Royally Wrecked

by Blarghalt

Royally Wrecked

He amazed even himself, sometimes.

Discord floated about the room, checking his work and making last-minute corrections, humming all the while. He'd spent all afternoon in Celestia's room, preparing a prank that, if he pulled it off, would leave the princess a hideous shade of pink for a whole week. Ropes, gears, wire and an assortment of anvils alike made up a complicated contraption that, when she opened the door, would dump a bucket of special paint right on the monarch's head.

Rarely ever thinking ahead for more than a few hours, this prank was over a month in the making, procuring and heavily enchanting each part of the mechanism so Celestia wouldn't sense anything was amiss; it was hard getting the drop on someone who was more than a thousand years old.

The real problem was Luna, who suspected that he was up to something the entire time, but could not directly prove it. Ah well, he thought, it wouldn't matter in a few minutes anyway.

After one last go-over, he nodded at his own handiwork and floated over to the corner of a room. In an instant he made himself invisible and grabbed the dangling rope that would set the entire trap off. He could have simply just balanced a bucket on the top of the door, but what was the fun in that?

Then, he heard them. Hoofsteps from the hall outside, sounding off in Celestia's unmistakable gait. He sniggered; she wouldn't be so high and mighty for long.

The hoofsteps stopped in front of the door. Discord tightened his grip on the rope, ready for the ambush. But the door refused to open, and after a moment, the steps began again, walking down the hall and away from his trap. He grumbled, his hold on the rope slackening. She must have forgotten something. He dropped the veil of invisibility around himself, lowering himself to the floor with a pout.

"Ugh, waiting! Why is there always waiting?" he complained.

"Waiting on what?" a serene, calm voice answered behind him.

Discord's head twisted backwards to see Princess Celestia standing directly behind him, one eyebrow raised. His eyes went wide and he fell backwards, giving a half-shout and he pulled the rope down with him. The rope pulled on a gear, but Discord's fall put far more weight on it than it was designed to take; the mechanism instead flew off, ricocheting around the room like a angry metal wasp. After a few seconds, it bounced and headed towards an anvil, one of the many counter-weights of the contraption. With a clang, it hit the heavy object and flew straight at Celestia. She ducked, then turned back to see that the gear's strike had destabilized the entire trap, which now groaned and creaked under its own weight. Then it suddenly collapsed, bearing down on the princess and draconequus.

Instead of crushing them, all the objects were stopped in mid-air by a golden glow. Then were then slowly sat down on the floor by Celestia. After they were settled, she turned to Discord with a frown.

"I mean really," she said in a disappointing tone, "you think I didn't know about this?"

Discord gave a nervous laugh, scratching the back of his head. "Well, it was worth a shot."

She rolled her eyes. "I figured out what you were doing when all the ropes around Canterlot went missing."

"I paid for them! Eventually!"

With a grimace, Celestia magically lumped the remains of the machine together and sat them in the center of the room. "I'm just glad you didn't try this on Luna."

"I'm insane, not crazy."

"Yes, well. If we're done here, we—"

She was cut short when a round, grey blur smacked the back of her head. Her crown flew off, hitting the ground with a clatter and rolling away. Celestia herself kept going, skidding a good meter before coming to a complete halt.

In the meantime, the object that had struck her rolled around on the floor like a coin, slowly grinding to a still. It was the gear that Celestia had dodged only a few moments ago. Discord looked outside to see one of the towers had a strange, small dent in its spire, then back to the princess.

The gravity of the situation hit him, and he put his claws on his head with a scream. He flew over to the downed princess, placing a claw on her neck.

"Pleasedontbedeadpleasedontbedeadpleasedontbedeadpleasedontbedead," he begged, searching for a pulse. After a moment, he heard the unconscious princess take a small breath, and he gave his own huge sigh of relief. Still, he wasn't out of the woods yet. He lightly poked Celestia, trying to rouse her.

"Celestia! Princess! Sunbutt! You okay?"

To his surprise, she came to rather quickly. Her eyes fluttered open, and Discord stepped back as she weakly raised herself up.

