• Published 22nd Jun 2015
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Regret - I Am The Night



An accident results in a falling out between you and Rainbow Dash, the mare of your dreams, and your friendship with her lies on the brink of destruction.

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Chapter V: Honest

Author's Note:

There are some times where I can keep a character in-character. There are also times where I suck at it.

You be the judge for this chapter. This chapter is not the best written, honestly. I tend to say that a lot.

Enjoy.

Chapter V: Honest

Even when the sun rose into the sky and the morning was bright, the inside of your home was dark and hollow. You never realized how empty it really was until you actually walked about and looked.

You didn't sleep at all. Not even when the morning came did you feel exhaustion. It was only your depression that grew further. You didn't want to go outside at all; you didn't even want to look outside most of the time. Every once in a while, you would open a blind slightly and watch as the ponies went about their daily lives: Gathering groceries, talking about important business, reminiscing about...last night...

Looking in the distance, you could see a group of construction ponies, already getting to work at removing all of the rubble of the house...

...the house you burnt down.

And if you looked closer, you could even see the poor ponies who used to inhabit that house. You didn't know them well, if at all, but you did know their names. Ocean Showers and Pearly Wishes. They were nothing more than simple ponies who just wanted to live their lives as they wished, or at least you thought they did.

Just the sight of them looking through what was left of their home for whatever survived was enough to worsen your guilt by ten times more.

You closed the blinds when a single pony saw you through the window. Their expression of sorrow didn't make you look twice.

While you were depressed, you didn't starve or strive to hurt yourself. You did the occasional business as normal; the only differences meant not going outside and eating in the dark. You liked the silence and darkness of it all.

At least, you think you did. You weren't sure of it.



Every day for the next few days was the same routine: Get up [if you ever had gone to sleep], eat breakfast, lay on the couch for hours, look outside the window and watch the slowly graying environment, and when the moon was high in the sky, you would lay in bed and either stare at the ceiling or cry for a long time; you could never remember for how long.

You just didn't care.

You weren't even in the mood to listen to the radio anymore. For days, the house was filled with deafening silence, only except for when you walked, showered, or cried.

The depression was able to keep you in your house for only four days; at the end of those four days, your pantry was running low on food, and at this rate, you would be out of food by the end of the week.

You knew you wouldn't be able to stay shuttered up in this house forever, especially with low food-stocks---so you had to force yourself to go out and shop.

But not yet.

Slowly making your way upstairs, you opened up a drawer in your bedroom and pulled out a gray hoodie. It wasn't anything special to you, just a rarely worn piece of clothing. But today, you figured that it would be useful to hide, even when ponies could see you.

It didn't take long to put on, neither was it difficult. It fit snug as a bug; it actually warmed you a bit, but it wasn't long before you felt cold once more.

You decide to go into the bathroom to see if it is properly fitted. As you turn the lights on in the bathroom, you look into the mirror, and even through depression, you still manage to shock yourself.

Looking in the mirror to you was like looking at a completely different pony. You didn't think staying inside would...change anything, but after just four days, you could see that your fur color was beginning to fade slightly, along with your mane and tail colors. They weren't as colorful as they usually were---despite you not being as colorful as most ponies.

It was honestly hard to believe that the pony in the mirror was really yourself.

You didn't want to think on it too much, at least not now. Instead of pondering at the thought any longer, you left the bathroom, turned off the lights, left your bedroom, headed downstairs, grabbed your satchel and---for the first time in four days---opened your front door.

The immediate light that shone against you was nearly blinding, but it didn't surprise you that you've been avoiding the sun---or anything else---for this long.

Upon first regaining sight of the outside world, you found yourself staring at the town in a much more...dim way. The color that was abundant whenever you viewed the town was faded, almost like you. The sky and the water was less blue, the grass was less green. Even the ponies had lost somewhat of their colorful glow to them.

While most of the ponies around you didn't notice your existence, only a couple had actually turned their heads in your direction.

It was, quite honestly, surprising to see that even a couple of ponies still held a grudge against you after four days. Of course, it was only four days; not enough to forgive and forget. But even though some were still angered with you, some still felt sorry for you after that night.

