• Member Since 20th May, 2012
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago

tailsopony


Awkward.

Sequels1

Comments ( 46 )

New clop by tailsopony? Read, liked, and faved. God job on the hypnosis.

Very like the story. Well-thought-out. Though it ends a bit abruptly to my liking and I expected going more dark in latter chapters, still it was my very pleasure reading it.
Thank you kindly.

5916029
Thanks!
Thinking on it... have a few directions to go and need to decide.

5916216
Thanks!
The sudden end is due to the sequel I want to come later. The original storyline involved slowly hiring on the Mane 6 as castle staff, gardener, aviary manager, decorator, maid, etc. Some of them Twilight was more than happy to get in on the action, with others she's more reluctant and Clean kind of goes behind her back. The antagonist was going to be Princess Luna attempting to carefully unwrap what Clean is doing while trying to not upset Twilight too much. I might keep up that storyline, but I also have a couple of fun ideas that would work well for Clean...

That being said, Pacing is one of my biggest problems. Any advice on how it could go more smoothly?

As far as dark, I was trying to write something not quite as dark as I usually do. I feel the sleep rape and Spike abuse warrents the dark tag, but other than that I'm not sure about this bit needing it. If I get around to the sequels, a few will need it. I don't have to try for dark, it comes naturally. I have to try for it to be not dark.

Thanks again for the feedback!

Wow, really liked this. Was disappointed that it just cut to her having figured things out; I liked the hypnotic elements being more believably suggestive than just mind control or spiral eyes.

5916340
Thanks! Do you think I should add a mostly clean chapter in between the clop and the letter? I'd considered it, but decided not to. But I've had two comments about the abrupt ending. Would that make it flow smoother? This is the kind of feedback I like from pre-readers!

5916265

I'd love a sequel where he tries to take control of her friends. Luna makes a great opposition for this kind of story, too; much more cloak and shadows and mystery.

5916265
Well, I don't have any real authorship experience but my notion of pacing planning might help you a bit.
Or have some fun reading my bad English and crazy ideas.
Imagine your story plot as a line divided into pieces with different length. They will represent the Pacing.

For this story, as I feel it, it's short pre-story, very long set-up, short again main course and then the end piece that feels more like afterwords with skipped final, than said final.
(I believe that, unless one's doing one joke comedy or shoсk reaction dark, main course piece should be at least half of set-up lenght and have more noticeable final.)

Hence, focus the reader's attention to the part that you consider most important in the story, making it long enough and eventful, but do not forget that other parts also must be present for the fullness and completeness of the story.

Let's be clear that all of this is my subjective point of view and ideas not based on the real author's work, though I read a lot, do editing and translating.

5916346

Nah, the abruptness is more that that sex scene was the end, not that she's suddenly writing a letter. It seemed like he'd only just begun wrapping her around his hoof. If that's for a sequel then the pacing was just fine.

5916352
Interesting. I've been thinking of the climax as just a single chapter sort of thing. Do you think I should I have it over a few chapters?

5916353
Thanks. I'm not sure. I guess if I don't do a sequel, I should have a better epilogue. But I'm pretty sure a sequel is an eventual thing for this story, so I'll leave it for now I guess.

5916393
I do think so, yes. I feel some kind of unfairness for Cleaned Corners for his long and hard work being rewarded with one fuck. I understand that is implied that he certainly have much more fun after but I believe that showing us more of live that he sought will do only good.

I didn't expect this to be as well built as it was, thank you this was a interesting and later pleasurable read, i am also happy that in the letter they seemed to have worked it out. Thank you for the story.

Gentle breeze guide your path, a warm smile welcome you home.

5916878 To be fair you did down play it in description.

5916936
I've had a problem with that in the past, so this time I made the description as simple as possible with no author commentary. Just a completely tone deaf summary. While that's also bad, I didn't think I was downplaying it this time. What made you think I was downplaying it so I can fix it? Unless you followed a link from a different site, then I might have said some disheartening things.

Was it the line about a bad OC? I should just stay away from humor. It only gets me in trouble!

