Oh, the Equinity!
A Busman's Holiday
Oh, the Equinity!
In which Deft Hoof learns that you can't actually die of embarrassment.
I glanced around the barn. I saw three different avenues of escape, but sadly, all three required me to either incapacitate somepony or, in one even worse case, pretend to take Applebloom hostage. I smiled nervously.
"You!" Twilight Sparkle snarled.
I waved a hoof. "Hi," I said cheerfully. "We haven't met. I'm--"
"Oh, yes we have," the studious mare said, her angry snarl deepening.
"Ah, no," I said, "we haven't, actually. Not actually, you know, met met."
She scoffed at me. "What," she said sarcastically, "like a formal introduction? 'Hi, my name is Orange Meringue, and I'm here to FOALNAP your best friend'?!"
"Oh, come on," I said. "It was just a --" I blinked. "Your best friend?" I frowned. "You're joking."
She glared at me.
"You're not joking." I could feel my frown deepening. "Twilight, it was a doll. A doll that you, I might add, got back right away." I smirked. "It's not like it was traumatized by the experience," I joked.
"Not traumatized?" Twilight Sparkle was incredulous. "Not traumatized?! SHE POPPED A STITCH, YOU HEARTLESS FIEND!" With that, a nearby pie pan (with the pie still in it, I might add) lifted from a table and rocketed towards my tender, unprotected face. Clearly, the hearts of millions of unattached mares hung in the balance, so I did the only rational thing. I ducked.
Cousin Applejack, sadly, lacked my highly trained reflexes. The pie -- orange meringue, I noted with a bit of amusement -- struck her square in the face. From my other side, a raucous burst of laughter erupted, and everypony spared a glance in that direction.
Rainbow Dash, bearer of the Element of Loyalty and winner of last year's Best Young Flyer Competition, was clutching her sides and absolutely howling with laughter.
"Reckon that's funny, do ya, R.D.?" Applejack asked with a smirk. She trotted over to the table the pie had come from, reared back, and brought down both forehooves on the edge of the table, upending it and sending its remaining contents -- two more pies and a stack of paper plates -- flying. With two well-aimed mule-kicks, she sent both pies sailing, one after another, straight at the offending pegasus.
Rainbow Dash, however, was fast enough to dodge both. The baked treats sped through the air past where she had been, trailing gobbets of whipped cream like sloppy weatherponies with clouds, to strike the elegantly-coiffed Rarity.
"Oh," snarled Rarity, glaring at the farm pony, "It. Is. ON."
Things might have been salvageable at that point. We might have negotiated an armistice before sacrificing the entire array of party fare to the war effort. That is, were it not for one pony.
To this day, I'm only certain of one thing: whoever shouted the words "FOOD FIGHT" at the top of their lungs had the last name "Pie." That left two suspects, and despite being one of them, I honestly don't know which of us did it. All I know is that Fluttershy let out an adorable little "eep!" and ran to hide, then all Tartarus broke loose in that barn.
What followed was a confusion of flying pastries, the messier the better, and manic activity. That barn became a regular war zone. At one point, I remember dragging myself along the floor on my belly, a punchbowl over my head as an impromptu helmet, as I made my way over towards Applebloom.
She lay there, not moving but for the occasional twitch, a large, red, sticky stain directly over her heart. I dragged myself up onto my haunches and pulled her into my lap, trembling with emotion. "NO!!" I screamed at the heavens.
"Hammin' it up there, ain'tcha?" the filly grumbled.
"Shh," I said. "Dead ponies can't talk."
"Says who?" Applebloom craned her neck to look at me better. "Anyway, Ah ain't dead. This is just a flesh wound."
"Oh come on," I said. "That cherry tart hit you right in the heart."
"Ah'm tart-proof!"
"Are not!"
"Am too!"
"You are in no way, shape, or form," I objected, "tart-proof."
"Ah'll say," Applejack interjected. "Y'all better go wash off afore that dries."
Applebloom sighed. "Oh, fine," she said. "Y'all better save me some o' that party food, though." With that, she trotted back towards the farmhouse.
I tapped my chin with a forehoof. "Is there any food left? Or was it all sacrificed to the war effort?"
