The Tiny and Desperate Trixie
"What?!" Rainbow Dash broke the silence and threw her hooves in front of her face, flying up from her seat in a slight fit. Her face tightened in disbelief to see Trixie again, especially after all of the spells she had cast on her during her previous visits in Ponyville. "Why'd you bring her back?!"
"She's changed, Rainbow Dash! She's apologized to me for her misdeeds personally," Twilight tried to calm Rainbow Dash down and put Trixie in a better position. However, the sight of Rainbow Dash's outburst had caused Trixie to hide behind one of the map's projected mountains. "And besides, she's not going to do you any harm now. She's just a Breezie, one of Equestria's most harmless forms of life..."
"Even so, she's should still be reprimanded for her atrocities not only to fashion, but to the ponies of Ponyville as well!" Rarity chided, remembering that Trixie had cast some spells to upset her as well.
"Umm, girls?" Fluttershy tried to speak, seeing that the odds were starting to look unfavourable for Trixie. If she didn't let her voice be heard, then Trixie would most likely get the worst out of the debate.
"Ya seem ta be forgetting that Trixie is also responsible fer causin' widespread chaos, and making ponies seem inferior ta her!" Applejack sided with Rainbow Dash and Rarity, crossing her hooves when the two ponies stood beside her. "Ya see? It's three on one, Twilight. She's gotta go, right now."
"Girls?" Fluttershy's voice was a little louder than before, but it still wasn't enough to break through to her arguing friends. As she watched the four of them sling words and obscenities at each other, she walked over to Trixie and saw that she was about to shed some tears.
Trixie looked over at Fluttershy, who was approaching her with apologetic eyes. She could tell from Fluttershy's smiling face, that she wasn't like Twilight's friends. She quietly muttered something in Breezie as soon as Fluttershy was close enough to her.
"Don't worry, Trixie. I'm not like Applejack, Rarity and Rainbow Dash..." she said as she reached out for Trixie with one of her hooves. Once she felt her legs grasping tightly onto her hoof, Fluttershy said, "Now cover your ears for a second, because I'm gonna get very loud..." Once she had put Trixie into her mane, she took in a big gasp of air and screamed at the top of her voice, "EVERYPONY! STOP ARGUING!"
Fluttershy's loud voice stunned all of the mares. Within seconds, they had forgotten about what they had been arguing about and turned their attention to her. Fluttershy could feel Trixie was now looking out of the top of her mane to see what all the commotion was about.
"Is that really any way to treat Trixie in this state?" Fluttershy scolded each of the ponies in the room. She pulled Trixie out of her mane, watching her curl up once more. "Look at her. She's nothing more than a fragile Breezie now. She wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone any of you..." She then walked over to Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack, who could now see that Trixie was quivering in fear. "You three need to look her in the eyes and say sorry for saying such mean things to her..."
Trixie heard what Fluttershy had said and stopped shaking. She looked up at each of the gigantic ponies who had spoken profanities about her, and almost began to cry again. However, once she watched all three of them say, "We're sorry, Trixie..." in perfect unison, she felt a little bit better.
"See, Trixie? There's nothing to worry about..." Fluttershy smiled as she brought Trixie close to her face. "As long as I'm here, you have nothing to worry about in the slightest..." She heard Trixie mutter again in Breezie. Fluttershy translated it as a compliment and said, "You're welcome. Anything for such a sweet little thing like you..."
Once everyone had settled down, Fluttershy said, "Trixie? Do you think you could tell us how you became a Breezie in the first place?" At first, she looked at Trixie blush and try to turn away once again. Seeing that she wouldn't talk, Fluttershy encouraged her in a rather soft tone of voice, "Don't worry. I'll be sure to tell the girls what you're talking about... I practically know your new language inside and out now."
Trixie saw Fluttershy as the voice of reason and trust, so she looked up at her and cleared her throat to tell the tale. Every word that fell from her lips was the language of the Breezies, and almost counted as gibberish to the other ponies. However, Fluttershy was hanging on every word. When Trixie was finished, she looked at the mare with pleading eyes, and saw her smile before she turned to her friends.
"Alright. She says that she was wandering in the flower gardens of Baltimare, when all of a sudden, she tripped over on a branch and landed face-first into a field of flowers," Fluttershy began telling the story precisely how she had heard it. She watched Trixie nodding as she continued, which meant she was saying the right things. "Trixie was in the gardens because she was trying to get rid of some stress issues, namely to do with her life and the struggles that she had to put up with. When she tripped, she blacked out. And the next thing she knew, she had turned into a Breezie.
