Chapter 5: Too Nice
Chapter 5: Too Nice
Rarity’s eyes fluttered open, and she stood up from her propped up position against a tree with a start. “Oh, heavens, I’ve just had the most awful dream,” she said while taking in her surroundings. She noted all three crusaders were there, along with Applejack and they were simply staring at her.
“You had a bad dream sis?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“Why, yes, Sweetie Belle, in fact you were there along with your friends and Applejack,” Rarity answered. “But there was this ghastly creature that stood on two hooves with you and its ensemble was in tatters; oh, it was just the worst possible thing.”
“Well, don’t we got ah story fer yah,” Applejack said. “Honey, yah weren’t dreamin',” she affirmed, while pointing a hoof in the direction towards where Chris was currently sitting with a calculating expression plastered on his face.
Rarity’s eyes widened in fear as she observed the being no more than ten feet away from her.
.
Seeing that Rarity had finally woken up Chris gave her a curt nod in acknowledgement. “Sorry I scared you half to death,” Chris said but kept his distance and stayed seated. He figured that Rarity would be less intimidated by him if he stayed at a height that was closer to eye level with her.
“You can talk!?” Rarity shouted, on the verge of fainting once more.
“Oh, calm down and stop actin' like ah drama queen,” Applejack said. “So the critter's weird, no need to get yer mane in ah knot over it.”
“Hmph,” Rarity snorted. “I’m perfectly calm; I was just caught by surprise is all.”
“No, you totally freaked out,” Scootaloo countered. “I mean, I was scared at first too, but I didn’t pass out over it.”
“Yeah, that’s gosh darn embarrassin',” Apple Bloom added with a chuckle.
“Hey, don’t tease her,” Sweetie Belle defended. “Even if it was kinda funny,” she said with a giggle of her own.
Rarity gave Sweetie Belle a stern stare that silenced her giggling before turning back to Chris. “So…um good…sir the girls here informed me you requested an audience with me,” Rarity inquired quit nervously.
Chris nodded. “If it’s not too much trouble, I could use your help.”
“But of course, how may I be of assistance, pray tell?” Rarity asked with a bit more confidence.
“I heard you can perform magic, I was hoping you’d be able to send me back to where I came from,” Chris said.
Rarity could only stare at Chris in confusion before letting out a nervous laugh. “I’m ever so sorry dear, but magic was never quite my talent,” Rarity replied. “Well, not to say that I’m not proficient with magic by any means, but what you’re requesting is not my forte. I don’t possess the know how to transport you ten yards, let alone…wherever it is you come from,” Rarity concluded.
Chris face had become crestfallen at the news while the others could only look at him with pity.
“Ah told ya Rarity wouldn’t be much ah any help,” Applejack broke in.
“Well, forgive me for not studying how to transport foreign beings back to their homeland,” Rarity barked back. “I’m a clothing designer, not a magic scholar. Besides, couldn’t you simply use your brawn to cart him back to wherever it is he needs to go?” Rarity said with a glare for good measure.
“This feller says he’s from ah different world,” Applejack says while shoving her face dangerously close to Rarity’s. “Yah expecting me to hook up ah wagon and cart him all the way there?”
Rarity began to retort but stopped at the realization with what Applejack had said. “A different world you say?” Rarity repeated while turning her attention back to Chris who for the most part was simply watching the two bicker.
“So, that would explain his strange choice of attire,” Rarity assessed. “Darling, please allow me to make you something far more fetching.”
Applejack could only shake her head at the fashionista. “Poor Chris is stuck here in Equestria and all yah can think about is what kinda ah clothes he’s got on his back.”
“Well, what?” Rarity replied innocently.”I haven’t the slightest idea of how to return him home, but that doesn’t mean I can’t help him look absolutely fabulous while he’s here.”
Seeing that Applejack was ready to berate the unicorn once more Chris faked a cough to get their attention.
“Yes, is something wrong darling?” Rarity questioned.
‘Yeah, I’m stuck in a world with talking ponies,’ is what Chris would have liked to have said, but reframed from doing so. “Look, are there any more ponies that could maybe help with my situation?”