5916952 ha ha, no don't, just don't make it all tone deaf and switch it to humor it kinda confuses some people, but regardless this was a great peace of work i expected terrible things (i dislike a character yelling and screaming in pain via rape.) the warnings made me afraid but am happy i went into it it wasn't anything bad in fact i found it light (dark tag my arse!) at least compared to other peoples works. most of all i expected a lot of sex, which it wasn't it was a build up and it made it all the better. You did a perfect job setting a story despite what most would consider smut it is all the same a story and the last part just makes it perfect. (now i sound like am kissing buttox great haha)

5917287
I adjusted the story summary. Man I'm bad at those things. And they're so important! Hopefully it's less off-putting.

Holy fuck this is intense so far.
Your writing of this stallion's inner thoughts is both detailed and chilling. Very well done.

Its like watching american psychopath all over again, only better.

I enjoy these dark little stories you write, entertaining those of us with a more jaded/twisted temperament and a liking for all things "wrong." :twilightsmile:

Noc

Liked & faved, also known as “the usual” for your stories. Always great to see your name appear in my feed.

I don’t really understand the meaning of Twilight’s letter, though. Where does this leave her? What’s her relationship with Cleaned now? She mentions not having “completely fix[ed] it”; which suggestions still remain? Do they still fuck, and if so, is it still with Cleaned as dominant, or something else? And is she asking for Luna’s help in undoing whatever suggestions might still be in her head, or for something other?

A lot of questions, I know, and I’d get it if some of it is left to be cleared up in a sequel, but I’d really like to know what things between her and Cleaned are like right now, and what sort of influence Cleaned still has over her, if any. That’s the crux of the story, after all, and I don’t know what’s happening with it at the end, so it’s pretty confusing.

Other than that, nothing but compliments (though it could’ve used more smut, but that’s just me being insatiable). Keep it up. :twilightsmile:

This was great, I really liked the build up to the sex scene at the end. Not too many authors can really pull that off but you've always been great at it.

I also like the ending, it'd be fun to see Twilight turn this all around and end up being the one in control. Clean Corners only realizing something has gone amiss far too late to do anything about it. Twilight believing it's all for the good of friendship because how could Corners, being the way he is, have friends any other way?:twilightsmile:

Anyway, it's great to see you writing again and I hope you keep going, your fics are like a breath of fresh air.

5918462
Thanks!

5919040
Yeah. Should've gone with purple drank instead. Grapes are nasty.

5919079
Thanks! I haven't read that, but I've been meaning to. Is it any good? Or just disturbing?

5921645
Thanks! The intent with the letter was to let you know that the whole last exchange with Clean, she had some idea that something was going on, and it was his doing. That was why she was disappointed with some of his selfish answers, and even a little distant from him. She was deciding how she was going to handle it. She didn't know what he'd done, just that he had done something. And she was able to figure out that it had to do with magic. But she was also making decisions while she was under his influence, so they definitely weren't decisions she'd normally make. Her goal (set by him) was to fuck him, so she didn't want to jeopardize that. When she thought she had messed it up by nearly killing him, it shook her up and made her analyze her priorities a little better. And that's why she was bargaining, she was afraid to hurt anybody else, Clean included. Even though she really wanted it, she wasn't willing to hurt anybody – that's her limit right now.

She thinks she got what she wanted and Clean got what he wanted. Really, Clean got what he wanted and told Twilight that she wanted it, too. Luna might not like that if she realizes what's going on.

You're absolutely right that the crux of the story is Clean's attempt at controlling Twilight, so I should have made the resolution more clear. In a word, Yes. Twilight is his subby slave for now. I really should have a day after chapter between the last scene and the letter. Maybe I'll write that up before I refocus on another project for a while. Having to add it in the comments means I didn't get it right in the story, and that never sits well with me. Thanks for posting your confusion! It helps me fix things.

5922111
Thanks!
I've found some people really like the buildup, and some people really don't. It's definitely a choice I make, and it's nice to hear that I choose right every once in a while. Maybe I'll try and write a few without it. My SO just skips the buildup and goes straight for the dirt when they read, it drives me nuts, but that's their thing. I usually skip the dirt and only read the rest of the story. Unless the dirt is really engaging for some reason.

5922413 The book is pretty good, with my only real critique of it is that I feel it overstays its welcome. You should read it if you ever have the time, but dont knock down any top tier stories on your waiting list for it.

I'll admit, I needed your clarification to understand what was happening in the end. Thought Twi was making the absolute stupidest decision in the history of ever, actually trying to reform a malignant narcissist with obsessive tendencies.

