- Member Since 12th Mar, 2015
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storm128
A very inconsistent author with an affinity for making things sadder than they have to be.
storm128
Joined 12th Mar, 2015 ·
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Oh boy, this is a shame. If the 21,000 words are anything to judge by, you worked hard on this, only for it to be rejected because of two words and a colon. Listen, there's no easy way to say this, but there's a stigma against Fallout Equestria "sequels" or side-stories, purely because there's so many of them. Any story that claims to be one of these will be almost immediately downvoted.
Now, I can't give this story a read, because I'm rather busy and am currently working through the original. However, if the long description says anything, it's that "This is a quality work!" This makes it all the more sad that its source material destroyed it's potential.
5866707 Eloquently put, haha. Thanks for the heads up, and you're right, I did put quite a bit of time and effort into this. Though Fimfiction is only one of the places that I'll be trying to distribute, so I won't let a few downward thumbs and an affiliation with The Badfic Bin get me down. I've got quite a tale planned out here, so I'll certainly still be moving forward with this. Enjoy the original, and hopefully I can get your feedback one day.
Cheers
5866802 To be honest, skimming through the chapter, I see something great, much better than the other stories that claim to be in affiliation with it. That's really all I can give you for feedback, as I'm more of a "badfic" reviewer than a "goodfic" reviewer.
5866834 That sounds like a great piece of feedback right there, thanks.
I haven't given this a read yet either, and I myself am working through the main fic, but seeing as you made a 21K+ word chapter, I can only assume it is good. So, I will read this later. The description is rather intriguing as well. My only pet-peeve with this is there's way too many tags.
5866944 I suppose some of them are a bit redundant. It's probably hard to say without reading it, but any suggestions on which ones should go? And thank you as well, hopefully this lives up to expectations.
5866969 I would personally suggest removing the 'Tragedy' and 'Sad' tags, as the Dark tag makes up for the both of them. After that, the decision is pretty hard.
6009855 Thank you, and worry not, even after starting from scratch three times, chapter two is well on the way. Now that my finals are over, I'm going to have a lot more time to devote to this, just have to get through a couple cons first. I'm hoping to have the next chapter out before June. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
I hope that the length of this comment is actually a good thing, and apologize if it's not.
This fic is good. Unfortunate that you seem to have gotten a visit from the downvote brigade.... But, judging from your comments, you seem unperturbed by this, which is good. I don't think Fimfic's anti-FOE stigma has any real effect on this story's potential. I think the issue might be some strong similarities to another well known FOE side story.
At first glance, this fic reminds me of Murky. About halfway through, I started thinking, 'no, this is nothing like Murky.' And then towards the end, I thought, 'well, maybe it's like Murky, but that statement doesn't convey anything worth conveying.'
I'm afraid that others will glance at this, think it's just like Murky Number Seven, and then immediately write it off and not give it a fair chance. Yes, it is like Murky, but that doesn't mean anything. I'm afraid people will stop at the 'it's Murky' part of that train of thought without pursuing it all the way.
If I really analyze my observation that 'it's like Murky,' really what I'm thinking is that you have a series of events going from bad to worse and a protagonist pretty much helpless to stop them. Oh, and it happens to involve slaves. This is an entirely useless observation. Saying this fic is 'like Murky' is a bit like saying that it's like pretty much every novel, in that the protagonist struggles a lot and bad things happen. That's not just being like Murky; that's being like the best stories that have captivated audiences throughout history.
I really hope this doesn't just become 'the other Murky,' because that's not what it is. They both happen to involve slaves and a helpless protagonist, but... so what? Does it matter? If you have your own unique cast of characters (which, so far, it looks like you will), then there's no reason why there wouldn't be room enough for more than one story about slaves in the Wasteland.
Here are a few other observations of mine, which may or may not be more useful than that one. I hope they are! They're just my opinions, though.
Writing Style
I considered removing this part of my comment, because it stopped bothering me about a quarter of the way into the story. So, keep that in mind.
It seemed like the narrative voice was trying too hard to be eloquent towards the beginning. Not quite purple prose, but leaning in that direction, just a little bit. I don't think this is an issue worth going back and editing, just something to keep in mind as the story goes forward. Kkat had the same problem. Her writing got really good when she stopped trying to sound fancy and just focused on telling the story.
Overall, your writing is really solid. The vocabulary and sentence structures are varied; the descriptions are clear. There are a hooffull of grammar mistakes involving commas, but nothing significant.
Dark
This fic is *really* dark. You know this already. Have you considered putting up a trigger warning? Murky was dark enough to put people off and really bother them, but rape was too dark, even for Murky. Even if your scene here was brief, it was rather... disturbing.
You did a good job with that scene, though, I think, coming from a person with no real experience on the matter.
That Scene Where Stuff Happened (I.e., the jailbreak)
Venture seemed way too... collected once shit hit the fan. Up until this point, I thought his character had been portrayed in a sufficiently realistic manner, but he seemed to lose that when this started. He wasn't nearly panicked enough. If you meant to imply that adrenaline numbed all of that and allowed him to just react, that's well and good, but that wasn't clear, and it just seemed that he wasn't reacting with quite the level of shock and horror that one would expect. There are a few key moments that really gave this impression.
One was when he first realized what was happening and immediately suited up to head out, without much hesitation, fear, or second-guessing.
I could call this a show vs. tell issue. "I was terrified," "my instincts screamed no," "I couldn't live with myself," "I shook off the image." This is more or less just telling.
The second moment was when he so easily decided to ignore that one pony just outside Syringe's office.
Again, I could call this a show/tell issue. "It broke my heart to do so."
