Chapter 19: Human Genome
Human Genome
Griffin Empire: Volare
General Emerald Talon used a claw to expertly slice through the seal on the letter he’d just received directly from Celestia. His green eyes scanned over the parchment briefly before a grin split his beak.
“I swear by the old gods and the new, ponies never fail to prove their naïveté,” Emerald Talon stated with a chuckle.“Here I was suspecting that an old fossil like Celestia would be wise enough to hoard such valuable assets for herself. Yet, she’s relinquishing not one but both humans to me. Such fools, the lot of them. How they’ve managed to keep such influence among the nations with hearts as soft as theirs baffles me at times.”
“Is having good faith in your allies the same as being naïve, sir?”
Emerald Talon swiveled his head towards his assistant. A hen with pink plumage, mulberry colored fur and wearing a pair of thick bifocals.
“No, Rosary, it's not, just so long as you keep a healthy dose of mistrust to balance it out. However, our pony neighbors are all too happy to put blind trust in anyone and everyone that calls them friends, apparently an alien species is no exception to that foolishness of theirs either.”
Rosary raised a brow. “You believe that these humans are not to be trusted?”
“How can I trust them when they are already hiding or withholding information, such as their means of arrival or reason for coming here?” Emerald Talon countered.
Rosary flipped opened the notebook she’d been cradling in one of her forearms and skimmed over a section.
“But, according to Captain Starly’s reports, these humans are here entirely on accident, a misfortune involving an…EON.” She trailed off.
Emerald Talon snorted. “A fabricated tale, conjured by the ponies no doubt. Everyone knows EONs are nothing more than a myth to keep foolish cubs that wish for an early death out of the Valley of the Changing Seasons. These creatures are indeed up to something, every thinking creature has a motive or a desired outcome for any and every action that they take,” Emerald Talon explained. “My intuition tells me that these humans are no different.”
“By that logic, not only would the humans have their own agenda but wouldn’t Princess Celestia and Princess Luna have their own reasons as well for sending the humans here as you’ve requested of them?”
Emerald Talon clasped his black talons together. “Of course they do. If the information my sister Starly has been sending to my desk holds water, these humans will prove invaluable in bringing forth an industrial revolution and furthering our understanding of the world, but only if we can exploit them for everything they’re worth, that is. Surely both Princesses have realized the same.”
“Ponies have never much been advocates of change,” Rosary argued. “Perhaps they simply wish to be free of the burden of caring for these aliens and seek to give the responsibility to another nation?”
“In a perfect world, yes, but we don’t live in such a world,” Emerald Talon said as he stood from his chair and marched over towards a large window, his long coat dragging along the ground behind him. “Ponies have a deep seeded need for control, anything out of their control frightens them,” Emerald Talon explained.
“These aliens are no exception. I know as much, considering that Celestia has requested that six of her own be allowed to accompany these humans for the duration of their stay here, which means that she has no intentions of simply passing them off to me as she would lose control of the situation.”
Stopping at the window, he peered out over the city he had command over, his keen eyes tracking griffins as they went about their daily business down below. “Yes, I can feel it in my bones, those ponies have plans of their own for the humans, but until I can divulge what that is we’ll play their little game.”
Turning back towards Rosary, he snapped his talons together. “Rosary, begin making arrangements for our guest, they’ll require guards, servants, room and board, and spare no expense, we want them to like us after all.”
“Of course, sir.” Rosary bowed her head. “Any particular guards you had in mind?”
Emerald Talon placed a claw to his beak in thought. “Yes, get that niece of mine. She's always complaining about how dull her assignments are, maybe this will help her unruffle her feathers.”
Later that day
A griffin of golden brown fur and white plumage, sprinkled with a few stray light purple feathers, closed her locker after having thrown her duffle bag inside of it with more than enough force.
“Hey, Gilda!” A gray furred, white plumaged, and black winged griffin shouted in an upbeat tone as she shut her own locker and beamed at her irate looking companion. “Did you look at our assignment for next week!?”
“Ivory, do you have to shout everything you say?” Gilda asked with a heavy groan. “And no, I haven’t. You know I always wait for the briefing, but I’d guess its guard duty for another Equestrian envoy. Ancestors, it never changes.”
“I know, right! Lame, lame, lame, lame, lame!” Ivory singsonged.
“I think we all can agree that cubsitting Equestrian diplomats isn’t the most exciting of guard details,” a mellow voice said directly into Gilda’s ear, “but this time it’s different.”
Gilda turned her head only to come practically beak to beak with a griffin of ash black plumage and dark gray fur.
“You’re way too close, Ebony,” Gilda grumbled as she used her taloned hand to grasp the griffin’s face before shoving her out of her personal space. “And what do you mean by 'it's different'?”
Ebony smirked. “You’ve heard the news about the ape aliens, right?”
“How could I not,” Gilda commented. “Ever since we’ve learned the reason my aunt Starly was sent to Equestria, those lanky, furless chimps are all anyone’s been talking about in the barracks. It’s enough to make me want to pluck my feathers out.”
“Well, check this out!” Ivory exclaimed, jumping back into the conversation. “We’ve just got word from the pony princess; seems the humans have accepted General Emerald Talon’s invitation and are coming here for a visit, and we’ve been chosen for guard duty! I guess our superiors are finally recognizing our talents if they’re assigning us to guard the aliens!” Ivory bounced giddily as she spoke.
“Get real, Ivory,” Ebony argued. “They chose us for the same reason we’re assigned as guards for every pony envoy that shows up here. It’s because our Equestrian doesn’t lick rooster feathers, and word in the skies is these humans speak it natively.”
“So, Equestrian is their native tongue, huh?” Gilda commented as she leaned against her locker. “They already sound too ponyish to be cool, what a buzz kill.”
“They’re not all so bad!” Ivory reasoned. “Ponies I mean, we did have the chance to meet your old friend at the aerial relay tryouts for the Equestria Games, and she seemed cool enough!”
“Rainbow Dash?” Gilda grumbled. “I should have known she’d enter that, bet she’s still trying to wag her tail for those Wonderbolts,” she added, her expression sour.
“I know it’s not my business, but maybe you should bury the hatchet with your old friend,” Ebony suggested. “Otherwise things are going to get real awkward real quick.”
“You’re right, it’s not your business,” Gilda snapped snidely. “Besides, she’s all the way over in Equestria and I’m here, what can get awkward?”
“You really should go and read the assignment before the briefing,” Ebony stated with a shake of her head. “Your old friend is a part of the humans’ entourage along with the rest of Equestria’s elements of harmony.”
Gilda’s eyes widened, “You mean those six are coming along with the humans to Volare, and we’re their guards!?” Gilda’s head banged against her locker. “That means I have to deal with that pink menace again.”
“Pink menace?” Ivory repeated. “Who’s a pink menace?”
“An insufferable pony named Pinkie Pie,” Gilda said as she balled one of her claws and punched the other, making a loud clap reverberate throughout the room. “But this does present an opportunity.”
Ebony sat on her haunches and folded her arms over her chest. “An opportunity for what?”
“To get even,” Gilda replied with a grin.
Ponyville
“No, no, no,” Keon argued with his tour guides, the crusaders, Diamond Tiara, and Silver Spoon, as they filed out of the taxi, or rather, more accurately, the pony-drawn carriage that they’d taken from the train station to the middle of town.
“For the last time, it’s a tattoo, not a cutie mark; my talent isn’t being Jesus,” Keon said, his annoyance beginning to mount, in part because of how many ponies had stopped what they were doing to ogle the confirmed alien in their midst.
“Ah don’t know,” Apple Bloom said skeptically as she stared at the crucifix on Keon’s shoulder. “Ya say it won’t come off, right?”
“It’s obviously not a cutie mark,” Diamond Tiara added in. “I mean, what kind of talent would hanging from a stick be anyway?”
“He’s actually nailed to it,” Keon deadpanned.
The five fillies’ mouths dropped as they stared at the tattoo with newly discovered horror, even Nightmane had raised a brow in surprise.
“Th-that human is nailed to that stick, like through his body?” Silver Spoon asked morbidly. “That’s horrible.”
“Kid, you don’t even know the half of it,” Keon said as he slid his sleeve back down over the tattoo.
“Well, if it’s not a cutie mark, and you don’t have magic in your world, then how’d you get that mark to stay on you like that?” Sweetie Belle asked as she tilted her head in thought.
“That’s the nature of a tattoo, and I paid someone to give me it,” Keon answered.
“Cool,” Scootaloo said while wearing a large grin. “You can just buy a cutie mark in your world? That would make life so much easier.”
“Yeah, then all the talentless losers could have a cutie mark,” Diamond Tiara teased.
Scootaloo grit her teeth while Apple Bloom put a hoof on her shoulder.
“Don’t get suckered in,” she advised Scootaloo before she turned back to Keon. “So, how does it work anyhow, the tattooin' Ah mean.”
Keon placed his index finger under his chin as he thought about it. “It’s a pretty simple process, I guess. Some dude takes this little electrically powered machine that moves a needle up and down really, really fast. It pricks the skin somewhere between fifty to a couple thousand times a minute, each time leaving a tiny little drop of ink under the skin. A few of hours of that and presto, you’ve got a nice, permanent picture on your body.”