"The only things she kept with her was the the story and memory of her being a pony. She doesn't remember Twilight or any of the ponies in Ponyville. In fact, she hasn't seen anypony face-to-face, as she was trying to find somewhere secluded. She wanted to be safe from the dangers of the outside world..." As the story went on, she looked at Rarity who the began to sniffle at how emotional it all was. "Finally, she found her way to Ponyville, but fought against a rather violent windstorm. She'd blacked out, and when she woke up again, Twilight found her in the bush outside."
"She's frightened, girls. She's frightened and alone with nopony to comfort her..." Twilight spoke with authority, seeing all of the girls had had their attitudes almost entirely removed with the story they had heard. After it had sank into their minds, they could no longer see Trixie as a threat. "But I know that she'll make it through this frightening time, especially with the six of us at her side..."
"You might, but I'm still a little bit unsure as to whether or not Trixie really can be trusted..." Rainbow Dash's face loosened up slightly, but not enough for her to feel like Trixie was innocent. Even after what Fluttershy had scolded her for, she was still thinking that Trixie would be scheming on some way to get back at her. "Even though what you've said makes her seem harmless, I'm still keeping some of my anger inside for if it turns out Trixie's really back for revenge..."
"Anyway, while I take Fluttershy to help Trixie get acquainted with the castle, I want the four of you to start gathering the stuff to make her a nice little home." Twilight collected Fluttershy and Trixie from the group. She then turned to Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash. "Remember, Breezies are small. So think of something insect-sized, but not too small so that she can't get her way around..."
Twilight and Fluttershy walked out of the throne room, leaving the other four girls to start discussing among themselves in privacy.
"Still, I can't believe she brought Trixie back..." Rainbow Dash groaned. She would never live down the fact that Trixie was now a Breezie and that she was living with Twilight until answers could be found. "If it weren't for Twilight and Fluttershy, I'd be sending her straight off into the Everfree Forest. Hopefully, that should keep her as far away from me as possible..."
"Calm down, Rainbow Dash." Applejack helped her friend relieve the tension by applying some pressure to her shoulders. Even though Rainbow Dash was right about the fact that Trixie had made them angry, she was still trying to help her avoid throwing the poor thing away. "She might have done some bad things in the past, but what Twi said earlier is the honest truth. She's helpless now, and those cute little things aren't capable of anything mean or nasty..."
"I know you're a little steamed by this whole occurrence, but we just have to grin and bear it for the time being..." Rarity sighed, allowing the thought of Trixie to linger, but not to let it consume her entire mind.
Applejack turned to Pinkie Pie, who had been silent ever since Trixie had been shown to her. Seeing the pink mare's unusual silence, she walked over to her friend and said, "Is somethin' the matter, Pinkie Pie? Yer as silent as an Appleoosa Scorpion right now..."
"Huh?" Pinkie's attention immediately turned to Applejack. She said, "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just trying to think about what flavour of icing Breezies particularly like..." As soon as she mentioned cake, she watched Applejack's jaw drop. "They're bugs, right? So that does rule out some possibilities... But at the same time, Fluttershy fed them fruit the last time the Breezies were in Ponyville... Ohh, the decision's going to be the end of me!" she tugged on her mane, pulling out some big clumps that she then ate. After she swallowed it, it reappeared on her head as she scrunched her face.
"What?! How can ya be thinking about cake flavours at a time like this?" Applejack threw her hooves out aghast that Pinkie was focused on making cake instead of helping her and Rarity out with making Trixie a house. "We're dealing with the issue that Trixie Lulamoon, the pony who removed your mouth, is now a Breezie and that we need to make a house for her..."
"Oh! That's right! I guess the thought of cake just made it slip my mind," Pinkie Pie finally got an idea on what Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash were working on for Twilight, Fluttershy, and Trixie. She vanished in a pink blur, then came back a few seconds later carrying what looked like wood, sticks, and large bunches of leaves. "So, should we construct one out of wood? Or should we just resort to old sticks and bushes for a house?"
"Geez, Pinkie. You didn't have to get it all by yerself..." Applejack looked at how quickly it had taken her to collect all the pieces. She first thought that it was inconceivable, but then smiled when she told herself that it was Pinkie Pie who had collected it all. "But, ah guess that this is a good place to start..."
"Well, it does look a bit messy, and it'll probably ruin the hoofwork I put in this morning... but oh well. Anything for Twilight," Rarity used her magic to levitate some of the pieces of wood. "Though, if we're working on the topic of a Breezie house, I would much rather prefer some wood to leaves and sticks. And if I were making the house alone, I'd probably add some miniature furnishings as well. But, this is Trixie we're dealing with here, and she probably has minimalistic tastes now that she also has amnesia..."
