- Member Since 26th Jul, 2014
- offline last seen Aug 2nd, 2023
Shadicbro Brony
A 23 year old Brony with a good heart, loves good romance stories, sad, and adventure. Those who are friendly to others is a friend of mine. As long as you have friendship, you're never alone.
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I give this a thumbs up and will see where it goes from here
Tragic past, black hair with red streaks, absolute sorrow, depression, sociopathic bullies, a grandfather's sword that's made of diamond and obsidian (that would shatter into a million pieces if it didn't meet anything but flesh.) knowing martial arts, a scar on the face that's worthy of description...
This comes off as obvious, wish-fulfillment with far too many extremes of bad enemies and good friends. The grandfather teaching the grandson the martial arts and giving him a weapon is cliche. The sociopathic bullies that are meant to be hate-targets is cliche. You need to think outside of the box.
Start off with a personality profile. Use the four-letter system. Don't give him a past and lay it out before us. Subtly hint it to us as the story goes on. Show his motivations. Use everything that you wrote about his past in this chapter, keep it in a document, and refer to it when you're deciding his next actions. Make him hint his past. "Given what happened to my mother, I stay away from that place as much as possible." Make the reader beg for more information, not push back for information overload.
If you wanna go even further, give him a mental disorder. What is he had a schizoid personality, or autism, or a persecution complex?
Spice up his wardrobe. Make him outside-the-box. For example, when I go out, I go out in heavy work boots, a trench coat, West German Army gloves found in a sale, and khaki pants with a belt capable of holding everything that Batman could use. It's not conventional; it's out of style, but it's utilitarian for me, and it's my style. People recognize me by the trench coat. Do something like that.
And above all, don't tell us all this crap in the first chapter. It just turns everyone off.
A diamond and obsidian katana? Sounds like someone got their knowledge of swordsmithing from Minecraft. I'll give it a read, but I don't expect anything spectacular.
Hmmm, you have my interest, I'll give a fave, hopefully this will be updated often
5929719 A lot more will happen soon. Believe me. Six more Chapters are actually done, but I'm waiting for The Great Reader to finish with the editing. Things will get more exciting, believe me.
5930017 Thanks you. I try my best.
5930176 It will. Six Chapters are done, but are being edited for the moment. It will be updated soon.
5930146 It will get interested soon. But if you don't enjoy it, it's understandable.
Alright, so you decided to open up with an exposition dump. Unless you're Hideo Kojima that's never a good idea, and even he only get's away with it because the fans let him. When it comes to this sort of story, it's better to start in medias res, and then piece together the main characters backstory gradually and naturally through references to past events and things like that. Also on the topic of the main character, he seems like the generic 'brooding guy with dark past' sort of archetype. You might to do a bit to differentiate him. You definitely don't want to make him too brooding, because a protagonist who is just completely joyless is usually pretty boring.
When one must edit an entire chapter on their own that not only requires edits, but changes to description and other elements of the chapter every so often, it'll take a few days per chapter at least lol.
I get that you are six chapters in, but I honestly think the sword should be changed. A sword made of diamond and obsidian would be pretty impractical, and improbable. Those materials are actually quite brittle pretty brittle, and the longest blade that could be made with obsidian is just about nine inches.
Maybe instead a dagger or knife made obsidian, and a steel, or titanium if it has to be that special, sword with a diamond serated edge. It follows the anime rule of cool while still being somewhat realistic.
Other then that I am interested in seeing where this goes.
So why not just use the sword against then, and dump the bodies? Besides having a weapon out in public I am pretty sure he would have won any case with a self defense plea.
that sword would explode into millions on pieces if you hit ANYTHING with it...
other than the sword this is pretty good :P
Quite a generic prologue but hopefully things' get more interesting in the next chapter. Also I wonder why couldn't Danny simply kick their asses? I mean he trained for 10 years. Those punks should've been easy to demolish.
This chapter was good but I think he should have held onto his anger a little longer I mean Rainbow did smash the only thing he has to remember his mother. I mean he should have at least brought it up before forgiving them but that's just me I guess
5931677 he still does, but he's keeping his anger in check. When he was with his grandfather, he also did meditation, which helps keep his mind and body calm.
This got boring. There's Pipsqueak, generic guy being generic hero. Saved him, and went to Ponyville. Suddenly, Rainbow Dash attack and being an asshole. Seen it.
Then the guy is being attacked by a freaking anthro and he decides to risk everything by sheathing the sword and fighting hand to hand? Why the hell not draw the sword, back away slowly, and hope she's not stupid enough to impale herself on it?
Now we have the mother's pendant, and all that crap happening, and then he's being all nice and forgiving. I've seen this dozens of times.
The human arrives in ponyland, gets hurt and misunderstood, and forgives them because they're cute, and the abusive relationship continues. For the love of God, do something original!
Make him pull out the sword and have Rainbow back off. In fact, make Rainbow be a little bit less of a headstrong cock and have her have learned from her adventures in the past 3-4 seasons depending on your interpretation. Make him slowly put down Pip and leave until the ponies want to contact him again. Make Pinkie stop being such an immature, irritating psychopathic shit. Make the freaking sword out of actual metal... I just can't even...