Once again the girls found their jaws hanging by their hinges.
“Whoa, Chris didn’t tell us how totally gnarly your world is,” Scootaloo said, her expression seeming rather impressed.
Nightmane stared at the spot Keon’s tattoo was located for a moment before finally allowing her curiosity to break her silence.
“Why would you mutilate yourself in such a way?” she asked just as dryly as usual.
“Because it looks awesome,” was Keon’s answer.
“Humans must be as tough as minotaurs,” Apple Bloom reasoned. “Ah mean, as much as Ah want a cutie mark, Ah’d never do somethin like getting stabbed with a needle thousands of times to get one.”
“Yeah, me neither. I cried just from poking myself with one of my sisters sewing needles, and that was only once,” Sweetie Belle added.
Keon sighed. “I told you, it’s not a cutie mark. Besides, why are you girls so bent on cutie marks anyway?”
“Because they’re blank flanks,” Silver Spoon pointed out.
“Blank flanks? Real clever,” Keon said as he looked down his nose at Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara. “So, does having one make you cool or something?”
“Duh,” Diamond Tiara said as she stuck her nose up high and proud. “It shows everypony just how special you are, or in some ponies cases, just how not special they are.”
‘As cute as this kid is, she’s got a stick so far up her ass it’s a wonder her hooves touch the ground.’
Keon then pointed to Diamond Tiara’s cutie mark. “So, your talent, the one that makes you so special, what is it exactly? While we’re at it, what’s does yours mean, too?” he added while looking at Silver Spoon.
Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo stared at one another as something dawned on them, they’d never once asked themselves what exactly Diamond Tiara’s and Silver Spoons’s special talents were.
“Well, isn’t it obvious?” Diamond Tiara replied as she stroked a hoof through her mane. “Being beautiful is mine.”
“What!” Apple Bloom broke in. “How in tarnation is that a talent?”
“Because I'm Canterlot's, Little Fillies' Beauty Pageant Sweet Heart three years running,” Diamond Tiara stated with a condescending grin. “The first year I competed my cutie mark appeared, and that means that my talent is being beautiful and just plain better than everypony else.”
“Makes sense…I guess,” Keon said as he shrugged indifferently on the matter. “And what about you, Miss Silver Spoon?”
“Being a part of the one percent,” Silver Spoon answered flatly.
“You’re really trying to tell me being rich is your talent?” Keon asked, finding the idea just absurd enough to believe. “I mean, how do you excel at being born rich?”
Silver Spoon snorted and held up her muzzle. “Of course being rich isn’t a talent, I thought you humans were supposed to be smart enough to get a joke. My talent is jewelry crafting.”
“Well, excuse me,” Keon said, finding Silver Spoon’s callousness towards him adorable in an odd way.
“A cutie mark doesn’t necessarily depict a pony’s talent, but often can be seen as their defining characteristic. In rare cases it’s something more vague or abstract,” Nightmane explained.
“That so?” Keon said as he mulled over what Nightmane had said, realizing that in Fluttershy’s case that made much more sense. “But where do names come into play?”
Nightmane’s stiff expression hadn’t changed as she asked, “Names?”
Keon laughed lightly.
“Oh, come on. Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, half the ponies I've met have names that coincided with their cutie marks,” he explained as he looked at Scootaloo. “Scootaloo, right?” She nodded in reply. “How good are you with a scooter?”
“I don’t know. Okay, I guess,” she answered, unsure of herself.
Keon looked at her skeptically. “Just okay?”
“Don’t be so modest,” Sweetie Belle said. “You’re the best pony on a scooter in all of Ponyville!”
Keon grinned at Nightmane. “See what I mean? Now, how long before a scooter pops up on her backside?”
“You don’t understand our culture; it’s not as simple as that.”
“Well, I’m trying to understand…”
“You’re not trying to understand,” Nightmane cut Keon off. “You’re trying to apply your form of reasoning, a reasoning that has no place here. Some things are simply better left unquestioned.”
“Yeah, like how Pinkie can tie balloons with just teeth and hooves,” Keon said as he shrugged and buried his hands into his pockets. “Or better yet, why do so many doors here have door knobs?” he finished just as his tour guides stopped in front of a modest-sized, brown building with a large saltshaker billboard posted above the western-styled saloon doors.
“What is this?” Keon asked bluntly, staring up at the salt shaker.
“This is a bar, right?” Scootaloo asked as she pointed to the name underneath the salt shaker. “Salty Spittoon, Salt Lick Bar.”
Apple Bloom licked her lips. “Applejack brought me here a few times. They’ve got the best salt licks in Ponyville.”
Diamond Tiara stared disapprovingly at the worn looking building “This place can’t hold a candle to Saltiest Alcove.”
“That fancy-shmancy place on the other side of town?” Apple Bloom asked with a roll of her eyes. “That place ain’t even worth its salt.”
‘Salt licks? Oh right, basic horse anatomy,’ Keon thought before shaking his head as Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara bickered with one another. “Scooter, I wasn’t serious about going to a bar, with a bunch of kids no less. Besides, this isn’t what I had in mind anyway.”
“Well, what did you have in mind?” Sweetie Belle asked curiously.
“Not important.”
“Well, since we’re here, we may as well go inside, right?” Sweetie Belle asked as she walked up towards the swinging doors, only for a burly, rust-red stallion to poke his head over the door frame and stare at her.
“You’ve gotta be kidding me, little filly. You ain’t comin' in here. Git, scram, skedaddle!”
Sweetie Belle's ears pressed against her head as she slowly backpedaled away from the door. “Uh…sorry…I didn’t mean to...”
Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. “Sweetie Belle, it’s just a game, you’ve gotta be tough to get in. Don’t let him scare ya off so easy.”
“It’s just a game?”
Apple Bloom nodded. “Yeah, watch.”
Apple Bloom marched up to the door and glared at the bouncer.
“Alright,” the bouncer started, “welcome to the Salty Spittoon, how tough are ya?”
Apple Bloom reared up on her hind legs and pressed her forelegs to the door. “How tough am Ah? How tough am Ah? Today Ah fell and scraped mah knee.”
“What’s your point, little filly?”
“And Ah didn’t put a band-aid on it.”
“Wow, that is tough. Right this way,” the bouncer said as he stepped aside to allow Apple Bloom inside.
Apple Bloom beamed at the others before entering. “See, easy-peasy.”
“My turn, my turn,” Scootaloo said as she scurried over to the door.
“Aright, how tough are ya?”
Scootaloo grinned cockily. “Just yesterday I borrowed a pencil from Miss Cheerilee.”
“Yeah, so?”
“And I didn’t return it.”
“A rebel, huh? Right this way, little lady.”
Keon had been snickering for a while before it ascended to full on laughter after witnessing Scootaloo’s success.
“Oh god, this can’t be happening,” he chortled, needing to hold his sides. “This is like a skit from a cartoon, I swear it,” he finished as he stepped up for his turn. “Alright, chief, let’s do this.”
The bouncer measured up Keon. “Well, well, well, it appears one of the humans themselves have decided to grace our little establishment. Alien or no, I won’t cut you any slack, so how tough are ya?”
“How tough am I? I once fiddled with my stick for three hours straight.”
“Yeah, so?”
Keon paused for dramatic effect. “And I never ejaculated.”
Nightmane couldn’t keep her stoic façade up any longer, a look of shock replacing it. Even the bouncer's rough lips cracked into a smile before he burst into laughter. “I think that may be the best one I’ve heard since I started doing this job!” He then turned his attention to inside the shop as he yelled, “Hey, Malt! Make sure these guys have their fill of salt licks, it’s on me!”
“I’m just here for the scenery, don’t think I’ll be dining on a salt brick,” Keon said as the bouncer held the door open for him and he walked inside, leaving Nightmane outside, if only for a moment considering that she entered merely seconds after he did.
“That was quick,” Keon stated to Nightmane. “What did you tell him?”
“To step aside,” she deadpanned. “He obliged.”
“Man, you’re as warm a block of ice. Would it kill you to play along? They’re just having some fun here,” Keon said as he walked towards the table Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were already seated at, Nightmane on his heels.
“It’s childish,” Nightmane said dismissively.
Keon sighed as he moved a hand towards Nightmane’s ears and scratched behind them, causing her to go rigid. “Loosen up.”
“D-don’t touch me like that again…ever,” she said, looking a tad disheveled and anxious.
“A little scratch behind the ears and you turn to putty, I think I know your problem,” Keon said as he grinned from ear to ear. “The sheath needs a sword.”
“Stay out of my personal business,” Nightmane warned, her voice as cold as steel, yet the pink tint beneath her fur did little to make Keon take her serious.
“Hey, he did the thing, the thing with the fingers and the scratching!” Sweetie Belle cried out as she trotted over towards Keon and Nightmane with a large grin, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon trailing casually behind her. “The same thing Chris did.”
Keon sat down in an empty chair around the round table Apple Bloom had seized for their party. “So, what did you girls tell the guy at the door to get in?”