"That's three..." Applejack said, counting Rarity and Pinkie Pie into the construction work. She then turned to the final mare and asked, "Now, what about you, Rainbow?"
"Me?! Why would you want me to do this?!" Rainbow jerked upwards. Construction was never really an interest of hers, as she was more into flying and co-ordinating other pegasi most of the time. "I'm no good with building stuff, not even for such tiny things as the Breezies..."
"There ain't no backin' out of this one, Rainbow Dash," Applejack told her, then rolled her eyes towards Rarity. Within seconds, a blue aura engulfed Rainbow Dash, and she didn't feel in control of her body anymore. "And besides, we'd be happy ta teach ya some of the basics if it's yer first try..."
Rainbow Dash let out a huff and said, "Fine..." before she was levitated out of the throne room. "Let's just get this over with..."
Fluttershy and Twilight were showing the breezie around the castle. For most of the time, Trixie stayed in Fluttershy's mane, but every now and again, she would pop out to get a closer look at something. Whenever she entered a room, she let out a large gasp. She had never seen a castle before, let alone the interior of one. However, while she did enjoy looking at each different room, she was finally reminded of the fact that she was tiny, and that she could very easily get lost.
"So, Fluttershy, how exactly would you say is the best way to take care of a Breezie?" Twilight asked.
"Well, they should usually be kept indoors most of the time, to avoid them falling prey to hostile winds. Other than that, their dietary recommendations mainly rely on pieces of fruit, served in itsy-bitsy portions. Next up, Breezies should always be checked on regularly, and should be fed at least four times a day. If they miss any portions of food, then they could begin to forage food on their own. My advice for that part would be to keep a feeding timetable and follow it very well..."
"Wow... you sure seem to know a lot about them, Fluttershy..." Twilight awed at how much Fluttershy knew about the species. She now put all of her trust in her, and could refer to her if she wanted to know if something afflicted Trixie at any time. "I guess helping them gather pollen was quite a learning experience for you..."
"Oh, indeed it was, Twilight. I learned more about them that nopony could ever teach," Fluttershy held out her hoof, watching the breezie grasp onto it. Once she had landed, the mare used another of her hooves to lightly brush Trixie's hair and wings, making her giggle in a high-pitched tone. "But, truth be told, Seabreeze taught me the most of these details. Which brings me to another important detail I want to mention. Breezies love it when ponies brush their hair and wings."
As the two walked down another hallway, they began to discuss which room Trixie should be kept in. They went past room after room, but eventually came to the agreement that she would have a much better living accommodation in Twilight's room, as it was close enough for Twilight to keep an eye on her and keep Trixie from getting lost.
When they arrived outside of Twilight's bedroom, they stopped. Twilight then felt a little surge of interest on the Breezies and how they lived their lives. She needed to know much more about the Breezies that what she'd already been told. She looked at Fluttershy again and said, "Fluttershy? Why exactly do the Breezies collect pollen and turn it into magic?"
"Well, from what I heard from Seabreeze and a couple of his co-workers, pollen in their home-world is converted into a special kind of magic that maintains their planet's ecology and revitalises the air and landscape," Fluttershy began. "Their flowers don't have suitable pollen, despite the fact that they grow the same way as flowers on Equestria. And whilst you could argue and say that they could very well use their flower's pollen in place of ours, it wouldn't be enough to manage the Breezies' ecology. Equestrian pollen is much more refined, and is an overall better candidate due to how fresh it is." She watched as Twilight put a hoof to her chin as she continued the explanation. "Because of this, they're sent in squads every hundred years to gather more pollen to keep their homeworld fresh and healthy. But they only have five days to make it home, otherwise the gateway seals itself for another hundred years..."
"So, the Breezies gather pollen to keep life in their world stable?" Twilight asked.
"Yes. Without the pollen from Equestria, the air in their world becomes unbreathable, and the nature begins to vanish, turning their world into a colourless void," Fluttershy confirmed. "Luckily for them, it doesn't take lots of pollen to keep their world happy and healthy, so they don't send the whole species out every time..."
"What about Trixie? Since she was once a pony, does she also have to rely on this special pollen to keep herself healthy?" Twilight asked, seeing as Trixie wasn't a part of the Breezie Home-world.
"Not exactly." Fluttershy had an idea on how Trixie would be different from other Breezies. "You see, Trixie is very capable of breathing Equestria air to stay healthy. However, she's still affected by it's winds and weather. She can also eat and drink anything that's roughly her size, like crumbs and small pieces of fruit.