Rarity thought for a moment before answering. “Twilight is absolutely splendid in the art of magic, but what you’re asking for may be impossible, even for her,” Rarity said in a professional manner. “I may not have been the studios type, but I do know planetary transportation is an impossible feat for a pony to perform.”
“But what about Princess Celestia being able to seal Nightmare Moon into the moon?” Sweetie Belle chimed in.
“In retrospect the moon isn’t that far off,” Rarity said. “Besides, Princess Celestia required the Elements of Harmony to do so,” Rarity concluded as she gave a thoughtful look to Chris. “Say, why don’t you simply return in the same manner you arrived?”
Chris sighed at the suggestion. “Truth be told, the way I arrived here is still unclear, and whether I’m on a new planet or in another dimension I can’t say for sure either. Long story short, I don’t think I’m taking the same bus back.”
“Beg pardon, what’s a bus?” Rarity inquired with a confused expression on her face.
“Nothing, just forget I even mentioned it,” Chris answered with a sigh. “Anyway, it sounds like I don’t have any options but to wait for this Twilight.”
“It's unfortunate darling, but I’m afraid there’s a chance you could be waiting for Twilight for quite some time,” Rarity explained. “The dear arrived at my boutique before the sun had even risen. She was going on about an urgent summoning from the Princess, so she may very well be busy for a while still,” Rarity concluded.
“Yah know, I’m ah starting to wonder about this urgent meeting with the Princess an' all,” Applejack said. “Ah mean, especially with somethin like you showin up all of ah sudden. Who knows, maybe more like yah have been popping up around here?” Applejack concluded.
Chris’s eyes had widened at Applejacks assessment. “Holy shit, Keon!?” Chris suddenly shouted causing the five ponies to jump in surprise.
Meanwhile
Keon took the clothes that were being floated over to him courtesy of Luna with enthusiasm. He had spent a full day by now in nothing more than a hospital gown and the draft had been grating on his nerves.
“You seem pleased to have those back,” Luna observed with a thoughtful expression. “Is it merely personal preference to constantly be clothed or do all humans practice such behavior?”
“It’s a social norm that’s been a part of human culture for centuries,” Keon said while sliding on his boxers, not giving too much thought at being stared at by ponies of royalty as he did so. “There are cultures that are less modest about it, but it's mostly humans that still live in tribes and what not. Otherwise public nudity is generally frowned upon.”
“Interesting,” Celestia added in. “What could have sparked such beliefs into your species to consider nudity an act of indecency?”
“Could be because our genitals are in plain sight unlike most animals,” Keon said with a shrug. “I’m pretty sure you noticed I didn’t have a sheath to hide my custard thrower in, unlike the stallion guards around here,” Keon finished wittily.
“Oh my,” Celestia said with a slight blush, while Luna had to suppress a chuckle.
“But if you’re looking for a more reasonable answer, it probably has more do to with the tendency humans have to populate areas they aren’t naturally from,” Keon reasoned. “Clothing helps humans stay in all sorts of different climates and environments and provide protection for our relatively fragile bodies.”
“I see,” Celestia replied with a nod of understanding.
“To be honest, I’m more surprised to see you aren’t wearing clothes,” Keon continued. “I’d assume any being that reached a certain level of intellect would naturally want to start covering up their privates. I mean, not to sound forward or anything, but doesn’t it bother you that anyone could sneak a peak at your royal snatch?”
Both Princesses had a look of bewilderment etched on their faces.
“For what reason would anypony want to stare at that area?” Luna questioned.
“Huh?” Keon replied dumbly. “Because that’s what perverts do. Not to mention you two are Princesses, so I can only assume you’re attractive to other ponies,” Keon concluded while zipping up his olive colored hoodie half way. “But you are ponies after all, I suppose males here are only sexually stimulated when you’re in heat,” Keon thought out loud, but not missing the bemused expressions on either Princess’s face. “But perhaps we could save such vulgar chat for once we’ve gotten to know each other a little better.”
“Yes,” Celestia agreed. “It’s not that I’m uncomfortable with speaking about such matters, I just believe that starting with smaller things will be best.”
Keon simply shrugged. “I already said you call the shots.”
