your toys away until you show me you've learned not to brag about them" is both amusingly appropriate (given that he's dealing with kids) and at the same time just weirdly feels like he's somehow cheating - you're supposed to be having crazy shenanigans to solve your petty interpersonal conflicts, not use basic parenting techniques, you silly cop person! You're in a cartoon! That's not how it works!
6041845
Eh, he's not actually Axe Cop, and he doesn't want to have to kill ponies without a damn good reason.
6042059
Neither does Axe Cop, of course, because that is something Bad Guys would do. Obviously. I just meant that the sudden invasion by common sense - in a story taking place in this show's setting - is just extra funny, because it really only makes it even more obvious how insane most of the things done by the canon cast really already are.
You see this? This is what I was talking about.
6042259
Well, Axe Cop with Lemon is from the comic. I just kind of expounded on it, while having a character point out the ridiculousness of it while he was doing it.