Tonight, a Comedian Died in Canterlot.
My dearest little ponies. If you are reading this, then I have officially kicked the bucket. I hope I went out in a suitably noble and dignified fashion, as befitting my legacy of selfless heroics, and that I didn't just choke to death on a fish bone or something. In any case, now that I am as dead as a doornail, I have several last requests which I expect to be carried out, and it is of vital importance that they are followed to the letter.
While many of you may be inclined to ignore my wishes (yes, I'm looking at you, Rainbow Dash), it is of absolute necessity that you do not. As the Spirit of Chaos, my "duties" are very important. Far more important than I may have led you to believe. If my instructions here are not followed, you may upset the balance of the world for generations to come. On the other hand, if they are followed properly, I promise that the next Spirit of Chaos after me will be extremely grateful for your efforts. He or she may even refrain from turning you all into cacti, if any of you are still alive by that time.
First of all, there's my burial. Don't do it. I know that you ponies often like to bury your dead, but I'm not a pony. My people had their own traditions. Ancient draconequus funeral rites had the deceased's heart removed and preserved (I think it was meant to symbolise something, but I don't remember what), and their body thrown into a volcano (since our draconic body parts were resistant to most other forms of cremation). I'm not usually one for tradition, but I want a variation of this.
Specifically, you should remove my heart and throw that into the volcano. Be warned that my heart doesn't look like a heart and is also not located where you'd think it should be. It moves around a lot. You'll know it when you see it, because it'll be giving out an ominous red glow, and gazing upon it causes auditory hallucinations. Then I want the rest of my body preserved. I want it stuffed in a pose that makes it look like I'm pointing and laughing at the rest of you, and I want it mounted on the wall above Celestia's throne.
As well, before this is done, I'd like for my blood to be drained from my body, and for somepony to skip around the entire perimeter of the Everfree Forest, sprinkling it on the ground behind them as they go. It is very important that it circles the entire forest. If the blood trail causes cracks in the earth to open and begin spawning foul creatures, just ignore them and keep going. If left to their own devices, I promise that the chaos demons won't harm anypony, though you may still want to avoid the forest for a few years afterwards.
For my funeral itself, I wish for Pinkie Pie to do the planning. It must not be a weepy, crying affair. Boredom is about the worst torture that any being could inflict upon me, so being boring is not a good way to honour my memory. My funeral must be colourful, loud, and bombastic. I expect stand-up comedians, performing animals, and completely tasteless music. Make sure that my stuffed body is present for the duration of the funeral, and position me so that it looks like I'm mocking the mourners.
Also, please prepare a buffet table which includes suitably chaotic food; I fully expect alternate versions of myself to crash the party, and they must be catered for. I haven't actually sent any invitations, but I know myself. I've personally helped ruin the funerals of at least twelve alternate Discords already, so be prepared for shenanigans. If any of my counterparts ask to give a speech, let them. It will probably be hilarious.
Instead of a memorial stone, I want a memorial tree. Trees grow and change, unlike stone. Plant it as a seed at the funeral, and force it to grow super fast. I'd also prefer it if somepony who can use chaos magic would kindly mutate the tree in some amusing fashion. Maybe make the leaves pink or something. If you want, you can then attach a plaque to the tree, but I'm not bothered. Just be sure you don't put something sickeningly cliché on it.
Included in this will are a series of private letters for each of my friends (and also Rainbow Dash) to be opened whenever you please. Twilight Sparkle's one includes an additional speech by myself that I wish to be read at the funeral, and I request that she not read it before that event. When it's time, I would like for her to animate my corpse with magic to make it read out the speech to the assembled ponies, unless any alternate Discords are present at the funeral, in which case, one of them can do it.
I also need somepony to clean house for me. Since being freed, I have made my home in a small pocket dimension above Canterlot. Celestia's letter includes instructions for accessing it. It must be opened, cleared out, and collapsed. There are several animals living in that realm that will not survive without me regularly returning there to create more food for them. They should be good for a few months, but better to be safe than sorry. I leave it up to Fluttershy what to do with them, with the sole exception of the Dream Eater, who I must insist be sent back to Vanaheim in Luna's care.