You found it quite interesting that one of those sorrowful ponies was Lyra Heartstrings. She was still somewhat frustrated with you after the incident with her groceries, but today she looked like she had been worried about you.

It wasn't wrong for her to worry about you; you just found it a bit---intriguing.

But you didn't think of it for too long. You were only going to get groceries and that would be it. Nothing more, nothing less.

Turning in the opposite direction of those who looked upon you, you began your trek to the market. Along the way, you came across the house that had been destroyed; the new one was already nearly complete, even after four days.

They sure work fast, you think before continuing forward.

The length from home to the market was not too long, only a few minutes. When you get there, you see ponies already having set up shop---no surprise, it was past noon---while some were reconstructing their stables, having also been burnt down.

A list in one hoof, you head to every stable that had the required foods that you needed: Vegetables, fruits, bread, milk, butter, even a few desserts here and there, and a few more. With the hood over your head, no one bothered to ask who you were. Or maybe they knew and didn't want to say anything, either out of anger or sorrow for you.

After a good twenty minutes, you had just about everything that you needed, despite a few select items that were unavailable or lost. You knew mostly why, but you figured those items would be back on sale next week or so.

You now got what you came for, and so now you were ready to head back home.

But along the journey back home, you began to hear a familiar bouncing noise emitting from behind you. As you turned around to the source, you saw Pinkie Pie hopping her way along towards you, as if she noticed that it was you, despite your face having been almost completely covered with your hood. Maybe it was your legs, or your visible tail.

Or maybe it was your clear-as-day Cutie Mark. Great job in covering that up.

Once Pinkie was just a few hooves in front of you, she greeted you with a big smile on her face, quite different from what you saw four days prior. With a cheerful tone to her voice, she asked what you were doing.

Simply, you replied, "I'm just heading home."

With a curious pint to her cheer, she asked, "What's in the bag?"

"Just a bit of food, that's all-"

Suddenly, Pinkie hopped into the air once more and cut you off.

"Ooh! Speaking of food, I totally forgot! There's something I want you to try out over at Sugarcube Corner!"

"I'd love to, Pinkie, but-"

"Awesome! C'mon!"

By surprise, Pinkie grabs you by the hoof and drags you along. Had it not been for the strap on your satchel, your food would have fallen everywhere onto the ground. You wanted to protest against Pinkie dragging you along, but you decided not to do anything but just play along and follow her.

Sugarcube Corner wasn't exactly far from where the market was, literally around the corner. And when it came into your view, it somewhat colored the world around you just a little bit. It was...nice.

As Pinkie continued to drag you along, you asked her what exactly she wanted you to try out, but she only said, "It's a surprise!"

You didn't ask further, rather deciding to wait until you saw it for yourself.

By the time you reached the front steps of the shop, Pinkie let go of your hoof and stood just beside the steps. Bowing like a stallion, she said, "Gentlemen first."

In honesty, while you found it quite...out of it for her to do that, you found it quite funny, though you didn't laugh out loud. Playing along, you thanked her with somewhat of a faint smile upon your face, the first real smile you had since the party.

Walking up the steps, you held you hoof out for Pinkie. With a faint blush on her cheeks, she grabbed your hoof and you led her inside the shop. Upon opening the doors, you were greeted with the occasional design of the main room. Curious to see what the 'surprise' was, you looked around the shop from where you stood. But there was no cake or cupcake to be seen.

Suddenly, the sound of a clearing throat startles you, and you turn to your right to see not just Pinkie, but the other four girls sitting on one big table. Yes...other four...including Applejack.

Looking to the closest pony, you noticed that it was Twilight, staring at you with worried, but somewhat determined eyes.

Curious to know why they were here, you ask them, "What's going on?"

The girls all look at each other, staring at each other's eyes with worry and sadness, before all looking back to you.

Breathing in slowly and gently letting the air flow, Twilight spoke up out of the group.

"We need to talk."

Saving a seat for you, you made yourself snug within it. Looking in both directions, you took a look at the girls.

