MARINEav8r
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This is not a smart move. I admire your courage. But this is doomed for failure. The FoE hater will downvote without reading. The FoE fans will downvote once they saw the description and think it's another annoying fix fic and downvote.
Note: I do not dislike your story, it's not bad.
Hey there! Congratulations on publishing your first fanfic here on FimFiction ^_^
Well, seeing as it's a Post-FoE story, there's a few things you should remember: You're going to earn lots of downvotes from people who absolutely hate the setting and everything remotely associated with it, without reading a single line of your work. Unfortunate, but true. That's why I suggest you don't take the voting bar too seriously here.
Just write what you want! If someone has valid criticism they're free to write it in a comment, after all.
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/817/493/e77.jpg
It's always interesting to see new writers prop up and take a stab at writing FoE content. Having read over this, I'm going to make an assumption in that you might be a new writer? I only ask because you show a lot of the common new writer signs, such as moving a little too fast with the content. I had a little trouble following the action at times, and the ending is a little abrupt. If you don't mind a little friendly advise from one writer to another, feel free to slow down a little with the pacing of your chapters, and show the content rather than tell the reader what is happening. Readers make a stronger emotional connection by reading what characters go through rather than having a narrator tell the reader this and that happened next. I know it sounds a little tricky, so I would suggest expanding your focus - show the reader the cell the mares are in. Is it cold and dirty? Is there just one cell? Can they hear Dust screaming during her time on that sybian? Explore the five senses when you can, and make the reader feel what the characters are going through.
Again just a little advice, not at all trying to tell you how to write. I hope you keep at it and that, most of all, you have fun writing this.
Come on though... WELL WRITTEN?
Aside from TWO fics that I actually like because they go a bit deeper with the setting and show it from a pony POV, the majority is Extremely Mary suish, overly exaggerated (and probably wishful thinking) porn.
And I can't read any of those without imagining the author as the fedoraest of bronies trying to get off hating women.
5891959 Thank you. At the moment, I am only setting the stage, and introducing the situation, but you are right.
5891918
5891943
I am actually working with non_creepy_nickname to make it fit into canon, and then make an alternate ending with a not-so-dark ending.
5892139
That does sound interesting alright! I know many people believe NCN is this horrible and evil person, but he's honestly not. Thinking that way just makes them feel better about themselves.
I wish you best of luck; I'll definitely check in again! Oh, and I can only stress taking Sirius' advice to heart, he knows what he's talking about.
I'm sort of new here too, or at least only recently exiting lurk mode, partly because I'm also considering publishing my own FoE based story. As a fellow perspective author (and one who actually has published works elsewhere before), I might recommend that you save the testimonial explaining why you're doing this for the author's notes.
The information in the actual front-cover description shouldn't be about you, it should be about your story and provide a short introductory summary of events or themes you intend to explore. Basically it's your first and really only chance to catche an audience's attention. It needs to be something that inspires interest and makes them curios enough to actually click that first chapter and start reading.
Regardless, here's wishing you the best of luck with this story.
5891995
Personally I'd say it's more like two authors rather than just two stories which go that extra bit deeper, and between the two of them they make up over half of the officially published canon. Though really, even if there was only ONE good story, I think it would still justify everything else bad about the setting if only for having made that ONE god story possible in the first place.
Also the more appropriate trope to site as flaw in the setting would be Villain Sue, which the caribou would qualify as if they stories were actually about them, but that's not really the case. The stories are more so about the ponies, and it's not about their fight against an oppressive regime, but rather a struggles to adapt and survive in this nightmarish world from which they really have no hope of escape. In that context the caribou aren't really so much villains as they are envoys of the apocalypse a sort of "natural disaster" in that just so happens to take the shape of an invading army.
Not Bad. I've been thinking of writing my own rise story because I HATE THE FALL, but the stories so well written and I want to see if things ever get better
He makes himself look like some demented combination of Vox Day and John Wright, ith a dash of Coconut/Marjan Siklic (the man arrested for demanding a judge provide him with a girlfriend then threatening her.) How d you fix someone with a reputation thatis basically "Worst human in a peaceful society?"
5892155
5892507
By that logic, George Orwell was a facist because he wrote Nineteen Eighty-Four.
