Lightning Storm had a good life, she had two loving parents, a brother, and two sisters. One night all that changed and she lost all of it.
(A complete rewrite of my first story)
Chapters (12)
- Member Since 6th Feb, 2014
- offline last seen Nov 2nd, 2023
Okami1197
I am the leader of the Titan Defenders. The shield of those who cannot fight.
Okami1197
Joined 6th Feb, 2014 ·
Offline
Sequels2
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Okami1197 · 1.2k words · 245 views
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Nice chapter I just couldn't bare not hearing some more.
6797349 In time. I am currently writing more so if we are all lucky I won't get distracted and things won't come up I might get another out this week,
6797517 yay
You have my attention! Talk about quite the opening!
That happened...
6875216 just wait it gets more interesting
Ouch, that's gonna smart in the morning!
6875253 yes it will
A flying metal machine....
Oh hell no....
6875270 it is not what you are thinking. Probably.
Throne, so many feels!
Holy Throne! That was unexpected!
6875297 never take something from a thestral. Bad things happen.
Nice choice of songs!
Oh boy, that dragon is gonna get it!
It was aw some
Cant wait for more
The mystery deepens...
War... War never changes...
Yes new chapter I cant wait for the next
Damn....
6887973 Don't worry I am trying to get the sequel up as soon as possible. There will be two one is fully written that dives into some character backstory and another that is the actual sequel.
GUNS WE NEED BIG GUNS
6889464
MOAR DAKKA! WE'Z NEEDZ ALL DA DAKKA!
6910749 YES
If Lightning Storm was voiced, what would she sound like?
6950986 I say she would sound like Amy Lee from Evanescence.
traveling
to do
commission
you are or you're
my?
missing opening quote
can i say a fuckstorm of epic fucking proportions is brewing?
needed
missing opening quote
whole
saying
your
things
killer
ensure
had throw
where
throw
should be I'm sorry I threw you out a window mom
two
you is unnecessary and closish should be spelt close-ish
not sure what you meant to say here
are
should go happy to know
service
their
racist
rapped
Twily
us
really? use one or the other
were
pegasi
both words wrong dont kow what you were trying to say
the
HEY!
Mad for no reason!?
YOU ATTACKED HER FOR HER TRYING TO TALK TO YOU! WHO WOULDN'T BE PISSED!!!!
I'm sorry, what?
Okay, I've seen enough. WARNING: SPOILERS IN THIS QUICK REVIEW
This is a good story and very good, if not great, concepts. This alone will get this story on my "good shelf" list.
However, I feel that I have to down vote it. Mainly for you're lacking ability to keep a constant story.
I can see that your trying to separate this into arcs one for the return of the Princess of War and the Prince of Void (Though you didn't show us who she used as sacrifices), one for her adopted son's life, and one for the war between Equestria and the Dragons. But you are moving everything Far too quickly, so quickly that you skip several key features: such as the fact that Storm and Celestia apparently hated each other? They only had one fight and afterwards Celestia said that it would start a golden age, now that would be okay (or great depending on how clever you are with the morals of both sisters) but we only saw the beginning (which only showed how unnecessary the fight was) and the end result so we didn't have any change of heart from Celestia, which most likely happened during the fight.
Then suddenly, We switch to Storm's past that we never see and the bond with her son, with you did well but was short.
Then suddenly, we change perspective immediately to the son's point of view, when his mother was still being treated by Fluttershy.
Then suddenly, HE'S DEAD! When we barely got to understand him!
The main point that I'm trying to imply is that you have fallen to the same issue that several authors have fallen to, you're making your story too short for what you actually need it to be. This is an issue because we readers want to see the plight of your characters, I myself really want to see several sessions of Storm and Fluttershy talking about Storm's bloodlust, with her son occasionally complaining about the "weird looks everypony gives him," I want to see Celestia and Storm work hard to get past their differences with Luna's help, Etc.
These things are enough for a single story by itself, and this is good enough, those other arcs can also be easily done the same way: as separate stories that are a continuation of this one, as we call sequels. With the war being the end and the beginning of a new age, the new age of course being "A New Era".
I love this concept that you have written, and it is VERY clear that you put all of you soul into making it, I can feel it. I just hate it when a good or great concept is at risk of being destroyed because of all the events are being shoved down my throat, go deeper with each scene and make them count because they are important and should be treated with loving care, writing is an art, and the details matter.
I hope that this quick review would help you with your future stories, you do have the passion and I would love to see that passion harnessed to it's full potential.
7779816 I understand what you are saying. But please don't mark it off as something you would not read a sequel of. Originally it was just the prelude to my displaced story, but I have recently decided to start an actual sequel to this story. I will cover the holes from this story in that one, and ill admit this story was sort of rushed. I would have chapter one of the sequel out if I had more time but I am busier than the average highschool student.
Thank you for the feedback back.