Chapter One
Shouts echoed around her, a chorus of sound that carried anger, confusion, concern, and a myriad other emotions, so many that she couldn’t distinguish them all. She knew the sense of urgency and the oppression of fear, as they sped her frantic galloping through the torch-lit halls with her companions, their forms and faces blurred in the gloom. The lead pony called back to the others to run and not look back. She lowered her head and gave a burst of speed to keep up, as she had no intention of slowing down. She knew she couldn’t let what was pursuing them catch her, she just couldn’t.
She felt it, the sheer malice of the creature that pursued them. Though she didn’t know what it actually was, she knew she didn’t want to see it—to face that thing. It terrified her to no end. No, all she could do was flee. It was all she had ever done.
She and her companions ran into a large vaulted room and quickly shut and barred the doors. They didn’t have time to catch their breath before the doors bowed inward from a heavy blow—the sounds of that thing just on the other side.
“We have to choose! We have to choose now!” one of them yelled as he strained to hold the door shut.
Another turned to face her, desperation in her eyes. “We can’t wait any longer! You have to choose!”
Her eyes darted around frantically, trying to find a means of escaping. “B-But I can’t,” she stammered.
The third of her companions ran to help brace the door as it bent inward from another heavy blow. “Trixie, there is no time! You have to choose!”
“I’m not—“
“We don’t have—“ the fourth was interrupted as the door flew open, scattering her panicked companions about. From the breach strode the monstrosity, a creature from the deepest depths of a nightmare. When it leered down at her, she was so rooted to the floor in fear that she couldn’t bring her magic to bear.
“One day,” it spoke to her in a voice that made her tremble, “you will choose. Because you must.”
She couldn’t find her voice. The room and her companions faded away, as did all sound. All that was left was her and her nightmare.
“Choose…” it said to her.
She cowered on the floor, covering her face. Fearful sobs echoed through the darkness as she refused to face it.
The creature reached for her, and all she could do was scream.
“You will choose!”
-0-
Trixie bolted upright in her bed, sweat soaking her fur and sheets. She looked around the wagon that served as her home with wide panicked eyes. Her panicked breathing slowed as she realized it had been a dream, and she covered her face with shaky hooves.
“Such horrible nightmares,” she uttered to herself, feeling her heart still hammering in her chest. “Princess Luna must be ignoring Trixie.”
A cool breeze blew through the curtains of her wagon, chilling her sweat-soaked fur, and eliciting a shiver. She tossed aside her blanket, her bed groaning as she stood to close the window. When she peered outside, she saw the moon hanging low in the sky, soon to be set by Princess Luna.
A soft smile crossed her face as she beheld the moon. She eased herself into a chair next to the window, levitating a blanket over herself as she felt the cool morning air tickle at her fur, to watch the moon set. The fear she felt from her nightmare faded as she stared at the heavenly body. When she travelled between towns for her shows, she often did so under the peace of night. When most ponies had turned for their beds, she would pull her cart, taking comfort in knowing the moon traveled with her—it was her one companion as she walked alone. Remembering those nights where she walked under the ethereal glow of the moon brought a smile to her face.
For Trixie Lulamoon, being alone was a way of life. As a traveler and magician, she had never put down roots anywhere. Her show and her magic, were her passion—her destiny. She never stayed in any one place for long. Just long enough for her to perform her craft, earn her way, and continue on to her next destination. This type of life never allowed for the possibility of other companionship, and she preferred it that way. She wouldn’t ask another pony to follow her way of life, as it was not something that just anypony could do. It was something only the Great and Powerful Trixie could pull off with the poise and flair she possessed.
Her eyes drifted towards her starred hat-and-cape combo, and the corners of her mouth turned up in a warm smile. They had been a gift from her parents when she had begun her life as a travelling magician. To her, the clothes were a source of pride. They held the pride she had for herself, and the belief that her parents had in her. She had sworn to never let them down.
She winced however, when she recalled two events in her life where she had tarnished that belief.
