Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are set to spend the weekend together, thanks to some bending of the truth when they told their parents where they'd be off to. The fun stuff they have planned can get started as soon as they find a neat new hiding spot that Diamond Tiara ran across her last time in the forest. But the cave isn't as easy to find as DT remembers, and a misstep in the forest can be disastrous if somepony isn't paying attention. What will Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon do when they get themselves into a mess there doesn't seem to be a way out of? And why does Diamond Tiara keep coming back to the same question over and over again?
Warning: This story is sad and kind of dark, so if you don't like those kind of stories then please don't read it. :x
Thank you to the artist Maytee for drawing such an amazing piece of art that I could use as the cover. If it's not okay, please let me know :x
so feely!
i think it needs some sort of ending, where they somehow get saved, and what kind of impacts the event had in their lives!
great work! keep it up, you are great at feely stuff!
Honestly, as it is, I don't really like this. It's mainly because I don't typically read dark stories, and I don't like DT being portrayed as a bad pony. I think she has a lot of potential, but most just go with making her nasty. That being said, you did a fairly decent job here.
There are three things I want to point out. First off, you start the story with a weather report, which you really don't want to do. Let's look at the first paragraph:
Do we really need to know that it is a Saturday? Or that it's June? The rest of the paragraph repeats that it is sunny, and your other descriptions give the feel that it's afternoon, so you can completely omit the first part of the first sentence.
The second thing is toward the beginning, you switch to Silver Spoon's POV a couple of times which was a bit discombobulating to me. This story is predominately DT's perspective, so it should stay that way. Here is an example of the POV switch:
You switch POVs just to tell us how Silver is feeling. You shouldn't do this. Instead, you should keep the story in DT's POV and show us how Silver Spoon feels through body language and dialogue. For example, Silver should actually speak the part about how DT can find herself home in a place like this.
Lastly, I agree with 6014330 about the ending. As it is, this kind of feels like you just got bored with writing it and stopped here. I mean, the ending ends just like every other segment ends. Nothing changes, it just ends. What you could have done was include another character (maybe a CMC?), and have them notice the two enter the woods. Then, in between the segments of DT and Silver lying helplessly together, you can have the other character go in looking for them, and maybe finding them and going back for help. That would help fill in the segments so the story won't feel so choppy. it would also help to give the story a real ending.
Okay, enough of the bad, let's talk about the good! You are great at scene building and as Omegapex said, you are great at emotions too. I also liked DT's musing, they really fit well and brought out the themes of the story. Although I didn't like this myself (it's just personal preference, so don't let it bother you), I acknowledge that you did a pretty good job and definitely have a talent, you just need to watch the POV jumps and make sure you have a solid ending before starting. I wish you the best of luck with this story, as well as any other you may write in the future!
Been hours now and I still can't see what this was aiming to tell. Is it that regardless of good or bad, stuff just happens?
I'm surprised this doesn't have a tragedy tag. Because, you know, protagonists hope and hold out, yet hope never comes? I think that qualifies as a Tragedy.
Some gaps between the days could have used some filling. No idea if Silver died days ago or on the sixth day. No murmurings of apologies, no character breakdowns. Nothing. Diamond Tiara is unable to let herself break even in the face of despair? That's quite a strong filly, or just very stubborn. Or was the apology for getting Silver stuck with her or not returning her affection or simply for being dumb enough to go some backwaters way through a dangerous forest where she had no clue where she was going? :P
I really enjoyed the beginning. But it was near the halfway point that it just felt like it started to skim over stuff, as I mentioned earlier. Just hopeless despair.
Honestly, I'd probably feel more if this was the CMC, as it'd just make more sense anyhow with how rambunctious they are, how prone to accidents they are, and how it breaks three very happy ponies who have all the luck on their side most every time. Depict somepony like Sweetie Belle under that rock (Btw, did love Silver Spoon's moment and her devotion to Tiara, even if lied to she seemed to feel okay with going knowing her friend would live on. And d'aww at that Diamond laying on her mane) and see if you could end the story in a similar fashion.
There are just too many of these stories out there, though this one was probably one of the better ones in terms of "Sometimes sh*t just happens" fics. It's easy to write stories like these I find within the fandom with these two. It's another, and more interesting I might argue, when it's done with characters the fandom are supposed to like such as the CMC or Mane 6.
Either way, decent job. Could use less time skips. More talking or variety in what Diamond thinks up, or show her reminiscing about stuff, show us more Silver or Mr. Rich. Play up the guilt and regrets beyond just "maybe I shouldn't have teased the CMC so much" type regrets. Maybe have Silver force out her affections for Diamond and being sorry for always grossing her out, maybe show she was thankful for Diamond putting up with her weirdness? Hard to talk when under a boulder and bottom lips all but bitten off though...