Meanwhile, Discord tried to excuse himself in any way possible. "I, uh. I mean, wait. Well, you build your towers too high. You were basically asking for that gear to come bouncing back!"

Celestia didn't answer. Instead, she just slowly craned her head toward the mischievous spirit with wide, unfocused eyes. She slowly blinked, keeping her glazed gaze towards Discord.

He nervously tapped his claws together. "Uh. I'm sorry?"

Another blink. She leaned toward Discord until she was only inches from his face. She then snorted, hot breath blowing across his face.

"Celestia? Are...you feeling alright?" he asked.

With a nicker, she turned away and began to stare at the wall with her blank expression, pawing at the floor with one hoof. Discord floated over in front of her vision, waving a claw in front of her.

"Equestria to Celestia! You in there?"

Celeistia traced the movement of his hand for a few moments, then suddenly lurched forward. With an angry neigh, she bit down on Discord's hand. He pulled it away with a muffled yelp, shaking it off in an attempt to ease the pain. As if he wasn't even there, she returned to her routine, which now included grazing on the luxurious shag carpeting.

After a few moments of watching her, he sighed.

"This might be a problem."

"Sister?" a muffled voice from outside the room asked.

Discord tensed. Luna! It was evening, so she must have been awake for a few hours. If she found Celestia like this, and realized Discord was the culprit...

He broke out in a cold sweat. She couldn't find out. If she did, there wouldn't be enough left of him to fill a thimble.

The door slowly creaked open, and the flowing dark mantle that was Luna's hair peaked in from the opening. With no other option, Discord snapped his claws, teleporting away along with Celestia.

The door opened wider, and a slightly groggy Luna walked in the room. "Sister, I heard a racket. What—"

She stopped herself when she saw the state of her sibling's chambers. Celestia was not there, but instead she faced a mysterious pile of junk in the middle of the room. A glint caught her eye, and she walked over to find her sister's crown, which had rolled under a desk. Picking it up with her magic, she then went over to inspect the pile. She leaned in, slowly going over each objects. Anvils? Rope? A paint bucket? What was this thing?

Then, she saw it. On one of the anvils: a tiny, grey hair. A tiny aura surrounded it, and Luna brought it right up to her eye for a closer look.

Her eyes narrowed, and her face twisted into a scowl. She didn't know what had happened, but the guilty party was apparent and the princess said his name with a hiss.

"Discord."

---

Fluttershy and Twilight had been enjoying some afternoon tea when a bright light erupted in front of them. After a moment it dissipated, revealing Discord.

While Discord showing up unannounced and uninvited was pretty routine, it was his companion that shocked Twilight. Princess Celestia of all ponies was with him, though something about her was...off. She was missing her crown for starters, and the twinkle of wisdom in her eye was just plain absent.

Fluttershy smiled. "Oh, hi Discord. And...Princess Celestia?"

"Princess," Twilight asked, "Where's your crown?"

Discord looked back at Celestia, then to the two guests. "Yeah Celestia, where's your cr—oh. Right. Uh. I don't think she can understand you."

Twilight hopped off her chair. "What happened?"

He raised his arms defensively. "Now before you do anything, this wasn't my fault for once!"

She ignored Discord's excuse and ran up to Celestia, waving a hoof in front of the princess.

"Princess Celestia! Are! You! Okay?!"

Celestia gave a low whinny, but otherwise did not react.

Twilight then turned towards Discord. "What did you do to her?! Curse?! Brainwashing spell?!"

With a nervous chuckle, he held up one claw. "Twilight, you give me too much credit! She got whanged in the head. I was hoping Fluttershy could help. Was actually kind of hoping you wouldn't be here."

Fluttershy piped up behind them. "I should at least take a look. Could you try and get her inside?"

Twilight sighed. "Fine." She then turned back to Discord, shooting daggers at him. "You're still in trouble."