“Ponyville…” she uttered. The town where Twili—no, Princess Twilight Sparkle lived, she recalled with a twinge of bitterness. Both events had seen her let pride get the best of her, and Twilight had bested her—the second time, thankfully so, as she had freed her from the corrupting influence of the Alicorn Amulet. They had parted on friendly terms, but that hadn’t stopped news of her actions from reaching across Equestria.
She shook her head to clear her line of thought. She didn’t want to dwell on that again. All the failed shows, the angry crowds, and the shame—no, it was best not to think of that. Her thoughts wandered instead to a more recent event—her banishment to the Realm of Darkness by the Spirit of Order a few months ago. She shivered again, although this time not from the cold. She only vaguely remembered her time in the dark realm, but when she learned what had happened to her and so many others, she still found it hard to believe what had happened.
Ever since then, she had been having the recurring nightmare that had tormented her minutes ago. Always it was with something pressing her to make a choice, a choice she knew nothing about, let alone enough to make the right one. It wasn’t always in the same scenario, but always with others forcing her to choose. What the nightmares were about, she didn’t know. She had hoped Princess Luna would have helped her by now, but the Moon Princess hadn’t appeared.
A sigh escaped her, and she felt her brow furrow. She hoped that the nightmares would end sooner rather than later.
As the moon set and the sun began its rise, Trixie huffed and gathered her soaps to take a bath in the local stream. From there, she would have to find a good breakfast. It wouldn’t do for the citizens of Trottingham to see her in such a disheveled state. She gave only the best, and so she would appear as only that.
The thought of putting on another show brought a smile to her face as she trotted out of her wagon. She swore that this show would be the one to restart her career.
-0-
Her wagon bounced along the cobblestone streets of Trottingham. With its many tall buildings and historical significance, Trixie thought back to the previous performances she had done in the ancient city, and an excited smile crossed her face. The ponies here were always nice and polite—unlike the class-differentiated ponies of Canterlot who always seemed to look down their snouts on even the Great and Powerful Trixie. The citizens of Trottingham even offered her polite nods or greetings as she passed. A few even inquired about her purpose and were pleasantly surprised by her answer.
After getting permission from the town’s officials, she parked her wagon in the town square. She smiled to herself as she noticed a few curious onlookers. Now was the time to whet their appetites.
She threw a lever on her wagon, and the sides flew out as the stage fell into place. A curtain fell to cleverly hide the living space of her wagon and serve as a backdrop. She grabbed her megaphone and leaped upon her stage with a dramatic flourish of her cape.
“Come one! Come all! Come see the amazing magical feats of the Great and Powerful Trrrrrixie!” She stood on her hind legs and threw her forelegs out wide. “Watch and be amazed as she dazzles you all with magical prowess seen nowhere else in all of Equestria!”
Her grand claims and brightly decorated stage drew the attention of many passersby, and in a short time, her stage had attracted a crowd.
She set aside her megaphone to address the growing crowd. “Ponies of Trottingham. I bring to you some of the greatest magic ever seen in Equestria!” With a charge of her horn, she motioned to a coil of rope that sprang to life at her call. The rope moved and swayed to the fluid motions of her hoof. She had the rope dance for a time before she rolled her forelegs over once and threw them out to her sides. In response, the rope tied itself into a perfect butterfly shape that flew around her stage. The audience cheered and stomped their hooves in applause as the rope butterfly flew overhead.
She bowed gracefully, hiding the smile at how well her opening act went. “Thank you, thank you all!” She stood straighter and the rope butterfly settled and became a coil of lifeless rope again. “Now for a dazzling display of magic, unsurpassed by any other unicorn in Equestria!”
Her horn flashed and a number of brightly colored lights took to the evening sky; they burst and exploded in an array of lights that had the crowd in awe.
With a simple tilt of her head, she sent a trio of lights swirling and ghosting through the crowd. The ponies gasped or cheered as the lights flew past them, then swirled into the air and merged to create an explosion of light and sound.
She couldn’t suppress her smile as their cheers and applause grew louder. Finally, a successful show! Now it was time for her final act, and she would not disappoint!
