A Busman's Holiday

by Parchment_Scroll

~I'm Going on Assignment!~

A Busman's Holiday
Chapter One: I'm Going on Assignment!
In which Deft Hoof, a thief, annoys the Princess of the Night.

Hello there. My name, if you want to call it that, is Deft Hoof. That’s what everypony calls me. It’s not the name I was born with, but it fits just as well -- if not better. If you want to know what I look like, well, take a look coming up the street just now. No, not the white unicorn with the blue mane, that’s well-known trendsetter Fancy Pants. You see the pony to his left? Yeah, the grey pegasus with the yellow mane? Okay, now look behind him.

The orange earth pony coming up behind him is me. The one with the sort-of spiky, sort-of wavy cream colored mane. No, I am not a mare. I’m just a little on the short side. Yes, I am in fact shorter than that mare coming up alongside me. I find it to be a boon in my line of work.

If you want to know my line of work, keep an eye on me as I come up alongside that pegasus. Now, don’t look away or you’ll miss it. This first part is the hardest part even though it looks easiest. Yes, anypony can open a saddlebag with their mouths, that’s not the point. Look around.

You’ll notice that nopony, particularly not the pegasus in question, has twigged to what I’ve done. This is intermediary pickpacking you’re seeing here. Basic pickpacking involves jostling the pony in question while you make off with their coin purse. Intermediary pickpacking means doing it without anypony knowing anything’s happened at all.

Advanced pickpacking can take a number of forms, from planting something on somepony without them being the wiser, to far more intrusive thefts. Advanced pickpacking is high-risk, though, so it’s best not to even try unless you’ve got a lot of practice under your belt and a real need to use those skills. Now, pay attention, the lesson’s not over yet.

Notice how I come up a little ahead of him, but only by a nose. Watch my tail. Yes, that is a peculiar cutie mark. It’s sort of a blue oval with straight sides on it. It’s a pie pan. The brown dots are crumbs. My talent is taking things, not making them. But eyes on the tail, because here it comes.

There. That little flick of my tail I just gave. Hold on, I’ll run it back in slow motion. There. The way the tip of my tail just brushed against his saddlebags. Look closer and I’ll run it past for you a third time.

Notice how it doesn’t actually brush the side of his saddlebag. It’s brushing between the bag and the flap. Now this is where I pick up my pace just a tiny bit, and presto! One freshly pilfered coin purse, dangling from its strings by my tail. See, I go a bit faster so I can pull it out from under the flap without lifting the flap too much.

Now, I just let it down gently, stop to pick it up, and my prey proceeds on, none the wiser. Of course, all of this isn’t happening right now, or I wouldn’t have been able to go over that dip three times for you. All of this happened the day my life changed. It happened the day my favorite Captain of the Guards returned from his honeymoon with Princess Cadance.

I was in a good mood that day, because Shining Armor presented a real challenge to me. See, I’m not just a pickpack. I’m also a burglar, cutpurse, and all-around sneaky pony. Primarily, though, I’m sort of a spy. I don’t think of myself that way, but that’s a big part of what I do. I keep an eye on Canterlot’s criminal element from within.

I do a lot of thief-type things partly because it’s my talent and the Princesses wouldn’t deny a pony the ability to apply his talent if they can help it. But I also do them so that I can build a reputation among Canterlot’s underground, to better keep an eye on them.

A lot of the time, I’ll use the old “found a purse” dodge, picking someone’s saddlebags, going through their coinpurse, and then trotting up to them to return the “lost” item. That’s what I was doing that day, partly as a way to keep my hoof in, but mostly as a way to burn off excess energy.

I tried to contain my giddiness. I mean, not only was my absolute favoritest nemesis back in town, not only had my recent heist landed a complete featherhead of a pegasus guard in K.P., but I had been summoned before the Princesses, together, at the changing of the guard.

