Intro# 3, Icy Wish
“To take orders without question, to kill without mercy, to always do what I am told; that’s my only true purpose in life.”
-Icy Wish
Somewhere deep in the forest near the dragon lands, were three teenage dragons roaming about and snickering to each other. The leader, Garble, was an average sized teenage dragons with red and yellow scales with a nasty looking smile on his face.
Next to him were two other dragons: one skinny, purple scaled dragon and one overweight, brown scaled dragon. The trio were each carrying a small bag over their shoulders filled with glimmering gems. They just robbed a group of Diamond dogs and were walking back to their mountain while telling crude jokes.
“Man, did you see the looks on those dogs faces when he ambushed them?” laughed the purple dragon.
“Yeah, they were all ‘Aaaah! Don’t hurt us!’” snickered the brown dragon.
“And the way we burned down their little gem wagons was hilarious!” added the purple one.
“Ha. Diamond dogs are so pathetic!” sneered Garble. “Although it was nice of them to offer us their tasty gems.”
“Hehehe, yeah, ‘offer’” agreed the purple one as the trio began to laugh some more.
Eventually they unintentionally walked into a wide open area in the middle of the woods. As they were walking, they all stopped and took in a frightening sight. There, in the open area, laying on the ground, were many dragon corpses.
“What the?!” they all yelled in complete fear.
The trio dropped their gem bags and took in the horrible sight. Their fellow teenage dragons just laid there, completely motionless. They were all covered with blood, scratches, scars, de-winged, with their hearts extracted and eyes gouged out. They all saw one fellow dragon body lying right in front of them with its claws missing, while another was lying over a nearby boulder dripping blood, and another crucified on a tree trunk by its wings. Another dragon was found lying on the ground surrounded by a pool of blood and another body with its decapitated head resting on it’s now dead claw.
Garble and his gang couldn’t believe what they were seeing, it was a complete massacre. The purple one started hyperventilating while the brown one ran over to a nearby tree stump to empty his stomach. Meanwhile Garble’s eyes just grew wider, with both fear and rage.
“What….who…did this?!” he seethed.
Just then, they all heard loud screaming coming from the distance. They all looked in front of them and saw a surviving teenage dragon running out of the woods. This one had white and pink scales and were covered with scars. He came rushing towards Garble’s gang.
“PLEASE HELP ME! PLEASE HELP-“
ZAP!
His cry was cut short when a blue beam had shot right through the young dragon’s chest and splattered blood over Garble’s face. He stepped back, startled, and wiped the blood off his face while throwing up a little in his mouth. He looked down and stared at the now dead dragon on the ground, with a bloody hole in its body. After he got a good glimpse of the corpse, he heard strange giggling coming from the distance. It sounded very feminine, girly even.
He looked up and noticed a figure started to walk out in the distance, towards him. The figure had that of a full grown mare, and was covered by a dark cloak. Garble couldn’t make out who it was, since the pony figure had it’s hood up.
“What?! A Wimpy little pony did this?!” he exclaimed.
As the pony figure was getting closer and closer to Garble he noticed something else. The pony had a long blue lance attached to its right side, and there was smoke coming from the tip of it. The pony figure then began to giggle.
“Hehehehehe, Tag, you’re it,” the figure giggled. Garble was sure now it was a mare, from the girly giggle. The pony looked up and noticed Garble. Even though nobody could see it, the pony formed a big grin on her face.
“Hello there!” she greeted innocently. “What’s your name?”
“None of your damn business!” retorted Garble. “Are you the one who did this?! What are you doing here?!”
The cloaked pony with the lance giggled some more at his straight forward question.
“Looking for a new playmate!” she answered as she raised her lance at him. The lance then fired a blue magical beam and was aiming right at Garble. Luckily, he flew out of the way just in time. The beam hit the tree behind him and blew up, sending burning tree bark flying everywhere. Garble hit the ground and his companions quickly came to his side.
“You alright?” asked the brown dragon.
“Yeah,” he answered as he got back up.
“Is that thing supposed to be a pony?” asked the purple one.
The cloaked figure started to walk closer towards the trio with it’s blue lance still at it’s side.
