- Member Since 25th Nov, 2014
- offline last seen February 29th
AngryPenguin
"In criticism I will be bold, and sternly absolutely just with friend and foe. From this purpose, nothing will turn me." -Edgar Allan Poe
Stats
Page generated in 0.228 seconds
Total duration
1,149 users online
1,758,053 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
At first I have to say: I like this story.
Done with that, let's get into detail (starting with the bad things, because good things at the end will make you feel better)
- the main point is the overly angsty protagonist. While this is - in some way - explained in the story it's still a) strange that a pony like this became an officer without ever being in danger or a combat-like situation at all. She asks herself why she can't be a scientist in chapter 2, so why did she take the route of becoming a military-pony in the first place? Nopony's happy with that kind of arrangement: the Enclave gets a panicing, non or bad acting officer who will cause more harm than good and Sienna is scared to death every day.
- you should space out your prologue. You do it in your chapters already, so do it there too.
- you could've introduce Sienna's friends a bit more before the thing that happens happens, but that's comeing from the guy who wrote four chapters aka roughly 30k words to introduce the main character's friends before the thing that happens happens. So feel free to ignore this point.
- My main (and only real) issue: the cheesy afterlife scene. That bugged me. Really. The chapter would've been better without it. Unless you plan to lift the story up into a more metaphysical plain, then it's okay.
So, proceeding to the things I liked:
- Sienna - for all her angstyness - is a character I like. She's relatable, isn't a social outsider like so many FoE protagonists - especially those who live in a stable - and above all is an (enclave) pegasus. I thought I was the only one who has a protagonist who doesn't get screwed by the Enclave because they're pricks like that. Continue with that attitude. Although the prologue hints at the Enclave being mean because the Enclave has to be mean, but I hope for the opposite.
- the prologue: despite the lacking spacing - which you're hopefully going to fix soon - the prologue is quite good. In the sense that it is actually a prologue and no fist chapter titled "Prologue" because starting with a first chapter seems like a bad idea. So kudos for that.
- The whole two chapters were pleasant to read. I can't really say why, but all that's important is that they were pleasant to read. All the way through.
I can happily leave a like and a favorite here and hope to see this continued soon.
Tetragramatron
I was rushing to get the story published and didnt think about the spacing! I will be fixing this when I upload the next chapter.
Thank you so much for your feedback! The prologue was a mistake.
I liked to think that Sienna decided to become an officer because she thought it would mean she just sat behind a desk the entire time. (In reality, my sister has told me that higher ranks do this. She was in the Navy.)
I didnt want to get into too much detail with her friends because i didn't want to make them main characters in the story.
As for the afterlife scene, i agree that it is cheesy. As i was rereading it, i decided i am going to change it. I'll have to go back to my rough draft and change a few things.
I appreciate the positive feedback, too! Sienna is actually based on most of my own personality.
I hope i explained things a little better! I'm surprised i actually got positive points
This is my first fanfiction, after all!
Thanks for the favorite and like!
-AP
What can I say... pretty much everything is like it was in the last chapter:
- a bit much panicing - but that's in-character for Sienna - and quite fitting the situation
- nice and fitting mix of dialogue and description - although you could highlight the character's actual thoughts with italics, but that's just a personal preference.
- overall it was nice to read - again.
I would give you a double thumbs-up because this chapter is basically the same as the "welcome to the wasteland, I fixed you, now get out" chapter 5 of my story - meaning it's the exact thing I'd want to read in a story.
- but sadly that isn't possible.
I will stay vigilant to see how the story continues.
Another thing: I would definitely write out your chapters' names.
Make it "Chapter 1: Head in the Clouds" and "Chapter 3: A New Perspective" not "Ch. 1: Head in the Clouds" and "Ch. 3: A New Perspective"
One simply does not abbreviate titles.
And you can give the commentator a message that you answered to his or her comment by clicking on the "Reply"-button in the up-right corner of the comment box. I don't know if you already know that, you just didn't do it with your last reply.
5965910
Right! i knew that!
okay, i lied. lol
Thanks for the watch! Also, i will spell out the chapters! I was going to get around to it, since i spelled it out in my rough draft.
I'm very happy you enjoy it!
5968859
You're definitely right about the schedule thing
I do want to rewrite some of my chapters though. i'm not sure about the first chapter. I think im happy with how that one turned out
Thanks for your feedback and thanks for reading!
here is a mustache for your troubles
Up to this point, I really like it. I'll keep an eye on it.
5990246
I tried to make Nico look like a good guy
Also, i don't want the story to be as long as PH. I stopped reading after so many chapters. It was good, but i felt it was just being dragged on for nothing. Once i finish, i'll try to rewrite it.
Thanks again for reading!
I'm not really sure about the Princess Luna thing. Even if you didn't intend to do it, the whole things seems like an "insert best pony here because (s)he is awesome and has to be in the story" kind of thing. All in all it seems pretty forced.
And I have to say that for a mare with anxiety issues she starts to trust everyone pretty quickly. That seems a bit out of character for her. But I guess you can blame the hormones, which I'm not a great fan of, but that's just a personal preference in character-writing.
5998446
You'll see what's going on in the future
As for Sienna being out of character, like you, i blame the hormones.
6008791
I'm glad you enjoy it!
6094431
Thanks! I had to read it over and over and over but i'm happy with it
6105981
I don't really do that a lot! lol
I hope i did a good enough job writing it.
Also, I got Enclave thing covered in my future chapters!
6125390
I like to think the Enclave has birth control methods, why she doesnt really worry about all that. ALSO, one of her anti-anxiety methods is not thinking about things too much.