“Excellent then,” Celestia says while walking towards the door followed by Luna. “Mr. Keon please accompany Luna and me to your new living quarters.”
Keon casually stuffed his hands in his pockets and followed after his two escorts.
For the most part they walked in silence, while Keon quietly observed the surrounding décor. The ceiling was incredibly high and the walls were made of what he guessed to be granite or marble. Either way, whoever built the place spared no expense even on the minutest of things. Such as the carpet they were currently treading on, considering it gave off a distinctive velvet feel underneath Keon’s feet. And he could tell that the drapes that hung from nearby windows were probably made of fine silk.
Keon also took note of the golden statues that adorned the hallway they were making their way through.
“Quite a lavish place yah got here,” Keon suddenly said with a whistle to add emphasize.
Happy to make conversation and spread some light on where exactly he was, Celestia responded. “Yes, I suppose lavish would be an appropriate assessment. I’ve always considered this castle to be a little too much, but I have little say considering this castle was here even before Luna and my reign began.”
“You make it sound old or something,” Keon said. “I mean neither of you look a day over twenty, but then again twenty for a pony is pretty damn old. So, I guess maybe ten, wait never mind I don’t know how long ponies live for here,” he added matter-of-factly.
“I’m flattered, seems time has been kind to me after all,” Celestia spoke with an amused smile. “But we are over one hundred times that of twenty.”
“Huh?” was all Keon could manage, apart from a stupefied expression.
“Well, technically speaking I’m only one thousand and twenty five years old.” Luna interjected. “In my one thousand year imprisonment in the moon I had no physical form that could age. I was merely a presence there.”
“Wait, what? How can you live that long? Are you immortal, and what’s this about the moon again?” Keon asked in an attempt to make sense of what either Princess had said.
“No, we aren’t immortal per se, but Alicorns do have longevity,” Celestia explained. “An Alicorn’s life span is determined by how great one’s magical reservoir is. As for the moon…well,” Celestia spoke with a slight glance in Luna’s direction. “That’s a story for another time.”
“It’s not as if everypony doesn’t already know the tale of Nightmare Moon,” Luna said with a shrug. “You don’t have to tip hoof around it for my sake.”
“It’s fine if it’s a touchy subject, I doubt I really need to know,” Keon said. “But there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask the two of you.”
“And what is that?” Luna inquired.
“Where the hell is everyone?” Keon asked bluntly. “We’ve been walking these halls for over ten minutes, I thought a castle would have had plenty of guards and staff running around.”
“The corridors we’ve chosen have all been cleared for this very reason,” Celestia answered. “It’s still too early to let just anypony see you, after all. Although I have arranged for a very special guest to join us today.”
“Special huh, is it some kind scientist or something?” Keon asked. “Someone to help you figure out just what in the hell I am?”
“Uh, no, Mr. Keon, I’d like to keep you as comfortable as possible,” Celestia said. “A bunch of ponies in lab coats would probably be unsettling for you. I have in fact sent for my most faithful student, she’s a brilliant mind and I’m positive she would love to learn all about you and your world.”
“So, she’s the brainy type?” Keon pressed. “But still, I don’t get it, why send for her?”
“To be fair, you’ve only had the chance to converse with Luna and myself,” Celestia answered. “I’d like to give you the opportunity to congregate with a pony that better represents the general populace of ponykind.”
“Makes sense,” Keon agreed with a shrug as they stopped in front of two large polished wooden doors.
“This is where you’ll be staying,” Luna said as her horn glowed and the two large wooden doors flung open and they stepped inside.
“Whoa,” Keon muttered, as he took in the room. “This is like some five star hotel or something,” he commented. The floor itself was made completely of marble, while the dressers and writing desk where made of fine, polished, red wood. There was also a large circular bed in the middle of the room, with half a dozen plush pillows situated atop it. The comforter was thick and looked extremely comfortable. He also took note of an impressive chandelier right above the bed.
“So, it’s to your liking then?” Luna questioned hopefully.
“I can’t complain. I’ve never stayed in a place this fancy,” Keon admitted.
“You’ll also find a bathroom beyond that door,” Celestia added gesturing to a large oak door towards the corner. “It has a shower, bathtub and is fully stocked with an assortment of soaps and all the basic amenities.”