I was so happy, I couldn't keep my hooves to myself. I "found" so many ponies' "dropped" coin purses... I returned them, of course. I was just keeping my hoof in, not hard up for cash or anything. Some of them were a bit light when I found them, so I may have slipped a few extra bits in them before I returned them.

In any event, sunset was rapidly approaching, so I returned my latest "find" and trotted off to the castle. A royal summons could only mean one thing: an assignment! And a summons before both Princesses meant it was gonna be a big one. I did a happy little jig, then let myself in an old, mostly forgotten servants' entrance to the palace.

My favoritest unicorn Captain of the Guard was standing just inside the door, looking very unamused.

"Shiny!" I beamed at him. "Good to have you back, man! This place hasn't been challenging enough without you."

He snorted. "I heard," he said. "Assault, Resisting Arrest, High Treason..."

My grin widened. "Ha! Featherhead McDumbo--"

"Stalwart Heart," corrected Shining Armor without changing expression.

"--didn't even catch on to the High Treason charge! He would have put me in for a two-year slap on the hoof! Oh, how I've missed you!" I leaned in to Shining Armor, glad for his presence. And his presence of mind: the sly devil hadn't brought his coin purse to meet me.

He pushed me away, but I didn't let that bother me. "Come on," he snapped. "Their Highnesses want to see you."

"I know," I said, still giddy. "Oh, speaking of royalty, you're a prince now yourself!" I noogied him. "You sly colt, you!"

He pushed me aside again. "For Celestia's sake, Defty, would you cut it out? I'm on duty! We'll hang out after shift change. You can get me up to speed on things in the city, and then we can hang out, okay? In the meantime, calm down."

I scrambled up a doorframe and into the rafters. "Can't calm down," I admitted. "I got my best enemy back and I'm going ~on assiiiiiiiiiignmennnnnnt~!"

He finally cracked a grin. "We're not enemies," he said. "We're... allied rivals."

"B.R.F.s!" I exclaimed, swinging from a chandelier. "Best Rivals Forever!"

"You are a very weird stallion," he said with a roll of his eyes. "Now come on, we're supposed to meet Cadance for dinner after this."

I dropped to the floor, quivering on my hooves. "We? I get to meet the famous Princess Mi Amore Cadenza herself? In person? How's my mane?"

"It's not your mane I'm worried about, Deft," grumbled Shining Armor. "It's your manners. Knock it off."

I swept a low bow to him. "Yes, Your Highness!"

"And don't call me that."

I snapped to attention and saluted. "Yes, Sir, Captain Shining Armor, Sir!"

"We're the same rank," he grumbled, but I saw the smile he was trying to hide. Technically, what he said wasn't true. I don't have a rank. But we were equals in one regard: I am at the center of the Equestrian espionage web that encompasses thieves guilds all across the country. They don't know it - I'm not in charge of any of them - but every pickpack, beggar, burglar, and cutpurse works for the Crowns. I report directly to Princess Luna, so in essence I'm "Captain" of the "Royal Canterlot Thieves Guild".

Shiny, of course, had his own network of informants. Members of the Merchants' Guild, most of them more concerned with their own bottom line than with affairs of State, would relay information through town criers. The advent of the printing press some fifty millennia ago (I may be exaggerating here) had rendered town criers obsolete, but they still had their uses to the Crowns.

A lot of merchants actually try to work on both sides of the law. They think they're clever. They think the Guard doesn't know. I think it's hilarious, but Shiny gets his tail in a twist about it. Every once in a while, we have to clean house. I find out who the worst offenders are: Fences who aren't above commissioning jobs instead of just buying merchandise. Barkeeps who act as intermediaries for those who would like something unfortunate to happen to somepony.

I find them, and Shining Armor and his guards take them down based on "an anonymous tip." It's a delicate balance - he has to back up his bust with information from other sources, or ponies will know I have something to do with all this. But between us, we've kept Canterlot as one of the safest cities in a kingdom renowned for being safe to live in.