"You felt it too. Right, Twilight? When we became Breezies ourselves?" Fluttershy reminded her. "We were perfectly capable of surviving without the Breezies' rules of nature, and were able to turn ourselves back just the same. And, since Trixie has a horn, she could cast spells just like you could..."
"But when do you think she'll start?" Twilight looked up at Trixie, seeing the horn poking out of her forehead. "It could take her days, weeks, maybe even months before she can cast magic as a Breezie. And even then, there haven't been any records of Breezies with the power to use unicorn magic..."
"Which is what makes it such a big discovery, Twilight," Fluttershy smiled as she pulled Trixie out of her hair and petted her gently. "Trixie's a one-of-a-kind Breezie. She's very special because of her horn. Who knows? She could even be able to help the ponies of Ponyville someday..."
"I'd like to see that." Twilight smirked as Fluttershy put the breezie back in her hair.
The girls were about to continue the conversation further, when Trixie wrapped one of her legs around some of the light pink hair and began pulling at it lightly. Once she had heard the conversation stop, she flew out of Fluttershy's hair and spoke in Breezie once more, so that she could tell the mares what her needs were.
"Oh! I'm sorry, Trixie. I guess we got a little carried away with our little conversation..." Fluttershy apologized and used her left hoof to slowly open the door to Twilight's bedroom. It took some force, but she was able to build up suspense as the door revealed the room inside. "We'll get you some food in a second. But first, I want you to see the room you'll be sleeping in..."
Trixie was once again taken aback with the room she would be living in. It bared a resemblance to Twilight's original room from the Golden Oak Library, but the walls were all made of crystal, and there was no hole to a downstairs area, as her last home used to have. However, all of the other details were still there. There was a study for Twilight to read books and write important notes for her studies, some stairs up to a mezzanine that led to the new four-poster bed, and windows to Canterlot and the rest of Ponyville. As she looked at all of the things in the room, Trixie then flew up to the bed and landed next to the stuffed animals.
Twilight giggled, seeing how content Trixie was with the colossal bedroom that she would be that she would be living in. "Looks like she's getting acquainted already... Hopefully the girls'll make her a nice house close to my bed once they get the planning done..."
"Speaking of the girls..." Fluttershy looked out of the bedroom door and saw Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie approaching them with building tools and planks of wood. They were also wearing hard-hats with ear defenders and safety goggles.
"Make sure you clean up all the shavings once you're done, okay?" Twilight instructed the group as she and Fluttershy took Trixie off of the bed and let her nestle back in their hair.
"Can do." Applejack shot her a little smile as the girls all walked into the room with their tools and planks. "Hopefully we'll be done by the end of the day, just in time fer Trixie's new bedtime..."
"And when's that, Fluttershy?" Twilight asked as soon as she and the pegasus began trotting towards the kitchen. "When exactly should I send Trixie to bed?"
"I'd say at around 8:00 PM at the latest," Fluttershy gave her the rule. She didn't stutter or feel remorse for saying it, as she had handled many different animals before. "If Breezies don't get enough sleep, then they won't be able to eat any of their food the next day..."
Trixie's stomach rumbled, and she began to get a little impatient with Fluttershy. She flew out of the hair again and began asking for food in her new tongue, but this time, it was in a more frantic tone of voice. She hoped that Fluttershy would stop dawdling with Twilight and her friends to prepare her some food, as starvation would make her abandon the ponies and make her look for food herself.
"Sorry about that, Trixie," Fluttershy felt sympathy for making Trixie desperate for food. She put her back in her mane and began to lead Twilight down to the kitchen to chop up some fruits. "We'll get you some food right about now..."
As Twilight and Fluttershy walked out of Twilight's bedroom, the two of them began to think about Trixie. More importantly, how she would cope with living under their care. Though they knew that it wouldn't be hard to take care of her, they were thinking about how Trixie felt when she was first discovered and brought back to the castle. If she remained timid, then they knew that she would begin to hesitate to eat and keep healthy. They would have to do everything in their power to keep her pleased and well-raised until answers were found.
The ponies who were working on the new home were all thinking about her well-being as well. However, they thought about what kind of house she should have. If it was too large and over-furnished, then she probably would be spoiled and go back to her obsessive ways and make the lives of everypony a misery once again. But at the same time, if it was under-furnished and not capable of housing a Breezie like Trixie, then she would believe that the ponies all hated her and would think that she was a bad guest to have around the castle. They needed to think and plan on the perfect house for Trixie, one that she would think was the suitable house to live in.