It didn't take a scientist to tell that they were worried about you. Looking at Pinkie, you realized that her cheery expression was nothing but a show for you, judging by her now saddened expression and deflated mane.

However, none of that was really all that surprising.

It was the fact that Applejack...the pony who insulted you along with Rainbow Dash...was worried about you too. Or maybe that was just a show too. You wouldn't know until she spoke.

But she wasn't the first to speak, Twilight was, but not to you.

"Applejack," she began slowly, "...Don't you have something to say?"

At first, you found yourself staring at Twilight with somewhat of a confused expression, before turning your attention to the farm mare herself, the expression still stuck to your face. Asking Twilight what she was talking about, she simply told you to ask AJ herself.

You never did ask her, but you did look to her.

Seeing your face, she knew you were a bit confused, and while she didn't speak right away, she simply looked away from you, seeming that she could not bear to look you in the eyes.

And as you looked at her face, you knew that look on it was guilt and only that.

And that wasn't fake. Guilt was a hard expression to truly fake, judging from your experience, at least. From the mare's face alone, you could tell almost right away that she was really guilty.

But for what, exactly?

After what felt like a few moments of interior silence, Applejack lifted her face, looked you into the eyes, and spoke.

"...Ah'm sorry."

A bit dumbfounded, you decided to ask why she was sorry.

Another few moments of silence passed, but she didn't look away, but seemed as if she was trying to come up with the right terms. When she spoke, it was somewhat calm, collective, and ultimately, sorrowful.

"Twilight told me everything that you heard... from me and Rainbow."

Your eyes opened a bit, and you turned to Twilight, asking why she did that.

"You deserved an apology," she replied, then prompted you to turn back to Applejack so you could hear "the full story."

A second of silence came and went, with the mare continuing on with her speech.

"...Ah don't hate you...Ah know that---what we said wasn't the best thing we said about you...but...some of those things Ah said to her...they weren't true."

You didn't say anything, nor did you act surprised all that much, but you let her keep talking.

"You're a nice pony. You're caring...you're kind...you make ponies laugh----heck, Ah even had a thing for you when we first met."

THAT did surprise you, and you actually questioned it. It honestly made Applejack laugh a little at your response---in a positive way, of course.

"...You've always been my friend...from the start. Sure, Ah'll admit...you are a bit...clumsy at times. But t' ain't no reason for you to get yelled at. Rainbow went---she went too far that night."

Before she could go further, you stopped and interjected with your experience.

"I saw you that night; it looked like you were agreeing with her."

Applejack took your response and nodded away at it. Her face still carried sadness within it.

"Ah wasn't agreeing with her...Ah was... Ah couldn't believe it."

You cocked your head, curious what she meant by it.

"Ah never agreed with anything she said about you. Every time she said something hurtful about you, Ah couldn't believe what Ah was hearing."

She was silent again for a few more moments. Looking back at the table, she looked blankly---but sadly---at it, her stare becoming unfocused, as if she was thinking of something else.

With a sigh, she didn't look back to you, but what she said was...unexpected.

"Sometimes, Ah wonder why she's even the Element of Loyalty at all."

As you looked at the others, you saw a look of slight shock and disbelief on their faces to her words. Before any of them, even Twilight, had a chance to say anything, Applejack added onto her statement.

"...She lies all the time, is always self-centered, and...she...pretends to be somepony's friend, only to talk smack about them behind their backs. What kind of a friend does that?"

Lifting her head up, she turns towards you and that look of guilt is replaced with concern and sympathy.

"And the way she treats you...You do everything---everything---that you can to make her smile at you, to make her happy; heck, even love you! And what does she do? She pushes you around, talks down to you, insults you, and blatantly said, in front of the whole darn town, that the world could care less if you were gone...Does she even take a chance to even acknowledge you? At all?"

Before you could answer, she does it for you.

"No. She doesn't...because most of the time in her life, she cares about nopony but herself; nothing but a stubborn, lazy, ignorant jerk who doesn't know what it means when it comes to love. She spends all her time waiting for that perfect somepony of hers to just lift her off her hooves and keep her happy---and she doesn't even realize that she's been hurting him behind his back for a long time."

