Take care of yourself, okay?
Scootaloo can finally fly. She does an air show for her friends and the whole town. Problem is, no one except her friends liked the air show. Scootaloo is crushed. She writes letters to Rainbow Dash for guidance, and learns an important lesson.
Cover Art credit goes to Rainbow Screen http://rainbowscreen.deviantart.com/art/Scootaloo-287842168
There is a sequel to this story: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/264181/lead-me-out-of-the-dark
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I think this is an intresting premise, but your chapters are way too short. I haven't read the rest of them yet but a glaring omission in this one is What the ponies didn't like about the air show. You just leave it at:
Well what did they say? How did she know they didn't like it? etc etc.
Also this needs an editor. Words after a period are capitalized, you don't do that.
It's Cloudsdale, and again this needs to be longer.
Why is your chapter split into 12 ridiculously short parts? 3k words is really short for anything but just one chapter.
5951831 Thanks for the advice!
And the shift key on the computer I was using wasn't working.
5951876 Alright I'll try to make my chapters longer next time.
In the first paragraph they word 'here' seems to be used just too close. It's alright overall but maybe instead of ever since I got here it could be arrived etc, so it'd flow a bit better.
I'm off to keep reading the fic!
"Treated her younger" flows oddly, try treated her differently.
'Filly Hood' should be like sisterhood or motherhood and be one word.
" She remembers being pushed to the ground." 'Remembers' Idk it might be just me. just sounds odd "she remembered " might work better, again might just be me.
Apple Jack is one word Applejack. Sugar Cube is one word as well Sugarcube.
Right after the sentence Fresh smell of hay, comfy blanket apple Bloom's needs Apple with a cap A.
The letter at the end " But I can't go back." that is used right after each other comes off as repetitive.
Maybe it could be this. " I miss you too. I just can't return." and perhaps cut out "But I can't go back, I musn't go back. I got to keep going." it can be kept but maybe " I just have to keep moving forward." would flow better.
"I was flapping my wings as hard as i could." 'I' needs to be capitalized.
"Both kinds of tired." this is not detailed really and could use something more descriptive to flush it out and flow better. Such as " Both mentally and physically."
"I never slep't well. I always had problems sleeping." this comes off as kind of repetitive again. " I never slep't well. I always had problems with the night." might flow better.
The second "I'm just so tired." to flow better could be changed to. " I just feel so drained."
"So stressed so," I'd cut out that second so.
Last " down down down" should be "down,down,down" I think.
6591197 thank you for your feedback. I had trouble with captalization beacuse the laptop I was using at school shift key wasn't working well. And I am thinking of getting an editor for my stories. I think thay migth help me a little.
the feels!