As the groups parted ways, they all shared the same thoughts. Trixie would be hard to care for, but they would all try to do the best that they could, no matter the challenges.
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¿is the poison joke?.
5948574
That wouldn't explain the amnesia, so far we know Poison Joke only does physical things to a pony not mental. Also though I'm not sure but does Poison Joke only grow in the everfree Forest?
Wow, that was an intense chapter. Great job.
I get the feeling Trixie was comatose and was saved by breezie magic that turned her into one. Wonder if it's true or if I'm wrong?
Other than my speculation can't wait to see how the first day in the castle will be for Breezie Trixie.
Maybe try Twilight sat in the throne room of her castle, peering at the map inquisitively.
It will sound better with she would never place a hoof outside of the castle again;
This is only my opinion, but I just can't see Pinkie saying technically you can for example change it to She's just keeping
I'm unsure, but I think this may be more correct while grabbing Pinkie off of the map and making her sit down again.
You should change this to:She could discuss with Miss Cheerilee how the fillies and colts were getting along in their studies.
And: Or, she could meet Mayor Mare to talk about politics and discuss upgrades and various other changes to the kingdom.
I think that will sound much better.
for quite some time now,
some jokes
I'm unsure, but maybe it should be She
Drop the with
Maybe try this: However, the next thing that catched her sight was not on the road itself, but a small sparkle in a nearby bush.
Drop the know and it will sound better
You should really change sleeping to laying because at this point we still don't know it's a living creature, plus you say that it was sleeping also later in the next sentence or so.
"But why is it all alone?
Perhaps: After looking more at the small Breezie, Twilight remembered something.
I know somebody else already commented on this, but this sentence...just no. Believe me, your story is better of without it.
could be dangerous
that made her scared
room with the map or throne room might be better
You use eventually a lot
You might want to rewrite this, first of all, they would not believe she haves a boyfriend after such a short trip(plus it's called coltfriend) and they would probably not think as far as to marriage, but more of teasing her for who this special somepony is.
Overall I really like the story, it's original and you have no errors other than
Sorry my last comment ended so abruptly, but I had to go help someone.
Anyways, what I was going to comment was that you have no errors other than sentence structure, that's really good!
I really hope my last comment helps you, i took quite a while!
So yeah, nice story, i'm definely tracking this one, and if you work on the sentence structure it will be even better!
5950925 There we are. All neat and tidy...
Trixie is also
..."She said
I'm pretty sure it should be forgotten what they were arguing about,
Should it maybe be Twilight found her waking up
After the story had sank into their minds,
Drop the earlier
"Oh, indeed it was, Twilight.
This doesn't sound right, maybe you should try: I learned much more about them than than anypony could ever teach."
As the two walked down
Drop the that
bedroom, they stopped.
Twilight thought
when she first was discovered
one she would think was the suitable house to live in.
Try no matter the challenges.
Well, that was the errors I could find, and I hope it's helpful.
Good luck with getting the story to EQD!
I've reviewed your story for you, you can find it here. Don't worry, I was a lot less harsh on it than your last one.
Remember the expression "Show, don't tell"? This story has a lot of "tell" instead of "show". I.e. we're told what the characters feel and think rather than shown in a natural way. This is something that makes a story feel unnatural and clumsy, so you should keep a close eye on it. Try to get into the head of the character when you want them to feel a certain thing - how would it affect their speech, their body language and tells, how would it color their thoughts? Emoting is important, and actually not very hard, so I recommend putting thought into it.
I can't get behind the sheer unmotivated hostility from RD, AJ and Rarity. This is a breezie, a creature roughly as dangerous as a soap bubble, and she hasn't done anything fiercer than cowering. You'd have to be extremely paranoid to think that this is part of some kind of elaborate master plan, and it really doesn't suit them, especially not RD. (Responding angrily to threats and insults? Sure. Threatening to kill a defenseless pony? Uh, no.) It just seems too over the top. (Yes, I know it's been done in other stories. Didn't like it there either.)
5972464 Thank you for letting me know, Mooncalf. I'll get on it once I get back from school.
5972464 If there are any more Show VS Tell instances, be sure to let me know, Okay?
5973851 I'll try. I'm glad you're not getting defensive about it. Some people can't take honest criticism, you know?
I'll keep an eye out and let you know how you're doing, 'k? 'K.
This was an interesting chapter, the idea of Trixie having amnesia is interesting. It's a good way of making it possible for Trixie to be completely dependant on Twilight without the issue of guilt and / or anger.