This guy is a pushover because he allows himself to get pushed over. It's kinda boring.
Not bad Intro, really, not bad, I'm looking forward for this story, just one thing and sorry for saying it too, the sword is not a bad idea, the obsidian edge, good idea, the diamond part? I can't say if is a bad idea since I don't know how tough a diamond trully is, or is some kind of incredible tought alloy? I'm pointing it because it will be a tough point in the future, the sword needs to be practical in case he needs to use it in the future
OTHER THAN THAT, AMAZING STORY.
nice chapter, hope to see more.
5936747 Diamonds are pretty tough material, and they can't be broken easily, but it's not truly the strongest material to be known on Earth. I've studied that the carbon Crystal that is form within a meteor is actually the toughest crystal around, at least that's what I think. So Diamonds, obsidian, meteorite and the carbon crystal are what I think are the toughest material to be known in my opinion.
We are not Homo Sapiens, we have since evolved and are now Homo Sapien Sapiens. Sorry if I sound rude I just noticed you called us Homo sapiens in your story.
5937489 nah, don't worry about it.
Since I see lots of comments about the sword and it's materials, let me hint that you'll completely understand it in the coming chapters. There will be a bit of story to how it was made and what it is actually made of. Not only will it make the sword make sense, as well as some other things, but will expand everyone's understanding of the story.
On another note, I do agree with some that the story is a bit rushed in the first two chapters, but the pacing Shadic has in the following chapters improves as it goes. Not only that but I am helping him with it as well since I am his editor, so expect continued improvement as the story progresses.
So he was trained in martial arts and sword play. Has a one of a kind sword and still gets his ass handed to him. By 3 untrained, young, naive, thugs. Wow he must be really shit and the some. And he has a fricking sword, use it. Im not saying kill, but he could of, i don't know, threatened them. And seriously how do they instantly know what the sword is actually made of, and how much its worth? Do they teach that sort of in school now a days?
Woe is me. My life is so terrible why is this like 75% of humans that make it to pony world? I'm going to keep reading in hopes that this gets better. Also diamond and obsidian are rigid as fuck that sword would break. Also diamonds explode when they get too hot.
5942060 If you look to what I've said before, the sword will make perfect sense in one of the coming chapters.
5939244 Shadic is going along the route that he didn't want to risk severely hurting Rainbow Dash or the others. If you know anything about Karate, it's not meant for anything other than self defense. That's one of the biggest things they teach those training in that form of martial arts, discipline is important to those that use it and train it.
Another good chapter. lets see what happens next
good chapter, really good.
Ware the buck did his grandfather get that many diamonds? Who just decides one day that they wanted to make a katana out of diamonds and obsidian? Any real sword smith (or jeweler) would know that a sword made from diamond wouldn't be a solid blade (if you could some how make it). It would break from the first solid impact. A diamond edged katana on the hand, sounds more plausible.
5951930 All those answers will be revealed soon in the story. Count on it.
Soon man clichés.
Awesome story and the art is really good too
. how did you get your art on here anyways?
5957446 First, thank you for enjoying my story so far. Second, to upload a pic like I did, you need to go to the source of the pic and then what I did is open the pic in a new window to copy the link to the pic. I think that's how I can explain it that simple.
5957743 thanks man I was trying to send pics on my story by using the URL like with the YouTube vids thing but wouldn't let me somehow but thank you anyways I hope this story has a sequel
5958385 OH believe me...it will. Count on it.
Please tell me you will keep this story going.
5973435 The story is still going. I'm just waiting for The Great Reader to finish the editing for the fourth chapter.
5974159 Good, because such great stories must not be left alone to die.
5974182 Oh believe me, this story is not gonna end that quickly. I actually have 4 more chapters for the great reader to edit. The ninth is still being worked on. This story is gonna end until it ends.
5943264 So being beat up, having things stolen, he couldn't use it for then, in self defence. Because I'm pretty sure that is self defence. And they mane 6 attacked him, that is also a self defence situation.
Don't get me wrong, its ok story just so generic. Human is attacked and stuff, forgives within 2 paragraphs or there about. By nature humans don't forgive so easily, and depending on your angle and view thats could not be a good thing.
not bad
loving so far :)
6011566 Thank you, and I promise, the story will get more interesting and entertaining.
Why are Twilight, Rarity, and Lyra infatuated with a creature they barely know?
This just gets better and better keep it up
6019462 Don't know about Twilight but Lyra because he's human and Rarity because she sees him as some sort of knight.
6024802
Doesn't change the fact that they barely know him.
THE FEEEEELS
great chapter
6063364 Thank you.
what inspired you to make this fanfiction anyways? besides MLP I mean lol.
6066334 Well, I was reading some really amazing fics such as The Lost Element, A Swordsman's Path to Redemption, and a show that I'm not gonna say or it will spoil the story. They inspired me so much and I wanted to create a special story of my own. I wanted to create a special story for a human that holds a special destiny and have lots of twists to it and have my human character special powers and abilities and special items no one has ever done before no the site. I ain't gonna spoil any of it, so you'll all have to wait until the story goes further.