Keon let out a long winded sigh at the two Princesses. “I just don’t understand you two.”
“Have we done something that confuses you?” Luna asked. “If you’d rather stay somewhere else I’m sure we could accom…”
Keon choose that moment to cut Luna off. “That’s just it, why are you being so accommodating to me?” he questioned with genuine confusion. “All of this,” he gestured to the room around them. “It’s so much. I just don’t get it, how can you be so…nice?”
Celestia smiled. “It’s in our nature,” she said. “If you would prefer a more text book explanation, I suppose it’s because you’re effectively an ambassador of your entire world now.”
Keon frowned. “I guess I hadn’t thought about it that much,” he admitted. “But I’m not really the diplomat type, if my swearing around you is any indication.”
“I assure you it’s quite alright, as far a we know, the way you speak is simply part of human nature,” Luna said. “Besides, it’s not as if there’s any other candidates for your position.”
“Got me there,” Keon says as he walked around the room a bit, before taking note of his backpack. “You know, it’s a shame that out of all seven billion or so people that could have ended up here, it had to be me.” Keon started to monologue. “I mean, seriously, you could have ended up with someone who could have offered you a lot more than I could. Maybe an electrical engineer, astrophysicist, historian, hell, even an auto worker would have been more useful,” Keon concluded, as he landed on the bed with a thump.
“Everypony has what they’re good at,” Celestia tried “Do not fault yourself for not being any of those things you named"
“Kind of hard not to when you find yourself on an alien planet with not much to offer in return for their horsepitality,” Keon supplied with a chuckle at his pitiable pun.
Celestia quirked her brow.
“Sorry, I noticed you two have been using pony puns, like saying everypony and anypony, not to mention the name of this land is Equestria,” Keon explained.
Both Princesses shared a look of confusion among each other that Keon didn't miss.
“Oops, I guess that wouldn’t really be a pun here, go figure,” Keon reasoned with a simple shrug. “But anyway, when is my new pony friend due to arrive?”
“Oh my, I had almost forgotten,” Celestia admitted, as she turned her attention towards the window. “I expect she should be well within the city by now, I shall go and meet her,” Celestia says while turning her attention to Luna. “Luna, will you be staying?”
Luna nodded. “I think I’ll stay and entertain our guest.”
Celestia simply smiled as she made her way towards the door. “I shall return shortly.”
After Celestia had gone Keon turned his attention to Luna, who had now taken a sitting position on her haunches a yard or so from him.
“Can I get you anything, tea perhaps?” Luna suddenly offered.
“Uh, no, I’m good.” Keon waved the offer away as he stared at the lunar princess curiously. “Can I ask you something?”
Luna perked up. “But of course, I’m sure you have plenty of questions.”
Keon swallowed the lump in his throat. “Well, not to sound rude or anything, but don’t you two have, you know, royal duties and what not? Should you really be cooped up in here with me?”
“Does my presence bother you?” Luna asked with a raised eyebrow.
“No-no, it’s nothing like that,” Keon hurriedly stammered.
Luna merely chuckled. “It’s okay. I fully understand. As for your answer, I myself hold all my courts during the night hours. During the daytime I have few obligations.”
“Well, that actually makes me feel worse,” Keon said with a bashful grin. “I’m cutting in on your beauty sleep, or at least sucking up all your free time.”
“I assure you, it's fine Mr. Keon.” Luna said, “I have more than enough power to stave off fatigue, if I so chose. Besides, my free time has been quite dull since my return from banishment, unfortunately.”
“So, you did something nasty huh?” Keon questioned.
“Would you like to hear the story?” Luna offered casually.
“Not like I have anything better to do,” Keon said.
Meanwhile
Celestia smiled as her student came trotting up towards her with an excited expression displayed across her face.
“Princess, it’s so good to see you,” Twilight greeted as Celestia gave her a nuzzle.
“As I you, my faithful student,” Celestia said before turning her attention towards Twilight’s two guest. “Greetings Pinkie Pie, Spike, I’m grateful you could join us today.”
“I wouldn’t miss this party for all the cupcakes in the world!” Pinkie responded only getting a confused smile from Celestia in return.
