First of all: Magic hats to all the pony! Looking for somthing you have lost? Use hat*
And boy... before i read your story i was all over the idea of getting a pipbuck at some point. Now
And boy do you have a good sense of humor. I din't think that the skill checks would work, because it trows one out of the history, but it is worth a lot of good laughs.
And third. It´s fist time i see a pony whose barndoor swings both ways. And I surprisingly liked it rather much
"Her horn began to glow and Hurdles breathing slowed as she numbed wound." shouldn't there be a the between numbed and wound?
"Each wagon had a two to four pony team to pull it and four guards, there would also be three doctors and on merchant" Missing an e in your one merchant
*Note not all hats can help you. Hats do´t let you see invisible things and make you .20% cooler
Hey, you know what? You really improved the pacing here. The whole chapter is written so that you get to read it easily, without getting stuck anywhere. However, and this is only my opinion, I would have given a bit more information about the Watchers, the Remnant and so on. Maybe some quick ideas that help the reader link to the original Fallout equivalent, if there is one.
...And yes, he took the 'love' part a bit too literally.
So... he has sex with his foal sitter? That's nice. Really really... nice. If you know what I mean.
You got some good pacing there, as already stated by S3rb4n's comment.
Although, I did find quite a few grammatical, punctual, and spelling errors. Just one example of this is: "I lead her to the nearest ally..." I suppose that's supposed to be 'alley'.
When I first saw the title of the chapter, I was thinking, "Baggage? Hmph, what baggage?" Aaaaand then I read the chapter. Ooh. Yikes.
I don't know if you intended it this way, but Lucky falling for Nurse Gray seemed pretty awkward at first before they, ah, did it. Afterward though, it started feeling a lot more natural. I'm unaware if this was your exact intention. I'll assume it was because in any case, it works out quite nicely. It sure was as hell unexpected though. Then again, so was how Lucky lost his virginity in the prologue. This springing relationship was the centerpiece of this chapter, and it definitely had repercussions that I feel you brought out quite nicely. Again, your dialogue makes your story come alive. Aloe's and Hurdle's reactions to Lucky and Nurse Gray make sense. They were confusing at first until we learn the context behind it. That's something I feel you did a great job with.
Yet again, though, there's that deal with detail. You did better with describing the Watcher compound and the crowding around the mess hall when the caravan list came up, which is good. There was little else, however. It's a simple environment, sure, but there's plenty of people about. What are they doing? What's the situation like? If anything, I'd like to see more of what you did with the crowd around the list. Perhaps you improve later on, though, and I'll read on first before I jump to conclusions.
That said, another noteworthy thing I want to praise you on is your characterization of Lucky in particular. A lot of his thoughts and actions contribute to building the reader's sense of who he is as a character, from his relaxed, lazy attitude to his snide jabs at Hurdle. Props to you for that.
I'll be reading more shortly. You're doing good so far. Adder1
Well I gave this a read. And I was very entertained.
You really bring Lucky to life in this chapter, making us feel connected to the character. You note his disgust/frustration with addicts and frequent visitors to the Watchers. You note how he feels like they'll never do any real significant good if things stay as they are. You also note on how he cannot go above the cloudline and how the Enclave Remnant has a strict flight restriction on Griffins and Pegasi so as to avoid attracting the Enclave's attention.
Dise is also brought to life in this chapter, empty buildings ready to collapse against the flashy and glitzy Casino's that litter the strip. All in all I feel this was a very strong chapter, building on Lucky's childhood experiences and showing they have affected him, but not made him some silent and brooding bastard. In short Lucky feels believable and alive in the first chapter, which is what a good first chapter should do, establish a connection between the reader and protagonist.
I enjoyed Lucky's relationship with his friends, also lol at being a lightweight, I'm a lightweight and I can still handle more alcohol XD.
1644139 Thank you. I'm glad to finally get input on the revised chapter. You just made my day. However, the next chapter is under HEAVY revision... So... Idk... Keep that in mind if you read it before it gets updated or something.
Alright, so I started reading this, even knowing it was semi-inspired by Heroes, which doesn't hold my attention. But you're writing is really good. The description of Dise especially reminds me of some of the seedier parts of Las Vegas (the real city, not FO:NV).
3455671 Thanks! I'm glad you are enjoying it so far.
That's too bad about Heroes. I'll admit that I didn't really get into it until chapter four or five, but once Hired Gun actually got to Dise and politics got involved, I was hooked... but then I'm a sucker for a good political drama .
First of all: Magic hats to all the pony! Looking for somthing you have lost? Use hat*
And boy... before i read your story i was all over the idea of getting a pipbuck at some point.