“We told him: We weren’t going to play his nonsense game to get in,” Diamond Tiara answered. “He let us through after that.”
“Well, I didn’t refuse to play,” Sweetie Belle confirmed, now sporting a toothy grin.
“So, whadya say then?” Apple Bloom asked with interest.
“I told him I take my own cookies out of the oven.”
“Yeah, so what?” Scootaloo cut in.
“Without oven mitts,” Sweetie Belle said as she hopped into the empty chair between Keon and Apple Bloom. “So, can I have a turn? You humans are the best at that scratching stuff.”
“No can do, kiddo, I’m not trying to find my way into a pony prison for child molestation.”
“Moles…what?”
Nightmane stomped on Keon’s foot underneath the table.
“Ouch!” Keon yelped in pain as he clutched his aching toe.
“These fillies are too young to hear such things.”
Keon glared at Nightmane. “You know, I may not be an expert on the matter but isn’t it counterproductive to hurt the one you’re supposed to be protecting from harm?”
“You endured the pain of that tattooing ordeal,” Nightmane answered with a shrug. “I’m sure your walking appendage will be fine.”
‘Jeez, she’s still pissed about that joke from when we first met?’ Keon mused. “What do you know about human anatomy anyway?” Keon argued. “My foot could be the most delicate body part I have, and you just came down on it with an armored hoof. Not the friendliest way to treat an alien guest.”
“Making sure you behave yourself was the only order I was given,” Nightmane countered. “Protecting you from physical harm would derive from my own good graces, which you currently aren’t in.”
Keon covered his face with his hands and dragged them down in frustration. “I really don’t like you.”
“The feeling's mutual.”
“I think I’m starting to appreciate silent guards more,” Keon said before he turned his attention back to Sweetie Belle. “To make a long story short, my fingers aren’t going near underage ponies.”
“Aw,” Sweetie Belle whined, her ears flattening while her irises expanded and tears formed. “Please?”
Keon grimaced, finding the feat of cartoon proportions that Sweetie Belle had performed with her eyes not so much adorable as entirely freaky on something made of flesh and bone. “Please, don’t ever do that again.”
Sweetie Belle lowered herself down into her chair in defeat. “That always works on my sister.”
Meanwhile
“Guwhaaa!!!” Chris screamed as he was thrown from the backside of a particularly large and angry trout he had attempted to ride.
Pulling himself out of the stream, Chris walked a short distance before he fell on his back onto the grass like a ton of bricks. Panting heavily, he stared blankly at the sky above until his vision was overtaken by Twilight’s and Lyra’s concerned faces.
“You‘ve been at this for over an hour, perhaps it’s time to throw in the towel?” Twilight suggested. “No pony will think any less of you for acknowledging your limitations.”
Chris looked towards the grassy knoll overseeing the rainbow stream. Apparently the populace were under the impression that he was putting on a show, considering that no less than a hundred ponies were currently watching him fail miserably.
“With your hands, I thought this would be a cakewalk for you, what’s the deal?” Lyra asked as she sat on her haunches next to Chris.
Chris’s brow narrowed in frustration. “The amount of mucus those trout produce is incredible, they’re about as slippery as an eel. I can’t get a good grip on their dorsal fin, and they get really testy when you grab them by their wings, I’ve the bruises to prove it,” he said as he pulled himself to a sitting position, his back popping in protest.
“Well, one thing you’ve got in spades, boy, is persistence,” Night Light said as he watched another pony go bouncing across the surface of the rainbow water like a skipping stone. “I’ve never seen a pony with the endurance to go at this for more than forty minutes; you have that to be proud of.”
“Thanks, it’s nice to know I’m setting records for getting my ass kicked,” Chris jested as he pulled himself back to a standing position. “Alright, round ten.”
“Why is this so important to you?” Velvet asked as she walked alongside Chris while he made his way back towards the water.
“I never start something that I don’t intend to finish,” Chris answered. “I’m stubborn like that. Besides, I can’t let the human race look pathetic, right?”
Velvet smiled. “How about a tip from an old pro at this?”
Chris looked down at Velvet. “Yeah, I could have used one of those about an hour ago. So, who’s this old pro?”
“You’re looking at her,” Velvet answered, sticking out her chest proudly. “I’ve accomplished this a few times in my youth as a matter of fact.”
“Wait, you mean to tell me you’ve done this before, and you’re just now offering help?” Chris asked, finding himself wanting to scream in frustration.
Velvet shrugged. “In my experience, males of all species are pigheaded and prefer to figure things out on their own. Celestia forbid they ever accept help from a female.”
Chris nodded his head as he stopped at the edge of the stream and watched as trout lazily passed beneath the glassy surface of the rainbow hued water. “I guess that’s something all males have in common: Our pride. Personally, my ego isn’t big enough for me to deny help, though. I’m the type of person that actually reads instructions instead of trying to just blindly figure it out.”
“I rather like you,” Velvet said with a large motherly smile. “That’s why I’m going to tell you the trick to doing this.”
“There’s a trick behind it?”
“There’s a trick to everything,” Velvet remarked before she started to explain. “I’m sure after over an hour of this you’ve noticed that these fish are incredibly slippery?” Chris simply nodded. “Even your unique appendages won’t give you an overwhelming advantage over hooves.”
Chris rubbed his aching shoulder. “Yeah, I’ve come to that conclusion already, so what’s the secret?”
“Finding the dry spot,” Velvet answered.
“The dry spot?” Chris repeated.
“These fish can only secrete that slippery mucus from six of their seven striped sections,” Velvet explained. “That means one of the sections of their body is much easier to grasp. Which section is different for every fish, but it’s extremely rare for it to be yellow or green. Being at the direct center of the fish and where their dorsal fins are largest, those two colors are the most common section ponies attempt to hold on to and the most common reason for why ponies fail at this.”
Velvet pointed to the stream. “This time, feel for the dry spot before you’re sent flying off the fish and try not to hurt yourself.”
“I got it,” Chris said before diving head first back into the water, if it could even be considered water. Whatever the liquid was, it felt more akin to floating on air rather than water. He felt so incredibly buoyant in the substance. He wagered it would actually take quite a bit of effort to drown himself in it.
“Mother, did you just say to him that you’ve done this before?” Twilight asked as she joined her mother at the stream's edge to watch Chris try yet again. “Why would you lie like that?”
Velvet grinned. “Figured that would light a fire under his butt if he thought an old mare like me had done it before.”
“So, what you told him…”
“Is true,” Velvet answered Twilight before she could finish her question. “The dry spot is the key, of that much I’m certain.”
Meanwhile, Chris swam deeper still, finding it the speed that he could swim in the stream and the clarity of his vision surprising. Despite the water being hued in a rainbow colored tint, his sight was as clear as if he had been wearing goggles.
Setting himself in position, he chose his opponent, a beast of a trout that already looked pissed off. He clenched onto the trout’s tail fin as it tried to make a go past him. The fish seized up, if only for a moment, before it took off like a spring-loaded cannon, instantly going for the surface and launching its large body out of the water in an attempt to free itself from its unwanted rider.
Chris held on for all he was worth while the fish thrashed about. Somehow, through the chaos of it all, he could hear Lyra and Twilight cheering him on.
Shinnying up the fish’s tail, he frantically felt with his hands and arms for something to hold onto that wasn’t covered in a thick layer of slime. Eventually he felt it, the fish's blue scales were as dry and rough as sandpaper, a vast departure from the rest of the fish’s slimy body.
‘I’ve got it!’ Chris thought as he wrapped his legs around the fish’s tail to further help him grip the trout.
The ponies watching from the knoll were standing in attention, now that Chris had managed to stay on longer than anyone they’d seen all day.
“Honey, I think you were wrong about those appendages of his not giving him an overwhelming advantage over hooves,” Night Light stated. “Just one little tip and he’s making those other ponies look like the amateurs they are.”
“I suppose I underestimated his strength,” Velvet said with a thoughtful nod.
Chris's arms burned with fatigue, and he grimaced as the fish's rough scales rubbed against his own skin with every flail and thrash it performed to rid itself of the nuisance on its back.
Chris could see the rainbow fall swiftly approaching, and along with it, his final destination and goal.
The fish plunged deep in its preparation to achieve the speed it would need to climb the fall. The act having caught Chris off guard, he had inhaled a large amount of water.
“Hey, check him out, Twilight,” Lyra squealed joyously while bouncing on her hooves as the fish sprang from the depths of the stream, flaring its feathered wings and climbing the fall. “He’s making it up the falls!” she said, pointing a hoof enthusiastically towards the spectacle.
“The alien, he’s going to do it!” a pony shouted.
“Wow, look at him go!” another pony joined in.
“I don’t bucking believe it!”
The crowd of ponies were shouting and stomping, cheering their alien visitor on as the trout powered up the fall, Chris clinging to it like koala.
Twilight narrowed her eyes.
“Wait, there’s something wrong,” she said as the fish and Chris went over the top of the fall and disappeared beneath the water.
The crowd had erupted into cheers, having seen the human accomplish the feat which so many had failed.
“Wrong, what’s wrong? He just did it!” Lyra shouted over the roar of the thundering hooves.