When Venture actually shot Syringe, he got over it way too fast, if that's the first time he killed a pony.
I don't think these issues are actually worth taking the time and effort to go back and revise, but I thought I'd point it out so you can keep it in mind as you go forward.
These two mild complaints probably aren't worth mentioning, but I typed them and you might want to read them. At the very least, they show that a reader was paying attention. :P
Mild complaint: checking a field medic manual for information on gunshot wounds? Anyone with any intention of being a field medic would have read up and memorized a lot of that stuff beforehand, not needing to check the book in the middle of trying to save someone. If I were a field medic in the Wasteland, I'm pretty sure gunshot wounds would be the first thing I learn, and I would learn them so thoroughly I can treat them without thinking.
Mild complaint: why would escaped slaves bother to raid the kitchen? I mean, yeah, they're starving, but if they have the energy to raid the kitchen, they have the energy to escape. I would think that the choice between the two is rather obvious and nigh universal...
This was great. It's a little bit weird for a slaver to ask for a hug, but this was great. Cinnamon Dash made me sad. Good job with that.
Looking forward to chapter two, when I get a chance.
Alright, so here's my take on it so far.
The first chapter was good. Really good. Not quite perfect, as there were a few small parts that seemed a bit off and a couple places that were "tell-y" rather than "show-y." But definitely top-shelf material as far as fanfiction goes.
The reasoning behind Venture not leaving with the sisters, for example, seemed to come a little too quickly. Especially to a young mind. Don't get me wrong, it made sense. But it's hard for me to imagine that a 10 year old kid would think like that. Especially one raised by slavers.
With that being said, the first chapter was very enjoyable. I thought you handled all the scenes pretty damn well, and the final moments of chapter 1 were a real tear-jerker. I was left wondering just how bad things were gonna get, and looking forward to seeing that story continue.
But... then chapter 2 came along. I'm just gonna go ahead and throw a spoiler on my thoughts here.
The format change threw me for a loop. I figured some big changes were in store what with a 14.5 year time-skip and all, but leading off in 3rd person past with an emphasis on an entirely different character made me check the page just to be sure I was reading the same story. Lavender herself is an interesting character though, so once I figured out what was going on it was no big deal. But still, that shift in style felt odd, and I couldn't quite get it out of the back of my head. I'm curious why you decided to write her segments in 3rd person.
But the real problem comes with what little Venture has grown into. Grown-up Venture/Stab comes off as a 2edgy4me Mary Sue, and despite all of his heat-of-the-moment wit (Very Joker-esque, by the way. I liked that) and admittedly entertaining combat skills, this is a problem. I understand that you tried to hang a lampshade on it with Koe's comment about the name "Stab," but it didn't work due to how the chapter played out. Let me explain why he comes off this way.
First off, with the time-jump and the stark contrast between little Venture and grown up Stab, the same character feels like two different people. All of that wonderful drama and character development that you built up in the first chapter is lost, leaving the reader wondering why we should care about this new person. This is only exacerbated when we get the character description and see how easily he intimidates the general.
Secondly, the build up and scope didn't make sense. Let me get this straight... The Enclave fears this fellow enough to send a damn Thunderhead after him? These aren't some two-bit mercs with hand-me-down weaponry they got from whoever they managed to kill or a handful of malnourished scavengers living in a shanty town. This is The Enclave, the pinnacle of technological advancement and the height of military might in all of Equestria, possibly even the world. And even with the corruption in their government/military, a Thunderhead-class warship is a massive troop deployment and allocation of resources that would be hard to justify or cover up. You've instantly bumped this character up to the same level as Red-Eye, LittlePip, or DJ-Pon3 on The Enclave's shit-list. That's a lot of importance to place on one pony, and before he was brought on board it didn't seem like that pony had done anything to warrant that level of response. More on that in a bit.
The EIW, while a charming idea for your own world-building, struck me as lackluster as well. These guys were supposed to be the elite of the elite, right? So... better even than a squad of Wonderbolts? How were such amazing soldiers dispatched so easily? Those fights should have been much, MUCH harder for Stab. I've still no clue how he managed to survive the fall in the elevator shaft.
And then there's the big one: he actually managed to kill the general. This is the one that really gets me, as I can't help but feel that a wonderful opportunity was wasted. Yes, the general was scum. We get it. He had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. But he's still an Enclave general and the son of a High Council Member. Chances are he had at least some amount of cunning to him. Instead of killing the general and pole-vaulting right into "no obstacle can stop me" territory, Stab should have failed.
Most of the above problems could have been fixed easily if Stab had been stopped right here. General hits a panic button, soldiers step in, Stab is forced to retreat through the escape hatch (which felt like a cop-out anyway, honestly, even if the tech does make sense). Then you get the opportunity to have Lavender form a reluctant partnership with the good general in order to avenge her sister. Her motivations are the same, and she has the backup of a powerful officer who may, just may, actually come to respect her for her abilities. Extra drama and opportunity for development of the supporting character, the main character doesn't achieve Sue status, and you keep the reader's attention.
Sorry for the long response. I had some really high hopes after seeing how wonderful the first chapter was. I liked some of the dialogue in chapter 2 and got some good chuckles out of Koe. (That George Carlin reference brought a smile to my face, too.) But, I feel like you should have stuck with the story of the colt and developed little Venture a bit more. If you had given him a full story with some amount of resolution, then you could have introduced this multiple-personality-disorder character to us at a later time with no problem whatsoever.