“Aw, why’d you move out of the way?” she whined. “You’re no fun!”
“Hey! Blaze Blade!” yelled another feminine voice. The dragons all looked to the left and noticed another cloaked pony, yanking out a sword out of another teenage dragon corpse. It turned around and started walking towards the other clocked pony, while levitating it’s sword with magic. Garble got the idea that this pony was a unicorn. There was a scarlet aura surrounding the handle, and it looked like a longsword with a five foot blade. The other pony figure whipped the blade to get the blood off as it was finally next to the lance pony.
“How many times have I told you? Stop playing around with your victims,” she scolded. “We’re here on an important mission, remember? We can’t afford any delays.”
“Aw C’mon, Crystal Cutter!” complained the lance pony named Blaze. “I was just having a little fun. And besides, it’s not like these dragons will be going anywhere anytime soon. They’re already dead, Haha!”
“Even so, we were given an order to carry out the first phase of the extermination process. If we stop even for a second, they could just multiply behind our backs. We need to get them while they’re still young and vulnerable,” reasoned the sword pony named Crystal.
As they were talking, Garble’s eyes began to fill with both rage and fear. He was livid that a couple of ponies were able to slaughter their fellow dragons, and afraid that these ponies might be able to do the same to them. He became really upset as he clenched his claws and gritted his teeth.
“Hey!” he finally yelled. “What the hell is going on here?!”
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” giggled the lance pony.
“Grrrr! There’s no way we’re going to let a couple of pussy ponies intimidate us!” Garble growled.
“Yeah!” yelled his two companions.
“Whatever, it’s your funeral,” replied Crystal as she raised her sword with her magic.
All three of them started to grit their teeth with anger and narrowed their eyes on the cloaked strangers. They spread their wings and charged at the ponies with an intent to kill them.
“Shut it!” they all yelled.
Garble was the first to attack as he swiped his claw at them, but they both jumped back at the attack. Both ponies raised their weapons higher and were prepared for the fight.
“How lame,” hissed the cloaked unicorn.
Garble then flew into the air as a sudden idea came to his head. He took in a deep breath and exhaled fire that covered the entire area. Pretty soon, the whole place was engulfed in flames.
“Fire!?” exclaimed Blaze.
“This is bad!” spoke Crystal.
Garble let out a small laugh, thinking that they’ve won and avenged their fellow dragons. He noticed that the lance pony was suddenly caught on fire, which made him laugh even more. However, his laughter was brought to a halt when he noticed something unusual. A large snowy cloud appeared out of the forest and covered the open area and putting out the flames.
“What?!” all the dragons yelled in disbelief.
The cloud put out the dragons flame almost instantly, leaving some snow and ice crystals behind. Once the ice cloud died down, the two cloaked ponies looked up at the teenage dragons.
“What?!” exclaimed the purple dragon. “Where did that blizzard cloud come fr-“
ZAP!
The burnt lance pony shot a beam at the purple dragon’s right wing before he could finish his sentence and came plummeting down to the ground, screaming. He fell down with a thud and looked up at the cloaked figure, still unable to detect her face because of her hood, but saw that she had a flowing white mane. She looked down and aimed her lance at his face.
"Say Cheese!" she mocked.
“Why you-“started the fallen dragon.
SHINK!
The dragon let out a scream of agony as several icicles were suddenly shot and impaled his back legs. He looked back and noticed that the icicles was turning his legs into ice.
SHINK!
More icicles were shot and impaled into his back and his arms. Before he could say or do anything else, his entire body became encased in ice. The dragon was nothing more than lizard in an ice cube. The lance pony looked up and noticed, yet another, cloaked pony hiding in the trees and resting on a sturdy branch.
“Hey! No fair!” exclaimed Blaze. “I was supposed to get him, Icy!”
The mare in the tree pulled pack her hood, revealing her face to the latter. She had a sky blue fur coat with along with a long, flowing, mane. The azure blues, blacks and whites in her mane mixed together as her mane whipped in the wind. She also had big eyelashes and ruby red eyes. Her horn was covered by a blue aura as she looked down at the other cloaked mares.
“I’m sorry,” she apologized.
