581001 Thanks. I was actually serious and i had trouble searching users on the site and he sounded quite big (hence the Derpy face, because I felt like i had been oblivious to some popular story or something).
As for the actual story, it's just my personal taste but I think it's a bit too slow in some parts (and some block of texts_. There are a few grammar mistakes but I don't really mind them. Following tho
I appreciate the input. As for the grammar mistakes, feel free to point them out. Either I didn't realize I made a mistake or I don't know it is wrong and if no one points out my mistakes I won't do better next time. I can't promise that there won't be lots of boring slow parts, but I will try and keep things interesting.
582771 You don't have to change your writing style (pacing). I mean, I'm use to writing and reading quick flowing stories that puts emphasis on dialogue and overall story than descriptive story telling that creates an atmosphere and makes you appreciate the small details in the world. But that doesn't mean that I should not read these types of stories. It is a nice break from my usual preferences after all
Also, maybe it would be a good idea if you wrote more than one chapter when submitting the story to the public. I'm supposing this is a long story and it would be more easier for readers (and better for people to review) to follow if you wrote more chapters initially.
PS Oh, what's the meaning behind the title of the story. In fact, I actually have that title in my storyboard as one of many other possible names for a future fanfic. I think the name "Rolling Bones" is just a cool name
583089 See, I would love to put more emphasis on dialouge, but I think I suck at it... So I don't.
I'll keep that in mind if I decide to write another new fic.
Honestly, yes, Rolling Bones is an awesome name. But I settled on it for a number of reasons. It is a play on the turn "Roll them bones" in dice games, it was an alternate name for the main character (a possible alias at this point), and it's a little foreshadowing.
That's okay. I work better when I am angry. Down votes just add fuel to my fire. Of course Up votes do the same... Really I am just an attention whore. Mo' Votes Mo' Better
Hey there! I'm giving my opinion here per request of doomande, who's kindly pre-reading my fic. I won't go deep into grammar issues unless they're too blatant, since I'm no native English speaker, and therefore, not the best to give advice.
Reading the prologue, I want to tell you I really liked the first part. You do transmit the sadness of the day Lucky's mother is killed. Also, the description you gave of Dise is very strong, very powerful. I can picture what you tell very clearly, so well done.
Maybe the way things unfold is a bit clunky, and let me explain. The pace of the story is sometimes very slow, and immediately changes to being very fast. It's just the feeling I had as a reader, don't take it too seriously. And it's good you added a pegasus character. Makes it different.
Hello there, Honey Mead. I received a message from your pre-reader Doomande (you really should thank him for the signal boost, as I see I'm not the only one here as a result of it) in which he recommended your story. He explained that he felt you weren't getting attention you deserve, and it struck a chord with me. Things started off very, very slow when I first started off. So... I was willing to entertain that recommendation.
And a few hours of reading the prologue during slow moments of lectures... I think I like what I see.
Let's start off on what I found most effective in this first impression. That first scene with the younger Lucky was very well-written I feel. It might not have had a whole bunch of detail, but where I feel you score- and don't discredit yourself like I've already seen you do in previous replies- is dialogue. Your writing comes most alive during the dialogue between characters, and this can be said for the rest of the prologue. It may just be my way of picturing the scenes, but your characters really come out during the times they actually speak to one another. Colt Lucky sounded like a colt. Lucky's mom sounded like a worried mother with skeletons in the closet. Even the brief exchanges upon the ponies who investigated their Lucky's mom following her death gave off a feeling of shock and worry. We don't really see these ponies, but yet those few words serve to characterize them. Your manner, from what I've seen so far at least, is succinct and effective. We get a good picture of who these characters are with their words and your brief description of how they talk. Hell, Tracker has his own manner of speaking in the same vein as Calamity from the original FoE.
In short, dialogue- great so far, looking forward to it.
Detail, however, was a little lacking in some parts. You bring your characters alive, yes, but what of the world around them? There's not much indication of where Lucky and his mother were living before he was adopted by the Watchers. Only then do we learn of Dise. For that matter, the Watchers are not fully explained. We can only assume they are a bunch of doctors struggling with supplies- not fully know that they are. Now, No One may have created the city itself, but the reader must have prerequisite knowledge of it in order to fully appreciate what you've written. The prologue could have been so much stronger if you described the city a little more. Your characters are full of life. The locations... not so much. I want to see- your readers want to see your interpretation of Dise. It might not be your concept, but it can be your vision.
An exception- Lucky's characterization of the casinos. That, I felt, was good. I want to build on it. I don't know if you're entirely aware of this, but since we're viewing this story through Lucky's perspective, you created something known as a "biased narrative". This comes to great effect when Lucky describes the casinos and his distaste for them. We don't get an author's description for them. We get Lucky's. We don't just know that casinos in Dise are cesspools of the cardinal sins. We know Lucky hates them for that and the vicious cycle they create.