Once the animals are free, I would then like you all to locate some books in this realm. I have no idea how long you'll be searching, but you're looking for two of them. The first is a journal. It's small, brown, bound in conjured leather, has a plain cover, and is written in invisible ink. This is for Fluttershy, AND NOBODY ELSE. The second is a large, grey-green tome titled Biblia Discordia. It has its name on the spine but not the cover. This is for Twilight Sparkle, as I think she'll find it enlightening. It's a comprehensive guide to all things chaos, compiled by one of my cultists in ages past. Be careful when reading it, because it's cursed. Just thought I'd warn you about that in case you thought I was deliberately trying to corrupt you from beyond the grave.
Once the books and animals are retrieved, collapse the dimension and let the rest of my property be destroyed and/or scattered. Don't try to save anything else. Some things are better left buried.
And finally, I would like for you ponies to locate a mare called Screwball. You'll know her by her cutie mark. I have no idea where she is at present, but I suggest that you begin your search with the local asylums. Once she is found, speak these exact words to her: "Father is asleep, but the job isn't done." Don't worry if she's not conscious at the time. It'll still work. Be sure to do this in a large, open space.
Screwball is going to be filling in for me until the next true Spirit of Chaos comes along. She has a portion of my power sealed within her. Not enough to conquer Equestria, but enough to ruin Svaðilfari's day if he ever tries to take advantage of my death to bring "true order" back to Equestria. I think it's only fair to warn you that Screwball probably won't know how to use it, and that she may be dangerous. I humbly request that you refrain from blasting her with any hideously overpowered Tree of Harmony superweapons if she gets out of hoof. She really is a sweet girl. Be a friend to her, like you were to me, and you won't need to fear anything. Chaos isn't naturally friendly, but it can learn to be. You've all shown me that.
And I think that's everything. Knowing me, I've probably forgotten plenty of important things, so I'll periodically return to rewrite this will as I think of them. I did initially laugh at Celestia's suggestion that I prepare for the worst in this way, but the truth is that I do make a lot of enemies, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't fear the possibility myself. For what it's worth, I apologise to whoever it was that found my body. I can't imagine it was a pretty sight, considering what it takes to kill me.
But that said, I'd like to thank you all for being my friends for as long as you have. Friendship has made my life very interesting these past few years, and I hope to carry forward the lessons I've learned from all of you into the next one.
See you out there.
–Discord
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Beautiful, this story was interesting. Fun interesting :)
Even in death, he still trolls.
This is awesome!
"927/63. Would splum again."
- IGBKHFCBLeeeargh
I wouldn't want people to be miserable at my funeral either. Go, Discord!
I think Discord fics are your specialty because of how
twisted and insaneunique you are.Tirek just sucks Discord's magic out again and then stabs him with a broken windshield wiper.
Discord, "Arg, once more powergaming ruins EVERYTHING!" He dies like a lame loser in a alley shanking over a can of Sterno.
(And that, kiddies, is why Tirek sucked monkey balls!)
Now I'm curious to see what was written in the letters he mentioned.
Alternate universe Discords FTW!!!!!!!!!!! Also, who else read this in John Delancy's condescending voice?????????
Wonderful. It's all very much in-character for Discord's tendencies, but also has a sense of sincerity that really brings it to life.
Also, are you saying that SCP-058 is Discord's heart?
5874518
You say that like you don't think everyone does.
The only REALLY important part that could prevent the lack of balance would be the ScrewBall part. The rest is just Discord's final jokes, except for his alternates. That's more about making sure that they don't get angry.
I bet he died by stepping on a lego brick, losing his balance, face planting in a pile of delicious pancakes topped with chocolate chips and strawberries, and finally choking on a spoon.
5874730 It's how he'd have wanted to go.
Svaðilfari? (Googles) Sleipnir's father. Huh. I wonder if he and Discord ever had any romantic history.
A most entertaining thought exercise. Thank you for sharing it.
Now you have me intrigued
5874518
I did! XD
This was so adorable >u<
you said disturbing. There no disturbing. Me dissappoint.
I could...Actually see this being his will.
now i want to know whats in those letters i also want to know the main 6's reactions to this will while they read it plus there letters and also there reactions when they do his request
What'd you do? Teleport to Equestria and steal discords will? that was just rude.
5875340
He'd get a complimentary second holiday. On the moon.