6357356
6361029
Can I just start by saying, wow, and thank you. To say that both of you have given me a lot to think about would be a huge understatement. I cannot thank you both enough for putting so much time and effort into your critiques. The detail and care you both used gives me a bit of hope that I'm not just wasting my time, and that there are people invested enough in the story to want to see it written in a satisfying way. A goal we share, I assure you.
6361029 First off, Arowid, I adore your work, and I almost completely lost it when I saw that you'd recommended Insanity's Flight on reddit. Your recommendation for how chapter 2 should've ended is absolutely brilliant, and I can't believe I didn't think of it. It makes so much more sense with what I have planned in the future, and it is not an opportunity I want to leave missed. Although chapter 1, I will admit, was written over a far longer period of time, with fewer re-writes, and with the aid of better intoxicants. Whereas chapter 2 was primarily written over four or five panicked writing sessions with the mindset, "Oh fuck, it's been three months since I put out a chapter, I've started over six times, and I have no idea where to go from here." To that end, I've given your critique more weight than any other I've received so far. So, please, don't take anything I'm about to say as a defense of the story, or a reason that I want to keep a certain element involved. I'd just like you to hear my reasoning.
Originally, the structure I had planned for this story was almost exactly what you're describing. The first volume or so would've described younger Venture's formative years, introducing the characters and events that would eventually lead up to what is now chapter 2. I was planning for several small time jumps as he grew up, with a final (not 14 1/2 years) one leading into Stab's story. However, after speaking with a friend of mine who also happens to moderate the Looking for Editors group, he informed me that that structure wouldn't be well received. His reasoning was that readers wouldn't enjoy it if the main plot suddenly switched gears at a volume break, but if, instead, they were made used to the gear switching by having the chapters switch back and forth, chapter by chapter, it would be more universally enjoyable. So, that's the direction I was going with chapter two. I wasn't planning to abandon the story of Venture's growing up, but it was going to be staggered along with what I'll call the main plot of Insanity's Flight.
The other reason I chose to go with this structure was because of a point I believe both you and Mixolydian Grey mentioned, and that is the influence of MN7. Now, don't get me wrong, I adore MN7, and I wouldn't come close to try and compare my writing to it. However, the only thing I have that really comes close to a complaint is the first several chapters. It's not that they're badly written, quite the opposite, but the sheer staggering amount of shit that happens to Murky, and with the amount of detail put into each event, it almost becomes a slog to get through. Insanity's Flight is not going to be much different. Things are going to get far worse for younger Venture before they get better, and I just didn't want my readers to share the same opinion about IF as I do on MN7. Not wanting to go back and re-read the story, or read it for the first time, because of how painful these chapters are going to be. I thought that, if I mixed up the tone a bit, then it would keep more people reading as they wouldn't be trying to get through a depressing slog every time I post a new chapter.
It may sound like I'm making this out to be why I'm staying with this structure. However, ever since I read your critiques, I've been giving serious consideration to shelving chapter two in its current form, and going back to my original structure. I still have a good portion of my original chapter two completed (I'd just planned to use it for chapter 4), so it wouldn't be a huge leap to just replace Captured with whatever I end up calling this one. Also, I'm hoping that Arowid would be ok with me potentially using his ideas for the ending and other various events of Captured, once it gets re-released.
I'd love to hear both your thoughts on this, as these are the absolute greatest critiques I've received so far. I'm also sorry it took me a week to respond, moving and illness both played their roles, but I've read both of your comments time and time again and, believe me, they've made a monumental impact. It's nice to finally have a couple of readers that are willing to take me to task on something they don't like, because I do want IF to be as enjoyable to as many people as possible, else, why would I publicly release it? I have no issues with changing aspects of the story if anyone believes that they can be improved, I just need people to tell me what those aspects are. Hopefully this response isn't too long and you both can get around to reading this and giving me your thoughts. Thank you again, and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
6381895 I'm just glad that you're not giving up or getting flustered here. It can be hard to deal with criticism, but you're handling it like a pro.
Feel free to use any old idea I spout off if you think it can help you out. No worries.
As far as my thoughts on how you should proceed... That would be up to you. I can offer opinions, but the fact is that you understand this story and how it should play out better than anyone. Just do whatever you think is best for the story and you'll be fine, I'm sure. After all, you wowed everybody with that first chapter, so we know you have it in you.
And now for some
awfulquestionable advice.The idea of going back and forth like that is intriguing. I'd be careful that both stories "line up" in regards to events, but if done well this could certainly work. For the life of me, I can't recall ever reading any sort of story that followed this format, so I'm just gonna wing it when it comes to "advice." In other words, be warned, I'm just making stuff up at this point.
My initial thoughts are that this sort of format will probably have the greatest impact if the story follows a specific pattern. That pattern being that both "Venture" and "Stab" have separate but parallel adventures which can play off of each other thematically. Or even that both stories climax at the same moment, for reasons which are somehow linked or even directly tied to each other.
Of course, all of that might work better if the two stories were the same length. So... Have you considered writing both stories simultaneously? Perhaps writing the first section of the chapter from the perspective of Venture, and then the last part from the perspective of Stab? Each portion of Venture's story would come off much like a flashback sequence, but you'd be able to immediately compare and contrast the young colt and adult stallion in the same chapter. Possibly by remembering hardships endured in his earlier life Stab will understand how to get out of whatever his current predicament happens to be.
Just tossing ideas out there.
In regards to using your original structure, hmm...
I can certainly see why you were cautioned against jumping to Stab's story all at once, but that's kinda what happened anyway with the current chapter 2. Much of the backlash was because the change was so jarring, which is ironic since it seems that is exactly what you were trying to avoid. I'd venture (heh) to say that if the time jumps were spaced evenly and had solid but gradual character development in them, then you'd be better off going with a slow ramp up to Stab as opposed to flip-flopping back and forth between child/adolescent and adult.