“Lad looked comatose holding onto that fish,” Night Light agreed, “and that’s not even counting the fact that he hasn’t resurfaced up there yet.”
“You don’t think?” Velvet wondered.
“Oh no,” Twilight’s said as her heart leapt into her throat, an instant later she’d disappeared in a sphere of purple magic.
“Wait, where is she going? What’s going on?” Lyra demanded to know while shaking Velvet roughly.
“Take it easy, I need to concentrate, I’m not as quick with this as Twilight,” Velvet said as her horn shimmered and a sphere of pale purple magic encompassed her, Lyra, and Night Light. A moment later they disappeared in a loud pop.
Sugar Cube Corner
Keon whistled as Sugar Cube Corner came into view. “So, does the evil witch from Hansel and Gretel stay in that place, or do all bakeries look that awesome here?”
“Don’t know about any evil witches, but Pinkie lives there with the Cakes,” Scootaloo said as she took in a deep whiff of the confectionery scented air.
“Wait, so Pinkie lives in a bakery?” Keon asked, finding the information not very surprising. “That girl does love her sweets, huh?”
“Me and her both,” Apple Bloom said as they entered into the shop, the bell above chiming as they did so.
“Welcome to Sugar Cube Corner,” a stout, plump, blue mare greeted from behind the counter in a singsong voice. “Oh…” she mouthed after realizing who or what was standing in her shop.
“Hey, Mrs. Cake!” Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle greeted in their trademark unison fashion while Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon gave simple nods of acknowledgment.
“Hello, girls,” Mrs. Cake returned cheerfully as the group stopped in front of the counter.
Keon beamed at Mrs. Cake “So, you must be Pinkie’s mom, it’s nice to meet you. My name is Keon, by the way.”
Mrs. Cake chuckled. “I can see why you would think so considering our living arrangements, but I’m not Pinkie Pie’s mother, she stays in the loft as our apprentice.”
“Silly me, I should have known, you look way too young.”
Mrs. Cake smiled as she studied Keon with a discerning eye. “Well, I knew Pinkie had odd taste, but I think you take the cake. At least you’re charming or at least can pretend to be.”
“Come again?”
“Nothing, dear,” Mrs. Cake said. “So, what can I getcha?”
Considering he didn’t spy any menus throughout the shop, Keon leaned over to stare into the glass counter which was littered with confectioneries and candies of all varieties. “Think I’ll take a…” Keon paused, feeling something tugging on his pant leg.
Looking down, he found two tiny ponies at his feet. One of them a unicorn filly who possessed an orange mane and a yellow coat, while the other was a pegasus colt with a cream colored coat and brown mane. Both of them were staring back up at him.
Using his keen powers of deduction and common sense, he decided that they were babies, if their size and diapers weren’t clear enough indicators.
“Well, who are these little squirts?” Keon asked as he knelt down next to the baby ponies that were staring at him in confusion.
Mrs. Cake looked over the counter. “Pumpkin Cake, Pound Cake, how did you get out here? You two know it’s your nap time.”
“Maybe their baby senses were tingling,” Keon said as she stood up. “I bet I set off all kinds of alarms.”
“Their baby sense?” Mrs. Cake repeated while walking around the counter to retrieve her children. “Well, we've already got a Pinkie sense in here, why not a baby sense?” she said as she picked up Pumpkin Cake and reached for Pound cake but not before he used his wings to lift himself onto Keon's shoulders.
Mrs. Cake furrowed her brow.
“Pound Cake, you get down from there at once,” she said before turning to Keon with an apologetic expression. “I'm so sorry, dear; these two can be a hoofful at times.
Keon grimaced as Pound Cake began to tug on his dreads, all while giggling and drooling on his head.
“That’s babies in a nutshell,” Keon reasoned, wincing with every tug, and not entirely sure what to do with the baby that had commandeered his head.
“If ya could jus' lower yerself a bit Ah could get him,” Apple Bloom suggested.
Keon knelt down low enough for Apple Bloom to reach Pound Cake. Unfortunately, Pound Cake still had a hoof full of Keon’s dreads in his hooves when Apple Bloom pried him free, the sound of it akin to velcro. It took all of his willpower to not scream from the resulting pain.
“Heavens, are you okay?” Mrs. Cake asked worriedly.
Keon wiped a tear from his eye. “Yeah I’m fine,” he lied. “Quite a grip, considering he’s got hooves.”
Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake were laughing at Keon’s pained expression.
“That’s not funny,” Mrs. Cake scolded the two, “You know better tha…” Mrs. Cake was suddenly interrupted by the sound of a loud explosion coming from the kitchen behind her.
A tall, lanky stallion burst through the kitchen door in a coughing fit, a large plume of black smoke billowing out behind him. He was covered from head to hoof in cake batter, confetti, streamers, and deflated balloons.
“Honey, what in Celestia’s name is going on back there?” Mrs. Cake all but demanded to know.
The stallion coughed a few more times. “It’s Pinkie Pie. She’s building one of her contraptions again. Darn thing went haywire, just about blew me apart with cake in there. Luckily, she hasn’t gotten the fireworks in it just yet or I’d really be feeling it.”
Keon studied the stallion that entered. His color scheme was only a few shades off from Pumpkin Cake's while his build was wiry and taller than any normal pony he’d seen thus far. The stallion was nearly eye level with himself, an interesting contrast to his wife’s short and stout physique.
Mr. Cake’s eyes wandered over to the two-legged creature standing in his shop before he marched up to him and placed a sympathetic hoof on his shoulder.
“Sonny, that mare in there is gonna be the death of you. Celestia's grace be with you,” he said just before the sprinklers overhead turned on, drenching everyone in the shop. “Or maybe all of us.”
Canterlot
Chris’s eyes lazily opened, his vision being hazy and taking a few moments to adjust to the bright lighting of his surroundings. He was in a bed he realized, a large and comfortable one. The room itself was plain, nothing more than a single dresser with a firefly lamp on it and monotone green wall paper. Pulling the sheets from his chest, he lifted himself up into a sitting position, grimacing in the process. Looking down, he found numerous purplish hoof-shaped bruises on his chest.
“Welcome back.”
Chris turned his head to find Keon in a chair next to his bedside, a magazine titled ‘Pony Weekly’ resting in his hands. “Welcome back?” he muttered in confusion. “What are you talking about, welcome back from what?”
Keon leaned back in his chair. “I don’t know, maybe from your near death experience. By the way, trying to show off for the pony populace, real smooth, buddy.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Your memory is shot, huh?” Keon asked rhetorically. “Dude, you almost drowned trying to ride something they called a rainbow trout up a waterfall.”
Chris blinked a few times in confusion before his memories came flooding back. “You’re right, I remember trying that now, but I blacked out when I thought I had it too.” Chris slumped back in his bed. “So, how long was I out for?”
“About six days,” Keon answered dryly.
“Six days!?” Chris shouted in disbelief.
“Nah, I’m just messing with you.” Keon chuckled. “You think I would have waited at your bedside for six freaking days? I don’t like you that much. It’s been like two hours, and thanks for ruining my trip to Ponyville by the way.”
Chris looked at Keon, noting that his hair and clothes where caked in something. “What are you covered in?”
Keon looked down at his filthy clothes. “Cake batter, sprinkles, frosting, and whatever the hell else was in that machine Pinkie had.”
“A machine?”
Keon nodded. “Yeah, she said she had something super-duper-rific important to tell me, her words not mine, and then rolled out this thing. It was sorta of like a cart, I don’t even know really, but check this out: It starts playing music, shooting confetti, streamers, and fireworks and balloons are coming out of it. I guess she overdid it on the gunpowder because the damn thing blows up, cake batter was everywhere. I got drenched in the stuff.”
Chris chuckled. “She’s a character, that’s for sure. So, what did she have to tell you that was so important?”
“She didn’t,” Keon answered with a shrug. “She said she’d flubbed and took off like a bat out of hell, that was right before Luna showed up looking like she’d run a marathon.”
“Luna?” Chris asked as he quirked his brow.
“Yeah, turns out she flew all the way from Canterlot to Ponyville,” Keon explained. “She said you had an accident, and I was to come at once. Man, you should have seen Nightmane’s face when Luna told me to get on her back.” Keon laughed after having recalled the memory. “Poor thing tried to keep up with Luna, but it was like watching a fat guy race Usain Bolt. Shit, I could barely hold on. I just hope I didn’t bruise Luna’s neck, or Nightmane will probably castrate me for...”
A sudden knock on the door interrupted Keon mid speech.
“It’s open,” Keon called.
Chris and Keon watched as the door creaked open and Twilight slowly poked her head inside.
“Is Chris awake?” she asked softly.
“Of course he’s awake, I heard him in there!” Lyra shouted as she brazenly forced her way through the door. “Chris, you okay!?” she said as she bounded up to Chris’s bed side and threw herself over him, pulling him into a tight embrace.
Chris winced in pain, choking and wheezing out, “Too heavy, you’re too heavy.”
“Lyra, get off of him,” Twilight ordered. “He’s been through enough as it is. Besides, you’re probably really irritating his bruises,” she added as her ears dropped, and she looked towards the floor.