If she doesn't know how far gone he is, it's less tablet-tossy. :)

Noc

5922413
Thanks for the long reply. I love those, they really clear things up. :pinkiesmile:

I think I identified the source of my confusion – I thought the confrontation/discussion referred to in the letter was something that happened after the last chapter, off-screen, that we’re only first hearing about through Twilight’s letter, which would thus force us to guess at her true mental state and her relationship with Cleaned by reading between the lines. But if Twilight was actually referring to the “she went lust-crazy and shook him like a maraca” bit in the chapter “Disgraceful Corners”, then that would make everything much clearer. It would also mean that their agreed-upon D/s “game” is now fully in effect and Twi has no further desire to change their relationship (or his influences on her), right?

If I might make a suggestion, perhaps you could lightly reword the letter to make it clearer Twi’s referring to their argument and subsequent agreement in the last two penultimate chapters. I seem to be the only one who got mixed up, though, so no worries.


5925170
I'm sure you're not the only person who got it mixed up. Most people just don't comment! Thanks for that! I appreciate the comments telling me what people are confused about or what I messed up way more than people realize. I think I'm gonna give the story a light overhaul making the first two chapters more catchy, fixing the letter a little more, and adding a "day after" chapter. But I'm pretty IRL busy for the next couple of days, so maybe early next week or so is when I'll find time. We'll see... Thanks a bunch!

s0000000 interesting O^O

Must.... Read.... MORE!!!!

I always give a thumbs down when a mind control story has the male performing oral on the helpless female. It destroys the mood, she is getting nothing out of it, and i might lick a female to please her..but if I am enslaving her, why put MY mouth where SHE pisses?

5941103
No joke, some of us actually like licking pussy. Weird, huh? Maybe cunnilingus is one of my fetishes... It still has to do with control. It's a part of the body people keep secret and protect, so sneaking in the middle of the night and defiling it is a thrill in and of itself. Piss doesn't gross me out either. Discharge is a bit gross, but whatever. You have to make some sacrifices to get what you want.

6801989 Nice to know... you getting on the Competent Villains story cause that one I do like... It holds a special interest in my heart for some odd reason and I personally enjoy it.

Wow. That is quite a chapter. Also very sudden, I was pleasantly surprised to see it. On the chapter itself, damn 'deep' it was. Truly dark and noncon. That moment with Spike was unexpected as engaging him at all. Due to my reader experience of many stories, I at first was sure that Clened would use him only as a threat against Twilight. Here, you surprised me second time in a row.
Thank you. Will wait for the sequel. :twilightsmile:

holy shit. I come back to this after months of inactivity and suddenly, not only am I dropped back into a world of evil mind control, but now cuckoldry, too? (Kinda? That's how it made me feel.) Really well written, awesome antagonist. I can't see twilight letting it get this far but I remember previous chapters had potions and hypnosis so maybe not so unbelievable? (It's been a while.)

Wow, this story. All this defilement of something as beautiful and pure (and powerful) as Twilight. So hopelessly and utterly dominated, yet considering herself blessed. I absolutely love it.
I really wish to see how far Twilight's willing to go to make sure she remains Clean's little fuck toy princess, considering she gave him full control over the Castle for just regular sex. She didn't know he would put her through such humiliating, sinful acts, which she seems to love much more.
I'd much rather if Spike only watched, though, but eh, a kiss is not that big of a deal.
This is one of my favorite stories. Please keep up the good work!

Oh, and i agree, you should definitely revisit this last chapter because it has a lot of potential to be even better

6804406
There's been a bit of hypnosis. The bit from last night in the story wasn't ensuring clean 100% control, so in the little time skip from showering at the dark early hours of the morning to the breakfast about 4 hours or so has passed. During which time Clean has ensured complete control with heavy handed hypnotism/drugs on the way to straight up body control in this chapter. Spike still hasn't figured it out at all, and Twilight's sort of given in. Because in this story she likes that sort of thing, she just didn't know it.


6829591
Thanks! I'll get back to this, but for now I'm working on something else that may or may not be set in the same world. Sort of... I haven't decided yet. I'm gonna try and finish it before I post it though, doing chapter by chapter leads to all sorts of issues.