If, for example, the reader has been primed by 2-3 consecutive chapters of 3-5 year time skips, then it won't come as such a shock when we find that our protagonist is suddenly fully grown. We'll have been expecting it ever since we saw those little words "Three years later..." at the top of a chapter.
I'd like to stress though, that all of this is just the personal opinions and random musings of an over-caffeinated and sleep-deprived mind. Feel free to use or disregard as you see fit.
And by the way,
D'aww... shucks. Thanks.
Cant wait for more!!
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)
6582985 Wow.
Thank you so much.
6585169 np! feel free to join the group!
I like it. Keep going. :D
7927770 Thank you, I'm glad you're enjoying it.
It's nice to see a FoE story that isn't littered with typos from the get go. Kudos to you there, sir, especially when you have persevered with writing despite the unfair rating this has gotten. I know the pain of trying to write a Fallout crossover and putting your heart and soul into the tale, only to get unexplained hate and downvotes for it. Hence, I hope that my thumb up can help your story achieve what you want it to.
7958834 Thank you so much
I admit, it's been disheartening at times, but I've also put too much time and effort into this to stop now. Encouraging comments like this do make it feel a lot more worthwhile.
I don't get it. Everytime I read a new chapter from this fic I just wonder how something written this well has so much of hate, it truly does trigger me a tad bit. From my own personal perspective, aswell as the many others that enjoy this...You sir, have done well.
8695828
It's really not so much the hate, I welcome criticism, but what bothers me more is the silence. However, when I get comments like these, it reminds me there really is a handful of people enjoying the story. Knowing that, I'm always happy to continue. Thank you.
You have absolutely no idea how much you just made my day.
8695828
Err,,, it's Fallout fanfiction? It's "kinda" norm to hate it?
8696292
Chill. It's really hard to get many likes writing FoE. Don't let that fact make you stop.
8785476
Wouldn't dream of it. Thanks for the encouragement.
I have tried time and time again to sit myself down and get this thing of my "read later" list, but I must admit that 21K words for a prologue are scaring me away each and every time. If you need 28% of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone as an aperitif to entice new readers to go into the story... 28%. In other statistics is that about 2-3 hours of reading on the intro to the story.
I hate leaving a chapter half finished, but with how things are right now do I perhaps have 1½ hour of reading time in the weekdays, which means that I should need a weekend with no distractions to begin reading this, and the 2 next chapters as well.
If I can come with one advice to gain more views and better like/dislike scores would it be chopping up those 3 first chapters into more reader friendly sizes, and a max 3K word long prologue.
8991561
Let me just say, first and foremost, thank you so much for this. I have been starving for some critical feedback on this story for quite some time, and the chapter lengths have been one of my primary concerns. I have felt the prologue is incredibly long, and that it has been holding the story back in a lot of respects so it's nice to have some confirmation on that.
I started writing this story immediately after reading Project Horizons and I was ensnared into the idea of longer chapters. The prologue was, initially, never meant to be a prologue. It was meant to be the second chapter, an aspect of the original story structure which would have had chapters swapping back and forth between two different time periods in the main characters life. However, after some feedback, I decided to relegate that chapter as a prologue so as to make sure I didn't have to remove it entirely. It was a weird idea that I now regret trying to make work. At this point, I'm hesitant to delete or reformat the chapter. I'm mostly just unsure of how I would do this and still ensure the rest of the story still makes sense in context. I've even now included an interlude that is entirely reliant on the context the prologue provides.
I do want to reformat that chapter as well as the first few. However, since I'm currently lacking an editor and consistent feedback, it's hard to find the proper way to do so on my own. Again thank you so much for this comment and, if you could ever find the time, I would love any feedback as to how I can cut these chapters down to be a more palatable length for future readers. I'll continue trying on my own, but I'm constantly tempted to just continue on with the story whenever I find the spare moments to sit down and write. It's difficult to try and restructure when I want to get the whole of the story written out.
One of the most important thing about a good story is to have a solid foundation to build on. The first impression makes or breaks any story, because no matter how good it becomes after a while does it not matter if no one stuck around to see it. I know that it isn't the best solution, but since you admit that the prologue is only one in name only would a quickfix of throwing on a "War, war dosn't change" intro where you explain a bit about the setting of the story. Think about the giant difference in tone between Fallout Nev Vegas that didn't had any intros, beside intros to DLCs, and the other games that sat you down to explain how the setting is.
As said would it be a quickfix to throw 1-2K words on the beginning to the story and not fix the chapters lengths, but I am pretty sure that it will help you hook more readers.
Ohh and PH and chapter length... A lot of readers gave up on PH because the chapters got so long and felt bloated at times, so aiming to write as that is not the best strategy.
Dude.
Just... dude!
I'm so happy to have found this story, you can't even imagine! A FoE story, with an actual 100% original story different from most others written on this website? Humongous, 20k+ chapters that leave me reading for hours on end without having to worry about when I have access to the internet again to load the next chapter? Relatable, likable and realistic characters AND a story so gripping, I may or may not have blown through the entirety of your masterpiece in one-and-a-half days -a new record for lil' ol' me-?
You, sir, have an incredible talent for story-crafting and -telling, and you should be proud for it! It is, in my humble opinion, inconceivable and frankly disgusting how you were denied your rightful fan-base and recognission as the talented writer you are just because some narrow-minded people decided "that all FoE stories are bad!!!1!!!" and thus downvoted your story without giving it a chance. Because, and believe me on this, if they had, they most certainly wouldn't have reacted this way.