---

"Well, the good news is that it isn't permanent," Fluttershy said, pulling the flashlight's beam away from Celestia's eyes and dropping it from her mouth. As a reward for her cooperation, the pegasus brought up an apple to the princess' mouth. Celestia sniffed at it, then ate the whole thing in one bite, staring ahead with the same blank expression as she chewed, bits of skin and apple chunks falling to the floor.

"Oh thank, well, she's right here isn't she?" Twilight breathed.

"Uh, you have any idea when she'll get back to normal?" Discord asked.

Fluttershy tried to give him a reassuring smile. "She'll probably be better in the morning. How did this happen, exactly?"

"I was gonna prank her, but she caught me. One thing led to another and here we are!"

Twilight kept her annoyed frown. "One thing led to another? You turned her feral!" Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Fluttershy holding a carrot for Celestia to devour. With one motion, she turned around and slapped it away. "Stop that!"

"But she looks hungry..." Fluttershy replied timidly.

Celestia was apparently none too pleased with her meal being taken from her, and squealed at Twilight loudly.

"You too!" Twilight snapped at the princess, before covering her own mouth.

With claws behind his back, Discord began to walk backwards. "Well, it looks like you've got everything under control here. I'm just gonna..." he muttered, readying himself to teleport out of the room. Just as he was about to snap his claws, he felt his hands being seized a a magical tug and was forcefully pulled back to the other three.

"Ohhhhh no," Twilight groaned, "You caused this. You're staying! I'm gonna look over some books to see if there's some way to fix this before all of Canterlot panics!"

"But—"

"She's right," Fluttershy interjected. "It'll take both of us to watch Celestia."

With Fluttershy siding with Twilight, he didn't have much of a choice. "Fine," he sighed.

Twilight nodded, taking that as her cue to leave and find some kind of cure. When the door to the cottage closed, the two of them turned back to Celestia only to see she was gone.

"The princess!" Fluttershy squeaked, suddenly racing around the room to find out where she'd went. After a few panicked moments, she turned back to see Discord staring out the window.

"I found her," he said with a deadpan tone.

Fluttershy walked over and looked out to see Celestia rolling around on the grass, neighing loudly. A bright flash suddenly filled the room, and Fluttershy looked over to see Discord taking pictures with a camera he'd summoned out of nowhere.

"Discord!" she scolded.

He peeked up from the lens. "What? Can't a fella have a little blackmail?"

Fluttershy's unenthused glare said otherwise. He frowned. "Fine," he muttered, summoning the camera away. "Now how do we get her back in the house?"

"I have more apples upstairs."

"That'd take forever. I'll just teleport her in here."

Discord vanished in a bright flash, appearing outside behind to the princess. Celestia ceased her rolling and had stood up, resuming her grazing. He made a movement to teleport them both back inside, but her ears suddenly perked. She whipped her head up, turning around to see Discord behind her. In one swift motion, she whinnied and kicked her hind legs, both hooves hitting Discord directly in the chest. He went flying, slowly receding from view until he disappeared over the horizon of the Everfree Forest.

"Discord!" Fluttershy cried. She zoomed out the window, flying upwards over the canopy of the Everfree, trying to spot where he'd landed.

With both of them gone, Celestia spotted the small garden that hung off one of the cottage's windows. With a snort, she walked over and began chewing the daisies that grew from them.

---

Luna glided about the forest floor of the Everfree, determined to find Discord. She could not be sure if he had kidnapped or otherwise incapacitated her; for whatever reason, contacting her sister with magic was not working. She instead traced Discord's magical signature, which had suddenly lurched into the forest just a few minutes ago.

"Where art thou, inglorious chimera?" she growled under her breath. He was close, that much she was sure of. When she found him, he'd tell her what he'd done with her sister or she'd thrown him into the sun herself.

As she contemplated other possible punishments, she pulled back a fern's heavy leaves and stopped. In a clearing she saw the blasted spirit, sporting a brown vest, pith helmet and monocle as he sipped tea from a ridiculously elaborate dining set. He didn't seem to know she was there, and after taking a sip from his cup, he talked aloud.