"I think that's everything," the pony that started it all said, having momentarily forgotten what caused her to lob a pie at me in the first place.
"Oh, don't be silly," Meanie said dismissively, and produced an enormous three layer cake. "I have cakes stashed all over Ponyville in case of a party emergency!"
I blinked. "A party emergency?"
"And brother," she continued, "this is definitely a party emergency." Carelessly tossing the massive confection aside -- where, I noted, it landed safely on the spool-cum-table Applejack had only just set back upright -- she began tearing around the barn shouting "WOOOOoooOOOOOooooOOOOOOo! PARTY EMERGENCY! PARTY EMERGENCY! WEEEEEoooooEEEEEooooEEEEEooo!"
I was interrupted in the process of chuckling at her antics and rolling my eyes by a glare from Twilight Sparkle. Clearly, as distracting as the food war had been, she had remembered what prompted her to throw the first pie. "Well?"
I contrived to look innocent. "Well what?"
She let out an aggravated growl. "Are you going to apologize or what?!"
I stood before her, frosting dripping from my mane, lowered my head and offered the most sincere apology of my life. "I'm sorry," I said, "that I upset you all those years ago with my stupid little prank. I didn't mean to hurt anypony's feelings, least of all a cute little filly like yourself."
"Apopogy acce--" She stopped, blinking for a moment, then blushed furiously.
"What?" I said defensively. "You were downright adorable with your little doll and your quill and your scroll and that enormous pile of books and..."
"We get the point, Orange Meringue," Applejack interrupted. "What Ah wanna know is, what in the hay made y'all steal a doll from a little filly in the first place?"
I shrugged. "First of all, you have to remember I was a little foal myself at the time. It was... a sort of initiation."
"Like to a club?" an unfamiliar voice asked. I looked around. Applebloom had returned, sparkling clean, and she had brought with her two other fillies: a white unicorn with a curly pink and purple mane, and an orange pegasus with a purple mane.
"Sure," I said. You could look at the Eyes of the Moon as a highly exclusive club, after all, with only two members at any given time. "See, I had to prove myself, and to do that, I had to take something from the throne room and try to get out without getting caught."
"You didn't, though, did you?" Twilight Sparkle grinned at me in a decidedly superior manner, proud of Princess Celestia's guards and their defeat of a little colt.
I smirked. "I got out of the throne room, didn't I?" My smirk widened to a grin and I polished a hoof on my chest fur. "I made it almost all the way to the castle gate before they got me."
"So did ya get in yer club?" Applebloom shoved herself between Twilight and myself, looking up at me wide-eyed.
"I sure did," I said. "Best day of my life, even counting the day I got my cutie mark!"
"No way!" the orange pegasus piped up. "Nothing could be better than getting your cutie mark!"
I took a look at her, then Applebloom and the unicorn, who were crowding in beside her. I considered my response very carefully, as I realized that the three of them were all still blank-flanks. "Yes way!" I countered. Their young minds were no match for my superior debate skills.
"Nuh-uh!" the unicorn filly countered. Blast! She was good. I began to formulate a strategy to counter her argument.
Before I could unleash my devastating counter-argument, which began with "Yuh" and ended with "huh" and would have completely flattened any opposition, the elegantly-coiffed Rarity stepped in. "Sweetie Belle!" She sounded positively aghast. "A lady doesn't speak in such a crude manner!"
"I'm sorry, Rarity," the little filly said. Miss Manners to the rescue!
I felt a prodding on my hip, and turned around to see the pegasus filly poking at my flank with a hoof, her tiny wings beating so fast they were a blur, but barely able to keep her aloft.
"What in the hay kind of cutie mark is that?" she asked bluntly.
"It looks like a pie pan," Twilight Sparkle said.
"You are correct!" I grinned at her. "But with Princess Celestia's most faithful student, nothing but the best could be expected!" I turned from her to regard my cutie mark. "It is, in fact, not only a pie pan, nor just an empty pie pan, but a recently emptied pie pan. Note the crumbs around the edges. It is by far the coolest, most dashing cutie mark ever to grace a flank!"