I wish you well for your future, and I hope that you'll still have as much fun as you had untill now writing this. Because it just shows through this quality writing how much you love doing this, and it would be a shame if you decided to discontinue it just as you got a new faithful follower, eh? ;-)
9022970
I can't even begin to tell you how much this means to me, thank you so much. I legitimately started to tear up a bit reading your comment. I will admit, the lack of feedback (both positive or negative) has been a drain as I've continued with this story, but I still want it finished. I enjoy writing it, but it is difficult to stay motivated at times. However, even just a few encouraging words (not to mention the incredible praise you just heaped on me) always makes the process feel worthwhile. Do not fear, I'm always willing to continue. Despite the silence, I do have plans for this story that I absolutely want to see realized. I almost have another couple of shorter chapters completed, since I've been working off of prior feedback to shorten them. Personally, I do prefer the longer chapters as well, but it seems that many others do not and I fear that has been one of the factors holding the story back from reaching a wider audience.
Again, thank you for this. It's always helpful to know that there are people out there waiting for and wanting to see how this story plays out. I have no plans to abandon it, and I hope you continue to enjoy the content that I am able to put out.
So back at reading again after a two week break, lets take this chapter to the chopping block and axe it up into bite size pieces so I can be lazy at work and read this whole thing when there are no customors around. Now as mentioned before are these chapters rather big for my taste, so I will properly chop my chapters, and therefore comments, into pieces at times. So if you ever feel like the comment lack to cover a lot of stuff do you know why. Now onwards to the chapter!
So I am not gonna spoiler wall anything as such, if you read comments and reviews will you encounter spoilers one way or another after all.
I love the wording of this. Its simple, yet it tells us so much about the storyteller and the viewpoint of the wasteland that we are gonna explore. That the "the"s have been capitalized is a bit weird in my opinion.
So I know that she have another name, and that mixing anime and FoE is bad bad karma, looking at you PH... But that Lieutenant will from now on be known as Olivier Armstrong AKA Ice Queen to me from this point out, and nothing that you say and do will make me change that nickname!
Sniffle… lines such as this… they touch my heart. Bravo I say, bravo!
Instant fav from that line alone. Stories that can me laugh out loud does always get one of those!
So we have talked a bit about length before, and I must say that the first part of this chapter, with its perfect break after best pony ever got introduced would have made a perfect prologue with no edits to it what so ever. Just cut the first 6K words out of this chapter and make them into the prologue with no edits added and you are golden. We would have a perfect view of the Ice Queen, perfect view of how rotten the Enclave can be and just having ended an amazing scene that I haven't seen anyone else match in ages. Best part is that it would end on the perfect cliff hanger about what there would come next, especially with the character shift that happens afterwards, which is like one of my favorite literature tools since forever! Seeing the same setting with multiple eyes are just golden <3
OI! As a Dane, AKA the original Vikings do I take strong offence towards this scene!... We burn the woman and rape the houses, but we do not pillage anyone! And Vikings were the original pirates just saying, just doing mead instead of rum!
Welp… I am hooked! The chapters is a bit bigger than my liking, but you clearly know what to do with your words. Often are the main problem about big chapters not their size, but how bloated they are. PH is a good example, the chapters became longer and longer, less and less happening in each as more and more unneeded filler entered each and every one of them.
Nitpicks: I have been a pre-reader/editor for a handful of years now, so I must sadly admit that I have taken work damage and bring up the smallest of stuff to iron out.
"Fallout Equestria: Insanity’s Flight By Storm128 Prologue: Captured" Now the whole chapter name in the chapter is something that I personally dislike, you have it written there when you click on it after all, but I get why some does it. The credit and title of the story thou would I recomend removing completely, and then taking the chapter title, blow it up in some nice big letters and center it. Right now does it look like an ordinary line after all.
"several rows of rivets ran the lengths of heavy metal plate." Is it not missing a the?
". Most of the personnel on hoof for this operation were fresh recruits being introduced to life groundside for the first time" Would "At wing" not be more xenophobic towards the dirty dirty mudblood ponies that soil themselves on the icky ground?
"her communicator interrupted her again" Linebreak error. Fimfic is not friends with google docs or word for that matter, so expect a few of these, seems to pop up in many stories lately.
"the armored mare shrieking as the pile of metal and maniac pinned her to the floor." Would mister best pony call himself for a maniac?
"After what seemed an eternity of neverending ladder," feels like it is missing an a
"He paused for a second before continuing" This should not be italic
Time to break hole on another one! Rare that I do two chapters in a row, like to treat good stories like good chocolate, letting them slowly fill my whole body with their taste before going to the next one… Ehhh chocolate orgy it is today!
Seeing a "War, war never changes" prologue in the second chapter is a very bold move, and as said before, with your long chapters would cutting this out and pasting it as the prologue, even if it would be a bit short then, be more inviting than what we have right now. Beside, "atomic desolation", while perfect for Fo does this have an E on the end, so no atomic radiation, only necromatical fallout that twist and turn the land and can be cured by very very old rancid orange juice.
So I am a pretty Jared guy… but seeing how loving Change can be… Ewww just ewww! I read PH and felt that the warning was overplayed, but damn… Never have I been so taken back and surprised by a story ever. First learning that the cute Mister Best Pony was a slaver, and then that… I hope that they soon invent some kind of brain bleach because I will need it. Normally when others goes into subjects like this do i sigh and groan over how they do it to create reactions, looking at you PH, but this… With how… well casually it describe it as if it was the most natural thing ever... Yea… Just yea…
Damn, Best Pony Ever sure have some bad luck with the people that want to huggle and snuggle him... Better luck in the future little one!