“Don’t be,” stepped Crystal. “It’s first come, first serve. Excellent save with that blizzard, might I add.”
“Oh, why thank you,” Icy replied sounding flattered.
Garble and the other dragon flew down the ground and looked at their now frozen friend. Fear and despair started to stir in their eyes. Not only was their friend’s wing severed, but now his entire body was encased in ice.
“What did you do!?” shouted Garble.
“Isn’t it obvious? Your friend has become a dragon Popsicle,” informed the sword pony. “But why should you care? It’s not like you dragons actually have hearts.”
“I’ll kill you!” growled the brown dragon as he charged right at the hooded mares.
At the same time, Crystal charged right for the brown dragon with her blade held straight with her magic and aimed right at him. The dragon threw a fist while Crystal held her blade in a blocking position. The dragon’s fist connected with the blade and the force sent the pony back, hitting a nearby boulder and cracking it. The pony got back up and held her sword again with her magic. The dragon suddenly got scared when he caught a glimpse of her piercing scarlet eyes.
“How dare you!” she yelled as she charged. The brown dragon did the same and charged towards her again. The two ran right past each other, but it was Crystal who stopped first. The brown dragon also stopped and grew confused. He turned around and noticed the sword pony. He was sure he was aiming right at her, so why did he miss, and why did he feel a sudden breeze while passing?
“What the heck happened?” he wondered. “Did we not hit each other?”
He then took notice at the sword pony’s blade, it was completely crimson and dripping. He let out a loud gasp and look down on his body. Before he could say or do anything else, his body burst and exploded with blood. Garble looked in horror as his friends body has been sliced and diced into the shape of a diamond. The pony looked back as she saw the dragons head flying from the attack.
“We did make contact. I just attacked faster,” she informed him as she whipped the blood off her blade.
Icy then leaped off her branch and formed a short sword made of ice. She then proceeded to slice at the dragons decapitated head while it was still in the air, flinging blood and ice everywhere. The head landed on the ground and was now in the shape of a bloody snowflake.
“My my. How crafty, Icy,” commented Crystal which made Icy blush a little.
Garble couldn’t take it anymore. He decided the best thing to do was to get out of there before he ends up like his friends, and who wouldn’t do that?
“I gotta get out of here!” he yelled as he spread his wings and attempted to fly away. Unfortunately, a huge wall made of ice formed and blocked Garbles exit out of the area. He turned around and noticed Icy’s horn still glowing and making the ice wall bigger.
SHINK! SHINK!
Garble let out a painful scream as his wings were pierced to the ice wall by Blaze’s lance and Crystal’s sword. He couldn’t move and couldn’t escape. All he could do was shiver in fear, and in coldness due to the ice wall he was attached to. A thought then struck his head. His wings may be no longer functional, but that doesn’t mean his breath wasn’t. He cracked a smiled and let out another breath of fire.
“Not again!” yelled Blaze as she jumped away.
This time, Crystal was too slow and the fire burned her hooves. She jumped back and dropped her sword. She then attempted to cool them off in some nearby ice. Garbles smile grew as he kept on breathing his infernal fire. Another ice cloud appeared and immediately put out the fire. Not only that, a chain made of ice shot right out of the cloud and wrapped itself around Garble’s throat, preventing him from breathing his fire breath, but still kept him breathing normally.
The fire was put out as he saw an angry Icy. She looked back at the other mares and noticed their burn marks. She turned back and glared at the trapped dragon. She shot two icicles out of her horn and impaled his palms. He let out another scream as the icy unicorn approached him.
“You’ll pay for what you did to my sisters!” she threatened.
“Hey, Icy!” yelled Blaze as she flew down, revealing that she was a pegasus. “Why don’t you try out that new trick you’ve been working on?”
“You really think so?” she asked as she stared back at Crystal for approval. Her hood nodded yes and Icy turned to face Garble.
“OK then,” she said as she formed a little marble made of ice in her front right hoof. She then leaned in towards Garble and forced his mouth opened with her magic.