There are still crimes in Canterlot. You can't have a large city without crime happening, if only because sometimes ponies find themselves in desperate straits. But word is out: there are crimes that are not welcome in the capitol of Equestria. Arsonists are dealt with harshly - fire spreads easily, and could injure or even kill uninvolved ponies. Extortion, assassination, and other violent crimes are dealt with even more expediently. Dealers in illicit substances are often dealt with by the thieves themselves - nopony is more likely to fall prey to them than the poor.

Between Shiny (and his guards) and me (and "my" thieves and beggars), we make sure it's tough to make a dishonest bit in Canterlot (but not too tough: without thieves, we lose a lot of valuable street-level information) and easy to turn over a new leaf. All in all it works out pretty well. Thieves find a way out of the Life, and they end up pretty darn loyal to the Princesses because of it. There's nopony more zealous than a convert.

Shiny kept a suspicious eye on me as we approached the throne room through the servant passages. It was all right for the Night Guard to see me in the palace, but it wouldn't do for the nobility to make the connection. In any case, while Shining Armor's guardsponies knew better than to blow my cover, I...

Well, let's just say I have impulse control issues.

"You're not going to embarrass me in there, are you?"

I contrived to look innocent. As excited as I was, I failed miserably, but I tried, darn it. "Who, me?"

He rolled his eyes. "All right, get it out of your system."

I did my little happy dance. The hip, young colts call it the shuffle, but in my day we called it the trotting colt. "~I'm going on assignment! I'm going on assignment! I'm going on assi-i-i-i-i-ignment!~"

"Better?"

I grinned. "Better."

"Right," he said, and opened the door to the throne room.

---

I was flabbergasted. The Princesses had wasted no time getting to the point, and it was even better than an assignment.

"A... a vacation? A really and for-reals vacation?"

"Indeed," said Princess Luna. "You have been seen a bit too often around the city." Hey, what can I say? I get around! "It occurs to Us that an agent of your stature is most useful when anonymous."

"Well," I equivocated, "I do have to stay in touch with my sources."

"Your sources are one thing," put in Princess Celestia. (You're not the boss of me! I thought, mentally sticking my tongue out at her.) "But..."

"Ponies are talking," Princess Luna continued for her. She, on the other hoof, is the boss of me, as I explained before. "Really, Deft, you simply must resist the urge to pilfer everypony's purse the moment the... opportunity..." She trailed off.

I looked up at her, pausing in my self-assigned task of reorganizing and alphabetizing the former contents of the Major Domo's saddlebag. "Um... what was that last part?" I blinked innocently up at her. "Your Highness?"

She rolled her eyes.

"Your most esteemed Majesty?"

She facehoofed.

"She Who Bringeth Forth the Night and all Its Wonders?"

Jabbing a hoof in my direction, she snarled. "That! That right there! Stop that!"

I glanced down at my hooves. "Um, oops? Now where did all these keys come from?" She wasn't buying it.

Princess Celestia cleared her throat. "It is our -- and Our," she added the Royal We for good measure, "considered opinion that Canterlot provides too much temptation for you now that Shining Armor is back from his honeymoon." I grinned at the knowledge that my B.R.F. was back. "So, we have arranged for you to spend some time out of town."

Woohoo! I thought. Las Pegasus here I come!

"We have made further arrangements for your departure tomorrow afternoon, and for your accommodations."

My grin widened. All expenses paid!

"You will be delighted to know you will be staying with family," Princess Luna put in.

My grin began to falter. That might cut down on the fun a bit. I could cancel the self-guided tour of the casino vaults, for one thing.

"And to ensure the smooth running of our network of underworld informants here in Canterlot, arrangements have been made for instant communications between you and myself..." The grin faltered a bit more. This was sounding less and less like Las Pegasus. "...while you are in Ponyville."

That made what was left of my grin vanish. "P... Ponyville?"

I heard a stifled snicker beside me. I looked over and was infuriated. My grin hadn't vanished after all. The traitorous expression had deserted me and taken up residence on Shining Armor's muzzle. When it came back later, I had half a mind to wipe it off my face. That would show it.