“And now, my dear ponies, the Great and Powerful Trixie will transfix you all with a tale of her gallant heroism. A tale of struggle, of unbridled fearlessness, a tale of how the Great and Powerful Trixie saved the town of Baltimare from a dreaded Ursa Major!” She sent her magical lights into the air and they formed a foalish image of the celestial bear. As many of the crowd oohed in awe, she cringed inwardly as a few suddenly frowned.
“It was a normal day in Baltimare, when—from the caves of the mountains—a monstrous Ursa Major rampaged through the city. It sought to sate its appetite upon the ponies of the fair city, and only the Great and Powerful Trixie had the power to stand against it.” She threw her cape out for dramatic effect, striking a heroic pose. “With magic unparalleled by any other, she—“
“Liar!” came a shout from the crowd.
She cringed inwardly. “No.”
She moved along with her tale as if nothing had happened. “With magic and sheer cunning, The Great and Powerful—“
She stopped as a piece of fruit knocked her hat from her head.
“Fraud! We know you! You’re nothing but a con artist!”
“Trixie was able to—” She was forced to duck the next missile aimed at her head with a quick yelp. Her magic show in the sky flickered from her loss of focus.
“No, no, no, no! Not now! Please not now!”
The crowd’s cheering had turned into a chorus of mummers.
“She’s the one who brought an Ursa on Ponyville a few years ago, and then tried to take over by exiling Princess Twilight!” the naysayer shouted.
She stood straighter and threw her forelegs out to get their attention. “Please, good citizens, let’s not worry of the past, but—“ She gasped and had to duck as many more objects were thrown at her. The crowd booed and taunted her. The ponies who once looked at her with awe now only had scornful looks.
“Get off the stage!”
“Charlatan!”
“Get out of here before you bring some other monster down on our heads!”
“Get out of our town!”
Trixie would not let them see her cry, no matter how much she wanted to. Just when things had been looking so well for her, her past caught up to yet again. She stood tall, defiant, determined to continue her show. Bad or not, she would perform her show no matter what. A true performer would never give up.
Before she could begin anew, a commanding shout quieted down the unruly crowd. A guard patrol trotted onto the scene and began shouting to disperse the crowd.
“That is enough! All of you disperse! This unruliness is over!” the burly sergeant shouted.
There were a few disgruntled mutterings and dark glances sent Trixie’s way, but they did as ordered.
Trixie sighed, privately glad the guards had ended the show before it could take a turn for the worse. This was a scene that had repeated itself far too many times for her liking.
She brushed off some of the fruit splatter from her cape and looked at the sergeant. “Trixie thanks you, good sergeant. She was not sure how—“
He turned and gave her a harsh glare. “Pack your things, Miss Lulamoon. You are to be out of our town immediately.”
She looked at him in shock. ”B-But, but Trixie has done nothing wrong. She only tried to put on a show for the ponies of the city.”
He shook his head, his scowl not lessening. “Be that as it may, I want you out of here.”
She felt her heart sink. “But—“
He cut her off. “End of discussion. My soldiers will see you to the city’s edge once you are ready.” He turned on hoof to leave.
A lump caught in her throat. “Is Trixie… banished?”
He stopped mid-stride and stood still for a time. Finally he sighed and looked back at her. “No, but if I were you, I would let some time pass before you return. If only to give them time to forget.” He nodded gruffly to his troops and left the square, making sure the citizens had truly dispersed.
Trixie kept the emotion from her face and finally huffed. How much longer did she have to wait for them to forget?
She went about and started collecting the salvageable food that had been tossed at her, as well as the few bits that she had earned before the crowd went sour on her. As she placed the food into her wagon, she couldn’t help but think that she had at least earned a week’s worth of food without paying for it.
“At least I won’t go hungry,” she thought as she pulled the lever that folded her wagon back into its usual shape. The guards watched stoically as she strapped herself to her harness.
“Shall we, Gentlecolts?” she asked them as she started away.
The guards proved to be poor conversationalists, though Trixie wasn’t in the mood for talk herself. Once again, the events of Ponyville had come back to bite her in the flank. Despite all she had done to make amends, it always seemed as if it were never enough. Twilight had forgiven her, so had her friends most likely, so why couldn’t the rest of Equestria forgive her too? Was what she had done truly so deserving of such scorn? No, the Great and Powerful Trixie was never beneath scorn. She was the showmare supreme! Unrivaled by any other unicorn in Equestria! Equestria would love her again even if it went kicking and screaming!