I actually quite enjoy that reference. Are you saying that NCN is actually a feminist woman explaining in excruciating detail the dangers and insanity of MRA domination, to the point of creatig a new language and crafting social and political documents that will live beyond the era in whichthey were written? If not, I maintain that NCN is misnamed. "Creepy Creeperson the Creepyside Creeper of Creep" might get slightly nearer.
5892551
5892574
You've noted in the past how you've come to know folks/already knew folks who came to do some seriously fetishy stuff. And you noted how it often turned out they are actually normal people, not monsters. Have you ever considered that maybe you keep jumping to conclusions?
You want to know what the difference is between Marjan Siklic and non_creepy_nickname? The latter never said he actually wants that in real life. You seem to believe everything a person writes always reflects their personal and/or political beliefs 100%. But that's not how people generally operate.
Do you think folks who play violent videogames are betraying a need to kill? Or who watch gore movies? I know a girl who loves gore flicks, the more violent the better. She works as a nurse. In casualty. Because she wants to help people.
I joined Post-FoE because it explicitly wasn't about hurling personal insults around, but... isn't that pretty much what you're doing here? And over with FoE: Hearts&Hooves Day, too?
Admire you concept of starting a revolution in the Fall universe. I'm going to assume your comment about Applejack neutering her brother was a rumor without basis in reality because while the Big Mac in the non-canon story might deserve that, maybe. The one in the Canon story Bruised Apples would never be at risk of that from Applejack.
If it really did happen in your head canon, I would suggest you read Bruised Apples and adjust accordingly. No need for a revision. Rainbow Dash could just find out later that it wasn't true.
You might put out a request for a pre-reader or two. If you can find someone who's good at grammar and spotting typos it can make a huge difference in the presentation of your story.
Interesting. Not seeing the reason for the hoof the the balls rumor however. Won't that get her into deep shit, with no upside?
Did like that Big Mac had a reaction to Applejack's nudity and position. Always thought it would speak better of him if he had urges, and didn't act on them than if he simply did not have urges at all.
Mind you, I can accept the idea that he is so mentally disgusted by the situation that he's shut down his libido in reaction.
But if you're continuing the story line started in the last chapter of Bruised Apples where he was going to gather up mares from his family and protect them from the worst in the same way Braeburn does, I'd sort of like to see him padding the deception by becoming sexually active, publicly. As part of the show he and the mares put on for the outside population.
His personal battle is to deal with the fact that he does enjoy the sex once he gets past his mental blocks. But that's just my personal wish list. My liking of your story is certainly no conditional on that being the case.
5895050 thank you for the input.
5898867 Haven't read that one yet. Is that FoE:FoE?
Anyways, this is going to be a little different from the other entries, as you can probably guess from the title.
I'm keeping it as close to canon (which means editing my finished chapters to fit), but there is a certain element that ncn didn't approve of having in his/her fan works or canon folders. Keep reading to find out what I mean.
I know exactly what you mean too, when you say "personal issues". FoE, except for possibly "Bruised Apples" as it stands now, really conflicts with my personal and professional ethics.
Until recently, I thought that ncn might possibly make an ending that isn't... as dark as it the story is now, but my recent conversations make me really doubt that.
That said, I have been thinking about 5892551 's arguments in ncn's defense and I wonder if there is a particular theme or argument that he/she is making.
That said, I have no intention to stop reading the canon story, as it does have a certain degree of suspense, and I would like to see where it leads.
Who knows, perhaps I'm wrong about ncn's intentions about the endings, and the canon ending will be even better than mine.
....But I doubt it.
One thing that does bother me is that people keep voting this down before I really get the story moving- I'm just setting it up right now.
Oh well, that is what 5891918 warned me about, and I really didn't expect any less....
So you're breaking this off as a collaboration with NCN?
I'm disappointed, but not surprised. Disappointed because I had hoped that NCN had softened somewhat in his attitude toward there being a hopeful conclusion to his universe.
However. This does give you more freedom to play with.