Chris held a hand to his chest after Lyra had removed herself from him. “You know something about these?”
Lyra frowned, “Yeah, she knows, she’s the one that caused them after all.”
“Is that fair, Lyra?” Celestia asked as she entered into the room flanked by Luna, Velvet, and Night Light. “You know as well as I do that those were made from Twilight’s attempts to save Mr. Chris.”
Lyra’s ears flattened. “I know, it’s just…she kissed him!” she said while pointing an accusing hoof towards Twilight. “She took advantage of the situation!”
“For the last time, Lyra, it wasn’t a kiss! I took advantage of nothing!” Twilight shouted back, looking irritated and flustered at the same time. “It’s called insufflation, rescue breaths! For Celestia’s sake, I was trying to save his life!”
Lyra shoved her snout into Twilight’s. “You’d have me believe that, wouldn’t you?”
“Yes, yes, I would have you believe that!” Twilight said as she pushed back against Lyra’s muzzle. “I don’t see Chris in the same ridiculous manner as you do!”
Lyra pushed forward again. “So, it’s ridiculous, is it!? I didn’t realize you were one of those types!”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Twilight defended. “I just don’t… Hey, stop twisting my words!”
“I didn’t twist anything!”Lyra countered.
“Enough!” Velvet cut in as she stomped her hoof to silence Twilight and Lyra. “Would you two stop all this tireless yelling? I have had it up to here with this bickering from you two! Act like grown mares, not fillies.”
Chris placed a hand on his forehead to soothe his building headache. “Hold on, who kissed who? What happened? What is anyone even talking about?”
Luna cleared her throat. “Perhaps a retelling of the story is in order?”
“Thank you, I don’t like being out of the loop, especially when the subject matter is me,” Chris said, looking mildly agitated as he turned to Keon. “Well, let’s hear it, you’re wearing a stupid enough grin, I bet you’re dying to tell me.”
Keon almost looked surprised. “I think you’re better off hearing it from someone who was actually there, I’ll probably leave out some stuff or add in my own to spice it up.”
Twilight stepped forward. “I suppose I’m as good as anypony…”
“I’ll do it,” Lyra cut Twilight off. “You’re just going to try to make yourself sound extra cool.”
“I’ll reiterate the tale,” Velvet stated firmly, not leaving any room for compromise in her tone. “Lest you two start arguing again.”
Velvet’s horn began to glow as small purple sparks emitted from the tip of it. The room, having previously been well lit, began dimming.
A colorful, smoky substance began to seep from Velvet’s horn, creating a plume of shifting colors that began to overtake the entire room. Chris and Keon watched the show in wonderment as they found themselves surrounded by the colorful smoke.
“What is she doing?” Chris asked no one in particular.
“Story telling is my wife’s passion,” Night Light whispered back to Chris. “This type of illusion magic is her forte; she normally uses it to wow her audiences at her book signings.”
The smoky substance began to shift and swirl around the room until a hazy image of Whimsical Falls could be seen, which slowly began to sharpen and gain more focus until it was vividly clear. If Chris hadn’t known any better, he would have thought they’d been transported back to the falls. The grass, clouds, water, and even the ponies seemed incredibly real.
“Wow, is all this really just an illusion?” Keon asked while reaching out to touch one of the ponies that was standing next to him.
The pony in question, having been touched, popped into a cloud of smoke for a moment before reconstructing itself back into a pony.
“Yes, just an illusion,” Velvet confirmed. “Anything I can imagine I can visually depict within this space, but I don’t suggest moving around too much,” she warned. “We’re still in the confines of a room; you might walk into a wall,” she said before she pointed towards the stream where Chris could be seen riding a trout up the fall. “This is a good place to start.”
Chris leaned forward in his bed to better view himself riding up the fall. He didn’t look conscious, he noted. “This is trippy, watching myself like this,” he said as he tilted his head. “So, that’s what I look like from behind?”
Keon put a finger to his lips. “Shh, I’m trying to watch.”
“Are you kidding me? There’s no sound anyway.”
“You two can’t hear what’s going on?” Night Light asked with a hint of confusion directed at the humans.
“That’s to be expected,” Velvet reasoned. “Right, Twilight?”
“The visuals in mother's illusion spell isn’t a trick of the mind via magic,” Twilight said as she nodded her head. “She uses the smoke as a physical manifestation to project what she wants seen, so Chris and Keon’s resistance to magic does not prevent them from viewing it; however, the sound does involve magic altering the senses, in which case these two are unaffected.”
Night Light only looked more confused as he asked. “Are you saying they have a non-void field surrounding them?”
“Dad, did you read any of the letters I sent you and…” Twilight paused, realizing that Night had fallen asleep. “Never mind.”
“After you went over the falls, we all sensed that something was wrong,” Velvet said as everything they could see reverted back into colorful smoke before reshaping itself into a new scene.
They were all at the top of the falls where Chris should have been.
“As you can see, you never resurfaced after making it up the fall,” Velvet said as she pointed to the illusionary Twilight running along the stream, searching frantically.“Twilight was the first to realize something was wrong and was the first to make it up here,” Velvet finished just as the illusionary Twilight dove into the water.
“You should be on Baywatch,” Keon whispered to Twilight. Not having gotten the joke, she simply said she’d take his word for it.
Chris looked at Twilight with a building level of admiration as he watched the illusionary Twilight drag his limp, illusionary form out of the water. He was pale, deathly pale. If he hadn’t known that he lived through this he would have thought that he was witnessing his own death.
A crowd of ponies were starting to gather around the scene. The illusionary Twilight was shouting, at least that’s what Chris assumed she was doing. She looked terrified, he noted. A moment later Lyra, Velvet, and Night Light had pushed their way through the crowd, their expressions quickly changing to shock before being replaced with determination.
It seemed as if Twilight had ordered them to perform crowd control, for they began forcing ponies to back up and give them space.
Meanwhile, Twilight had placed an ear to Chris’s nose for a moment before using her hooves to turn him over on his side. A bit of water spewed from his mouth, and she rolled him back over, returning her ear to his nose.
After having done so, she seemingly shouted again, prompting Lyra to come to her side. Lyra nodded as Twilight gave her orders. Taking to her knees, Lyra held Chris’s limp arm in her hooves and placed her nose against his wrist.
“I told Lyra to feel for your pulse while I performed cardiopulmonary resuscitation,” Twilight said, narrating the scene for Chris and Keon.
The next moment the illusionary Twilight had clamped a hoof over Chris’s nose, brought her mouth down over his own and started to blow. The illusionary Lyra looked flabbergasted, her bottom jaw hanging by its hinges while the Lyra in the room turned her nose up in distaste.
“I think it's worse seeing it for a second time,” Lyra grumbled under her breath.
Keon wolf-whistled. “Jeez, Twilight, you could have at least bought him dinner before going to first base.”
Chris, Twilight, and Lyra glared at Keon for his opportune joke while Velvet stifled a giggle behind a hoof.
Luna looked confused. “First base?”
Twilight appeared abashed. “I had no choice,” she defended herself with more bite than she had probably intended. “I’m sure you would have done the same thing.”
“Nope,” Keon stated matter-of-factly.“Had I been in your position Chris would be six feet under right now.”
“You don’t mean that,” Velvet argued. “Only somepony truly self-conscious would place their own shame above a friend's life.”
Luna spoke up. “Fret not, Twilight Velvet, Mr. Keon’s choice in humor takes some getting used to, but I’m sure his statement was merely a jest.”
“I wonder about that,” Chris mused, turning his attention back to the scene where the illusionary Twilight was pounding on his chest alternating with giving him mouth to mouth. He winced with every hit Twilight delivered to his doppelganger.
“Who taught you how to do chest compressions?” Keon wondered aloud. “A silverback gorilla?”
“No, as a matter of fact it was a book,” Twilight affirmed. “Everything I did came from the published work, How to Save a Drowning Pony, but due to obvious differences in anatomy I had to make some improvisations to the techniques depicted.”
Chris’s illusionary form suddenly lurched forward, and he emptied out the contents of his stomach into the grass, much to his own disgust, just barely missing a surprised Twilight. His eyes were wild as they scanned the area frantically. Twilight had placed a comforting hoof on his chest and appeared to be trying to talk him down. Chris, however, hadn’t seem to hear a word she said, considering he’d never once acknowledged her presence before he passed out on the grass with a thump. He looked much more peaceful after having done so, his chest steadily rising and falling rhythmically.
The scene began to distort, shifting back into swirling colors of shapeless smoke. Velvet’s horn started acting like a vacuum nozzle, pulling in the substance from whence it came.
“Well, that’s what happened,” Velvet said after having returned the room to its normal state. “After the EMTs arrived and checked on you and gave us the okay, we brought you here to the castle's infirmary.”
Twilight looked at Chris’s bruises with remorse. “You were in a clinical death state; I had to get your heart going before you suffered any brain damage. At the time I hadn’t even considered how harsh my hooves would be on your skin, I’m sorry.”