“Sorry, Pinkie somehow came to the conclusion you are throwing a party for Twilight,” Spike explained. “Best not to think too much on it,” he added.
“I see,” Celestia replied, clearly amused at the idea. “Shall I show you the reason I’ve brought you here then?” Celestia offered.
All three nodded in unison.
Elsewhere
“Wow, that’s pretty nuts,” Keon mused as he let the story Luna had recited to him sink in. “I could certainly sympathize with you, but some creatures just aren’t programmed to function during the night, surely you realized that. Which makes me question how much of your plan you really thought out, even in this twisted persona as Nightmare Moon. I mean, without the sun all your plants and crops would die, leaving the world a pretty cold and barren place. It wouldn’t be long after that before everything else would begin to die, including your subjects that you wanted to appreciate your nights.”
“My rage clouded my judgment,” was Luna’s only reply.
“I’m not going to judge you on your past sins,” Keon stated simply. “It’s not like I’m some upstanding citizen. I’ve been smoking weed since sophomore year in high school, and drinking since I was seventeen. Both of those things are illegal where I come from, but me and my friends couldn’t have given two shits.”
“I really don’t understand the concept of smoking weeds,” Luna said.
"I think you maybe under the impression that I'm talking about actual weeds." Keon says as he made his way over towards his back pack and picking it up. "Remember that sack of grass you said you found when you were looking through my shit?" Keon asked getting a simple nod from Luna in response.
Unzipping his back pack he rummaged though it until his hand emerged with a rolled up zip lock bag."Luna Meet Mr. four twenty." Keon said as he chuckled like an idiot. The mere thought of explaining weed to a pony was just too humorous for him. Taking back his seat on the bed in front of Luna he began to explain.
"What you're looking at right here is what we call marijuana, it's the name for the cannabis plant once you've prepped it for its intended use." Keon explained to Luna who seemed to be quite intrigued.
"What are it's intended uses?" She asked curiously while scrutinizing the bag under her gaze.
"Well it has some medical purposes, but a lot of people use it as a recreational drug." Keon said. "Basically it's an experience enhancer for some, others use it to relax and just chill."
"It doesn't sound so bad." Luna said. "We use some plants as calming agents as well as pain reducers. "Why is this a forbidden substance on your world."
"It's not forbidden everywhere" Keon explained. "All countries have their own rules regarding it. It just so happens using it where I'm from isn't legal. I guess with it having mind altering proprieties don't sit too well with the guys who make the rules." Keon finished with his brief run down.
"I understand" Luna says “But I still find myself confused as to why you aren't allowed to drink? Surely your species need liquids to survive.”
Keon scratched his chin hairs thoughtfully. “Sorry I was being vague when I said that, for drinking I mean alcohol, you can’t legally drink those types of beverages until you're twenty one."
“I see,” Luna said. “Ponies in this day and age generally shy away from alcohol, but the griffins commonly indulge in drinking. Minotaurs absolutely love the stuff.”
Keon’s eyes were wide at the statement. “Are you saying you have griffins and minotaurs here?”
“Yes,” Luna answered. “Are you implying you have them as well? Your response suggest you know what I’m referring too.”
Keon took a moment to find his voice before speaking. “Well, no, we don’t have them, but we have the idea of them. They're just myths, ancient legends with no real backing. You read about them in books and see them in the occasional movie or video game.”
“That’s curious; I can’t say we have anything like you in our legends,” Luna replied. “Well, at least in ponykind legends. I suppose the griffins, zebras, or minotaurs may have the idea of humans buried in their ancient lore.”
“Wow, this is really starting to get heavy,” Keon said, as he tried to process the vast amount of information swarming through his mind. “So, ponies, griffins, minotaurs, and I guess zebras are all sentient beings here?”
Luna nodded. “Yes, along with Cows, Donkeys, Mules, Goats, Buffalo, Antelope, Deer, Dragons, Sea Serpents, Changlings, Diamond Dogs, and the occasional hippogriff.”
“That’s a pretty random assortment,” Keon mused thoughtfully. “But why only an occasional hippogriff, and did you just say dragon?”
Luna sighed. “Their numbers have always been bleakly low, due to the fact of how they were first conceived.”