“Don’t worry, this is no bigger than an average pill. So you should swallow it with ease,” she versed as she planted the ice marble on his tongue and closed his mouth. She released the ice chain around his neck and forced him to swallow the marble. They all heard a loud gulp and Garble’s eyes shrank with fear, not knowing what might happen next. Ten seconds had passed nothing happened, Icy was beginning to have her doubts, thinking that her new trick might not have worked. Garble then felt a cold sensation in his abdomen, like a blizzard forming inside of him.
SHINK! SHINK! SHINK! SHINK! SHINK! SHINK! SHINK!
Suddenly, several ice spikes came bursting out of his body. They came out in all sorts of directions, there were spikes coming out of his stomach, chest, arms, legs, tail, and even face. They were all covered with blood. As if it couldn’t get any worse, Garble’s body then began to freeze until he turned completely blue. He ended up like his other dragon friends, frozen and impaled from the inside.
“Huh, this is the first time it actually worked,” stated Icy. “Every time I tried this technique on a smaller creature, it would only freeze them halfway and only form three spikes. Perhaps it only works on larger beings?”
“Who cares? That was so cool!” proclaimed Blaze.
“Y-You mean it?” asked Icy as she turned around. She then remembered Crystal’s injury. “Ah, Crystal!” she yelled as she came to her aid. She put her hooves around her and applied some more ice to her injuries.
“Are you-“ Crystal then pressed the tip of her hoof to Icy’s lips, silencing her.
“Don’t worry, I’m alright. These might be more severe injuries than what I’m used to, but it’s nothing I can’t deal with,” Crystal responded.
“Anyway, you did great on your second mission.”
Icy’s face began to fluster and a huge grin formed on her face. She felt so happy to hear her “sister” say that she’s done a good job. Without thinking twice, she wrapped her hooves around Crystal again in a big hug and began thanking her constantly.
“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” she exclaimed as she smothered her. Crystal pushed her away with her hoof to get some space.
“Easy there, Icy Wish. You might’ve done well on this mission, but there’s still more to learn along the way. Plus, this extermination isn’t over yet. We can’t afford any delays, remember?” informed Crystal.
“Oh, right. Sorry,” Icy replied as she let go.
“Hey, lookie!” chirped Blaze. They looked to wear Blaze was pointing and saw another cloaked pony appear out of the forest and running towards them. This one was an earth pony stallion and had his hood down, unlike the other two mares.
He had an ash grey fur coat along with a short golden mane, he also wore a purple bandana that covered his muzzle. Crystal and Blaze decided to approach him while Icy went back to Garble’s frozen corpse to make sure he was dead.
“Hiya, Chance!” greeted Blaze.
“What’s the status report?” ordered Crystal, getting to the point.
The stallion named Chance pulled out a piece of paper from his cloak and handed it to Crystal. She levitated it with her magic and began to read it. Blaze hovered over her to read the message too. Both Crystal and Blaze’s eyes widen and let out a loud gasp as soon as they were done reading the letter.
“Thank you for getting this to us, Chance,” thanked Crystal. The stallion gave a simple nod and ran back into the forest.
“So, Mother finally managed to track them down,” Crystal said matter-of-factly.
“This is so exciting, what’re we going to do now?” chirped Blaze.
“We’ll take this message to the west mountain,” she answered. “Drill Down would want to see this. He’s probably done with his mission too.”
“Really?” wondered Blaze as she looked back Icy Wish who was examining Garble’s body. “OOOO! Idea!”
“What is it?” Crystal asked.
“Since Icy is still kinda new here, and seeing how she lacks experience.”
“Yeah?”
“Why don’t we send her to do the dirty deed!?” she suggested cheerfully.
“Blaze…”
“I bet she’d be SO HAPPY to go on her first hunt! I know I would.”
“I’m not so sure about that, Blaze,” doubted Crystal.
“C’mon, Crystal! Besides, Drilly’s got a lot on his mind and probably doesn’t want to be bothered. After all, he’s still trying cool down from that ‘incident’ a while back,” the lance pony suggested.
“I know he is. But he’s the one who wants to find them the most,” reminded Crystal.
“Really, why? After they betrayed us?”
“I don’t know why he wants them back. Believe me, I’ve asked him before. He just told me that I wouldn’t understand and that it’s personal. So that’s why we should take this message to him.”