Problem with limiting yourself with an impromptu landslide that somehow missed Tiara. I did notice the thread before. And it was no secret who you meant or what the ponies were about.
I'd still say to post this story regardless of what people say about it, including myself. It's your story to tell. But generally, from my experience, the TYPE of people who have to write a post asking if they should or how some will be upset (even some who purposefully 180 a story to TRY and see if they can upset) others, is because they know what their intentions were and how the fic would likely be received before even posting it.
At least, in your case, it was your first story. Not a very filling one, and didn't seek to break any new grounds, but it was still a good dark fic with places that could be cut out to speed up the fic or gaps filled to make stuff feel less empty. And if possible, you really should add that Tragedy tag.
Dark fics usually pray more on looming threats or a fear of potentially being followed or what have you, but can end on a happy note. This fic just dives right into the gory hopelessness that to even think the characters would attempt to delude themselves in being rescued just cries insanity.
6014330
I agree, this is a very well done story. I touches well on regret and introspection.
I think any kind of ending, even an implied one, would make it better. If they both survive, if one dies, if both die, there are chances for the characters to grow. As well as who saves them, if anypony does. I don't know why, but I did expect the CMCs to be the ones to find them. They are often in the woods doing random things, after all.
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Oh my gosh, thank you so much everyone for sharing your thoughts! I'm blown away to see how detailed some people got with their comments. :)
I know an author justifying their story is the worst thing, so I won't say anything other than thank you--except that I'm still happy with where the story ended and I chose to stop it there for a good reason. :p
Thank you again everyone for your thoughts. I hope I can do better with my next story. :)
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I, personally, think it was a great success for a fic. True, time skips did bring some confusion and I had to check and reread to see exactly when Silver died (I was partially convinced she hadn't, for a little bit) but as for the depth of emotion within Tiara, I could actually feel her anguish in the circumstance - that's definitely that takes some raw talent to achieve. Kudos! Whether or not Diamond Tiara was previously convinced she was a 'bad pony' prior to the situation, any person (pony?) stuck watching their friend (and suspecting crush-bearer) die beneath several tons of rock would make them reevaluate their life - you made that entirely believable as well, not just a whining 'woe-is-me' scenario... but raw, honestly believable reflections. Double kudos! Lastly, albeit I'm not a Gore fan - sorry, Quentin Tarantino - I did also note how tactfully you described what DT saw, felt and tasted. You painted the picture, but not bordering on nigh-fetish level ravenous bloodlust. Triple kudos!
Only thing I could say with any criticism is maybe slow down, walk away from your story, then reread it from an objective POV - kinda how an artist would with a drawing or painting. Might help a little with seeing the time-lapse holes and rushed/lacking scene constructions... I know how easy it is to overlook things like that when you've been staring at the screen so long and the story also comes out as complete in your head, regardless if it does on Word. I could also agree that maybe more depth between the two character's interaction might be warranted, but I wouldn't be saying a whole lot if I was under those boulders. If nothing else, maybe a few flashbacks to deepen the 'despair' mood or deepen DT's recollections/regrets - something to fill in the times between lights on and lights off. Just a thought.
But overall, even lacking a direct ending (implied endings are kinda a Tragedy trademark anyway), I enjoyed the dark story thoroughly. Sucked me in, beat me up a bit emotionally, and spat me out saying 'what just happened...?', as it should.
Looking forward to your next story! And looking forward to actually writing one myself!
I personally enjoyed this story very much. First of all, you have great description skills. Whether it's painting a scene or expressing the characters' emotions, you did an awesome job with it.
Second of all, the abrupt crumbling and falling-apart of the forest floor was quite the unexpected development. It added that element of surprise that dark stories can have.
Third, and this one is actually kinda bad, but I personally don't like the way you made Diamond Tiara completely ignore Silver Spoon's personal affections and even her death. Not only did she obviously dislike the idea of Silver Spoon loving her - the way DT disregarded Silver's feelings was kinda cold - but DT didn't shed a single tear when Silver Spoon died. Diamond must have a seriously strong resolve.
Finally, and this one is also bad, but I personally feel that you repetitively established the hopelessness and anguish of the situation instead of creating more character development. You could have had DT make deeper moral reflections than 'did I deserve this' - perhaps focus on the way she behaved around and treated others - or you could have made Silver at least say how much Diamond really meant to her. That last suggestion is cliche but still sweet nonetheless.
Overall, I liked this story a lot, even if there were a couple of elements about it that did not appeal to me as much. Of course this is your story, so do what it is that you wish to do. Free will and creativity and everything like that am I right?