I am curious. Did the most recent chapter of Bruised Apples inspire you to actually start working on this project?
because after reading that chapter I found myself actually plotting story lines in my head for FOE for the first time, centering around the hidden resistance and the idea that you might have some groups of ponies play-acting they are good masters and slaves in order to stay under the radar while waiting for a chance, and chance, to change things.
everyone claims that what they don't like the hopelessness of FoE. Meanwhile stories like Besides the Will of Evil get tons up upvotes despite reviewers basically telling the writer that they don't believe there can be a happy ending the way he's going. And Alex Warlorn recently posted a story where the Mane 6 get brainwashed by Starlight Glimmer and effectively begin spreading the equality cutie mark in a way that says they won't lose. It's very popular.
The difference between these stories is that mares don't have to call themselves cunts
5900607 I had actually been thinking about doing this for a while, but Bruised Apples is what pushed me to actually write it.
5900782 I haven't heard of those, although I get the impression that they aren't clop and don't have mutilation, beatings, and rape.
5900782
Exactly. I have said before that the main reason FoE gets more scrutiny and hate is because of the blatant shows of mysoginy. Other stories that deal with mind control get hate, sure, but if you look at stories like Equestrian Trainers Society, they have both male and female slaves and masters. The problem is the hyper-objectification going only one way.
Now, that's not a condemnation. That's the point, in fact. The overt subjugation is part of the fantasy, and that's fine. To each his own, ya dig? But you have to be aware that is a tender spot for a lot of people.
5892670
While I agree with you on most points—that enjoying violent or grotesque content doesn't make you a bad person—NCN still doesn't do much to portray himself in a positive light. For example, his refusal to allow Smudge Proof to make parody/anti-Fall artwork. Hell, in that one futa parody series Smudge made, NCN asked him to take down one picture because a character was supposed to merely represent Dainn. It didn't look anything like a caribou!
Now, I am not saying he's a bad person. I've chatted with him just a bit when I was asking permission for Smudge to draw my anti-Fall picture(which, again, he refused), and NCN struck me as an okay guy. That's why I don't hate on the fans for the fetish content(I only hate the story, because it's stupid and contrived as all hell). But NCN doesn't do himself many favors by not having a sense of humor or humility about his creation. But, I guess I understand. If I was such a punching bag for the SJW crowd, if get tired of it, too. Just saying that when dealing with an AU this absurd, a bit of your tongue should be in your cheek.
5892574
Dude, I get your points, but the guy has a point. I listen to Cannibal Corpse. Does that mean I want to fuck someone with a Knife, or stone someone to death with severed heads? No. I just like the music.
Oh, right! The story! Heh, sorry.
You have some good elements in here, author. But you should slow it down a bit, like 5891959 said. You can't just tell us they had a traumatic experience, we need to experience it ourselves. Show us what they see, hear, smell, etc. take your time, draw us into the scene. Let the reader figure some stuff out for themselves.
Also, great line here. Some people tend to forget that a good deal of the stallions are just as victimized as the mares. I once had an idea of what would happen if Shining Armor suddenly snapped out of mind control and realized what he had done to his wife and baby sister...
5917493
Thanks for the criticism. I am trying to slow myself down now that I've finished setting the scene.
In all honesty, I'm not much of a writer. In fact, I'm a combat aviator, so speed and briefness are natural for me.
5917771
Oh! Well, in that case, this is th single greatest story ever written, sir! Your mastery of the English language is beyond reproach, sir! A lowly staff sergeant like myself could only hope to glance upon the brilliance that is your talent, sir!
You vet or active?
5917805
5917891
Thinking on it, if you ARE an aviator, that would make you the highest ranking military Brony that we know of.
5917898
Actually, I heard somewhere that Captain Hall on the America is a one. As for me, I'm just a Lieutenant. I'm fairly sure there are offices above me that consider themselves bronies.
5917482
That's actually about the same sense I got. A bit stiff, a bit blunt, but overall okay.
As for the point about humor, maybe you're right. However, if past experience is any indication, you can't please the people who don't on principle like what you like, and it's not worth trying. Valid criticism is one thing, but if people tell you not to put in any effort whatsoever just so they can more easily dismiss the whole thing as worthless... Well, you get the idea.
Still, perhaps it wouldn't hurt to see everything a little more relaxed!
5919022
I think it would be hilarious to read a story that is a full on parody. Like, imagine the introduction and setup for a typical Fall fic, but right when it gets hot, a voice yells "CUT!" And we pull back to see it as a porn set.
5919078
I really like that idea!
