Eclipse

Twilight and her friends are going on a picnic. After the defeat of Discord Pinkie thought it would be a great idea! As they leave though they find something that they did not expect. A pegusus mare on the verge of death.

I made the cover art. I thought the story would look better with one.

Chapters (3)

Chapter 1: All Around Me · 25th Apr 2015 · 2,256 words
2,256
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Chapter 2: Familiar Faces · 30th Apr 2015 · 2,802 words
2,802
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Chapter 3: · 18th Jun 2015 · 2,432 words
2,432
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Comments ( 8 )

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Blobskin

Blobskin #1 · Apr 26th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: All Around Me ·

did not espect

should be "expect"

TheNomad

TheNomad #2 · Apr 26th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: All Around Me ·

5909527 Thank you. :) I didn't catch that one, fixing right now.

thunder_storm91

thunder_storm91 #3 · Apr 27th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: All Around Me ·

I can't wait for you to finish this!

TheNomad

TheNomad #4 · Apr 27th, 2015 · 2 · · Chapter 1: All Around Me ·

5912927 Means a lot to know you like it. :)

kamachakta

kamachakta #5 · May 1st, 2015 · 2 · · Chapter 1: All Around Me ·

"Twilight, please sit down! Your going to were through the floor at this rate."

wear

"Twilight please!" She started "Your to scaring Fluttershy." She finished in a tone barely above a whisper.

You're

"Darling." Rarity walked over to Twilight rapping a single hoof around her friends back. "She is going to be fine. I can feel it in my heart." she soothed.

wrapping

"Ah asked if that mare was okay?!" Apple Jack almost yelled.

Why is Applejack asking if she asked after the mare?

The doctor's face or tone change. "Well Miss Jack that is the good news."

What's the good doctor doing with his face?

"Well you see Miss Dash it seems our new friend here was on the brink of dead..."

Death

"Ah already know she was drowning! What's this as-fik-c-ate-shon?"

Apostrophe in what's. And I'd go with as-fic-see-aye-shen. But I suppose it works either way.

"AJ, it means 'lack of oxygen'." Twilight said.

comma

"For the same reason your legs get tiered. She over worked them."

tired

Sitting down Twilight asked "So Doctor, what did you want to talk about?"

Another comma

"Miss Sparkle do you know how 'Salt Water Taffy' is made?"

Unnecessary emphasis apostrophes

Twilight pinched the bridge of her nose and waved her other hoof saying. "I mildly know. Why?"

I'd switch this to something more like 'I have an idea'

"Well that makes this easier. You would be surprise how many ponies don't know how 'Salt Water Taffy' is made." The Doctor said.

More of the unnecessary apostrophes

"And once again I must say, 'What does this ha-'" She was once again cut off.

Comma, and more unnecessary apostrophes

"Oh sorry, I got off track. Well you know how the Taffy is pulled, spun, then squished back together. Every once and awhile they might add something new, like dyes or extra sugar; rinse and repeat."

Comma, comma, 'n' to complete the then, and the phrase is 'every once in a while'.

"Doctor are you telling me what I think your telling me?"

You're again.

"The fangs seemed to be make out of metal, more than likely steel. Think of it like when you give a hunting dog steel canine teeth."

Made, canines without the 'teeth' bit and why do ponies have hunting dogs in the first place?

"But back with the Taffy, her body seems to have taken a large about of abuse and has traces of neco magic. It seems somepony took her apart then put her back together; Chopped of a few things here and there, and add added new ones

Amount, necro possibly? off, extra 'add'.

"You are not a Doctor so I would not expect you to know. You see, some times when a patient is in critical condition their body will lash-out at any foreign magic. It just so seems her body decided it was better to go with the 'you will not take me alive' rout though."

Added an 'a', that particular mention of a doctor is not a name, comma, the 'just so' doesn't fit the sentence.

"yes" The Doctors face fell. "If only she was awake." The doctor said opening one of her bright teal eyes. "Then we might just know how broke she is."

Capitalization, learn, broken.

"Humpty Dumpty? What does an old foals tail have to do with this?" Twilight asked

Indeed, what does the tail of a foal that's somehow also old have to do with anything? I'd think a tale would be more relevant. That aside, good story, will like/favorite when I'm done with the next chapter.

TheNomad

TheNomad #6 · May 1st, 2015 · · · Chapter 2: Familiar Faces ·

5926152 FIXED
I can't believe I missed those! Those were some of the stupidest mistakes I've ever made!
reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/mad.gif

Endlessshadow