5875157
You mean aside from the bit about using Discord's blood to summon up an army of chaos demons in the Everfree Forest?
Even in death, he will do everything he can to continue mocking ponies just with his forever amused expression and a pointing finger. That's got to be a bit of a nightmare.
I kind of want a spin-off story involving Screwball now. Great job on the story by the way.
5875455
Seconded.
I liked this. I was expecting comedy from the concept (and got that) but it was surprisingly sweet, too.
The creepiest part isn't what he says, it's what he doesn't say. How is the book cursed? What's in the dimension? What sort of 'auditory hallucinations' are we talking about? What's in the letter?
Yikes.
5875455 you know, i was thinking about doing this. Though, are we talking about Daughter of Discord Screwball, or just Screwball Screwball?
This was really sweet, funny, and dark all at the same time, I really liked it.
It'd be neat if you wrote something about what's in the journal he gave to Fluttershy. I'm curious now.
5875768 I was referring to the mare in the story, I'm not familiar with Daughter of Discord.
IT NEEDS A SEQUEL!
"I'd like for my blood to be drained from my body, and for somepony to skip around the entire perimeter of the Everfree Forest, sprinkling it on the ground behind them as they go."
Heh. It's been part of my headcanon since "Princess Twilight Sparkle" that the real problem with the Everfree is that there either there's an eldritch abomination sleeping under the Everfree or the Everfree itself is an eldritch abomination. Good to know Discord has that in hand.
Very Yes
You see that ponies? He used all caps there. Better make sure you all understand that one.
5874593 Why?! Why did you have to bring up that evil monstrosity that gives a new meaning to the phrase "heart attack"?!
But in all seriousness, that thing is creepy as hell.
In case anyone doesn't know what that is, I present you horror:
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ5fcQ6gXXfsaEWNEc2d7eE502Lwn6MpEnRUSekn1CsAbJ1VRk9mA
Who else had John De Lancie's voice in their head when they read this?
Also:
This is hilarious.
Mildly disturbing, but hilarious.
The only thing I'd suggest Discord writing 'I hope I was killed by a bulldozer driven by Saddle Rager'.
If you know what that's a reference to, you're a fan of a certain cartoon.
5874593
5874635
Discord's heart is living crystal, in a similar manner to the crystal ponies. He made it that way so that it could hold a permanent enchantment that would activate in the event of his heart's destruction, sending out a message across the universe to notify all minions of chaos that he is dead.
5874855
They did. And it was completely consensual.
Their son currently rules the Lower Realms as the Lord of Darkness.
5875686
The auditory hallucinations are the voices of the disharmonious. All conflict echoes within Discord, and if he can hear your voice, then he may grow stronger from you.
5875768
Well, this Screwball was created entirely by Discord, if that's what you're asking, but he doesn't consider her a daughter. He just made her and sent her on her way. She's one of those many contingency plans that he made and then mostly forgot about, because Discord is fond coming up with multiple complex plans, setting them in motion, and then delighting in the unforeseen chaos as they all bounce off of each other in unexpected ways. Like what happened with the plunder vines.
5875988
Well, in a sense. Actually, this story takes the IDW comics as canon. Discord's just unleashing the chaos demons on the forest to fuck over King Aspen and the deer, who are order-aligned. Note his exact wording, "I promise that the chaos demons won't harm anypony".
Huh... neat.
Rest in Chaos, huh.
Is that the lyric from the Mad World soundtrack?
5876558
It is indeed.
This was surprisingly earnest and heartfelt. No trolling at the end or anything. And great touch with the Star Trek reference I didn't get until
5876371 pointed it out.
roundstable.com/forums/images/smilies/excellent.gif?wrap=true
5876032 Hey! isn't that my heart? i could have sworn some dude took it and gave it to someone else
I love how this isn't just random bullshit, as seen from your detailed comments.
Whoever actually down voted this obviously has no sense of humor. For shame.
5877143
I like to think that the best kind of random comedy, where the readers are completely blind-sided by something that seemed to come out of nowhere, is the kind that does have an underlying explanation somewhere.
You should make a sequel where Discord wants a roast from everyone
5874091
What he tried to say .
I think.
~Skeeter The Lurker
5874412
Also the blood magic