Nitpick:
"Fifteen Years Before The Destruction of The Cloud Layer" While written in bold letters does it kinda get lost in the rest of the text, so I would say center it.
" the scleras both the vibrant yellow that resulted from radiation poisoning" I feel like this part needs the words mixed around
"The gaze bore into me with what seemed like a mixture of contempt and…need. " Welp this have a need for a space.
Wait… you call the guard Amber one moment and Ambrosia the next… which one is it?
". Just needed the right amount strength." feels as if there are missing a word
"Eventually, I couldn’t concentrate on anything aside from trying to find a way to breath without a mini-nuke going off in my chest." Balefire-egg
First of all... FIRST! A bad habit I know, but I do so enjoy setting my mark on good stories.
So a content warning... after that last chapter... Well time to buckle up and hold on to hats and glasses because this is gonna be a wild ride!
And what a while ride it was. I have mentioned PH before, and where PH failed by drawing the scene out in an attempt to make the reader even more uncomfortable must I say that this scenes shortness makes it so much more... well effective. I sighed and groaned at Blackjack because she put herself into the situation and she was so bo-hoooo about it afterwards... Best Pony Ever... Best Pony Ever act as a more believable a rape victim. There are a scene in GoT where two chars talk about how one saved a whore from being raped, and ended up in her bed as thanks, but as he later reflected on was it all fake, the last thing on a rape victims mind would be sex, and for Best Pony Ever is even the mere touch of another too much for him to handle. I do honestly not know what I should feel or think about all of this, but one thing can I say, this feels so spot on where PH felt overplayed.
Each time that I am on vacation with my father in law does he make those threats at my girlfriend and I... I know the fear of the overly false morning songs
Quite the ride, and quite the introduction on Best Voice in Head ever!
Nitpick:
" But over ever since I’ve been trapped down here" delete
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. Thank you so much for coming back to this story, and so much more for how in depth you are with this feedback. Like I said, I've been starving for some critical feedback and you're providing it in spades. So many of the ideas in here I've been worried about, whether they add to the story in a meaningful way and if everything is coming together cohesively, so it's incredibly refreshing to hear which ideas are (or are not) working out.
Wow, this is incredible
I find this perfectly acceptable, please carry on. Your suggestion on which part to relegate as the "real" prologue is also very helpful. Ever since your first comment, I've been trying to figure out how best to bring that together, and I think taking the first part of the chapter is a pretty clever idea. And yeah, the "War never changes" bit has been there since the first chapter was posted, and I'd been considering on how to expand on it for a better prologue.
In the context of the events to come, and how Venture ends up responding to them, I think he would. He's a fairly self-aware psychopath, but if you think it's a little too on the nose, it wouldn't be a big issue for me to change.
Not to be too spoilery, but his luck stat is... quite low
Voices might just be the hardest bit of writing I've ever typed out, not to mention published. It took me longer than any other chapter just because I was so concerned on whether or not I was taking things too far, and if I was giving the events the proper care and respect they deserved. I wrestled with myself endlessly on if it was something worth including in the story (not to mention it being the longest chapter and taking place entirely in a cave, not easy to make engaging), without it just being another bad thing to happen to the main character. Also, as you probably noticed with your inclusion of "first", it never really got any specific feedback. So it's a huge weight off my shoulders to hear that it was enjoyable (if that's the right word). It also doesn't hurt that you said I handled it better than one of the most popular side-fics in the fandom
. I put a lot of thought into it, so it's nice to hear that paid off.
For me it was my mother... every morning before school *shudder*. I still get flashbacks.
Koe is, quite frankly, one of my favorite parts of this story. I've always been fascinated with the "voice in the head" in all types of media. He's kind of an amalgamation of my favorite versions of that trope like Frank in Donnie Darko, Hoji in Shadow Warrior, Celebrimbor in Shadow of Mordor, Deadpool and his dialogue boxes, etc.
I'll definitely get to work on fixing the rest of your critiques (how did I make so many grammar errors
) and yeah, I do import from Google Docs and I try to make sure the formatting imports properly, but obviously I need to put a little more work into that. Again, thank you so much for the amount of effort you've put into your responses, and I'm excited to know how you like the rest of the story.
Also, just as an aside, since your massive spring cleaning undertaking, I've definitely noticed an uptick in traffic for this story, so that's just another thing I have to thank you for. Thank you so much for that, I know it couldn't have been easy, but I appreciate it.
Wow... So clicking on this chapter did I first think that there were something wrong with my computer, but by changing a few of my story settings can I see that the letters in this chapters apparently have been coded to be black, which is a shame since I normally read with night mode and the default very dark blue background. I would have thought that it was on my end, but when I try to do the "green on black" setting does the letters not change, so there are properly some code voodoo going on behind the scenes.
Its weird to think that 4 chapters in are we already with the halfwaypoint... of what there are written that is. I know that I sound like a broken record... but chapter length! The chapters are amazing as is, so I can see why you wouldn't want to edit them in any way or form, but cutting them up where there are natural breaks would hopefully convince people that is as foolish as I was before I got hooked to give the story the change that it deserve, because looking at your story stats (and wow 9 downvotes in the first month alone... yea ignore those fuckers!) can you see a bad downwards curve that show that a lot of peeps click on the first, even the second chapter as well, but then suddenly drop the story for whatever weird reason they have.
So there is this weird case of catch 22, that the more that I like a story, the less I comment on it, since I just want to read and read without distractions. So unless something big and major come up should you not expect me to say as much as I have lately. I see no need to praise what have already been praised or point out returning things that have been pointed out before.