A soft sigh escaped her. “If only it were so simple as that.”
As they made their way to the outskirts of the city, the patrol of guards bid her farewell. One guard lingered behind as the others turned away however.
He rubbed at his neck a moment before speaking. “You know, ma’am. I thought your show was pretty good.”
She glanced at him. “The Great and Powerful Trixie does amaze.”
That brought about a faint smirk. “Maybe you should try Greensborough. They might enjoy your show.”
“Greensborough?” She furrowed her brow, eyes narrowed. Seconds passed in silence until her eyes widened. “That backwater town in the woods? There’s nothing there but trees.”
He shrugged. “Not as backwater as it used to be, but they might enjoy your show as much as I did.”
She rubbed at her chin, mulling over the idea. “Trixie has not been there in some years. She supposes it is worth a shot. How far is it from here?”
“It’s quicker by train, but since you will likely be going by hoof, it will be about a week or so’s walk at the worst.” He turned as he heard his named called by his fellow soldiers. “Stay safe on the road, miss.”
She watched him leave before she looked down the road. With a simple charge of her horn, a map flew from a compartment on her wagon and hovered for her to view it. After a quick study, she realized that she could indeed make the Forest of the Oak in a week’s time if she hurried. Perhaps Greensborough had the chance she desperately needed, perhaps not. It was worth a try at least. The show must go on, and so would she.
With a tug on her harness, she began down the path towards the greatest adventure she would ever know.
-0-
The unicorn stallion sputtered in distaste as he unwittingly walked right into a spider’s web. He wiped at his blonde mane trying to get the filthy thing out. An earth pony stallion, wearing a chest plate and pauldrons, looked to the sputtering unicorn with a look of mild amusement.
“Is everything alright, sir?” he asked as he adjusted his helmet.
The unicorn finally got rid of the bothersome web, wiping it on the bark of a nearby tree. “I am fine, Captain, just not enjoying this trek through these confounded trees.” He looked through the tall oak trees with a look of disgust. “What I wouldn’t give to get back home to Manehattan.”
The earth pony looked to his fellow mercenaries for a moment. “Are you wanting to head back, Mr. Paycheck?”
The unicorn, Paycheck—aptly named for his cutie mark—shook his head. “No. As much as I want to leave, I do know that there is something valuable ahead and it will be worth the effort.”
The earth pony nodded and bellowed to his soldiers. “Keep up, boys. I want to find a safe place to set camp before night falls.” They gave affirmations and the group of twenty mercenaries and one business stallion continued on their way.
Ahead.
The unicorn started for just a second before he muttered to himself. The voice had become even more insistent since he had arrived with the small band of hired swords to traverse these filthy woods.
He thought back on the past few months, where he had been having these dreams where a sweet-sounding voice would coax and promise him so much if he would only find her. Yet her voice always faded as he awoke. At first he wrote it off as stress from work—being a prominent business stallion of the New Yoke Stock Exchange was a taxing job—but as time went by, the voice became stronger, more insistent. He tried seeking help for it, but none of the doctors knew what was wrong with him.
He looked up quickly as the mercenary captain held up a hoof and the entire procession came to a halt.
“What is it, Captain Stalwart?” he asked, looking around for danger.
“My men heard something ahead,” the earth pony whispered, sliding a sword from its scabbard.
Hold, and do not move.
“Have your stallions hold still,” Paycheck said quietly.
The mercenary captain’s eyes darted to his employer but had his soldiers hunker down and keep quiet. As they waited, Paycheck could have sworn he heard some sort of low groan off in the distance. He frowned at the sound—it wasn’t anything he had ever heard before.
Go now, veer left.
He tapped the mercenary and motioned in the direction. Stalwart nodded and the group soon moved away, the danger never exposing itself.
They continued on until the sun began to set, and the mercenaries were quick to set up camp. As Paycheck waited for his tent, he heard a few of the mercenaries speak to each other.