6159273
Lol Thanks! I'm trying not to be so rushed! lol
6216092
Hmm.. You have a very good point there! Thanks for the ideas! Gonna have fun writing some scenes with Redd, now!
*evil laugh*
Thanks again! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
I'm really enjoying this story. I can't wait for the next chapter!
6362801
Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoy it!
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)
6577255
Oh, wow! Thanks! My day has been made!
Can't believe my story is somewhere other than FIMFiction!
6577443 feel free to join the facebook group! :D
6679336
Really? I thought Sienna was pretty crazy
yeah a new chapterI honestly, I thought you forgotten about Sienna.
7214218
Of course I haven't!! I could never let her or you guys down!
7232099
I hope I managed to be a little better about details/rushing things! I'm trying to improve!
hey we all know life can grant you great things or take away everything, so I for one have no problem waiting for your great work
.
7771407
I really appreciate your patience!
7794207 you are welcome.
Well thats a cliffhanger...I love it! Though now the wait for the next great chapter begins. Oh well all great things take time, dont they?
Keep up the great work, and hopefully we might get a new chapter soon
Also loved the Nico X Sienna, yes I know im a sucker for these two
8303617
Thanks!! I have actually started working on it again (yay me!) I've been very busy with a lot of things, but not to worry, I have not given up on the story!
Also, yes, Nico and Sienna are quite adorable. It's more like a "*sigh* I guess I'll save her, again." Type of relationship!
Anyway, Thanks again for reading!
8304039
Cant wait! Take your time, theres no need to rush. If we waited this long im sure a little longer wouldnt hurt.
~JB
MUST HAVE REGULAR EMOGES😐😐
Why did you do this i hate out of body experiences lol
8460841
Yup!! I actually want to finish this fic in this life!
8507023
I'm sorry! 😢 Well, hopefully it won't be a typical OOH experience! Would that make you feel better?
Also pony emoji. 🦄
Just be good and i won't have a problem
Still one of my favourite fics till this day. Keep it up you've done just fine thus far.
So, when's the next chapter coming?
8655616
That sure does mean a lot to me! The support I get from you guys keeps me going!
8697866
Not to worry, citizen! I will be working on the new chapter in a few days! The post-holiday stress is coming to an end, so I'll have time to write.
Ahem* Not to be rude or anything... but any idea when the next chapter may be?
8818865
Sorry for the late reply!
I have started a new class with a friend and have been catching up on those! I am hoping to get the new chapter out within the next few weeks. Thank you for reading!
Its rare to see the prologue told from the main characters viewpoint, even the prologue to the original was told by Kkat so far I remember, and I can see why with how this is written. The prologue should either focus on showing the characters background, think about the intros on series that tell about the characters that we are gonna see, or focus about teaching us the setting since there will be so much new stuff happening, think about game intros that show what the heck we are going into, them setting a mood more than showing us personality traits and such of the main characters. Mixing them up like this is no good, we do not get a full picture of either setting or character, and the high focus on certain details (what the Enclave is) and not telling more about megaspells or the war is really odd, and I would say that the comment about politics and higher class ponies being the end of Equestria outright wrong, but then again is it long time since that I read the original. I remember it as them all wanting a better life, opening Pandoras box in search of something better, and releasing all of the horors that technology can bring a world of magic. Giving a finitive tool to a people that are used to infinitvie magical energy and full control over the nature, and finer tools to manipulate the world around them with... The road to hell is paved with good intentions as they say
Nipick:
"those who deliberately disobey the strict laws of the pegasi are branded with the ministry mare’s cutie mark and considered a Dashite." were or would be
Great... I had more or less written my comment for this chapter to the end, then misclicked and closed the window, so sorry that I can't bring all of the constructive criticism and nitpicking to the table as I had planned to bring.
One of the major problems in this chapters is that you tell and dosn't show the characters feelings. We should be able to tell when the main character is scared, not from a " I pleaded." in the end of a string of dialogue, but from her body language. Give her some tic that she can show when she is scared, make her gnaw on the elbow of her wing, let her tail whip from side to side as a wheeping willow in a tornado, something, anything really, instead of telling us out right how the characters feel. Show don't tell as you have properly heard a million times.
Your chapter have a lot of problems where you have hit enter early and jumped a line, which isn't that big a problem, but for people like me that pre-read a lot is it a major eyesoar, so I would suggest to just skim trough your chapters after you have published them, making sure that fimfiction haven't fucked any of the coding up.
Now I won't continiue on this story, as you said in your earlier chapter is this your first story, and all of the novice mistakes are showing in it. This in itself is not a bad thing, but with limited reading time, the amount of critique that I originally had written up, and with 200+ chapters lined up waiting for me to read them are there not room in my world for a novice story when I can choose so many others. I hope that you see that as motivation to get better, to look up some tips on writing, how to make your words flow better, instead of giving up on this story. The plot is there as said, your words are just not there yet.
8980970
Thank you for your comment! My first few chapters (okay, maybe most of them) just scream novice, I definitely agree. Even I go back and see my chapters change greatly. I think I mentioned before in one of the author's notes that I planned to rewrite the story once it is finished. It needs a rewrite, that's for sure. I am proud of the story idea, though, so that won't change in the rewrite.
Again, thank you for your comment! I will definitely take into consideration your suggestions! Like I always say, constructive criticism is very much appreciated!
-AP
P.S: I am sorry you won't be reading anymore. However, I hope after the rewrite you will change your mind!
Should have called it "Raider Hater".
8987287
I really should have thought of that. Noice!
This took a odd turn