"Hm. I really should have tea in the Everfree more often." He then looked over her and waved. "Hi, Luna!" he exclaimed before returning to sipping his tea.

Realizing what he'd said a second later, his eyes went wide as he turned back to the princess. Luna charged forward, her eyes crackling white with power. Discord screamed the girliest scream imaginable, leaving his clothes floating in a cloud of dust as he raced away from the enraged Luna.

She uprooted dirt, boulders and ancient trees alike to clear her path to the escaping Discord, slowly closing on him despite his best efforts. Just as she was upon him, a yellow shape suddenly appeared from behind a tree.

"Discord?" Fluttershy called, "Are you o—"

Wind threw Fluttershy's mane upwards as Discord zoomed past her at unholy speed. She moved forward, putting her back to Luna as she tried to figure out where he'd gone.

Luna was going far too fast to avoid hitting her, and could only blurt out a deafening "CITIZEN!". Fluttershy had just enough time to turn around and squeak before they both collided, tumbling to the ground and rolling on the forest floor like a barrel. They kept going until they reached the outer edges of the Everfree, bouncing several times before becoming separated in the field outside Fluttershy's house.

Luna spared the pegasus no thought as she dusted herself off and scanned the area for Discord. She didn't have to look for long; apparently Discord has been going so fast that he'd lodged himself in a tree, and was busy attempting to pull his head out. A dark aura surrounded him. Luna plucked him straight out of the tree, holding him in place as she stamped forward. Their eyeballs were nearly touching when she spoke.

"Where. Is. Sister."

He was still loopy from hitting the tree, and only blurted out a confused "huh?"

Unamused, Luna forcefully shook him to alertness, grabbing his head and forcing it to face her. She produced Celestia's crown, making sure that he saw its gleaming polish.

"You have spirited away my sister for vile purpose, and here is the proof. If you do not tell me where you have hidden her, I shall inflict upon you all the forbidden magics of the world."

His eyes looked to the right and he raised a claw, weakly pointing to something behind her. Holding him in place, she turned to see her sibling munching on the carrots in Fluttershy's backyard garden, giving no heed to the dirt and rocks she ingested as well.

Luna gave Discord one last evil glare before tying his long neck in a knot with her magic, walking off to Celestia. While Discord attempted to undo the damage, Luna attempted to speak with her sibling.

"Sister?" she asked. Celestia's ears perked and she raised her head, staring at the princes of the night with wide irises. Luna waved her hoof in front of Celestia a few times, the larger of the two slowly following the movement with her head before quickly losing interest and resuming her grazing.

"Ah," she stated in a matter-of-fact tone.

She suddenly teleported, appearing on her sister's back. She raised a hoof and gave a quick jab to the back of Celestia's head before teleporting back to the ground. Celestia jerked, her head whipping up. In just a few moments, her glazed expression faded and look of confusion overcame her.

"Luna?" Celestia asked. "What...what am I doing in Fluttershy's garden? Why does my head hurt?"

"It happened, sister." Luna explained.

"Oooooohh. That would explain the dirt in my mouth."

Luna looked over to Discord, who was just beginning to undo the knot. She forcefully teleported him over, and Fluttershy walked up to the two as well.

It took a second for him to realize he'd been summoned, but he paused and looked at Celestia with a nervous grin. "Uhhhhh...Luna did it."

Celestia was not amused.

Crocodile tears began to form in Discord's eyes, and he threw himself at her mercy. "Look, I just wanted to turn you pink! I didn't mean for you to get conked in the head! How could I have possibly—"

"It's okay, Discord."

"But I don't want to be turned to stone again and waitwhat?"

"What?" Fluttershy asked as well.

Luna raised a hoof as she explained. "If sister is struck in just the right place upon her skull, she reverts back to baser instinct. This isn't the first time this has happened, or the second."

Celestia frowned. "It's really quite embarrassing."

Discord's worried expression dissolved into a chuckle. "Embarrassing? It's hilarious! I can't wait to tell everyone in Canterlot about this!"

