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Funeral

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Pinkie pie learns of dreadful news... Her parents died in a fire, caused by a strike of lightning; Now pinkie pie must get through without having a mental breakdown.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 3 )

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Silver Harp

Silver Harp #1 · May 16th, 2012 · · ·

Watch me, Silver Harp for more epic stories!

I shall make longer ones in the future.

Distrance

Distrance #2 · May 16th, 2012 · · ·

Well.... this all ALL that bad. Though just scratching the 1k word limit you could of done so much more to make this have more of an impact to the reader.

Let's start with my qualms:

1) CAPITALIZE NAMES. I mean this is pretty basic literary knowledge, it kept poking at my brain that you didn't.

2) "We are here to see the funeral of Mr. Pie and Mrs. Pie and their beloved son and daughter."

Was Mrs. Pie pregnant with twins or did they have another family we didn't know about?

3) create a separate space for everytime someone else begins to speak.
Ex: “Hi Pinkie pie, How are you?” she said

“I’m good! Jus’ Making some cupcakes!” she leaped for joy, grabbing another tin and getting more flour, sugar ‘n’ spice, and more vanilla and other ingredients to make cupcakes with.

So just work on these things, as well as some other grammatical punctuations and such, expand a bit on your stories (I.E be more descriptive and engaging) and you should be on the right track!

owtwem