“Awe, C’mon!” whined Blaze.
Crystal then began to tap her hoof to her chin and pondered for a bit, trying to think of a way to still give Icy an opportunity. An idea popped in her head.
“Then again, Chance could be just delivering the message to all the other squads. Who’s there to say that Drill hasn’t already gotten the message? I know how brutal and fearsome he can be. Plus, I really do want to help Icy,” she pondered. “Alright. Let’s talk to her.”
Both Blaze and Crystal approached Icy who was further freezing Garble for safe measures.
“Hey Icy!” called Blaze in a sing-song tone. “Come here!”
Icy gladly approached the two.
“What’s up?”
“We just got this message from Chance,” Crystal said she handed her the letter.
Icy read over the letter and let out a loud gasp when she finished. Blaze giggled a bit, seeing that she had the same reaction.
“S-s-she found them?” asked Icy nervously.
“I know, amazing right?” agreed Blaze.
“It appears that they’re located in a town called, ‘Ponyville’. And that’s many miles away from here,” informed the sword pony. “We have some cleaning up to do and you still lack experience. We’d figure that this would be the best way to further test your abilities and make you stronger. By having you bring in those traitors and delivering them the justice that they deserve.”
Icy began to cringe at that last part. She liked the idea of her first actual hunting mission, but she didn’t want to bring in the so called ‘traitors’ and execute them.
“I don’t know, Crystal. I mean, I really want to. But, I’ve gotten to know these ponies, in the past. And it didn’t sound like they wanted to betray us back then. Maybe they’re just understood?” wondered Icy.
Crystal felt like Icy wasn’t going to break and do the mission. She decided to break out her secret weapon. She slowly approached Icy and finally pulled back her hood. Icy was stunned to see Crystals face. Not only did she show her scarlet eyes, but also her pure white fur coat and a long, straight, violet mane. She also had luscious eyelashes with a pointed horn and sported a green beret on her head. Both Icy and Blaze, who still had her hood up, gasped at their comrade’s beauty as she approached Icy.
Crystal then formed a lustful smile and stared heavenly at Icy. She put her hoof underneath Icy’s chin and raised her head so that they would be looking at each other in the eyes. Icy’s face became paralyzed when she saw Crystals glimmering eyes.
“Don’t worry. I know you’re confused about this,” she cooed. “But we have to do what’s right. I didn’t want it to have to come to this, but what other choice do we have. I care about you Icy, I really do,” she continued as she stroked Icy’s mane behind her ear and got closer to her face. “I don’t want you to do this for us, I want you to do this for you. You are so much stronger and smarter than anypony else I know. Please, take advantage of that. I believe in you, Icy Wish.”
Icy blinked twice at that part. Does she really, have faith in me? She thought.
“My my. You’re awfully cold, Icy. Let me warm you up,” Crystal finished and wrapped her hooves around Icy’s body, locking her in a warm embrace. Icy just froze, she’d never seen Crystal so affectionate or loving before. Meanwhile Blaze grew an impressed grin, even though no one could see it, as she watched.
OOOOO! I’m so jealous! It’s so rare for Crystal to hug somepony! Just how powerful is this gift of hers?! Blaze thought.
Icy found herself hugging the seductive Crystal back as she closed her eyes and took advantage of this moment. Is she really holding me? This is so scarce. I don’t think I’ve ever been held or appreciated for this long. I really do want to become more powerful. But most of all, I really want Crystal to like me even more! She’s right, I have to take advantage of this! Icy thought to herself as she broke the hug. Crystal backed away with her hooves still on Icy’s shoulders. She just stared at the young ice mare with her seductive eyes.
“Feel warm now?” wondered Crystal.
“I’ll do it,” she muttered.
“Hmm?”
“I’ll bring them in. And I’ll become stronger!” Icy declared.
“Then what are you waiting for?” Crystal asked, still in her hushed voice.
Icy formed a gleaming smile and gave a simple nod. She then turned around, jumped up, and landed on the branch that she was on before. After that, she proceed to jump from branch to branch and disappear into the forest.
“Well, that takes care of that,” stated Crystal in her normal voice now.
“Did you really mean all the stuff you said to her?” wondered Blaze.
