Dinky and Amethyst Star are daughters of the stupid pegasus, Derpy Hooves. Derpy had decided she should do something, and say something.
COVER NOT MADE BY ME!
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- Member Since 15th Apr, 2015
- offline last seen Jan 22nd, 2021
Suika999
G1 is the best generation because Fizzy
Suika999
Joined 15th Apr, 2015 ·
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Just wait until all the Derpy fanboys come to downvote this fic.
COOL DERPYS CRAZY
"Did she say THAT?"
No she said this.
Downvoted because the story is... well, bad. If that can even be called a story.
Also, your grammar needs some work in some places. If you ask, I'll be happy to explain further upon that.
~TOOWC
This was a real mess honestly. I'm having a hard time finding anything salvageable about it.
Let's start with the obvious problem: Derpy. She's been portrayed as goofy, ditzy, and yes, even stupid upon occasion, but never have I seen her portrayed as abusive before. I mean, kicking both her daughters out into the cold for the entire night? For saying 'vegetable' in her presence? That's not stupidity, that's freaking cruel. Not to mention Dinky didn't even do anything to deserve it the second time. Really, I checked.
Second problem, why a comedy tag? I get that you were trying to be funny by going "haha, Derpy doesn't like the word vegetables" but it doesn't work in this situation. I don't know anyone who could make child abuse funny; I'm thinking a dark tag is more appropriate than comedy. You also have a slice of life tag when random would be far more appropriate.
Third problem, the utter nonsensical nature of this fic. There are moments where I have no idea what the heck is going on, for example:
So does seeing little children sit make Amethyst smile in the morning, or what?
A black hole? Like, the space phenomenon that exerts such a strong gravitational pull that nothing can escape from it? Or did you mean something along the lines of a rabbit hole or something? Also, her carrot mouth just gained bites at the top? Some serious WTF right there.
So saying the word vegetable actually causes Derpy physical pain and/or gives her a heart attack? And now her daughter is using this knowledge to torture her? Wow... this fic really does need a dark tag.
There's also a lot of other attempts for jokes, but they really fall flat.
This would be a "haha, let's point and laugh at the idiot" moment I assume, but even though the Derpy in this story is a terrible character, I'm not laughing at her trying to hurt/maim/kill herself, or the fact that she's too dumb to know that she's not actually doing any damage. It's just uncomfortable.
More domestic abuse. And it's not funny.
Wow, her own husband calls her stupid (after kicking her no less). Instead of laughing, I'm just shaking my head at the lack of decent characters here. I mean, Derpy is an abusive mother, Doctor Whooves beats and insults his spouse, Amethyst tortures her mother, and Dinky... well, does nothing malicious, but doesn't do anything good either.
Also, that pacing is way to fast. In less than nine hundred words, Dinky is kicked out of her own home twice, along with Amethyst, finds a cardboard box to sleep in, spends the entire night outside, and when they finally get back in she watches as Amethysts tortures Derpy, Doctor Whooves beat Derpy, then she runs out, comes back in, then everything magically resolves itself (not even a Deus ex Machina moment either, they all just literally go back inside and act like nothing happened) and then Dinky goes to school and tells everypony what happened.
Oh yeah, and Afterwards finishes our story with a cute little Book End that implies that there are more abusive families in Ponyville.
img0.joyreactor.cc/pics/post/my-little-pony-mlp-%D0%BF%D0%B5%D1%81%D0%BE%D1%87%D0%BD%D0%B8%D1%86%D0%B0-%D1%84%D1%8D%D0%BD%D0%B4%D0%BE%D0%BC%D1%8B-mlp-1035523.gif
I'm sorry, but there just isn't anything to like about this fic. Maybe you'll get a few people laughing at the fact that Derpy hates vegetables, but that joke gets beaten into the ground quickly. And even if you were going for the "lulz I so random" crackfic mentality, this doesn't work because of all the domestic abuse. You also have a style of writing that is more tell than it is show, which isn't good to have, especially when combined with the fast pace.
However I think this could have worked, and maybe still can with a lot of rewriting. Have it be where Derpy doesn't like vegetables to the point of banning them from her home (perhaps she has taste aversion due to a bad experience as a kid). Her husband and daughters dislike this idea, and spend the duration of the fic trying to get her to eat some veggies to hilarious results. Towards the end, Derpy gets increasingly frustrated and the family gives up hope until Dinky gets the idea to bake vegetables into a muffin. (i.e. carrot muffin, spinach muffin, etc) They give Derpy the muffin without letting her know the contents, and she loves it so much she eats a whole dozen before she finds out there were vegetables in them. Then you can end on a heartwarming moment where Derpy thanks her family for helping her eat healthy or something.
That's just an idea though.
No. Just... no.
5877612 Um, that isn't what the story is about... The story is the point that Derpy is stupid.
5879569 So you're saying Derpy's abuse to her children is justified because she's stupid? That's pretty awful.
5879771
ugh! Just forget it! Horses are supposed to sleep outside!
5880924
*ponies.
Actually most horses and/or ponies sleep in stables unless they live in the wild.
Also, really? That's your justification? The show contradicts this because everypony sleeps in houses, and your own story contradicts this too. The first time Dinky is kicked out she wishes on a star to be let back in and the second time she's kicked out the first thing she does is look for some shelter. Clearly they don't want to sleep outside in the cold.
Alright look, if you really want then I will forget this fic from here on out, but what you shouldn't want is to just leave this story as it is. The point of being an author is to always strive to get better, and that means listening to your critics. Even if you don't take my advice and rewrite this fic, I hope you'll at least use it as a learning experience for future writing endeavors. Until then, good luck.
This is literally the worst fic I've ever read, and that saying a lot. I mean, its even more insufferable than this.
Well done. You killed the essence of Derpy Hooves. Everything that pony stands for, died the minute this fic even came into my consciousness.
5881645
Meanie...
Just so you know, Amethyst and Dinky are not Derpy's daughters.i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/310/679/86b.png
I think I would have more chance at understanding particle physics than grasp what you were aiming for with this work