The pegasus filly, Scootaloo, scoffed. "Rainbow Dash's cutie mark is way cooler," she said, her interest in my flank waning in favor of interest in the cake Pinkie Pie had produced moments before her arrival.
"That's because you haven't heard his cutie mark story!" I blanched. I had forgotten that Meanie was there on the day I got my cutie mark. She knew the whole sordid affair. And anypony who's spent more than two minutes in her presence is well aware that once Meanie gets started talking, no force in Equestria can stop her.
It happened in a heartbeat. One moment, Scootaloo was picking out a slice of cake. The next, she, Sweetie Belle, and Applebloom were sitting perfectly still in front of me, looking up expectantly. I looked at them, particularly at little cousin Applebloom, then looked over at her big sister, who I was quite sure would pound me into Deft Hoof pancakes if I prompted her little sister to try anything dangerous or unlawful. While danger hadn't factored into my cutie mark story, it had definitely led to a life filled with both danger and questionable (at best) activities.
Before I could demur and attempt to change the subject, something terrible happened. I mean, out of all the possible things that could have happened, this was the worst possible thing!
Meanie, who, as I said, had been present when I got my cutie mark, began to tell them exactly how it happened.
More or less.
It all started at the big Pie Family Reunion, about a week after we all got our cutie marks.
Wait, wait, wait. You guys all got your cutie marks at the same time?
We sure did! And stop interrupting!
My family was hosting the event, because we could just rotate the crops in our rock farm to clear out enough space for everypony. Merry and I had just met each other, and I was taking him to where all us little colts and fillies were playing at the south end of the west field. He was really silly, and a lot of fun to talk to, so I kind of lost track of what I was supposed to do after we got there.
See, I was supposed to be the hostess for all us little ponies while my parents were doing the same thing for all the big ponies. And one of my jobs as hostess was to make sure that all us little ponies had our dessert.
But I got so wrapped up in playing with everypony that I totally forgot to go get the pie! Dun dun DUN!
I don't think the dramatic sting was entirely necessary, Meanie.
It was totally necessary, Merry! And didn't I tell you to stop interrupting?
By the time I remembered the pie, my Granny Pie had already left the kitchen, and she had locked the door behind her! I was so upset! A family reunion is like a really big, really special party, and how could I be a great party pony if I forgot something super-duper critical like refreshments?!
I couldn't tell Mom and Dad, they'd be super disappointed in me, since they'd put me in charge of the little colts and fillies specifically because it let me throw a party for them! Granny Pie had made her bestest best cherry pie, and it was sitting inside the kitchen, and I was stuck outside, and there was nothing I could do about it!
I sat there for a little bit, trying to figure out how to save the party, when Merry came up next to me.
"What's wrong?" he asked, and I was just so super sad I couldn't say anything. I just pointed up at the kitchen window.
He looked up at it, all frowny like this--
That... I did not look like that.
You did too! And then you got all happy like this!
Totally exaggerating, I did not jump in the air like that, and there definitely weren't any fireworks and where did you get those anyway?
She's just being Pinkie Pie.
"Do not fret, little girl," he said.
Lies.
Okay, okay. What he said was "You need that pie? 'Cause I bet I can get it!"
I was all "nuh-uh" and he was all "yuh-huh" and then I said "nuh-uh" and--
We went at it for about a minute and a half, Meanie. Please tell me you're not going to go through that whole thing.
So anyway, after all that intense debate, I finally agreed to let him try to get the pie, but he had to agree not to let anypony know I had forgotten it, which meant he totally couldn't get caught. That's when he went all super spy and stuff, it was great!
I led him around to the far side of the house, all "remember: if you get caught, I will deny all knowledge of your operation" and stuff, and he was all "I live for the tough jobs" and then he pulled out his spy gear! He used a grapple gun to climb up to the--
I did not use a grapple gun. I used the drainpipe.
Are you telling this story or am I?
Okay, all right, continue. But try to stick to what actually happened?
Oh, all right. He shimmied up the drainpipe like WOOSH! and before I knew it, he was pushing open my bedroom window and just hopped inside like bam!
That's... pretty impressive for a little colt.
Heh, yeah, I've always been pretty nimble.
He totally was! But to get to the pie, he had to make it past the vicious guard dog!