“What are we doing way out in these Celestia-forsaken woods?”
“We’re getting paid a good bit, that’s what. Quit your bellyaching and help me pound these stakes.”
The unicorn frowned, but he couldn’t blame them for their opinions. He also winced at the truthfulness of the second comment, as they were being paid a lot of gold for their services, but once he found the voice and it provided as promised, their pay would be a trivial thing.
Later that night, as he ate his dinner in the privacy of his tent, he heard the flap of his tent lift and turned to see Stalwart enter.
“Sir, how much further are we to go into these woods? I am not aware of anypony who has gone this deep into them.”
You are close, I can practically feel you…
He grimaced but spoke plainly. “We are close, Captain. A day or more, I would assume.”
The captain nodded but looked at him with a stern gaze. “You have lead us without mishap so far, sir. But if this turns out to be a wild goose chase, you will be charged extra for our time. We had another lucrative job lined up before hoof, and if you hadn’t paid upfront, we wouldn’t have been available.”
Paycheck wanted to scowl at him, but knew it was better not to anger the mercenary captain without allies nearby. “As I understand, Captain. This will be well worth your time, I might even throw in a bonus on a successful job.”
The mercenary accepted that with a wide greedy smile. “That is what I like to hear.” He removed his helmet, letting his maroon mane air out. “So how do you know where we’re going without a map or anything? It is almost uncanny how you are able to do that.”
Paycheck smirked, glad to know he had at least one hoof up on the mercenary. “I have my ways, Captain. We will get there.”
Stalwart nodded in approval. “Alright, I will see to securing the camp. We don’t need a pack of timberwolves falling on us while we sleep.” He turned and ducked out of the tent.
The unicorn scowled as the mercenary left. “Greedy lout. He gives the ponies at the Exchange a run for their bits.”
He has his use. Bring him and his stallions with you.
“Will you quit doing that?” he snapped.
When you find me.
He muttered darkly and soon turned for his bedroll, praying to Celestia that he could finally shut the voice up for good.
-0-
A few days later, the group found itself much deeper in the woods. They were surrounded by large hills that had protruded from the ground itself at almost odd intervals. They now stood in front of a particularly-large, moss-covered hill.
You have arrived. Find me.
“Where?!” Paycheck shouted aloud, causing the mercenaries to look at him with raised eyebrows.
Dig, and you will see.
He turned to the confused mercenaries and pointed towards the hill. “We need to dig through this. What we are looking for is buried in this hill.”
The mercenaries looked to the hill with a look of disgust, but a command from their captain and the ponies began digging into the hill’s side. Paycheck was about to speak with Stalwart when one of the mercenaries shouted in surprise.
“Captain, look at this.”
Stalwart moved to see what the commotion was about, Paycheck following close behind. “What is it, soldier?”
“This isn’t a hill, Captain,” the mercenary said and stepped out of the way.
Paycheck peered closely at the small amount of progress they had made and blinked in surprise. Instead of raw earth, the hole was filled with splinters and torn wood.
“What in the—“
“Is this… a root?” Stalwart asked, his voice low. The mercenaries looked around to the other ‘hills’ and after a quick dig, one of the other mercenaries confirmed it was made of wood as well.
“These must be the roots of the Mother Oak…” Paycheck breathed in awe.
Cut through it.
The unicorn started at the vehemence behind the voice, but looked at the mercenaries. “Payday, is through this hill. Once you cut through it, you will get your reward.”
That was all he had to say to get the mercenaries to cutting into the root. The soldiers carrying axes chopped away at the tough root. The work took most of the day, but as evening settled in, one of the mercenaries yelled that they had cut through.
Paycheck pushed past the crowded mercenaries to find a large, dark opening into some sort of tunnel. The stale air made him gag as it washed over him.
Come. All that I have promised lies within.
“Let’s go,” he said to the mercenaries and lit up his horn before stepping into the tunnel. The mercenaries gave their commander a curious look before he nodded, and they followed their employer into the cave.