Finished with her rant, she begins to breathe slowly, seemingly a bit tired from it. Slowly, you find yourself looking at the floor, taking in what Applejack had just said. You didn't know any way or form to respond to it. Sometimes, you never would say anything at all when it came to rants or arguments, so for this one, you did nothing but think.

But once the mare had caught her breath, she lifted a hoof, held your head gently and turned it towards her. Her eyes, while still holding that sympathy, was now filled with---care.

"You're an amazing pony----and you're an amazing friend. Anypony would be lucky to be with you."

That last sentence made you smile a bit, to which Applejack's own grew.

With open hooves, you and Applejack pull each other into a heartwarming hug. The feel of her warm fur sent a slight chill through your body; you found it comforting, even through the jacket.

"...Can you ever forgive me?" she asks.

For a few moments, you don't respond, but entice yourself into the hug. While you didn't think she was lying, you did, however, think of the things she said.

You knew there was no way she would be lying about all that she said. You can tell when a pony lies just from eyes alone.

And they looked quite truthful to you.

So holding her slightly tighter, you give her an answer.

"Yes----I forgive you."

For a few more good moments, you stayed embraced with Applejack, feeling somewhat better for the first time in four days. It felt as if a weight had been lifted off your shoulders. While not all of the weight was lifted away, it felt good knowing a bit of the truth.

It felt good having a friend back.

You didn't leave right after that talk. Instead, you stayed for a good several hours, Pinkie insisting on letting your groceries stay fresh in the fridge. That took care of the problem of the milk going bad.

For the next few hours, you and the others talked about---well, whatever you could think of. Jokes, myths, fairy-tales, history, and even how the week went---which was an awkward subject to talk of.

However, while the shop was lively with conversation almost all day---and while you still talked at some points here and there---you were mostly silent. At first, no one really acknowledged it, seeing as you did talk and joke about a bit.

But by the time the sun was nearing the horizon, Twilight began to notice that you were looking rather down again. Asking what's wrong, you pulled yourself out of the sudden daze you found yourself in.

"Nothing," you reply, "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine," Twilight remarks, clearly talking about your long face. Stepping closer to you, she asks what the problem is.

Pitching in, Rarity adds, "Yes, don't be afraid to tell us, darling."

Looking up a bit from the floor, you notice that all of the girls are looking at you, clearly waiting for you to give out an answer. Knowing that they wouldn't wait forever for you to reply, you sigh a bit and respond to them with a slight tone of sadness to your voice.

"I guess I'm still just a bit upset after what happened with Dash---that's all."

And it honestly wasn't wrong to think of it. You knew exactly what it was: An accident. Yet Rainbow Dash thinks you're nothing but a walking disaster waiting to happen. Some part of you wanted to reject her claims, tell her that she was just wrong about you entirely. But then there was that other part of you, the one that seemed to want to believe everything she said. Maybe you were a walking disaster. Maybe you did cause suffering at every turn. Maybe-...

Your thoughts were interrupted as Twilight gently put a hoof on your shoulder; it was always her way of comfort to you, and most of the time it would work.

Looking at her face, she held within it a smile.

"It wasn't your fault. You know that," she says calmly.

Rather than accept it, you respond against it, while not negatively.

"But I was the one who tripped."

"But you didn't mean to, right?"

"Well---no, but-"

"But nothing. Don't beat yourself up for something that was out of your control. What happened happened."

"Yeah, I know...and now---she hates me...You know---I thought everything was going to go smoothly. I thought I was going to be able to at least have her appreciate me, and I screwed it all up in just a fraction of a second."

With a sigh, you once more look to the ground and finish off your words.

"And I'll never be able to fix it."

And for a moment, you sat there, not wanting to say anything else, but mostly because you didn't really have anything to say. Twilight removed her hoof from your shoulder and not only walked away, but began to walk in circles. You knew from experience that she was officially in a thinking mode.

Depending on how hard and how much she thought, she would walk in a circle for hours or just a few moments. Depending on how long, there would be ho damage to the floor, or there would be a large circle paced into it.