"Yes," said Princess Celestia with, I swear I am not making this up, a knowing smirk. "Ponyville. If we need you, we'll send word through Twilight Sparkle. You can send word to us the same way."

"In the interim," Princess Luna put in, forestalling any objection on my part, "it would behoove you to find a stand-in to handle things on this end."

---

I was in a panic. "What are they thinking?! I can't just tell somepony I work for the Princess!"

"I don't see what the problem is," Shining Armor said as he led me towards his quarters. "Aren't you proud?"

"Immensely," I said. "But still..."

"Didn't you once tell me that Princess Luna is the patroness of your art, as much as any other?"

"Well, yes," I admitted, "but it's sort of an unofficial role."

"Not for you, it isn't," he pointed out.

"Well, and my predecessors," I noted. "But it's one thing to think of Princess Luna providing the night, and another to think of her supporting the sort of furtive nocturnal activities that we use it for."

"How so?"

"Well, the Night Guard work for her, for one thing. You know, the ponies who arrest burglars, cutpurses, and pickpacks?"

"Well, yes. But the Night Guard defer to you because of your position."

"Which nopony is supposed to know about." I frowned. "Wow, after all these years, are you telling me you have zero concept of this? I and my contacts are criminals."

"It's not that," he argued. "What did you say to me when I caught you trying to steal Princess Celestia's regalia a couple of years ago?"

"Um, 'You'll never take me alive'?"

"Not that," he said with an eye roll. "When I asked why you would try something so blatantly impossible."

I grinned. "There's no point thinking about why you can't do something," I recited. "Just think about how you can. Right!"

"Exactly!" he said. "Now, speaking of impossible tasks, let's make you presentable."

---

It's not that I don't bathe. I do. Every night. But I have an image to maintain. Not in the "what would all the other ponies say" sense - although there's a bit of that. I need to be inconspicuous when I'm moving around amongst the dregs of society. Clean ponies stick out like a sore hoof, so after cleaning up, I take the time to make myself look like I've been out and about all day. And I have one hard and fast rule about bathing: no scented soaps. Scented soaps are for rich ponies.

Shining Armor knows all this. He understands the reasoning behind it. So why would he usher me into his bathroom, and stand outside telling me I wasn't leaving until I was squeaky clean and smelled like lavender? I asked him, but his answer didn't help much.

"Cadance likes the smell of lavender, all right?"

"And the sticker?"

"It's your new cutie mark," he said. "You lucky colt, you get to have a second Cuteceañera!"

"Ha, ha," I grunted. "So what's wrong with my old cutie mark?"

"Nothing," he said, "if you don't mind being seen out on the town with a princess and the Captain of the Guard."

Duh. This whole Ponyville thing must have been really bucking up my chi. "Sorry," I said. "Brainmeats not thunking goodwise."

"Yeah, I'll thunk you if you don't hurry up in there!"

I laughed. "Help! Help! I'm being repressed! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!"

---

While we waited at the restaurant for the bride to show up -- even as a "minor" princess, Cadance has duties to Equestria -- Shiny couldn't stop snickering. At me.

"Oh come on," I said. "I don't look that ridiculous, do I?"

He grinned. "You look fine, bro," he said. "Guard's Honor." Then the rat snickered again.

"Then what's so funny?"

“Nothing,” Shining Armor said. “Nothing at all.” I didn’t believe him, particularly not with that look on his face. “Say, how’s your family doing?”

I shrugged. “Well,” I said, “there’s this new group of colts hanging out at the old textile mill I’ve been keeping an eye on--”

He waved a hoof, interrupting me. “No, no, no, not Family. I mean your actual family. How are they?”

I facehoofed. “Right, of course you did.” Another shrug expressed the extent of my knowledge on that subject. “Well, they’re doing all right, I guess. I think Rhubarb took over that bakery in Manehattan. I kind of fell out of touch after the last Orange family reunion. Why?”