Vicious guard dog?
Aunt Strawberry's chihuaua. They'd put him in Meanie's room to keep him out of the way.
I don't know what happened then, because I was still way down on the ground, but since I didn't hear even the tiniest little bark from Muffin, I can only assume Merry somehow managed to sneak past without disturbing him. A few seconds later, the next window over opened up and he stuck his head out.
"Go meet me by the kitchen window and I'll slide the pie over to you," he said, and went back inside. While I ran around to the front side of the house, he had to get down the stairs, past the booby traps, and across the pressure sensitive floor alarm triggers!
You're not going to correct her?
Her little sister's toys were all over the stairs. She had roller skates! I could've broken my neck!
And the pressure sensitive alarm?
Squeaky floorboards and Uncle Lemon's sheepdog. One false move and I would have been busted for sure.
So Merry made his way, inch by agonizing inch, through the kitchen, until finally he made it to the window. I saw him look around to make sure none of the grown up ponies were looking, then he opened the window just far enough for the pie.
"Heads up, Meanie," he said, then slid the pie over so that it fell off the windowsill, letting me catch it on my back. Oh, hey, and that was the first time I had a twitchy tail, too! Ha! I never realized that.
A twitchy tail?
Oh, don't get her started on her Pinkie Sense. Just trust that it's real and it works, and don't think about it too much.
He didn't want to come out where everypony could see him, of course, so that meant he had to sneak all the way back up to my room, past the dogs and the floorboards and my sister's skates, and back out the window and down to the ground!
I was exceptionally grateful that she hadn't mentioned that I hadn't quite reached the drainpipe on my way back to the ground, which meant taking the fast way down. "Anyway," I finished for her, "when we all finished eating our pie, and were all hanging out together having fun, Meanie noticed that I had gotten my cutie mark!"
"Wow," said Scootaloo, "that was great! You were like a totally super secret agent pony! Or a cat-burglar, or--!"
I could feel my pulse racing. "Aw, I was just a colt trying to do right by his family, that's all," I said. "Anyway, yeah. That's why my cutie mark is an empty pie pan!"
"Hey," said Sweetie Belle, "I bet we could be all super-sneaky like that! Come on, girls!"
The three of them hoof-bumped, then proceeded to demonstrate the exuberance and sheer volume of youth. "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CAT-BURGLARS! YAY!"
With that, they galloped out of the barn and left me there to face the music.
* * * * *
Fountain Plaza - Canterlot
Short Shanks grimaced. Today had not been a good day. Not only wasn't he getting anything useful from anypony, absolutely everypony was off their game in a big way. Twitchy had nearly got herself pinched not once or twice today, but five times. Peach Fuzz had been the worst lookout he'd had since his own earliest days in the wealth relocation industry.
It was like working with an entire group of first-day amateurs, and it was driving him crazy. He was half tempted to head back to Lost Town just to get away from this mess, but that would mean leaving everypony to their own devices, and quite frankly, he didn't think they could cope with that today.
He frowned. Something weird was definitely going on. He just hoped that the ponies working over by the business district were having a better day.
* * * * *
To my relief, Applejack did not confront me about giving her sister ideas. At least, not at the party. After the fillies left, followed shortly by Granny Smith, Meanie trotted out the party games. Playing Pin the Tail on the Pony surprisingly reminded me of my time as apprentice to the previous Eye of the Moon, a scruffy pegasus pony who went by the trade name One-Eye despite having two good eyes. (It was years before he finally told me it was because in his early days on the street, he'd learned to sleep with one eye open.)
After a few hours, the party started to wind down. We all pitched in to help clean the barn, over Meanie's objections ("Cleaning up after the party is the hostess' job," she explained.) and each of the ponies apart from myself and the Apples took their leave.
As we headed back towards the farmhouse, Applejack trotted alongside me. "We need ta talk, Sugarcube," she muttered. "Soon's we git back inside."
I sighed and nodded. "Okay, Applejack," I said, in case she hadn't seen.
The conversation was short and to the point.
