I'm a really big fan of the fallout equestria fan fictions so decided i should give one a try. do be helpful with comments I'm always open to criticism :)
Loss. What is a loss? Is it losing something close? Or is it feeling like something inside you gave way? How do you cope with such a thing? No one knows for sure.
This story is a continued sequel of MLP season 4 and Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon. Spyro and Cynder have ben sent to Equestria to stop Malefor from taking over and cause chaos. They learned the secrets of friendship and must now rely on it to stop him.
First of all: what is your protagonist? On the one hand you say she's a unicorn
Tessia Starbow a white unicorn with a mulberry mane
and then there is this line
I slightly unfold my wings, I look at then with a sad expression
There are even contradictions within the same paragraph:
“Well if I’m going to start anywhere, it’s the capital, It’s at times like this I wish I could fly” I begin to think as I kick some stones of the side of the cliff face. “I wonder what the note Hotshot gave me says” I think, levitating the noteout of my saddlebag.
Contradictions like this - especially when they are elemental like this - are poison for your story. State in your story - clearly and correctly - what type of pony she is. That makes it much easier to get a feeling for her. And if she has to be an alicorn - for some reason - just say it.
Secondly, we don't need information like this:
100 years later... Name : Tessia Starbow Location : Stable 21 Time : 08:59 Years After the Apocalypse : 102 years 4 months
It's pretty set what time it is from the fact that there is a pony in a stable, but the worse thing is that setting a scene like this makes you as an author look bad. Even if it isn't necessarily the case, this makes it look as if you can't introduce a scene within your story but need to give stage-settings.
I haven't read "Treasure Hunting" and whether you asked the author if you are allowed to write a sequel doesn't really faze me, but with the lack of world-building in this story - which undoubtedly comes from you building your story on another one (which is totally alright in and off itself) - the whole premiss seems a bit much... cliched. Not that it makes the story worse, just less interesting. Because from what I can say from reading the first chapter - and the pretty disconnected prologue - this is a pretty standard FoE story: stable unicorn with low magic powers - bullied by some ponies - almost no friends (because popular people can't be protagonists) - water chip broken for no apparent reason other than because plot - pony gets out of the stable with no qualification but being bored etc. It's just nothing special and has been done like this a hundred times before.
On the plus-side, formatting is alright, although you sometimes forget to set special characters like full-stops. Your paragraph-size is also alright, not too big (except for that one time) and not too small, although there is nothing like a too small paragraph.
I can't give this story like it is now an upvote. I don't downvote it either. You as an author just have to spice things up a bit - make your story interesting and outstanding in some way, even if it's just the quality of your wording. I'm sorry that I can't say so many positve things, but it's the harsh reality.
First of all: what is your protagonist? On the one hand you say she's a unicorn
and then there is this line
There are even contradictions within the same paragraph:
Contradictions like this - especially when they are elemental like this - are poison for your story. State in your story - clearly and correctly - what type of pony she is. That makes it much easier to get a feeling for her.
And if she has to be an alicorn - for some reason - just say it.
Secondly, we don't need information like this:
It's pretty set what time it is from the fact that there is a pony in a stable, but the worse thing is that setting a scene like this makes you as an author look bad. Even if it isn't necessarily the case, this makes it look as if you can't introduce a scene within your story but need to give stage-settings.
I haven't read "Treasure Hunting" and whether you asked the author if you are allowed to write a sequel doesn't really faze me, but with the lack of world-building in this story - which undoubtedly comes from you building your story on another one (which is totally alright in and off itself) - the whole premiss seems a bit much... cliched.
Not that it makes the story worse, just less interesting. Because from what I can say from reading the first chapter - and the pretty disconnected prologue - this is a pretty standard FoE story: stable unicorn with low magic powers - bullied by some ponies - almost no friends (because popular people can't be protagonists) - water chip broken for no apparent reason other than because plot - pony gets out of the stable with no qualification but being bored etc.
It's just nothing special and has been done like this a hundred times before.
On the plus-side, formatting is alright, although you sometimes forget to set special characters like full-stops. Your paragraph-size is also alright, not too big (except for that one time) and not too small, although there is nothing like a too small paragraph.
I can't give this story like it is now an upvote. I don't downvote it either. You as an author just have to spice things up a bit - make your story interesting and outstanding in some way, even if it's just the quality of your wording. I'm sorry that I can't say so many positve things, but it's the harsh reality.
6061453
I'm glad you like it , its also nice to see that static has a fan, but there is a character coming that has her own way with words.
Also thank-you for the feedback you gave, I really appreciate it.
6094571
Once again thanks for the comment she is very cute, make you want to gallop up to her and give Silent Silver a big hug.
Credit for Silent Silver and Steath Strike does go to my friend so do send him some good feedback as well, you will get a reply one way or another....
http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Silent%20Silver