Only after walking a short way did the mercenaries look around in surprise. The cave turned out to be a hallway of worked stone, rather than the rough surface of a natural cave. Bits of plant roots poked through the roof of the tunnel, while a thick layer of dust covered the otherwise bare hallway.
“I don’t like this,” he heard one of the mercenaries say. “The only thing moving down here is us, and it doesn’t sit right with me.”
“Hey, I ain’t complaining,” one of his fellows said. “It means nothing is going to jump on us.”
They walked further, taking turns at his direction. Paycheck lifted his head to further illuminate the hall when he caught sight of movement.
“What is that?” he hissed.
The mercenaries quickly got between him and the thing that moved, weapons drawn. For a time the thing held still until what they thought was a boulder moved on six, chitinous legs. It turned around and the ponies found themselves in front of a hideous beetle with sickly yellow eyes, and a large protruding horn.
“Celestia’s mane!” Stalwart lifted his blade to charge the beetle.
Do not attack it!
“Stop!” Paycheck yelled.
Stalwart looked back to him as if he is insane. “Why? We need to kill the thing before it kills us.”
Paycheck shook his head firmly. “It won’t, as long as you don’t attack it.”
The beetle watched them for a time, its nasty-looking horn swaying threateningly, but as the ponies didn’t make a move, it turned and started boring through the wall of the tunnel. The mercenaries shouted as the walls shook but the stone hall held up to the beetle’s digging.
The mercenaries made sure the beetle was gone before Stalwart looked at Paycheck with an outraged expression. “How did you know it wouldn’t attack? What was that thing?”
A future ally.
“It’s not important, Captain. We need to keep moving, our treasure is ahead.”
Despite the grumblings, the group proceeded without mishap. As Paycheck continued down the hall, he felt the presence of the voice in his head grow stronger, more prominent. Finally, the hallway spilled out into a tall vaulted chamber. Through the light he and the mercenaries provided, he could see the chamber was structurally sound despite the boring beetle. No roots grew through the roof, no dirt covered the floor, and it seemed as if this room was completely cut off from the outside world. The only thing that was of any interest was an empty pedestal that stood before a large stone slab adorned by numerous glyphs, runes and markings that occupied all the gazes in the room. In its center was a large carving of a serpent’s eye. Looking at the mural, Paycheck gave a reflexive shudder.
Finally…
“Where are you?” Paycheck shouted as the voice spoke.
I am here, behind the door. Long have I waited for you.
“Give me what you promised, or I’ll have them teach you a lesson.” He motioned to the mercenaries who only watched him cautiously.
You would threaten your benefactor?
He frowned at the humor in the voice’s tone. “I walked for weeks through these woods, endured your annoying voice in my head for months. I deserve to know who you are, and what is going on!”
I want freedom. To escape from this wretched prison.
He crosses his forelegs, scowling. “That doesn’t benefit me.”
“Mr. Paycheck?” Stalwart asked, his eyes darting around the room. The unicorn held up a hoof to him to wait as he stared intently at the eye on the door.
I promised you the power that would rival that of the Spirits, and I will do so, but not from this prison.
He looked directly at the serpent’s eye on the slab. “So how does this help me?”
I can give you a taste of power, a gift that will make you far stronger than any of your kind.
He scoffed. “I thought you couldn’t do anything from your prison?”
Take my blessing and see for yourself.
Before he could react, a beam of green light shot out from the eye and struck him square in the chest. His eyes widened, and his mouth fell open in shock before he tumbled to the ground, his body glowing a sickly-green aura. The mercenaries backed away with surprised shouts, staring at him with slack jaws. They watched in horror as his body seemed to shrink in on itself. His pelt paled in color and his bones seemed to protrude from his thinned flesh. His once-blonde mane paled to a sickly white and thinned out to stringy strands. When the glow faded, the mercenaries backed away with muttered oaths as the seemly-dead unicorn stood back up. His once blue eyes now were replaced by glowing-green, serpent-like eyes—full of maliciousness.
“I see now…” he said in a horridly raspy voice. He took in a breath and his body glowed again. “So this is power?”
Only the start.
Stalwart leveled his sword at the unicorn. “What are you?!”
