I am an aspiring author and bookstore owner living in NSW Australia.
Pumpkin Cake and Pound Cake are a Pegasus and a Unicorn born to Earth Pony parents. Twilight Sparkle and Rarity think the little Unicorn needs a new name in the Old Tongue. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy think the new Pegasus foal needs a sky name. Mister Cake takes exception to their meddling until Pinkie Pie reveals details of her heritage.
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Hmm. A very good story, with an interesting concept. I like the fact that you have implied here, that the tribes are still slightly separated, with their rituals and religions. Great job!
5928092 Frankly, that's supported by canon. Each tribe still seems to have its own settlements. Canterlot is primarily a unicorn city — you'll see that most of the background ponies in Canterlot scenes are unicorns. Similarly, Manehattan and the Crystal Empire are mostly earth ponies. Cloudsdale is obviously entirely pegasus ponies.
My headcanon is that the events shown in the Hearth's Warning Eve show resulted in peace between the tribes, but they still stayed mostly separate. Once Celestia and Luna assumed the throne, with them being part unicorn, part pegasus, and part earth, all three tribes were comfortable to unite into a single nation, but at this stage separate cities and separate cultures already existed. These have eroded somewhat over time, but the divisions are still present.
If, say, an earth pony like Octavia lived and worked in Canterlot, she'd largely be tolerated and respected, but would still be seen as a bit of an outsider. Her romantic relationship with Vinyl Scratch, a unicorn, might lead to raised eyebrows. Ponyville is an unusually integrated settlement, where "mixed relationships" are more accepted.
NNNgggnnh. A decent concept... but not very good execution. Aside from the gramatical errors, there's a lot of flow problems, scenes transition abruptly, and I'm left feeling that there wasn't enough detail in the implication to really get the goings on.
Good concept but .... sry it feels ... wrong I don't know how to put it but it feels forced and stuff
Maybe it would be better to grant each tribe a own chapter or something like that. .. I can't really point out what it is that bugsmye sorry
Before I read this I thought it was going to be about some of the mane six trying to convince the Cakes that they should give their children names more in line with the kinds of names their respective races generally have like how pegasi tend to have weather related names (Rainbow Dash, Clear Skies, or Thunderlane for example) & how unicorns tend to have light related names (like Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle, Starlight Glimmer, Sunset Shimmer, & Twinkleshine)(Stellar themes in unicorn names might also be notable).
Though thinking about it, that concept might be too thin.
The concept actually used could have wordked but the way the story is written comes off as just a bit too stilted. Especially when it came to Fluttershy's dialogue.
5928469 Could you point out some of the errors so I can correct them?
The thing about Equestria is it is another world. We are only getting a slice of Pony Life. They share a history we do not, so we are always going to miss things when we observe them.
I plan on exploring the Cult of Celestia in other stories.
5930121 She was stilted in parts, but I thought she was cute when she called Rainbow Dash a tease.
5931064
I'll get on it. But as an overview:
should be
Most of the rest of the problems are just... stilted dialogue and flow.
5931484 I prefer.
"Dialogue is important, but not always in the form of logical sentences because people tend to ramble." Somepony said, but if you want to send me any glaring errors via PM I would appreciate it.
5931538
It's not just the dialogue, although that is a lot of it. It's the flow of the story itself.
I like how Unicorns are the equivalent of Jews--this comports nicely with my own head canon.
5931721
And Earth Ponies seem to be the equivalent of Native Americans (or American Indians, whichever name is proper)
5931721
Jewish custom and history was most of the inspiration for this story. Glad you noticed.
...What was the plot?
First of all, very nice story. Very nice. Much better grammar and spelling than a lot of people on this sight, and the story's got a 3/1 like to dislike ratio (as of 6-8-2015). Great.
It feels... forced. There's no real issue, there's no problem, no arc, no nothing. It's boring to read. "Here are my babies' names" "You should change that" "Okay"
You see that? Nothing. What you COULD do is have something where Mr. Cake is super stubborn and he has to be shown around Cloudsdale/Unicorniopolis (or whatever) and shown the rich tradition of everything, and shown how important it is that his children are given different names.
There was too much introduction. Cult of Celestia, Thyala and Dathiel, Pinkie origins, Tribal Records and such... I understand what you're trying to do, but you're messing with a pre-established world. No. That can almost never be pulled off. Don't mess with what we know.
That's my tidbit. I hope I helped!
6068934 I hear what you are saying, but 'The Cult of Celestia' is something I have wanted to explore in the show. Rarity demonstrates a religious leaning in the show. It is evindenced by her saying 'As Celestia as my witness', 'Sweet Celestia', and 'Simply divine.'
Mister Cake respects Unicorn and Pegasi culture. He believed having his children be a part of that culture would diminish them as Earth Ponies. Pinkie Pie showed him it was possible to participate in other cultures without losing your heritage.
If you want a story with more action and conflict, you can try The Mare in the Mirror, or Origions of the Cutie Mark. Those are adventures I wrote.
Sometimes life is just people or ponies talking, so that's what some stories are as well.
Thanks for the feedback.
You know Spike never actually saw the Cake Twins.
6190322 Really?
6194550 Since there born not once Spike never got the chance to see/play with the Cake Twins.
Okay, this is awesome. The ideas presented in this story are awesome. And they've given me some ideas about my story. Thanks so much!
Can someone please add this to
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/209499/tribal-traditions Folder multiple
6705769 Thanks.