Oh God, I can totally see Dainn be all chipper when the camera's off. Like, joke around with Pinkie Pie stuff, but he has to play the soupuss whenever he's on. Plus he gets sad because he's sent a ton of hate mail for being a Villain Stu.
Discord and Celestia desperately try and fail to hide their relationship behind the set.
Luna's the kinkiest mare on set, but she's really into playing the struggling prisoner. Also, her first few partners ended up deaf for a few days.
Cadance directs the whole thing. She keeps putting her Shiny into prominent roles because she thinks he's so adorable when he 's acting like a big meanie.
And Chrysalis is the producer.
5919133
"Damnit, Dainn! The script says 'PINCH nipple," not rip the damn thing off!"
"I SAID I was sorry, Applejack!"
"Well, Sorry don't heal my achin' titty, now do it?!"
"Oh, you liked it and you know it." *wink*
"W-well, I... S-s-Shut up!"
"Hey, can we get the prop department in here?! Spike's second dick keeps falling off because he won't stop picking at it!"
"Sorry! It itches!"
"Okay, Shiny sweetie! It's time for Twilight's double anal scene with you and Soarin!"
"Uh, Caddy, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with..."
"Do it, and I'll..." *whispers in his ear*
*gulp, blush* "Okay, LSBFF! Bend over and spread 'em!"
5919166
My sides! Somebody write that!
But seriously, I have a somewhat similar scene coming up in a few chapters.... No spoilers though
5919166
Wait, they mention and then runninf. Did Rarity escape?
Interesting story, but I look forward to them fighting back. Hints are dropped earlier in the story like black collar escapes and pony's like Big Mac and Braeburn aren't under the spell. Now we have RD and crew escaping. How soon till they gather together? And how will they fight? Guerrilla warfare? Seizure of out of the asset they can parlay into protection?
5920128
(grins evilly)
5919336
Also had an idea for Pinkie. I see her tied to a chair in some small room. Dainn walks in alone and tries to use his powers to get inside her head. Cut to 45 minutes later, a caribou guard is banging on the door because there hasn't been a sound since the king went in. He breaks the door down to see Pinkie humming to herself, still tied to the chair, counting ceiling tiles, while Dainn is curled up in the corner, rocking back and forth.
"C-Confetti... c-c-confetti everywhere..."
"My lord! What happened?!"
"S-so... m-m-many streamers!"
*Guard turns to Pinkie* "What did you do to him, bitch?!"
"I don't know! All I did was ask him his favorite flavor of cupcake."
*Dainn stands up and grabs the guard's collar* "The gummi bears... the gummi bears... THE GUMMI BE-HE-HE-HE-HEEEAAARRRSSSS!!!!
Best defense against mind control: complete bat-shit insanity.
I won't suggest you just claiming it be a sequel when the author didn't say it is.
5927713 I got permission from NCN.
5934567
NCN might have been the father of FoE, but Bruised Apples is written by Schorl Tourmaline, having NCN's permission doesn't mean it's a sequel for Bruised Apples.
Plus, I'm certain NCN no longer acknowledge this as cannon or part of FoE, as this story was removed from FoE group story list.
If you want this story to be sequel for Bruised Apples, contact Schorl Tourmaline instead of NCN, it's not NCN's story.
5934900
Your concerns are valid. However, schorl directed me to NCN, who said that I could list this as a sequel, as it is intended to take place after Bruised Apples, but refused to acknowledge it as part of his canon series.
5935238
well, if they're ok with it, then you should be ok.
Youch, that's something I bet people haven't thought of. Beneath the collars and wing sheaths there got to problems. And eventually ones that could start killing pegasi and even other mares if there isn't care taken.
5941034
Bingo.
I have a pet parakeet, she is 9 years old now, that had a skin condition that occasionally restricted the growth of her flight feathers. Because of the resulting irritation, she began plucking her feathers, and we had to put a plastic cone on her neck to stop her. This, unfortunately, made it impossible for her to preen while we were treating the condition, so during molting, feathers got stuck and we had to groom her ourselves.
It was on this experience that I based the removal of the wing sheaths.
5921821
Sorry for the late reply, but... why isn't this something in the Post-FoE forum? It's fun, it's not hateful, everyone can put something in if they like. Sounds perfect, no?