Up to a full minute passes before you hear Twilight come up with some sort of agreement.

"Maybe you can fix it."

While it wasn't as intriguing of an answer as you hoped, it lifted an eyebrow and your head. Staring at Twilight, you asked her what she meant by that; how were you honestly going to fix a mess that you caused?

With a look of planned excitement plastered onto her face, she exclaimed.

"A vacation, of course!"

After she said that, you raised your eyebrow a little more, seeming confused at her answer. How was that going to help at all with this?

Before you could ask that question out loud, Rarity did it for you.

"Darling, what exactly do you mean by 'vacation?' How would that help?"

Turning towards the white unicorn, Twilight began to explain.

"Let's face it...We've all had a rough few days, him mostly," she points to you, continuing, "So maybe it would be best for all of us to just...get away from Ponyville and relax for a little while. Get some fresh air."

"That sounds lovely. Where did you have in mind?" Rarity asks.

For a few good moments, Twilight ponders over the question, as if thinking.

"Well~...I was hoping we could give Manehattan another visit. I mean, we were only there once, and that was just for your fashion show. Plus, I'm sure he's never been there."

"That's true," you slowly remark. "I've always wanted to go to Manehattan, but...I never really had the time---or the money."

Suddenly, you found Rarity flung up in front of you, a vast look of excitement on her face.

"Then you are in luck, Darling! Manehattan is one of the most exquisite cities you could ever visit in Equestria! Just think of it: We'll get to see thousands of beautiful dresses, displays, and even more fashion shows! Ugh, I can hardly wait already!"

Rarity upheld a proud expression, but looked at you in somewhat of awkward embarrassment when she realized she was beginning to get carried away.

"Ehehe----and maybe a few romantic spots as well."

Walking up to Rarity and looking to you, Twilight held a little smile and asked, "So? What do you say?"

You didn't respond immediately; instead, you looked at the other girls. Applejack, Fluttershy, and Pinkie all had looks of excitement on their face as they waited for you to answer, seeming to already know what you would say.

Looking to Rarity, her face showed more than just excitement, but to you, it seemed more like she was caring more about the fashion part of the trip than the real reason you were going. Not that you minded, really.

When you looked at Twilight, her face showed slight excitement, happiness, but most importantly, care.

Letting in a breath of air, you held it in for a moment or two, before you let your lungs contract, the air escaping from your nostrils.

And as you looked at the girls altogether, your mouth began to curve gently into a smile.

And you responded.

"Okay."

Almost in unison, the girls cheered at your decision, Rarity specifically looking happy---no surprise. In the background, Pinkie was hopping up and down, repeating the same three words over and over in a fast manner.

"Ican'twaitIcan'twaitIcan'twaitIcan'twait..."

Once their cheering was over, you and they began to make a date for when you would leave for the city. After a short discussion, the six of you settled on the day after tomorrow, Thursday, at noon. Once the date was settled, you decided to ask Twilight how she would convince Rainbow to go on the trip. She didn't give out specific details, but she said that she would be on that train on Thursday.

For another hour, the six of you continued to talk and have friendly fun, until the sun finally dipped beneath the horizon. You said your goodbyes to each of them, collected your groceries, and headed home.

Along the way home, you heard the sound of somepony flying high overhead. When you looked above, a streak zipped past the sky. You swore it had been Rainbow Dash, but the streak was too far and too faded for you to assume, so you disregarded it.

Once you walked through your front door, you opened your bag of groceries, put the food where it needed to be, and made your way upstairs to take a shower.

It was just as relaxing as it had always been.

When you got out of the shower, you had the curiosity of checking yourself in the mirror. Wiping away the fog to it, you looked at your reflection in a bit of surprise. The colors in your fur had returned to normal, no longer slightly grayed.

It honestly made you smile a bit.

Once you were dried off, you hung your towel up on the rack, turned off the bathroom light, and began to slip your way into bed. Shutting off your lamp at your side, you yawned and began to close your eyes.

And for the first time in four days, your eyes were not filled with tears, but with dreams.

For the first time in four days, sleep came to you.

And it was such a reward.