“Twilight, the end more than justifies the means. I’ll take some bruises over death any day of the week,” Chris said with a smile before hesitantly resting his hands on top of Twilight and Lyra’s heads and started scratching their manes’. “I don’t even know what to say, I never thought I would owe my life to someone.”
‘So much for scratching being taboo,’ Keon mused.
Twilight shied away from Chris’s touch while Lyra was all too eager to lean in for more.
“You don’t owe us anything, what we did any friend would do,” Twilight protested. “Now, um, I’ve still got a lot of work to do. I mean, this whole fiasco has put me way behind schedule on getting those test started.”
“You don’t need my help?” Chris asked.
“No, you get some rest,” Twilight advised. “I can manage a few experiments on my own.”
Celestia feigned a cough. “I believe Twilight is right. You need your rest, you’ve been through quite a lot.”
Keon placed a hand on Lyra’s shoulder. “Sorry to interrupt your rubdown, but I think Celestia wants us out,” he said before turning to Chris and sticking out his fist towards him. “Take it easy, man. I’ll stop by tomorrow to check on you and to make sure these nurses are changing your bedpan.”
Chris chuckled dryly as he bumped fists with Keon. “Thanks, good to know you’re always looking out for me.”
The next day
Rarity shook her head in amusement as she walked along the corridors of Canterlot’s Castle with Pinkie walking at her side.
“Honestly, Pinkie, did you really believe that something as ridiculous as a be my special somepony bonanza, extravaganza, surprise wagon-cannon was a good idea?”
Pinkie furrowed her brow and looked to the ceiling in deep thought. “If I could have just worked out all the kinks then I’m sure it would have worked, too bad I’m not as good with this pyro stuff as my sister.”
“Pinkie, why didn’t you just heed my advice?” Rarity asked. “You have time, there’s no need to be so hasty. I’ve already offered to aid you in your endeavor. Just be patient, we must do this properly. Besides, it’s not like you have any competition for his affections. So, can you try to restrain yourself from any further antics, like that cannon idea?”
“Well…I suppose I could.”
“Good,” Rarity said with finality as she stopped in front of a large pair of double doors. “Okay, this is it. Do I look presentable?” Rarity asked as she struck a pose.
“Your coat is brushed, your hooves are polished, your mane is shiny, your eyelashes are curled, and your breath is fresh,” Pinkie answered as she performed a slow walk around Rarity. “So, you’re as radiant as you always are.”
“Excellent, one’s appearance is key in making a memorable first impression,” Rarity said as she placed a hoof against the door and left it there.
Pinkie tilted her head in confusion. “What are you waiting for? Get in there.”
Rarity’s hoof trembled against the wood grain. “Heavens, I’m just so nervous: I’m not only meeting with the Tailor Made, I get to assist her in the creation of our ensemble for the Valley of the Changing Seasons. I suppose I’m well, how did you put it…nervicited? ”
“Yep, nervicited,” Pinkie said with a nod of her head. “But you can’t have any assisting fun from behind a door, silly!” Pinkie exclaimed, having kicked the door open and literally tossed Rarity inside. “Have fun!” Pinkie shouted as Rarity went sliding across the marble floor until she bumped into a firm body.
Rarity tentatively looked up and was greeted by Tailor Made’s calculating eyes.
“T-Tailor Made,” Rarity squeaked.
“Darling, what are you doing on the floor? There’s work to be done and lots of it,” Tailor Made said, having used her pink hued magic to lift Rarity to her hooves. “We have no time for you to be tripping over your own hooves: Tailor Made is a professional and expects her requested help to be so as well.”
“B-but of course, I may as well be a professional at being professional,” Rarity said with a nervous grin. “I mean, what I meant to say was…”
Tailor Made sighed. “Rarity darling, you have no reason to be nervous, if anything I should be nervous. Tailor Made is working with an element of harmony, a national hero and the most promising young designer in Equestria. If she can maintain her composure in your presence, then you can keep yours in hers.”
Rarity nodded her understanding as she strengthened her resolve. “You’re absolutely right: This fanfilly behavior is so unbecoming, especially when we have important work to do.”
Tailor Made grinned, showcasing her pearly whites. “Now that’s better,” she said, having lead Rarity to a table with an assortment of odd fabrics.
“What are these fabrics?” Rarity asked while holding up a sheet of black material in her hooves. “I’ve never seen anything like them, and this texture…”
“These fabrics all posses qualities unique to them,” Tailor Made explained. “For instance, the one you’re holding in your hoof can absorb and store heat. From what I’ve read, this would prove most useful in a place with an unstable climate like the valley,” Tailor Made explained as she walked over to a new piece of dark green fabric and lifted it up.
“That’s odd,” Rarity commented. “I didn’t even notice that piece of fabric until you picked it up, was it really there this whole time?”
“Of course it was,” Tailor Made responded. “It’s called vanishing felt, harvested from the mane of a lion-tailed chameleon macaque.”
“So, it’s a fabric that can blend in into its surroundings?” Rarity asked curiously.
“Not exactly, the chameleon macaque doesn’t conceal its body through camouflage, but it conceals its presence. Everything has a presence: Somepony with high charisma tends to stand out among the crowd while wallflowers go unnoticed. The chameleon macaque can make its entire presence vanish. It could sit in plain sight but be extremely difficult to notice if it does not want to be,” Tailor Made said, having set the material back down on the table. “In a place where most things would probably wish to eat you, this is a highly convenient material to have.”
“I see,” Rarity commented while observing the numerous fabrics throughout the room. “And each of these has their own unique attributes? The possibilities must be endless for what we could create.”
“Remember this, Rarity, as a designer beauty is your priority; however, there comes a time when the utility and functionality of your designs are just as important, if not more, this is one of those times.”
“Are you…mentoring me?”
Tailor Made bopped Rarity on the nose with a polished hoof. “Tailor Made said that you were the most promising young talent in Equestria, did she not? As such she would like a hoof in your development,” she reasoned as she picked up a cup of tea and sipped from it.
“These materials are all specially crafted fabrics that cannot simply be woven together and still retain their functions. Combining these materials is a highly complicated and delicate procedure, one that Tailor Made would be happy to teach you, if you’re willing to learn.”
“I’d be honored!” Rarity answered enthusiastically. “The chance to add such a skill to my repertoire, I simply couldn't refuse.”
“That’s good to hear,” Tailor Made said as she transformed her crown into a pair of eye specs and placed them on her face. “Let us commence our work.”
Two Days Later
Twilight stroked a hoof through her matted and tangled mane as she swiveled her chair around to face Celestia and Luna. Her face looked worn and tired as she addressed her diarchs.
“Think of their genetic code as possessing gaps in its sequence,” Twilight explained. “Being from a different plane of existence, they’re built without magic being a part of their genetic makeup. Those gaps where magic would normally reside are merely waiting to be filled,” Twilight said as she hopped up from her chair and trotted over to a chalkboard that was covered in complicated diagrams and formulas.
“It goes without say that magic can’t be introduced to humans born in their own universe on a genetic level, because it’s simply not a part of a human’s blueprint. However, theoretically humans born here will conform to the laws of our universe and have the gaps filled by the natural magic of our world,” Twilight concluded.
“We still don’t know what that means exactly,” Velvet added. “Magic tends to accentuate the natural qualities of every being. Perhaps humans born on Equis will exhibit more strength, speed, stamina, or even nothing at all. However, our best theory is that magic will only amplify a human’s already impressive intelligence. For humans born with magic as a part of their genetic material, they will more than likely be held to a higher standard than normal humans in order to be considered geniuses.”
“Are you sure about this, Velvet and Twilight Sparkle?” Luna asked as she removed her eye from the microscope.
“I’ve been shut in here for three days obsessing over this finding since I discovered it, I even took the liberty of bringing my mother in to assist me, the data is conclusive, Princess Luna,” Twilight assured her. “I’ve tested, re-tested, and tested again, I can’t deny the data any longer,” Twilight finished before she pointed a hoof at a petri dish. “However, this is the finding we had to discuss with you immediately.”
Luna walked over to the petri dish and stared at the pink goo inside with a look of revulsion. “What is it?”
“Chris’s reproductive cells,” Twilight answered bluntly.
“Why is it pink like that?”
“The coloration is from the test we’ve performed,” Velvet explained as she sat down in a nearby stool, fatigue having gotten the better of her as well. “Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin with this one, so I’ll let my daughter have the honors.”
Twilight walked back over to her chalkboard and flipped it around, revealing the backside where a diagram even more detailed than the first was drawn. “Everything is always easier to understand with a visual aid,” Twilight started. “Let’s just begin with the fact that human genetics are superficially similar but eerily different than our own. To keep it short, human DNA and RNA is fragile, very easy to decipher or even influenced by magic, at least once it’s left the protection of the human body that is,” she concluded.
Velvet gestured to the petri dish to emphasize her point. “Their genome is as delicate as that of a griffin or changeling, which can also be manipulated by our own DNA. I’m sure you understand the implications of that, no?”
Luna scratched her star infested mane bashfully.“Of course we do, but if it’s all the same you should explain it.”
“Hybridism,” Celestia muttered just loud enough for them to hear her.