“I’m guessing a griffin and pony decided to consummate their marriage,” Keon joked.
“That’s actually correct,” Luna confirmed.
‘Wait, she’s for real?’ Keon thought to himself. ‘It should be biologically impossible for something like that to even work. But then again, none of this shit makes any sense.’
“Griffins and ponies haven’t always been on the friendliest of terms with one another,” Luna continued her explanation. “Even so, some relationships between griffins and ponies have worked out, resulting in the few hippogriffs that inhabit this world.”
“Is that frowned upon here, I mean interspecies relationships?” Keon asked curiously.
Luna took a moment to think on her answer. “I would say the short and long of it is this, there are those that have an open mind and there are those that are not so accepting.”
“I get that, sort of at least,” Keon said. “Humans are the only sentient beings on my world, but we still have different races. Some people aren’t too fond of interracial couples, or homosexual couples either. But there’s enough open minded people, or people who simply don’t care, that it happens pretty often.”
“Your world sounds like an interesting place,” Luna stated.
“You don’t know the half of it,” Keon responded as a tapping on his door caught his and Luna’s attention, and the door opened.
“I have returned,” Celestia spoke as she strolled in with three ponies following behind her.
Before Keon could properly get a view of who Celestia had brought in with her, he found himself literally nose to nose with a bright pink pony with an obnoxiously puffy, dark pink mane.
Her large blue eyes stared into Keon’s brown ones for a moment, before she shouted, “Hiiiiiii!!!!!!”
Hey guys a little news to report here. I’ll probably only be able to update this story once a month since I have another story I’m working on, on the side. Don’t worry though because I won’t be posting that story until this one is finished. So the bulk of my attention is still here. I’d say this story will probably only be around twelve chapters so we’re moving along quit nicely. Also I would like to suggest you read a pretty good story I came across recently. It’s a HiE and since you’re reading my story I expect you like these sort of stories. Anyway it’s called What Came Before and Beyond by Squid-Hoof. Great story and you won’t regret reading it, or maybe you will I don’t know. Well until my next chapter I bid you adieu.
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So far the humans have done pretty well for themselves. We'll see how long that lasts.
I have a feeling the minotaurs are going to have a field day with the discovery of these long lost ancestors.
805097 *Pinkie leaps into Alondro's comment* Yeah! I hate it when they make me break the 4th wall all the time! *she goes Pinkamena-serious* It is a great and dangerous power... one not to be used lightly... *puffs up again instantly* Only when it's REALLY funny!
927481 With the hippogriffs, makes ya wonder how the first minotaur came to be.
927575
It was a combination of a human and a bull. Equestria does have talking cows.
927585 I know how it would happen, its just... the mental imagery...... - shudders -
927597
Greeks were weird...and looking through the internet proves that humans have only gotten stranger.
Nice work. Looking forward to reading more.
Likin' this so far :D Please good sir, do continue :3
Then the minotaur ambassador shows up, "A human! Well what do you know! According to legend, we used to eat those things!"
Then the dragon ambrassador shows up, "A human! Well what do you know! According to legend, we used to eat those things!"
Then the griffin ambassador shows up, "A human! Well what do you know! According to legend, we used to eat those things!"
Then the 3 look at each other, then back at Keon with the most terrifyingly hungry expressions imaginable. The griffin ambassador adds, "Dibs on the liver..."
Keon, "OMGWTFHELPMEI'MGONNADIE!!!"
Then they're all like, "Ha ha! Trolololo!" And it turns out it was Celestia's idea all along!
Need a good spell and grammar check on the material, but the story has been engaging so far. Hope to see more in the future.
royal snatch..........did he just......I bet guards want to beat him for that they could have lost their view
I wonder why always the black one ends in a dungeon and the white one lost in the woods...
And I want to saw somepony high! I wonder wich one would be the best one...
928809 Haha I didn't think of it that way when I was writing it. I just wanted Keon to end up in Canterlot first since he's the more rude and vulgar of the two. And yeah I originally had plans to get Luna or Pinkie high but I don't know if I should go through with it.