Celestia's grin became slightly crooked. "Yes, about that. I think it's best if we let this incident fade from memory. Forever."

He shrugged. "Like, put it behind us? I'm sorry, but this is way too funny to forgeeaaaaaaaaaarggehhhh..."

His tongue rolled out of his mouth and his eyes became cross as Celestia hit him with a spell. His mismatched legs buckled, and he fell backwards to the ground in a daze.

"Oh my!" Fluttershy exclaimed, covering her mouth with her hooves.

"It's fine," Celestia said, "I just made him forget everything from the past week. Though he might not remember who he is for a few hours."

"Will he be okay?"

"He'll wake up with a terrible headache, but otherwise yes."

The two princesses turned and readied themselves to fly back to Canterlot, but Celestia looked over her shoulder for a final word.

"And Fluttershy?"

"Yes?"

"Never tell anyone about my...condition. Ever."

Fluttershy gave a weak nod, and the two monarchs rocketed into the air, back towards Canterlot's spire mountain. As they flew off, she spotted Twilight walking back up to the cabin with a load of books, though she was looking at the two retreating princesses.

"Fluttershy? Is that Celestia and Luna?"

"Yes. She got better, thankfully."

Twilight stopped herself when she saw the incapacitated Discord laying on the ground. "What happened to him?"

Fluttershy thought about telling her everything, but invoking Celestia's ire was not on her to-do list. "Trust me, you don't want to know. Could you help me get him inside?"

Twilight grunted, but lifted Discord's back half, Fluttershy holding his head while she flew just off the ground. As they took him up to her bed for some rest, he continued to mumble half-baked nonsense while Fluttershy humored him with replies.

"I'm a pretty snake man."

"Uh huh."

"Gummy ate my fingers."

"That's nice."

"Where's Angel? I have a shortage of waffles."

"We'll get more tomorrow."

THE END

Comments

[LiterarySerenity]

Hilarious! Bravo on a well-told tale. Your characterizations of Discord and all the ponies were my favorite part of this, alongside the humor throughout. ;3

[TheDawsonator1]

I like this...(PSSSSSST Equestrians, hit Celestia in a certain spot)

[Seether00]

I m going hit Celestia on the head and go for a pony ride.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Well, that was entertaining. A rather more cowardly Discord than I prefer, but still a fun read overall. Thank you for it.

[Blarghalt]

5858451

Yeah, this is mostly just something I wrote for funsies. I got a much better Rarity fic in the pipe, but that's probably a few weeks off.

[metallusionsismagic]

Get rekt. A shame that paint never got put to use!

Discord's fall put far more weight than it was designed to take;

weight on it than

"That'd take forever. I'll just teleport her in her."

in here

"Where are thou, ye inglorious chimera?"

"Where art thou, (second thou optional) inglorious chimera?" (Ye is a plural form of you, or a textual replacement for 'the' in archaic shorthand. The latter is still pronounced 'the.')

leaving his clothes floating in a cloud of dust as he raced away from the enraged Luna

missing period

giving not heed to the dirt and rocks she ingested as well.

no heed?

[howard035]

I hope eventually Discord finds those photos he took.

[Iron Sky]

The biting and kicking makes me wonder if feral Celestia is naturally ornery, or if Discord just brings out the worst in her.

[The Hat Man]

Ha! You know, this is pretty darn silly but a fun read nonetheless. Princess Celestihorse is best pony.

[DiscountDiscord]

The only thing I could think of when I saw the cover image:

Funny story.

[Blarghalt]

7204715

That's what I was shooting for.

[Themaskedferret]

Different...

[Eroraf86]

This is some glorious shenanigans right here. You've won a free follow.

[Tango-Raptor]

"Where's Angel? I have a shortage of waffles."

This made my day.

[MixMassBasher]

Well, that was hilarious

[SWEETOLEBOB18]

"Fluttershy? Is that Celestia and Luna?"
"Yes. She got better, thankfully."
Twilight stopped herself when she saw the incapacitated Discord laying on the ground. "What happened to him?"

"He got worse, regrettably"