Twilight nodded. “That’s correct, Princess. Of course, we only have anecdotal evidence. We could never know one hundred percent without putting it through clinical trials, but maybe a small test would suffice for the time being?”
“You’re suggesting performing an in vitro fertilization?” Celestia asked, her demeanor staying unreadable.
It was Velvet's turn to answer. “Yes, Princess, we’ll let the zygote cultivate in a growth medium that replicates the environment and magic levels of a mare’s womb for four days, just long enough to see if cells begin to healthily form, after which we’ll end the experiment.”
“You’re suggesting creating life then destroying it, all in service of an experiment?” Luna asked, not making any attempt to hide her disapproval in her tone. “You’re speaking of committing the ultimate act of hubris.”
Velvet took a large gulp of the lukewarm coffee sitting on the counter next to her and gingerly placed the cup back down. “With all due respect, your Highness, four days is before the blastocyst even attaches itself to the endometrium. At that stage of development it would be about as alive as your own skin cells beneath your coat.”
“You are intelligent, Twilight Velvet, no pony denies that, but do not patronize me,” Luna warned. “Life is life, it’s that simple.”
Velvet shrugged. “Fine, I suppose we could always ask one of the humans to go jump somepony's bones and see what happens.”
“Mom!” Twilight gasped.
“My humblest apologies, Princess. I’m tired and therefore agitated,” Velvet said before taking another swig of her coffee and then jumping off her stool. “But if we’ve reached an impasse here, I think I’ll go take a nap.”
“Wait,” Celestia ordered, prompting Velvet to stop in her tracks. “Will four days yield the results you are looking for?”
“But Tia…” Luna tried to argue.
“It will be long enough to deduce whether or not something can be viably produced,” Twilight chose to answer. “Unfortunately, we’d have to extend the experiment much longer to answer the hard-hitting questions, and letting it proceed for as long as we need goes beyond my morals as a scientist,” Twilight admitted. “Once the blastocyst attaches to the endometrium there would be no turning back, we’d have to see the entire development through to the end after that.”
Celestia’s horn began to glow as a soft aura of magic flooded the room before it expanded in a flash of bright light.
“Sister, what did you just do?” Luna asked.
“Anypony within a fifteen meter radius of this room will not be able to recall anything that happened in the last ten minutes,” Celestia explained. “Just a precaution in case of eavesdroppers, I also wove in a silencing spell to make sure this conversation remains a private,” she concluded before she turned back to face Twilight.
“This sounds very risky, Twilight,” Celestia continued, her face just as calm as when she’d first begun. “You know I trust you with anything, and I’m sure you understand the fix we would be in if this experiment were to somehow backfire on us? We’d lose what we’ve been working towards.”
“Yes, Princess, we fully understand what we’re asking of you, the implications and possible ramifications of it as well,” Twilight assured her. “That’s why we’re prepared to go completely off record with this. Your Highnesses would have no knowledge of what was done, my mother and I having gone through with the experiment without your consent.”
“And Mr. Chris and Mr. Keon?” Celestia ventured.
“If you two ever have to claim being incognizant then those two can’t know of this either,” Velvet answered.
Luna’s eyes widened. “No, we can’t allow that. Abandon this foolishness.”
“For the edification of the entire Equis populace we’re fine with shouldering this responsibility, Princess Luna,” Velvet argued. “At worst we’d be ostracized for our actions. You two on the other hoof stand to lose much more considering your positions.”
Celestia was quiet for a moment before she turned on her hooves. “Let us go, Luna, Velvet and Twilight would like to get back to their work.”
“Tia, I’m curious as well, but this is madness. You’re not truly going to allow them to go through with this?”
Celestia raised a brow. “Go through with what?”
Luna frowned as she followed after Celestia but stopped for a moment and turned to face Twilight.
“Remember this, Twilight Sparkle, we reap what we sow, I know this all too well. Let us hope there were no miscalculations in your data.” With that, Luna exited the lab.
Twilight watched as the door shut behind Celestia and Luna, and the once golden aura flooding the room began to dissipate.
“You don’t believe we’ve made a miscalculation somewhere, do you?” Twilight asked Velvet while flipping through her data log frantically. “We can’t afford to mess this up.”
Velvet placed a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “Calm down, we are as prepared for this as we ever will be. But if you’re having second thoughts, we can forgo the experiment, we can keep our hooves out off this and let things unfold naturally. I’m sure once we’ve established friendly relations with the human race copulation between our species will eventually happen. History shows that it always does.”
Twilight looked surprised. “Mother, who told you about…”
“Have you ever known me to be ignorant to such obvious things?” Velvet asked. “All of this,” Velvet gestured to the room. “Would not be necessary if the princesses weren’t making plans to meet with the entirety of the human species. How you intend to do so I haven’t been able to puzzle out, but I’m sure it has to do with this trip to Volare. Now, I’ll say it again, if you’re uncertain, we do not have to go through with this.”
“No, I think I just let Princess Luna’s words scare me. We’ll proceed as scheduled.”
Velvet yawned. “I’ll need to take a trip down to Canterlot General and get a batch of oocyte from cryopreservation, hopefully no pony will ask too many questions.”
“Why don’t you get some rest instead?” Twilight offered her mother. “I’ll retrieve the oocyte, it’ll be easier for me to get them without rousing suspicion considering I’ve placed orders from Canterlot General in the past for other experiments.”
“If you insist,” Velvet said with a shrug. “But either way, I don’t have time to rest. You leave in four days after all. I’ll start setting up the growth medium while you’re gone.”
“Don’t overwork yourself, Mother.”
“This is nothing: Do you have any idea of how many all-nighters I’ve had to pull to meet a deadline for one of my books?”
“Yes, but for my own ease of mind, please don’t overdo it.”
Four days pass
Bon Bon sat impatiently at the Ponyville train station, watching as ponies walked to and fro. Lyra had sent her a letter earlier that week saying that she’d be back in Ponyville at the end of the week with the seven o’clock train; however, that train had already come and gone, along with the eight, nine, and ten o’clock trains.
“Where is she?” Bon Bon griped irritably while stomping a hoof on the ground. “I’ve been here for three hours. I swear, if that mare has… ugh, why do I even bother!?”
Meanwhile
“So, one of these is our ride?” Keon asked after Celestia had led him, Chris, Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Starly into a large air hangar just outside of Canterlot’s royal castle.
The hangar had more than a dozen ships docked.
Celestia nodded. “These are my personal ships. You see, I’m something of a collector of them,” she said before pointing a golden-shod hoof towards the largest of all the docked airships. “This is my pride and joy. I call her Air Solstice. You’ll be taking her,” Celestia said while looking at the airship with motherly pride.
The design was that of a large, orange and golden ship. Both sides of the ship had sun emblems etched into the wood. The entire thing was tethered to a zeppelin-sized, red, and gold comet shaped balloon.
“Well that’s…different,” Chris noted. “That’s an interesting take on a blimp.”
“She may be big…”
“However, she's the fastest airship around,” Luna finished Celestia's sentence with a roll of her eyes. “Honestly, Sister, must you tell everypony you bring here about how great your ship is?”
“I’m sorry,” Celestia said with an embarrassed grin. “Seeing as I do not have any, I’ve come to think of these ships as my own foals. Silly, I know.”
“Everyone has their own little oddities about them,” Starly said as she came up to Celestia’s side and gazed up at the impressive ship. “It’s a bit grand to use as a simple transport, do the humans need something so luxurious?”
“Volare is quite a trip by airship,” Celestia reasoned. “There’s no harm in traveling in comfort. Besides, I’m sure General Emerald Talon will be more than liberal with his accommodations as well once they arrive.”
“He’ll have no choice with you setting the bar so high,” Starly said as she looked to her own carriage, her chauffeurs having already harnessed themselves in for the flight. “Well, boys, let's take to the skies. We’ve been away from home for far too long.”
“If we’re all going to the same city, why don’t you ride with us?” Keon asked the griffin captain. “Looks like a couple hundred people could fit comfortably on that beast.”
Starly shook her head in response. “Sorry, but I’m ready to see home, and that big air boat travels too slowly for my taste. In hindsight, I probably should have left a few days ago, just as Deerling, Zuri, Strong Horn, and Pembe have,” she said before she walked up to her carriage and pulled open the door. Giving a curt bow to Celestia and Luna, she stepped inside. “We’ll see each other soon enough,” she added to Chris and Keon.
With that, Starly closed the carriage door. The griffins, having taken that as their signal to leave, sprinted a few paces before extending their wings and taking off towards the hangar doors and into the air.
“Allow me to show you on board,” Celestia said as she began to march towards the Air Solstice with a noticeable amount of pep in her step.
“So, it’s finally time,” Chris said as he shouldered his backpack in anticipation and began to walk towards the ship with Celestia and Luna.
“Woo-hoo!” Pinkie shouted giddily. “It’s been like forever since I’ve been on a vacation,” she said as she bounced towards the ship with Dash floating lazily behind her.
“You know we’re on serous business, it’s not a vacation, Pinkie,” Dash stated firmly while scrutinizing Pinkie’s Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses, and straw hat. “And what’s with that beach getup? Volare’s at a super high altitude, it’s gonna be cold up there for you guys.”