Lastly, your grammar. Really, it's pretty much fine. I only saw some comma splices in your normal writing. But in dialogue, you have some issues. Given that I feel that dialogue is your shining point, I really wish to help you with this. I can suggest looking up dialogue grammar rules, but mainly it's just a matter of capitalization. If your character's starting to speak a sentence, capitalize it. If you're leading to it with a descriptor, you should still capitalize it.
Example of what I saw: She whispered softly, “still got a little hangover?”
It should be: She whispered softly, “Still got a little hangover?”
That's mainly it. Otherwise, you're solid.
Storywise, I can't comment much since this is just the introductory prologue. Lucky already has a distinct set of motivations and opinions- namely his safekeeping of his most cherished possession and gift from his mother (and a Ministry Mare Statuette no less!) and his heavily Watcher-biased view of others and Dise (sin sin sin everywhere). This is just the introduction, yet you've given us a good impression of just who Lucky is.
In short, don't kid yourself. It may just be my opinion, but I think dialogue is where your story impresses the most. Keep it up.
Well hot damn. My reviews are usually quite meaty, but they aren't normally around this long depending on content. Hope that doesn't bother you. ^^;
I'll be keeping tabs on this story and reading further. But I've done a lot of talking. I think now's the time you do it. I'd like to know more about you. What's your history with writing? Is this your first story? Or do you have experience beforehand?
EDIT: Derp. I coulda just looked at your user page. @_@
This Review is brought to you by the group Authors helping Authors (your pre-reader sent me here)
Name: FoE: Rolling Bones
Grammar: 9.5/10 (Highest I give, always room for improvement)
Pros: Good pacing/ flow Like your character, very well thought out and good development
Cons: Can't think of any you did a great job with prologue
Notes: I've never read a FoE: story before and I must say this is pretty good, I'll get to your other chapters when I can, and post another AHA review when I hit the end, that will have more of my thoughts on the story.
Hope you liked your review please don't forget to review my story Guardian of the Hearthfire
Can you tell me a story by No One. I cant seem to find him on the search engine and I've head good things about him
580538
I really don't know if you are being a troll or not, so here is a link to Fallout Equestria: Heroes by No One
cant wait for the next chapter!
581001 Thanks. I was actually serious and i had trouble searching users on the site and he sounded quite big (hence the Derpy face, because I felt like i had been oblivious to some popular story or something).
As for the actual story, it's just my personal taste but I think it's a bit too slow in some parts (and some block of texts_. There are a few grammar mistakes but I don't really mind them. Following tho
582716
I appreciate the input. As for the grammar mistakes, feel free to point them out. Either I didn't realize I made a mistake or I don't know it is wrong and if no one points out my mistakes I won't do better next time. I can't promise that there won't be lots of boring slow parts, but I will try and keep things interesting.
Thanks for reading.
582771 You don't have to change your writing style (pacing). I mean, I'm use to writing and reading quick flowing stories that puts emphasis on dialogue and overall story than descriptive story telling that creates an atmosphere and makes you appreciate the small details in the world. But that doesn't mean that I should not read these types of stories. It is a nice break from my usual preferences after all
Also, maybe it would be a good idea if you wrote more than one chapter when submitting the story to the public. I'm supposing this is a long story and it would be more easier for readers (and better for people to review) to follow if you wrote more chapters initially.
PS Oh, what's the meaning behind the title of the story. In fact, I actually have that title in my storyboard as one of many other possible names for a future fanfic. I think the name "Rolling Bones" is just a cool name
583089
See, I would love to put more emphasis on dialouge, but I think I suck at it... So I don't.
I'll keep that in mind if I decide to write another new fic.
Honestly, yes, Rolling Bones is an awesome name. But I settled on it for a number of reasons. It is a play on the turn "Roll them bones" in dice games, it was an alternate name for the main character (a possible alias at this point), and it's a little foreshadowing.
584148
That's okay. I work better when I am angry. Down votes just add fuel to my fire. Of course Up votes do the same... Really I am just an attention whore.
Mo' Votes Mo' Better
I like ... I like... You have good characters and an interesting story line. I'm definitely following this.
Still need to go over your story, but I must put in a word to that crackin' good name.
I'm going to need to finish this when I get back from school later, but, damn, it's looking good!
Just a few grammatical errors and punctuation mishaps is all I can find. I'll give you a sample or two:
"Nothings wrong love." - Nothing's wrong, love.
"I looked at her funny, who?" - I looked at her funny. Who?
Still, you have yourself a watch! And a like... and a fav...
Hey there! I'm giving my opinion here per request of doomande, who's kindly pre-reading my fic. I won't go deep into grammar issues unless they're too blatant, since I'm no native English speaker, and therefore, not the best to give advice.
Reading the prologue, I want to tell you I really liked the first part. You do transmit the sadness of the day Lucky's mother is killed. Also, the description you gave of Dise is very strong, very powerful. I can picture what you tell very clearly, so well done.
Maybe the way things unfold is a bit clunky, and let me explain. The pace of the story is sometimes very slow, and immediately changes to being very fast. It's just the feeling I had as a reader, don't take it too seriously. And it's good you added a pegasus character. Makes it different.