928762 Luckly for him the guards weren't around when he said that.
928139 His meeting with the other nation representatives will be interesting, but not that crazy.
927935 Thanks I'll do my best.
927865 I expect most people including myself get it wrong because you see someone else use it and assume that they've used it in the right context. So it's monkey see monkey do, but everyone's doing it wrong. I've replaced thy with mine, I guess that's the right way to say my in archaic. If not whatever.
927575 That's going to be touched on, but I guess you already know the answer hehe.
I'd love to give you some sort of amazing/fantastic/great/splendid comment on how much I like your story, but it's currently 3:35am at the moment, and I'm not even sure about my grammar at the moment
-Glassed
I hope you don't mind a small suggestion. Try and avoid the trap of 8000 different ways of saying said. I understand that repeating a word over and over seems terrible and almost always is. This is the exception. Readers learn early on to simply ignore the word said, so when you replace it constantly it can pull them out of the story. Eventually they will start ignoring all verbs describing the speaking. That's bad because when you actually want them to be paying attention, they won't be.
The strain of coming up with new verbs will inevitable result in using ones that add nothing. For example: "“This isn’t some random colored bird or weird looking bunny.” Luna summarized." What exactly does summarizing sound like? It's best to use alternate verbs only when they add something. For example: whispered.
Allow me to edit a small exchange from your story as an example of tightening up the dialog. I won't quote the original, but it's in chapter 2 and starts with "“No, I don’t think you quit understand[.]" Here goes:
“No, I don’t think you quite understand the gravity of the situation.” Celestia’s eyes widened in surprise at the force behind Luna’s words. “This isn’t some randomly colored bird or weird looking bunny. It could very well be an alien or transdimensional being for all we know!”
Celestia stared blankly for a moment before finally finding her voice. “Where is it?”
I do not claim to be an great writer mind you. So make up your own mind if you like the original or edited down version better. I just hope it helps. One last thing: Watch out for the then/than distinction. I noticed a couple thens where they shouldn't be.
934736 Well saying the word said constantly has always sounded too repetitive to me. In some cases it can come off as annoying, kind of like having to read the word you a million times in a second person story. Even so I suppose I may have over done it with using alternative words for it. Thanks I take all criticism into consideration, I'll see what I can do.
I like this story, I really do, but...
Well, I don't want to sound like a douche bag, but I think you could use an editor.
Then/than, punctuation here and there, odd capitalization, misspelled words, typos and words that sound like the words you want, but that mean something else. In short, it need a bit of work.
I do really like the story and if you'd allow me to I'd be willing to do the work.
If this sounds like something you'd be interested in, or if you want to call me a douche bag for suggesting it, send me a PM.
I am really enjoying this story so far.
I noticed a few mistakes in your list of sentient life forms that inhabit Equestria. You forgot to mention sea serpents, diamond dogs, and the one known draconequus.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png
927575 Unless there had been some contact between the two worlds/dimensions/versions of Earth (very likely in this universe/story due to the ancient ruins) I would suggest that it was a diamond dog and a bull.
...And if Keon or Chris were to marry ponies, and at least one of said human-pony couples decided to consummate their marriage, Princess Luna would probably have to add "centaur" (or possibly even "alicentaur" if the pony just happens to be a pegasus or an alicorn) to the list.
While I'm here, I figure that I might-as-well point out that the "There" in
, should be "Their". ("There" has to do with location, while "Their" pertains to possession.)
Again, really good story.
938278 Yeah I had realized I left out the Diamond dogs earlier today but haven't gotten around to adding them yet. I'll throw them on there with sea serpents. As for draconequs, well Discord seems like he's one of a kind. I really doubt there are anymore like him running around.
938662 Glad I could help. As to Discord, probably, but I figured I'd mention him anyway.
I must say I really enjoyed this story. MOAR!!! This has true potential to be really GREAT - just keep up the good work :).
936010 I can understand your concern, but I agree with Priest4hire here. I came by to (finally) post something in the same vein. I'm useing a... slightly different aproach, however.
I don't know if you're a native-speaker. (of English. Gah, awkward. But with that out of the way, it works.) I am. And that bit there is, to be overly blunt an a bit of a jerk, painful.
Why?
Mostly, because of 'recited'.