"All right," Applejack said, "here's what's what. Ah ain't gonna judge y'all, and Ah ain't gonna ask no pryin' questions. Ah just want y'all ta know that mah little sister Applebloom means more ta me than even this here farm. If'n y'all go givin' her ideas and she goes and gits herself hurt, Ah don't care if y'all're bestest of best friends with both princesses and keep 'em stashed in yer saddlebags for emergencies. Ah. Will. End. You." By the time she finished, her brilliant green eyes were barely an inch from my own. "Clear?"
"Crystal."
"All righty then," she said, her mood significantly lighter. "Y'all have a good night, Sugarcube!"
"Um... you... too?"
* * * * *
I couldn't stay up all day and still go out in the middle of the night every night, so I decided to get some daytime practice in. Today, I decided, it was time to practice maneuvering in a crowd. I could have gone into Ponyville, but I didn't want to attract any attention. Applebloom was off at school, Applejack was selling apples at market, and Big Macintosh was tending the crop, replanting the trees that had been torn up by Flim and Flam's juicing machine, so as long as I stayed clear of the farmhouse itself and the orchards that Big Mac was in, I was sure I could find a place to practice there on Sweet Apple Acres.
As it happens, it didn't take me long to find one: the Zap Apple orchard. The trees weren't as evenly spaced as the rest of Sweet Apple acres, which suited me fine, and so long as they were out of season, there was no reason for Big Macintosh to be in this part of the farm.
I spent the next hour (on and off) dashing around the Zap Apple trees, making sharp turns, cutting as close to their gnarled trunks as I could without brushing against them. All in all, while it wasn't as good as an actual crowd -- the trees may have been closer together than the rest of the trees at Sweet Apple Acres, but they still had a fair bit of distance between them -- it was still a good practice session.
While I was practicing, I decided to try some more active defensive maneuvers. Dive-rolls, leaps, and other acrobatic moves found their way into my practice, and then I began to populate the orchard with imaginary ponies. The trees, I decided, could act as guards or enemies, while I would have to use other landmarks -- rocks and hummocks and the like -- to mark the positions of the imaginary bystanders.
That was the beginning of the critical error that led to my spending my second night in Ponyville in a hospital bed. The end of the error was when, while galloping towards one of the trees at full tilt, I realized I was about to run right through a place I'd marked as having a bystander. Originally, I had been about to pull a Daring Do special -- charge at an opponent, then do a quick jog to one side when they put their guard up -- but the addition of the (now imaginarily terrified) imaginary bystander directly in my path changed that plan.
Instead, I decided to try out a move I'd been dreaming up for just such an occasion: the corkscrew kick. The idea behind the corkscrew is to use a midair twist and flip to add extra torque to an otherwise bog-standard mule kick.
It proved highly effective at increasing the impact a small pony like myself can provide, which was a good thing.
Did you know that Zap Apple trees can release an electric charge as a defense mechanism? And that the harder you hit them, the greater the discharge? I did not. I wouldn't find out until much, much later. I can't really describe what being electrocuted feels like. I haven't got the words to describe it. The closest I can come is to say it feels kind of like hitting your funny bone, only all over your body and about a billion times stronger. Fortunately, the sensation didn't last that long.
Actually, sensation itself didn't last that long. It would be well past noon the next day before I was aware of anything at all. And it was shortly after awakening that I learned about the Zap Apple defense mechanism, as the nurse explained where I was and how I got there.
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Author's Notes: Sorry about the long wait. As I said recently in my blog, my laptop was stolen. Now I have a better laptop, so I guess these things work out! Now let's talk about this chapter!
I don't know what it is with Deft Hoof and food fights. He just sort of seems to bring that out in ponies, huh? It's a good thing he's not in food service. Speaking of the food fight, that bit at the end of it was inspired by a movie. I wonder if any of you can figure out what movie?
Originally, the bit with Defty kicking a Zap Apple tree was going to be applebucking practice - he was going to be trying it out on a "dead" tree in case he screwed it up. It was also going to have Applebloom as a witness, who was going to try to stop him just a little too late. I like this version better, because he really puts his all into the kick, which makes it funnier, in my opinion.
Oh, yeah, and actual plot-type stuff happening to Shorty, too!
Don't worry all of that plot stuff is gonna reach Deft Hoof, too. Shorty's not all on his own.