Nitpicks:
" The words tasted vile as they passed tongue" missing a my
"I picked myself up off the floor as I spat an orange-tinted bile" delete
" The multitude of broken bones made him look like a crippled bird desperately trying take flight." feels like it is missing a to
"nd the cracking of distant of rifles indicated sniper positions somewhere out in the surrounding desert. " delete
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Compared between the length of chapters and the amount of nitpicks you have do you have one of the lowest ratios that I have seen so far, like only a few stories out there ain't getting nitpicked at, but as said, professional non native autistic pre-reader with work damage, the non native part is surprisingly important, you ask a lot more questions to yourself if you are new to a language instead of having grown up with it.
So since I don't go that much into detail about the rape scene, and no one else wanted to talk about it, let me do a rare follow up.
As you say is it clear that you have respect for the subject, something that I never felt that PH, or any other story with a sexually assaulted character in them have as such. In most other stories that I have seen do the character quickly overcome their "woe is me" arc, and actually comes out stronger afterwards(!). Here does Mister Best Pony clearly have scars to this (that is first chapter) point in time, and while he have changed on a lot of personal virtues does he still stand strong on rape towards Koe, even after promising to follow his every word and bidding.
And with that respect behind it does the impact have so much more weight. There were droves of people that left PH after the rape scene since it was so untasteful, a lot saying that they did personally not mind the subject, but it was the amount of detail that made them gag and run screaming away. Its kinda like the difference between a B splatter movie and a proper suspense horror movie. One goes "Look at me, look at me!" while doing autistic screeching to make people go ohh and ahh, the other... well you never see it coming before it hits you mental spot where it really hurts.
Or rather I think the difference between your scene and PH's is that PH tried to force feed us the scene, you do just present it as is. Stories that hit you on the head with specific themes are never as impactful as those that just present them, the difference between "Save the environment!" in a Haio Miyazaki anime and Captain Planet.
Once in school did I read a book that properly had the biggest impact on how I view literature. Long story short was it about a little girl on vacation at her grandmother, but without the reader really noticing it are they fed more information about the area where they are on vacation, and via that a specific painter known in Danish history, than the main character or any other living character in the story. Moral of that story, topics mentioned in passing, details giving to flesh out a story, all the elements of a very well constructed background, fills more and are more memorable than a flashy foreground.
To end a long rant, you served the scene in its rawest sense, not dulling it in any way or form, but did not add to it either which was perhaps even more importantly.
And for the spring cleaning... It was really not that much work to be honest. Beside do I have a lot of dead time at my work where I sit on a computer, and putting stories in folders is a good healthy way of digesting the chapter you have just read and made yourself ready for the next one.
GASP! Evil twist is evil and inspired from futurama... A few select people will get that joke! I kinda guessed that something was wrong with how the place wasn't mentioned in chapter one and Best Pony Ever was seem wandering around.
Nitpicks:
"violently propelling Noose into the copse of cacti behind him." with how you have it written does it sound like he get thrown into Gash
" earth to Venture" Unless he is a human alien, in which case I am gonna boycut this story... should it properly be Equestria
"...ew." need a space here
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Once again, you never fail to impress me with the depth of your analyses. Thank you so much for expanding your thoughts on Voices, you can't even imagine how much it helps me to know if and where I'm handling these things correctly. Also...
That is a fantastic comparison, and probably one of the best compliments I've ever received, so thank you again. The entire expansion of your thoughts on that scene and chapter have given me a lot to think about. I'm pretty confident I can keep that level up in the future now that I know what it is that was done right.
This I was entirely unaware of, and I apologize for that. If it's not too much to ask, do you possibly have any ideas on what I can do to fix it? I'd like to take care of that on my end if I can. I'm also definitely putting a lot of thought into the reorganization of the chapters now. Once I get the next chapter(s) posted, that's going to be my next project.
No problem at all, you've already given me far more than I could have possibly hoped for. I'm mostly just glad to hear you're still enjoying it.
Hmmm...
. Haha no, I wouldn't do that.
I know I've repeated it a couple of times now, but I am so grateful for how much attention you're giving this story. It's always helpful to know there are people out there still enjoying this, and it definitely helps keep me motivated to finish. I hope the rest of the story is as enjoyable a read.
With a title like that, and the last scene of the last chapter... This is gonna be glorious
I am sorry, but you got the saying wrong, the original and proper saying is "Cry me a boat and build me a river"
BRB after my gigglefit and I have found an artist willing to draw something like that
What will Stable 42 contain? The meaning of life? knowledge about the universe? A box containing anything else? Or maybe a giant maze of mice running trough Autumn leaves?
... A robotic greeter? Aww come on! One of my biggest gripes around FoE is that there are so much tech compared to the "arcano tech" which is a catchphrase often used but rarely seen. This would be a perfect change for a bit more magic instead of yet another AI running a stable, its even Bitchlight Spankle that run the place, the queen of magic, and not Applefap, the... okay have no good nickname for her. Point is, more magic, less science.
And no, I did not miss the part where Koe said that he isn't pony, even if keeps saying that he is part of Best Pony Ever, I did just think that it was so obvious that he is a brain slug from Futurama that I didn't need say anything.
GASP! No nitpicks? Well have a FIRST instead, Best Pony can maybe find forgotten places, I can find uncommented chapters!
Ohhh... ahhh... Neat idea!
Welp, short chapter so not much to say to this one, beside that I dread for when I read the next one and have caught up with the story. Write faster entertainment slave, write faster!