6802586
Thanks!

6802158
The problem I have with CV:C is that I'm kind of invested in it, so I don't want to screw it up. I should stop caring about it and just post chapters. I know how the story goes, I have it all ready, it just needs to be done... I've started and stopped writing bits and pieces of it over and over again since I did the last chapter of it, but instead of finishing it I put out a bunch of other stories of varying quality. Quite a few were non pony related, but I have nowhere to post them! So They exist for a few hours on some image board as a link that only 50 people click on until they fade away forever. I heard a rumor that Knighty was going to make this website a subset of a larger fanfiction website, and that made me excited to no end. All of the possibilities...

I appreciate the comments! Thanks again!

6832184 So you are still working on it but not at the moment and you are more or less posting pieces if not all of it elsewhere. That is my understanding or do I have it wrong (yeah I can be dense at times when it calls for else wise).:twilightblush:

There is barely anything i didnt like about this story.
Still, there are open ends. Like... the letter? Twilight asked Princess Luna to visit.
Will CleanCorner outsmart her too? The potential is there for sure :P
We will see.(If there is any sequel ever^^)

Am I the only one that wants to see a sequel with the rest of the main 6 ?:rainbowderp:

Am I the only one who was far more excited by the prospect of Twilight turning the situation completely around on Clean? When she seemed like she would rape him all because of his mistakes and his mental commands I was on the edge of my seat with a giddy smile on my face. Even so, the fact that we didn't get that is making me want to write some twisty-turny Twidom myself.

Her mental break as he took full control of her was hard for me to read. I often endure reading something I absolutely loathe if the writing is good enough to carry it and this certainly is. I believed it, aside from the turning point I mentioned above, and that's what matters. Further, I must admit her magically explosive orgasm was a true pleasure to read, and Spike's forced involvement tied the scene together and is a great piece of setup for the sequel.

Overall this was fantastic, had wonderful and unique sexual situations, and delivered on its promise of being quite dark. I'm sad I didn't find this sooner.

7453090
Fine. Be that way.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/393645/cleaned-castle


8593068
Thanks! Appreciate the comment! Working on the sequel.

Hot dang, I did not expect to be as much into this concept as I first thought. But you wrote this just right to catch my interest for sure. Imma make sure to check out the sequel.

8659111
And not just him. lol. Quite a few folks.

He's not a bad guy though, I PM'ed him later about other things. He just is very particular about what he likes. Which is fine. I'm also embarrassed by my response, because I didn't think it through. I was just like "WTF guy, really?" But I never delete things. So my embarrassing response is there forever!

8659111
I would be happy to teach you :) I do teach college level Biology.... In any case, the question still stands. I do not condemn the action, I just do not understand it... if that's what you like, I REALLY wish I was a female and you would do that...of course that would take the thrill away from the taboo..if your subject is willing.

I do try to be a nice guy, and yes I am pretty specific in what I...dislike, anyway

8660234
Ok

#1. Please remember *I* am not the one who started out with calling YOU a "liar" or hinting at such.

#2. What you say, IS, of course true...if you CARE about the person "being taken" I do not remember in the story where the person CARED if she was in pain, or you were doing damage.

#3. what IS often used IS saliva, but there against that someone who CARES, there are about a billion OTHER plot devices you can use to lubricate, if that's what you want...to include manual stimulation or using HER saliva...

Once again my complaint is NOT that you don't like it, or *I don't like it...my [problem is with my suspension of disbelief...the character personality, in my opinion, did not fit his actions....and for all the reasons YOU stated, an uncooperative female would do..to make the act far less pleasant for the male forcing himself on her.

And finally yes Saliva and licking IS uses almost exclusively in BDSM..and without trying to accuse YOU...shows little thought behind the story and a rush to just get to what ya like...

For a moment, I thought I was going to die. I was sure she was going to kill me. She shook me hard and it hurt. I was completely disoriented and had no idea what to do as my body was wrecked with pain. It felt like my limbs would fling off. So I cried. I lost all of my refined composure, years of practice and a lifetime of holding back gone in an instant just to start sobbing and begging her to stop hurting me. Between wracked “No more!”s and “Please stop!”s, I slowly realized the violent shaking had abated and I was curled on the table in a fetal position at Twilight's feet. Everything hurt, and the world was dizzy and red.

Perhaps karma has decided that it wouldn't let you go completely unpunished.

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