1273431 Woo~ I'm glad to hear you got a new lappy!
This fic is awesome! Deft Hoof is definitely one of my top five pony OC characters. That ending was not only hilarious, but also fits with canon.
Excellent chapter, let's hope no theavin' ponies try and steal you're brand new laptop.
I always love reading your work. Here's to many more great chapters to come
HAHAHA! That's funny right there
1274288
It also greatly aids the update process.
So am I!
1274433
I try to stay within canon except when the concept is expressly outside of canon (e.g.: "What if _____ hadn't _____?") so I'm glad to see my efforts in that regard are appreciated. I'm also gratified you like Deft Hoof. He's fun to write, and no doubt.
1274887
Thanks for proofing this for me.
1275849
Any part in particular? Personally, I like the dramatic conclusion to the food fight.
1277652
CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CAT BURGLARS! YAY!
1277774 They know not the meaning of silence.
1277652 This is also a reason why I am happy.
1274433 Who are your other faves? My list is sorta biased, since it has a few friends' OCs on it, but this is my list:
5. Shadow Dancer (Forgot what fic, but was one of Luna's Night Guards, and always had a quip or one liner. Seemed like a tribute to Horatio of CSI: Miami.)
)
4. Littlepip (Fallout: Equestria. Size doesn't matter, after all!)
3. Deft Hoof (He's awesome!
2. Blackjack (FOE: PH Almost better than the original! Also, cyberpony for the win!!!)
1. Wild Card (Extremely biased, since this character is a cross between me and Pinkie Pie, in my friend's fic Remorse: Color of Crimson. Wild's an assassin who, like a few others in the business, likes to be flashy. His real name is a tribute to Number 2, and I got to name his whole family.
Father: Gamblin
Mother: Chits Bits
Wild: Blackjack
Twin brother: Never named, though I like to call him Rummy.)
1277875
My top ten pony OCs, in no particular order, are:
Novel from Unmarked by Croswynd
Freeze Pop from Sketchy Salad Symphony by Sketchy Sounds
Mort from Mort Takes a Holiday by Anonymous Materials
Deft Hoof from this fic
Hard Boiled from Starlight Over Detrot: A Noir Tale CeoKasen and Chessie, although every single one of their OCs is great.
Storm Wing from Through the Eyes of Another Pony by Cards Lafter
Crack Shot from In Her Majesty's Secret Service by Sagebrush
Sly Clop from Triple X by Elmikkino
Ginger from The Legend of Echo the Diamond Dog by Rust
Captain Aegis Fidelius from Magic, Mayhem and...Murder? Oh my... by Invictus
1278009 That's a great list! There's some fics I haven't read in it.
LIES!!!
1278024
So, are you the who's lying, or are you accusing me?
And yes, those are all great characters from equally great fics. If I had included the honorable mentions in would've been three times as long; seriously there is a serious surplus of talent on this site. That includes you too, Parchment_Scroll!
1278055 Twi's saying that I'm lying, but I ain't. Or am I? I dunno. Haven't slept in a while.
1278009
Well, you might be happy to know that Freeze Pop and Sally are scheduled to make at least one more appearance in a later chapter (BTW, that was Freeze Pop that Defty lifted the molting feather from back in Chapter 2)!
Also, screw [strike]Captain[/strike] Prince Storm Wing!
1278055
1281943
Wow, you got permission from Sketchy to use Freeze Pop?! That's awesome, bro!
Hey, don't let Firewall's jealousy cloud you're judgement about Storm Wing!
1277774
1277875
1431839 BEST. Cat-burglars. Ever.
I would have never noticed them.
1431839
1431891
Hell.
Yes.
This was definitely an inspiration for that line.
1431839>>1431891 WIN!
1432559 Drat, I came in second!
1432551 Inspiration is easiest to find when looking back, because inspiration and blame are two sides of the same coin.
1432857
Oh, I was aware of that particular inspiration the moment it came to me. I just couldn't find a way to work a reference in without spoiling the joke.
1432876
Suuuuurrrree...... Well, aaaannnyways, my joke still stands. 
Of interesting note is neither Unicorns nor Earth ponies have any resistance to tasers.