By the way, what is it with people in FoE and missing eyes lately? Its like every other story have a need to poke an eye out
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My version was something one of my high school history teachers would say all the time, so it's kind of been stuck in my head.
With this story, since there have been so many side-stories focussing on expanding the lore, I have had a lot more focus on the character(s) and specifically the breakdown of Venture's psyche in this world. But that's definitely a good point, and hopefully the events I have planned for the rest of the story within Stable 42 better incorporate more magic based tech. I'll definitely keep that in mind for the rest of the story.
Koe's origin is... complicated. I will say you are partially correct.
HUZZAH!
I guess it's a sensitive organ that's easy enough to lose, but pretty devestating to the character it happens to. Also eyepatches are cool
Yessir *writes frantically*
Sniffle! I have caught up with yet another story, had hoped it would take more than 5 days to do so, but ohh well, quality before quantity.
I would say that it is a pretty smart move to shift the point of view as you have in this one, its so much more effective to see a broken person from the outside than the inside after all, and putting us in the horseshoes of a new pony does also make the reader root for the unlucky peeps that have entered 42.
Only bad thing that I can say is that I despise cliffhangers, especially when I have to wait on the next chapter, so shame on you for what you did here!
The return of the nitpick
"Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody’s gonna die… come watch TV." Don't know why, but we have the colour problem once again.
"The turbulence set my heart hammering." Sat? Tenses is always a bitch
"They stampeded out the sides" I fully get what you mean here, and the word choice is perfect to show the "raw strength" behind the scene... but would pegasi not think that a stampede is a bit too… Wastelanderish, and instead go galloping? I know that it is a really minor nitpick, but your other word choices have really been spot on.
"A piercing sound cut through the air as a green beam flashed in front my eyes." I can't for the life of me remember if FoE made plasma weaponry into beams since they have their magical element over them, but Fo uses bolts.
“... ew.” Pretty sure that it needs a capital letter
I am a man of my word... I present to you... Finnius Thornsquatter
i.imgur.com/Yv6Jj1P.jpg
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Aw, shucks. Thank you
So I definitely want the lion's share of this act to be about introducing readers to Crescent (she is very important to the rest of the story), but I also don't really want to abandon Venture's perspective entirely. What I'm currently working on are two chapters, a shorter one that's basically done and gives us a brief glimpse into what's happened to Venture in the last seven years, and a slightly longer one back in Crescent's point of view. I was planning to kind of swap back and forth between their perspectives. Not every chapter, but definitely some of them. I'd love your opinion on whether that's a good idea or not.
*sniff* He's... beautiful
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like? Also, when does the sexual assault take place?
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A few of the main OCs show up a bit later in the story, so I don't want to spoil anything. Would you like an answer for them all up front or for me to answer as you go?
To start, I suppose for the main character, called Stab in the prologue but Venture in the main story, I've always kind of imagined a cross between Patrick Bateman, and Mark Hamill's Joker if that makes sense. The story focusses on him as a child after the prologue, so I guess just a younger version of that, but more socially awkward.
Lavender is also introduced in the prologue, and I've always pictured her sounding like Helga Sinclair from Atlantis.
This takes place in the chapter titled 'Voices.' There is a content warning at the beginning of the chapter as well as a marker before it occurs and when the scene is over.
What is this? A chapter for ants! How can we expect readers to enjoy this, if they can't even... okay don't know how to continue that joke, but you get my point. Be glad that there was 2 shortish chapters to satisfy my hunger or you would have heard more complaining!
So as a locksmith that works with screws and other such most of my day will I say that I am satisfied to deem Best Pony a few screws loose, but it is nice to see what a giant herd he have gathered to keep him company down there with all those books!
And FIRST of course!
Nitpick
"In the shadows lie a large" well yea Koe does lie a lot from the shadows, but in this case was the hidden figure "laid" there
I would love to go into details and talk long lengths about the little colt with the tummy-auchy... But that would just ruin the rather weird treatment that they come up with for the problem.
Oh uck... I think that it should be my new battlecry!
Nitpicks:
"The long, steel syringe felt cool against my teeth," Wait... she uses her unhygienic mouth to administer medicine and not her dexterous wings? I am pretty sure that I have seen pegasi in the show use their wings to manipulate stuff with.
" and I took shaky breath before the tears started to fall. " Is it not missing an a?
" and just vaguely of pine and rain… my dad’s favorite cologne." Fun fact, petrichor, the scientific name for the scent of rain, comes from the rain hitting the ground, throwing up small traces of dirt and not at least bacteria and viruses into our noses. Its not really the rain itself we can smell, but trace amounts of ground, also why the phenomena is called "Stone-blood"... What I wanted to say is that rain in the clouds would just smell wet, and not amazing as it does down here.
"It appeared to a young, earthpony colt." It appear like you are missing a few words here.
"
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How can we expect readers to enjoy this, if they don't even have to dedicate most of a day to reading a single chapter
?!
I get your point though. I'm trying out shorter chapters, but still trying to find that sweet spot for updates.
Good to have an expert opinion on the subject
Mistglider is not one to hesitate when it comes to kicking small children
Indeed they do, but right now she's trying to hide them for yet unexplained (but probably very obvious) reasons.
I did know this, but if I were to stick entirely to smells that would be available to a pegasus who's only ever known the Enclave, I really couldn't think of a wide range of scents available for colognes. Thinking more on it now, she also probably wouldn't know what pine smells like. So I guess I fudged it a bit
And now to correct some glaringly obvious mistakes... dear god I found more.
Awesome Story!
I'm waiting for the next chapter, though I bet the thing that breaks through to Venture is the power ponies blanket.