Now
And boy do you have a good sense of humor. I din't think that the skill checks would work, because it trows one out of the history, but it is worth a lot of good laughs.
And third. It´s fist time i see a pony whose barndoor swings both ways. And I surprisingly liked it rather much
"Her horn began to glow and Hurdles breathing slowed as she numbed wound."
shouldn't there be a the between numbed and wound?
"Each wagon had a two to four pony team to pull it and four guards, there would also be three doctors and on merchant"
Missing an e in your one merchant
*Note not all hats can help you. Hats do´t let you see invisible things and make you .20% cooler
Hey, you know what? You really improved the pacing here. The whole chapter is written so that you get to read it easily, without getting stuck anywhere. However, and this is only my opinion, I would have given a bit more information about the Watchers, the Remnant and so on. Maybe some quick ideas that help the reader link to the original Fallout equivalent, if there is one.
...And yes, he took the 'love' part a bit too literally.
So... he has sex with his foal sitter? That's nice. Really really... nice. If you know what I mean.
You got some good pacing there, as already stated by S3rb4n's comment.
Although, I did find quite a few grammatical, punctual, and spelling errors.
Just one example of this is: "I lead her to the nearest ally..." I suppose that's supposed to be 'alley'.
Still, nice chapter you got here!
Alright, let's get right to it.
When I first saw the title of the chapter, I was thinking, "Baggage? Hmph, what baggage?" Aaaaand then I read the chapter. Ooh. Yikes.
I don't know if you intended it this way, but Lucky falling for Nurse Gray seemed pretty awkward at first before they, ah, did it. Afterward though, it started feeling a lot more natural. I'm unaware if this was your exact intention. I'll assume it was because in any case, it works out quite nicely. It sure was as hell unexpected though. Then again, so was how Lucky lost his virginity in the prologue. This springing relationship was the centerpiece of this chapter, and it definitely had repercussions that I feel you brought out quite nicely. Again, your dialogue makes your story come alive. Aloe's and Hurdle's reactions to Lucky and Nurse Gray make sense. They were confusing at first until we learn the context behind it. That's something I feel you did a great job with.
Yet again, though, there's that deal with detail. You did better with describing the Watcher compound and the crowding around the mess hall when the caravan list came up, which is good. There was little else, however. It's a simple environment, sure, but there's plenty of people about. What are they doing? What's the situation like? If anything, I'd like to see more of what you did with the crowd around the list. Perhaps you improve later on, though, and I'll read on first before I jump to conclusions.
That said, another noteworthy thing I want to praise you on is your characterization of Lucky in particular. A lot of his thoughts and actions contribute to building the reader's sense of who he is as a character, from his relaxed, lazy attitude to his snide jabs at Hurdle. Props to you for that.
I'll be reading more shortly. You're doing good so far.
Adder1
Well I gave this a read. And I was very entertained.
You really bring Lucky to life in this chapter, making us feel connected to the character. You note his disgust/frustration with addicts and frequent visitors to the Watchers. You note how he feels like they'll never do any real significant good if things stay as they are. You also note on how he cannot go above the cloudline and how the Enclave Remnant has a strict flight restriction on Griffins and Pegasi so as to avoid attracting the Enclave's attention.
Dise is also brought to life in this chapter, empty buildings ready to collapse against the flashy and glitzy Casino's that litter the strip. All in all I feel this was a very strong chapter, building on Lucky's childhood experiences and showing they have affected him, but not made him some silent and brooding bastard. In short Lucky feels believable and alive in the first chapter, which is what a good first chapter should do, establish a connection between the reader and protagonist.
I enjoyed Lucky's relationship with his friends, also lol at being a lightweight, I'm a lightweight and I can still handle more alcohol XD.
1644139
Thank you. I'm glad to finally get input on the revised chapter.
You just made my day.
However, the next chapter is under HEAVY revision... So... Idk... Keep that in mind if you read it before it gets updated or something.
Cheers to this awesome chapter!
Alright, so I started reading this, even knowing it was semi-inspired by Heroes, which doesn't hold my attention. But you're writing is really good. The description of Dise especially reminds me of some of the seedier parts of Las Vegas (the real city, not FO:NV).
3455671
Thanks! I'm glad you are enjoying it so far.
That's too bad about Heroes. I'll admit that I didn't really get into it until chapter four or five, but once Hired Gun actually got to Dise and politics got involved, I was hooked... but then I'm a sucker for a good political drama .
Pinions.
I spent a minute trying to find the first quotation marks before realizing that it started before the line.
I stopped looking for errors after that. It is really good so far, and I am happy with the way you presented the pipbuck.