Hello there, Honey Mead. I received a message from your pre-reader Doomande (you really should thank him for the signal boost, as I see I'm not the only one here as a result of it) in which he recommended your story. He explained that he felt you weren't getting attention you deserve, and it struck a chord with me. Things started off very, very slow when I first started off. So... I was willing to entertain that recommendation.
And a few hours of reading the prologue during slow moments of lectures... I think I like what I see.
Let's start off on what I found most effective in this first impression. That first scene with the younger Lucky was very well-written I feel. It might not have had a whole bunch of detail, but where I feel you score- and don't discredit yourself like I've already seen you do in previous replies- is dialogue. Your writing comes most alive during the dialogue between characters, and this can be said for the rest of the prologue. It may just be my way of picturing the scenes, but your characters really come out during the times they actually speak to one another. Colt Lucky sounded like a colt. Lucky's mom sounded like a worried mother with skeletons in the closet. Even the brief exchanges upon the ponies who investigated their Lucky's mom following her death gave off a feeling of shock and worry. We don't really see these ponies, but yet those few words serve to characterize them. Your manner, from what I've seen so far at least, is succinct and effective. We get a good picture of who these characters are with their words and your brief description of how they talk. Hell, Tracker has his own manner of speaking in the same vein as Calamity from the original FoE.
In short, dialogue- great so far, looking forward to it.
Detail, however, was a little lacking in some parts. You bring your characters alive, yes, but what of the world around them? There's not much indication of where Lucky and his mother were living before he was adopted by the Watchers. Only then do we learn of Dise. For that matter, the Watchers are not fully explained. We can only assume they are a bunch of doctors struggling with supplies- not fully know that they are. Now, No One may have created the city itself, but the reader must have prerequisite knowledge of it in order to fully appreciate what you've written. The prologue could have been so much stronger if you described the city a little more. Your characters are full of life. The locations... not so much. I want to see- your readers want to see your interpretation of Dise. It might not be your concept, but it can be your vision.
An exception- Lucky's characterization of the casinos. That, I felt, was good. I want to build on it. I don't know if you're entirely aware of this, but since we're viewing this story through Lucky's perspective, you created something known as a "biased narrative". This comes to great effect when Lucky describes the casinos and his distaste for them. We don't get an author's description for them. We get Lucky's. We don't just know that casinos in Dise are cesspools of the cardinal sins. We know Lucky hates them for that and the vicious cycle they create.
Lastly, your grammar. Really, it's pretty much fine. I only saw some comma splices in your normal writing. But in dialogue, you have some issues. Given that I feel that dialogue is your shining point, I really wish to help you with this. I can suggest looking up dialogue grammar rules, but mainly it's just a matter of capitalization. If your character's starting to speak a sentence, capitalize it. If you're leading to it with a descriptor, you should still capitalize it.
Example of what I saw: She whispered softly, “still got a little hangover?”
It should be: She whispered softly, “Still got a little hangover?”
That's mainly it. Otherwise, you're solid.
Storywise, I can't comment much since this is just the introductory prologue. Lucky already has a distinct set of motivations and opinions- namely his safekeeping of his most cherished possession and gift from his mother (and a Ministry Mare Statuette no less!) and his heavily Watcher-biased view of others and Dise (sin sin sin everywhere). This is just the introduction, yet you've given us a good impression of just who Lucky is.
In short, don't kid yourself. It may just be my opinion, but I think dialogue is where your story impresses the most. Keep it up.
Well hot damn. My reviews are usually quite meaty, but they aren't normally around this long depending on content. Hope that doesn't bother you. ^^;
I'll be keeping tabs on this story and reading further. But I've done a lot of talking. I think now's the time you do it. I'd like to know more about you. What's your history with writing? Is this your first story? Or do you have experience beforehand?
EDIT: Derp. I coulda just looked at your user page. @_@
Will be back soon,
Adder1
im so sad now after reading the Prologue with the Theme music i made for it.
Dat feels during the prologue Oh and awesome start!!!!!
So I just read the prologue and I gotta say...I'm gonna be crying for awhile. I'll be reading chapter one soon and I look forward to its awesomeness.
This Review is brought to you by the group Authors helping Authors (your pre-reader sent me here)
Name: FoE: Rolling Bones
Grammar: 9.5/10 (Highest I give, always room for improvement)
Pros: Good pacing/ flow
Like your character, very well thought out and good development
Cons: Can't think of any you did a great job with prologue
Notes: I've never read a FoE: story before and I must say this is pretty good, I'll get to your other chapters when I can, and post another AHA review when I hit the end, that will have more of my thoughts on the story.
Hope you liked your review please don't forget to review my story Guardian of the Hearthfire
Beautiful really, but I found two errors.
Why had he left? or remove the comma, but that doesn't flow very well... Also.
EDIT: Oops... Mispelled roll somehow.
3490289
Thank you