• Member Since 26th Apr, 2015
  • offline last seen Nov 4th, 2015


I'm a really big fan of the fallout equestria fan fictions so decided i should give one a try. do be helpful with comments I'm always open to criticism :)

Comments ( 6 )

First of all: what is your protagonist? On the one hand you say she's a unicorn

Tessia Starbow a white unicorn with a mulberry mane

and then there is this line

I slightly unfold my wings, I look at then with a sad expression

There are even contradictions within the same paragraph:

“Well if I’m going to start anywhere, it’s the capital, It’s at times like this I wish I could fly” I begin to think as I kick some stones of the side of the cliff face. “I wonder what the note Hotshot gave me says” I think, levitating the note out of my saddlebag.

Contradictions like this - especially when they are elemental like this - are poison for your story. State in your story - clearly and correctly - what type of pony she is. That makes it much easier to get a feeling for her.
And if she has to be an alicorn - for some reason - just say it.

Secondly, we don't need information like this:

100 years later...
Name : Tessia Starbow
Location : Stable 21
Time : 08:59
Years After the Apocalypse : 102 years 4 months

It's pretty set what time it is from the fact that there is a pony in a stable, but the worse thing is that setting a scene like this makes you as an author look bad. Even if it isn't necessarily the case, this makes it look as if you can't introduce a scene within your story but need to give stage-settings.

I haven't read "Treasure Hunting" and whether you asked the author if you are allowed to write a sequel doesn't really faze me, but with the lack of world-building in this story - which undoubtedly comes from you building your story on another one (which is totally alright in and off itself) - the whole premiss seems a bit much... cliched.
Not that it makes the story worse, just less interesting. Because from what I can say from reading the first chapter - and the pretty disconnected prologue - this is a pretty standard FoE story: stable unicorn with low magic powers - bullied by some ponies - almost no friends (because popular people can't be protagonists) - water chip broken for no apparent reason other than because plot - pony gets out of the stable with no qualification but being bored etc.
It's just nothing special and has been done like this a hundred times before.

On the plus-side, formatting is alright, although you sometimes forget to set special characters like full-stops. Your paragraph-size is also alright, not too big (except for that one time) and not too small, although there is nothing like a too small paragraph.

I can't give this story like it is now an upvote. I don't downvote it either. You as an author just have to spice things up a bit - make your story interesting and outstanding in some way, even if it's just the quality of your wording. I'm sorry that I can't say so many positve things, but it's the harsh reality.

I'm glad you like it :twilightsmile:, its also nice to see that static has a fan, but there is a character coming that has her own way with words. :raritywink:

Also thank-you for the feedback you gave, I really appreciate it. :pinkiehappy:


Once again thanks for the comment she is very cute, make you want to gallop up to her and give Silent Silver a big hug.

Credit for Silent Silver and Steath Strike does go to my friend so do send him some good feedback as well, you will get a reply one way or another.... :pinkiehappy:


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