“Just us? You don’t get cold or something?” Keon asked.
“Nope, I’m a pegasus. We’re built for the colder temperatures that come with living in the sky,” Dash explained.
“What she means is that we pegasi have a layer of down under our fur that keeps us nice and warm,” Fluttershy clarified.
“I have to admit, I feel a significant amount of excitement,” Rarity said as she used her magic to grasp her impressive quantity of luggage. “I’ve never been to a non-pony governed city; to be in the minority should prove an interesting experience.”
“It’s not all what it’s chalked up to be,” Keon said casually, following Chris, Celestia, Luna, Pinkie, Dash, Fluttershy, and Rarity on board.
Twilight adjusted her own saddlebags but didn’t follow Celestia and the others. “I still feel like I’m forgetting something.”
“Sugar, that happens on every trip Ah take,” Applejack reasoned. “And if Ah know you, you’ve checked over your list more times than that Claus fellow Chris was tellin' us about.”
Twilight took a deep breath, “You’re right, Applejack. I’m just being paranoid. I’m sure everything is…”
“Twilight, Twilight!”
Twilight turned on her hooves and spotted Velvet waving her over from the hangar's entrance way.
“Mom?” she asked almost dumbly before making her way over to her.
“Thank the stars I caught you before you left,” Velvet said while taking a few deep breaths.
Twilight noted that Velvet was sweating, her mane was a mess, and she looked more than a little frantic. “Mother, what’s wrong? You look panicked.”
“What I look like is the least of our concerns,” Velvet stated. “We’ve got a problem back at the lab.”
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"Ponies have a deep seeded need for control..."
I'm always amused when an eggcorn I haven't seen before makes as much sense or more on the surface than the actual idiom. It's deep-seated.
Also, "divulge" does mean "reveal," but not in the sense of "reveal to yourself," only "reveal to someone else." as in a secret you were keeping.
...I'm going to assume Lyra is somehow involved with the incident.
Lyra took the sample didn't she.
I wonder how magic can correct different number of chromosomes, hormonal imbalance, and infertility. Theirs a reason why humans don't play God.
So... what's with the hybrid breeding? It's interesting, but why is it even in here?
Spongebob reference FTW!
Also, abortion debate... Interesting.
Trouble at the lab? Now I'm no longer eager for the next chapter. I'm DESPERATE. I like this story a lot. It's been some time since I've read something of this caliber, and with such a unique take on the human in Equestria angle...
but I digress.
-C.Storm
Doesn't feel like that great of a chapter to me. Events were rushing by before I had a chance to really think that much about them. Also, while I can't say this for others, I don't care about the hybrid thing at all. I am not saying I dislike it, just that it seems it is supposed to be a drama thing, but my thoughts about it are "meh".
Note: I am very tired right now and my lack of sleep might be affecting my thoughts. So I might make another comment after a few hours of much needed sleep.
4251761
They probably want to see how viable humans would be to live in equestria. Magic's effect on native born humans, effects of sex with a magic pastel horse, stuff like that.
4251554
I'd suggest "divine," or perhaps "discern."
I'm probably jumping to an extreme conclusion here, but my bet is that Lyra has transferred the zygote (or whatever stage it was at) into her own womb...
Either that or Sonson-Sensai is being a troll and making us jump to the entirely wrong conclusion.
Lets hope its not keon's dna that they used. The last thing we need is a halfling with keons attitude
... Lyra, please tell me you didn't.
Fuck yeah¡¡¡¡ another chapter
I lost my shit.
4251761 as it was explain Celestia wants to open relations and we will see cross species relationships and they want to prepare for it
The seed is strong.
Loving the mad Twi Sci going on here.
A Spongebob reference in a MLP fanfic? My life is complete
and now this is getting really interesting. PLEASE continue more often?
tsk tsk even we humans dont jump the gun with genetics that bad DNA is not such a simple thing possible junk can be read and combined with something new to create a whole slew of problems I can't imagine Chris or Keon being happy about this when they find out. plus i find it hilarious that the ponies would think that after a few weeks they could "understand" alien DNA well enough to declare that we have missing spaces took us 20 years to just map our genome we are still just barely understanding it.
Well.
This chapter certainly took a turn I wasn't expecting.
i2.squidoocdn.com/resize/squidoo_images/250/draft_lens17791425module149216804photo_1301719214what_a_twist.jpg
Well, the feces has hit the fan pretty damn quick...
Is the magic somehow accelerating the growth rate of the cells? Perhaps it's gone past the 'moral line'.
Why do i expect when they get to the lab, lightning will stike and Velvet will shout, "Its alive! IT'S ALIIIIIIIIVEEEEE!"
They re making pony/human hybrids? In a lab? BOOOOORRIIINNNG!!!! Just tdo it the natural way! I'm sure Pinkie and lyra "and maybe Twillight" would be more than happy to help in that endavor.
4251980
Oh okay *shoots you in the head*
Have a great afterlife
Great
4251983 Well just look at who we're talking about. Ponies use magic to control the world around them, from the weather and other forces of nature, to the fricken' orbit of their celestial bodies. I almost expect them to be at least a little bit arrogant in fanfiction.
General Emerald Talon was not kidding about the hole control complex thing.
I really hope something unexpected happens with the genetics, cuz i'd be pissed if over 20 years of genetic research suddently because 4 days of research because: "magic". Also, you might want to add more about the DNA, since i don't see how its really "fragile" considering our DNA has enzymes that cheak the DNA and the fact that we can have dublicates of many chromosomes and still live, unless they call "fragile" diversity, which is understandable considering ponys appear to have about 4 traits: sex, race, mane color, body color. Also, we need more debate, or atlest informing the pony on stuff. I'd like to see them react to say, HeLa, or GMO food (ponys don't got shit on us, we genetically engineer and EAT IT), Dolly the sheep, spider goat (the goat with spider DNA that produces spider silk in its milk). Like imagine the conversations "Ya know, we might be able to clone you guys, you're not that differnt from a sheep" or "Ya know, what if genetically engineer one of you guys to produce spider silk in you milk" or "We should totally put that sequence of DNA in you guys that makes you glow in the dark"
They deserve to have there experiment backfire on them. And they deserve any backlash that they revive. Such a violation of rights, trust, privacy, and even ethics it despicable. It is even worse because they really are friends.
Human experimentation? That seems a little dark for you.
Eh, go ahead.
4251756
Mostly because we've not figured out how, yet.
4252260 Well im one of those that firmly believe the "Sun" is an artificial construct because be reasonable unless the conversion of energy law is bubcus in their magic system there is no way a 5ft tall pony has a enough energy to move a star that rapidly across the sky. even if the planet is magic it had to come from a nebula like every other planet so that would be star would be even more magic than the planet. since it has more mass. So the equestrian sun has got to be an artificial construct.
plus your right getting scary vibes about Celestia trying to control humanity that's liable to go nuclear or worse in her face.
Huh that would be a fun story idea one of the other races wrenches control of the sun and or moon while keeping the cycle wonder how the power shift would affect the ponies.
What has science done?
No, really, what has it done? I'm curious.
Sweet Macoronii, a new chapter!
Every update of this fanfic is like a micro X-mas for me.
However, two thinds worries me here:
1. I think This chapter feels a bit rushed.
2. Twi and Tia was too hurry with all those genetic experiments. I mean, they are not in a hurry. They dont have a guarantee that they will catch the bird, yet alone, be able to controle it or its abilities. Also, who on a right mind would involve that nutjob Lyro in such experiment (dont get wrong, I like Lyra)? Did Twi own her money or something? I wonder if the result will be a satyr or anthro type.
Still, I looking forward to read more of it.
why would you end it there
4251837 my thoughts exactly one can only tell if we see lyra on her way to the ER and this just me awaiting futher conclusions
Get some human reproductive fluids... Add in a dash of pony with it... Create an embryo and BAM!!! INSTANT HUMAN PONY!
4252354 Was that an Incredibles reference?
Like a perception filter?
My on criticism with this chapter is that I feel like you bounced around too much. Woulda loved to see a bit more of Keon in Ponyville...
I bet she forget to end the experiment in time.
4252480 I believe those are called Satyrs. Or Centaurs, one of the two.
I think this secret experiment the Twilights are doing is dragging this story into really dark waters. I get the same feeling with General Birdface. Other than that, I really love the interaction between the humans and the ponies. There's never enough of that in the stories.
May I have been in Keon´s place, I would have explained them the shaolin way of getting tattoos
"And that´s how real men get their "Cutie Marks"
4252595
Meh. Close enough.
You know, maybe we should consider a different route; maybe Lyra didn't mess things up, but a certain purple dragon muddled in something he should not have. (You know, accidentaly fire breathing on the genetics or something.)
SpongeBob references.
The ponies seriously feel that way about names to cutie marks? It's as if they questioned the whole "name" thing at some point to their parents and relatives, but were punished or scolded for asking such questions, and were told that these things are going to be beyond understanding all the time.
Ignorance is Heresy. There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. Question everything.