Recited's not the right word here. It's a good word for things said from memory, such as poems or prepared speachs. Zecorra might to recite things. (Incidentaly, she might also chant.) Rarity's just talking. Said would be a better word choice here. If you're alergic to said or something, groaned would probably work too -- that sounds like wakeing up with a headache after being knocked out.
As long as I'm makeing a jerk of myself, I'm going to point out that in a sentence like this, the spoken part should end in a comma and a lowercase word, like so:
Not all are going to be like that obviously, as far as I can tell it depends on if the next verb is a speaking verb.
I'm not sure how I can politely wrap this up. I like your story. (I'm of the school of thought that you shouldn't have to label your transitions. At least a couple, you could have replaced the label with a row of stars across the page or something. ...aand I'm acting like a jerky snob again. Sorry.) But this is *just* minorly jarring... repeatedly. Do you want/need a proofreader?
I like Keon already.
SMOKE WEED ERRYDAY.
There is a long list of people who I would choose for the first formal inter-species contact. Pinkie Pie is actually at the very bottom, beating even Trixie, the politician of your choice and Doctor Doom.
929334 do it get luna high
927606
Three cheers for strangeness!
So maybe it's PINKIE that will use the weed?
.....oh no, party enhancers....
And Pinkie made him shit his pants.
\
The end
1170441
Doctor Doom would be pretty high up in my ranks, but maybe that's just my insanity talking.
1846165
Well, then, go read Blazewing's "Living in Equestria." It's a fantastic story.
of course....alter-me is right again....WHY ON EARTH DOES HE HAVE KNOWEDGE OF THE IMMEDITE FUTURE?! I mean....COME ON! He's an alternate personality that's just plain crazy....oh...SHIT! I KNOW WHY PINKIE HAS PINKIE-SENSE! *refer to previous out loud thought*
Alter-me: IMA FIRIN MY LYZRO!
img.myconfinedspace.com/wp-content/uploads/tdomf/174374/I%20see%20what%20you%20did%20there-700x560.jpg
Lol if you click on the word "Past Sins" you will get it =3
Really not sentiant Kirin?
Also great story so far, it's in my favorites right now.
FINALLY!!!
After reading nearly 100 stories on this site I FINALLY found somebody who is 100% canon about Celestia's and Luna's past!!!
No overpowered goddess alicorn crap, Luna got imprisioned INTO the moon and not ONTO, and the fact that they are pretty much normal compared to other ponies and not omniscient or omnipotent aka invulnerable...
Thank you!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for this story
Come to Germany, here you're allowed to drink beer at 16 and everything else once you turn 18
It sucks to not be able to drink until you're 21, I thought Canada was strict with the rules but now that I look at that...
God Keon is a dipshit.
Entertaining dipshit.
But still...
"I'm pretty sure you noticed I didn't have a sheath to hide my custard thrower in..."
"...Doesn't it bother you that anyone can sneak a peak at your royal snatch?"
I can't stop laughing!
Excuse my good pony, but i think we may have a slight problem. it appearse to me that your lewd question has made me laugh so hard that i may have collapsed a lung.
Extraterrestrial is actually the wrong term for this situation as it implies a being not of TERRAN origins or not from Earth, unless this planrt happens to be called Earth and shares ancient latin with us resulting in Terra(the ancient latin/official term for Earth)
If somone could get back to me on this that'd be great
4218518 so alien is the wrong term as well? Or does it not matter if it is of terran origin?
Is a hippogriff a hybrid between Griffins and Ponies?
If so, how would they look like?
"It doesn't sound so bad." Luna said. "We use some plants as calming agents as well as pain reducers. "Why is this a forbidden substance on your world."
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That period doh.
Oh, and this.
“I assure you it’s quite alright, as far a we know, the way you speak is simply part of human nature,” Luna said. “Besides, it’s not as if there’s any other candidates for your position.”
As far a we know.
4254321 Have you never read or watched Harry Potter? Apparently not. Hippogriffs look like griffons, but with a horse rear body instead of lion.
Leave.... Just Leave.
5379168 here here
From the words of a famous Achievement Hunter, I must say this. "JUST BLAZE!!"
4254321 Silver quill is a hippogriff