His grin got even wider and more smug. “Oh,” he said, “no reason.”

Before I could figure out what had him looking so much like the cat that got into the cream, the front door of the restaurant opened. I looked up to see who had arrived just as Princess Cadance came in, smiling at her husband and nodding politely to both me and the pink unicorn behind the counter as she made her way over.

Comments

[Parchment_Scroll]

First Post Author Notes:
For purposes of this story, and for having Deft tease Shining Armor, we shall assume that there is a pony version of Monty Python's Flying Circus doing stage shows all across Equestria. Or something. Because I couldn't resist that Holy Grail reference.

[Super_Big_Mac]

581785 We're Knights of the Round Stable!
We prance when ere we're able!
We do routines and chorus scenes
With hoofwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Canterlot,
We eat sham and jam and cram a lot.
We're Knights of the Round Stable,
Our shows are formidable,
But many times, we're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable.
We're Opera mad in Canterlot,
We sing from the diaphragm
a looooooot.
In war we're tough and able,
Quite indefatigable,
Between our quests we sequin vests,
And impersonate Wark Fable.
It's a busy life in Canterlot,
I have to pull the pram a lot.

There we go! One ponified Grail song!

[Super_Big_Mac]

By the nine gods, I canNOT wait for an update! I know, I know... but still! This promises to be extremely good! XD My only question... who was the overseer during the 1000 years Luna was banished to the moon? Celestia?

[nemryn]

581785
WHY ARE THEY USING COCONUTS

[Super_Big_Mac]

Actually, giving this a second read made me think of something. Deft seems to mr to be a Robin Hoof.

On an unrelated topic. A friend of mine, Flame-LoneWolf, is writing a fic about an assassin- or hitclot- who settles in Ponyville. I'd kinda like to do a cameo at some point with Defty, and maybe you can do the same with Storm Scratch or Red (Crimson)? The story is called Remorse: Color of Crimson. Just tell me if you'd be okay with us using Deft, okay? I can already think of three scenes he'd be good in. XD

[Parchment_Scroll]

583504
Which brings us back to that line in Fastest Fall: "No, on second thought, let's not go to Canterlot. It is a silly place."
584096
Indeed, Princess Celestia maintained the post in her sister's stead because it's just so darn useful. I'd venture to say Deft gets almost as much of his personality from her as he does from his father. (More on that in a couple of chapters.)
584101
To simulate the sound of...

Oh.

Um...
Because coconut is a funny word to say it. Give it a try! Coconut coconut coconut coconut coconut coconut coconut coconut!
584516
I like fics that cross-reference each other, so I don't see why not. (More on that next chapter! ) I'd like to go over any references before submission, though, if only to keep his personality intact (if that's the appropriate word).

[Parchment_Scroll]

581785
Pony Python's Pegacircus!
Yes, I'm replying to myself because I only just thought of that.

[moguera]

"Help!  Help!  I'm being repressed!  Come and see the violence inherent in the system!"

BLOODY PEASANT!!!!!!

[Parchment_Scroll]

609772
Bust hump coming up with semi-original humor
Silence
Monty Python Reference
Comments
...
Seriously, though, if I didn't like it, I wouldn't make the references. :D

[Super_Big_Mac]

Hmm... most of the end of the chapter is italicized. Otherwise, all the new looks good!

[Parchment_Scroll]

647178
Bugger all, I could have sworn I checked for that. Fixed.

Sadly, the "Import from GDocs" feature is buggy as all hell and drops chunks of story, so I had to copy-paste and re-insert tags manually instead.

[TheAssumingMage]

This is AWESOME
Never seen such a good theif fic

[ChaoticHarmony]

Oh my dear celestia.... I love this here story! Really really good, I shall be tracking this and making advertising attempts. This deserves a feature from what I've read so far!

[monkeyXtypewriter]

soooo glad i just found this story onwards!

[kyubbiman]

I love the monty Python reference that was pure genius