You are the first of my Bringers, the ones who will bring to this world, the blessing of my disease.
The pale unicorn only smiled, a hideous smile that showed a set of pointed canines that gleamed in the low light. “I am the one who will see our Mistress free. We are to be her Bringers of Plague.”
“We?” Stalwart scoffed. “Don’t think so.” He set his sword and lunged at the frail looking unicorn. The unicorn once known as Paycheck looked at the leaping earth pony with a sneer. With a gesture, he knocked Stalwart out of the air to tumble across the stone floor with a loud, metallic clatter of metal.
The mercenaries wasted no time in leaping at the creature as well. Instead of brushing them aside, however, he took in a deep breath and exhaled a cloud of noxious fumes that had all the mercenaries coughing and retching in disgust. As one they arched their backs in pain, screaming in agony.
Stalwart picked himself up as the screams stopped and the cloud dissipated. He saw that his mercenaries now stood stock still, still gripping their weapons, but otherwise not moving. The only indication that they gave that they were even still alive was their slowed, controlled breathing. “What did you do to them?!” he shouted at the pale unicorn.
The pale unicorn looked at him with a sneer. “They now belong to the Mistress. As will you.”
With a sharp intake of breath, Stalwart turned and ran for the exit, but found himself lifted from the ground and brought towards the pale unicorn—his horn glowing a sickly green color.
“You won’t get away with this!” he yelled, trying in vain to burst free from the magical grip.
The unicorn sneered at him and breathed upon him as well. Once his screams had silenced, Captain Stalwart stood by his stallions obediently, all light having been snuffed from his eyes.
Very well done, but they will not be enough. You will need more.
The pale unicorn knelt before the pedestal. “There is a whole city nearby we can convert.”
Indeed, but do so subtly. We do not need to draw attention too soon.
He rested his muzzle to the floor in absolute submission. “Yes, my Mistress.”
Also, you will need to find this.
An image conjured in his mind. It was some sort of black, stone marker with numerous etchings into it. “What is it, my Mistress?”
It is the key to my prison. It is hidden in this forest. Find it, and free me, then you will be rewarded as promised.
He pressed his muzzle into the stone floor. “I shall tear the trees to the ground for you, my Mistress.”
You make the most excellent minion, my harbinger.
“Harbinger…” he echoed, his smile turning upward viciously. “I like that name.”
I have to say you have a great story here. keep up the great work.
-- CommenceComments
Woo! Finally a story that I actually like! (And it has worse/fewer ratings than most others ) Where I don't have to talk about grammar.
Have an upvote.
Well, and I'll talk a bit about grammar anyways. You do double whitespaces after the end of sentences. Why's that? If it's because you want to increase readability, then you have my respect for putting in the effort. Although I did find two instances where you used triple: “Ponyville…” she uttered. [] The town where and He has his use. [] Bring him and his stallions with you. (This is of course the most minor comment ever.) Oh and the wrong parenthesis at ”B-But, but and shock. ”
It's too early for me to say much about stuff like plot construction, but so far it all looks solid and well put-together. The same goes for Trixie's character, so far I'm totally sold that it's really her.
I wonder, if I want to get into this, wouldn't it be better to start from the beginning? It seems to be a pretty huge project-- any reason you submitted this one and not the first?
I'm kind of torn on the first chapter. I enjoyed Trixie's perspective a lot (given both your avatar and your stories, I can figure out why). I tend to not love Trixie being ridiculed type stuff, mostly because I feel it's overdone, but it wasn't horribly annoying. I did like that not everyone was straight up discriminating towards her, and that the officials had legitimate reasons for treating her the way they did, as opposed to everyone being a jerk to her for that one story, which, while bad, probably would have faded in time, especially given Equestria's tendency to redeem even the kitchen sink.
My biggest issue is, probably, the whole deal with the voice at the end. I kind of was laughing by the end of that scene, mostly because they went full evil drone/loving zombie type deal. It felt so utterly ridiculous, in my opinion, because it was incredibly over the top. It felt kind of like Sombra if you cranked him up to eleven. The whole plague, the over-the-top-archaic way of speaking, it was really overdramatic, if you ask me.