“Of course I did. My ability wouldn’t have worked if I lied,” admitted Crystal.
Icy Wish was hopping from branch to branch on her way to Ponyville. Her face was filled with determination to bring these ‘traitors’ in, to become stronger, and to win Crystal’s heart. As she was hopping, only one thought was in her head.
I’m coming for you, traitors! Especially you, Defiant Shield!
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Another amazing chapter.
Great Chapter!
Things are developing.
Gooood. Gooood.
5968811 Ok, I just fixed some of the mistakes. btw, why did you delete the other comment?
5981311 I really value your criticism, thanks. But there is a reason why some of these OCs have these certain abilities and will be revealed later in the story. I just wanted to try to start this fic off with a bang and good first impressions. There is a reason why some of these characters have these abilities, I just wanted to give a hint that these ponies aren't exactly the "normal" type. Or at least, what comes close to normal in Equestria. I can't really tell if you like this or hate this, but I do hope you keep reading on and like future chapters.
Thanks for your time.
5981558 btw, you told me what you thought about the first two OCs, but you never mentioned Icy Wish. What do you think of that one?
I only know how big Garble is as an "average sized teenage dragon" because I've seen the one episode he is in. Perhaps a better description would be to give us an example (two ponies tall) and then telling us that is average would have been better, but again, this is a fanfic and thus you can get away with stuff like this. However, that doesn't mean you can use this trick of "you've seen the show, so you should know" as a crutch.
Jesus tap-dancing Christ on a boat in the middle of the Pacific with Betty White in a tutu, what the hell? We got dark really fast.
cloaked
Dragons take practically forever to grow up. I'm pretty sure they don't reach sexual maturity the same rate as bunnies do. I've got a feeling Crystal can be quite the procrastinator.
This is something you did in the previous chapters as well: Your descriptions are bland and dull. I'm not saying your character designs are bad, but they way you describe them is less than exciting.
For example, the line in purple could be written like this:
The azure blues, blacks and whites in her mane mixed together as her mane whipped in the wind.
This is more of a pet peeve of mine, but being smashed against things, such as boulders, and have the boulder cracking in half but the character remain alright really just makes me reach for the nearest breakable object. I blame DBZ and every Shounen anime after it for this horrible trope (if it isn't a trope, it deserves to be one now). Physics just don't work that way, and flesh, no matter how toned, won't stand up against rock. If you could at least give a reason as to why this OC can withstand being smashed against a rock so hard said rocks splits in half, I'd me less inclined to smash any nearby porcelain decorations.
And it's not just the physics, but relativity that ticks me off. No where in MLP can you find ponies who can be smashed into rocks and walk away unharmed. The fight with Tirek is not proof otherwise. Tirek stole a whole population's worth of magic and Twilight had four alicorns' worth of magic in her body.
Oh DBZ, I love you, but your influence has screwed up so many things that came after you.
Wrong kind of "Awe." "Awe" is
You are thinking of "Aw" or "Awww"
Also, unnecessary capitalization.
5981311
While I'm not a fan of these kind of reviews that try to imitate Yahtzee (because of sometimes poor analogies that end up screwing up the message they're trying to convey), and I don't completely agree with his review, he does bring up a point that I agree with.
Your OC's feel unreasonably overpowered. I really don't feel any suspense in the fight, and I was actually rooting for the dragons to get away, but I was actually very disheartened when they lost. I just didn't like these OC's. They seemed needlessly cruel, and if I may, overpowered.
They're not Mary-Sues in the slightest, but their power and lack of reason to like them really just made this chapter a drag for me. If they turn out to be the antagonists of the story, then my problems with these characters will be fewer. If you wanting me to be sympathetic with these characters, you've shot yourself in the foot. They have currently not done anything redeeming and came off as psychopathic killers, and not the enjoyable kind.
One thing you really did that I like a lot and will consider using in my own fic is what you did with Crystal's dialogue. Turning it to a sickly purple really helped give it an ooze of dread, even if it wasn't intentional.
Keep working on your craft and read a lot of books on writing. I highly suggest you get "How Not To Write A Novel." It covers a lot of the problems I see in your writing.