• Member Since 1st Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

Honey Mead


"In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant.

Comments ( 44 )

Can you tell me a story by No One. I cant seem to find him on the search engine and I've head good things about him :derpytongue2:

580538
I really don't know if you are being a troll or not:trixieshiftright:, so here is a link to Fallout Equestria: Heroes by No One

cant wait for the next chapter!

581001 Thanks. I was actually serious and i had trouble searching users on the site and he sounded quite big (hence the Derpy face, because I felt like i had been oblivious to some popular story or something).

As for the actual story, it's just my personal taste but I think it's a bit too slow in some parts (and some block of texts_. There are a few grammar mistakes but I don't really mind them. Following tho

582716

I appreciate the input:twilightsmile:. As for the grammar mistakes, feel free to point them out. Either I didn't realize I made a mistake or I don't know it is wrong:derpytongue2: and if no one points out my mistakes I won't do better next time. I can't promise that there won't be lots of boring slow parts, but I will try and keep things interesting.

Thanks for reading.:pinkiehappy:

582771 You don't have to change your writing style (pacing). I mean, I'm use to writing and reading quick flowing stories that puts emphasis on dialogue and overall story than descriptive story telling that creates an atmosphere and makes you appreciate the small details in the world. But that doesn't mean that I should not read these types of stories. It is a nice break from my usual preferences after all :pinkiehappy:

Also, maybe it would be a good idea if you wrote more than one chapter when submitting the story to the public. I'm supposing this is a long story and it would be more easier for readers (and better for people to review) to follow if you wrote more chapters initially.

PS Oh, what's the meaning behind the title of the story. In fact, I actually have that title in my storyboard as one of many other possible names for a future fanfic. I think the name "Rolling Bones" is just a cool name

583089
See, I would love to put more emphasis on dialouge, but I think I suck at it... So I don't:pinkiesad2:.

I'll keep that in mind if I decide to write another new fic.

Honestly, yes, Rolling Bones is an awesome name. But I settled on it for a number of reasons. It is a play on the turn "Roll them bones" in dice games, it was an alternate name for the main character (a possible alias at this point), and it's a little foreshadowing.

Yay, No One will be proud :rainbowlaugh: And ignore downvoters scum, most of them downvote every FoE story what they see.

584148

That's okay. I work better when I am angry. Down votes just add fuel to my fire:rainbowdetermined2:. Of course Up votes do the same:pinkiehappy:... Really I am just an attention whore:duck:.
Mo' Votes Mo' Better:yay:

I like ... I like... You have good characters and an interesting story line. I'm definitely following this.

Still need to go over your story, but I must put in a word to that crackin' good name.

First of all: Magic hats to all the pony! Looking for somthing you have lost? Use hat*

And boy... before i read your story i was all over the idea of getting a pipbuck at some point.
Now :twilightoops:

And boy do you have a good sense of humor. I din't think that the skill checks would work, because it trows one out of the history, but it is worth a lot of good laughs. :rainbowlaugh:

And third. It´s fist time i see a pony whose barndoor swings both ways. And I surprisingly liked it rather much

"Her horn began to glow and Hurdles breathing slowed as she numbed wound."
shouldn't there be a the between numbed and wound?

"Each wagon had a two to four pony team to pull it and four guards, there would also be three doctors and on merchant"
Missing an e in your one merchant


*Note not all hats can help you. Hats do´t let you see invisible things and make you .20% cooler

I'm going to need to finish this when I get back from school later, but, damn, it's looking good!

Just a few grammatical errors and punctuation mishaps is all I can find. I'll give you a sample or two:

"Nothings wrong love." - Nothing's wrong, love.
"I looked at her funny, who?" - I looked at her funny. Who?

Still, you have yourself a watch! And a like... and a fav... :pinkiesmile:

Hey there! I'm giving my opinion here per request of doomande, who's kindly pre-reading my fic. I won't go deep into grammar issues unless they're too blatant, since I'm no native English speaker, and therefore, not the best to give advice.

Reading the prologue, I want to tell you I really liked the first part. You do transmit the sadness of the day Lucky's mother is killed. Also, the description you gave of Dise is very strong, very powerful. I can picture what you tell very clearly, so well done.

Maybe the way things unfold is a bit clunky, and let me explain. The pace of the story is sometimes very slow, and immediately changes to being very fast. It's just the feeling I had as a reader, don't take it too seriously. And it's good you added a pegasus character. Makes it different.

Hey, you know what? You really improved the pacing here. The whole chapter is written so that you get to read it easily, without getting stuck anywhere. However, and this is only my opinion, I would have given a bit more information about the Watchers, the Remnant and so on. Maybe some quick ideas that help the reader link to the original Fallout equivalent, if there is one.

...And yes, he took the 'love' part a bit too literally.

Hello there, Honey Mead. I received a message from your pre-reader Doomande (you really should thank him for the signal boost, as I see I'm not the only one here as a result of it) in which he recommended your story. He explained that he felt you weren't getting attention you deserve, and it struck a chord with me. Things started off very, very slow when I first started off. So... I was willing to entertain that recommendation.

And a few hours of reading the prologue during slow moments of lectures... I think I like what I see.

Let's start off on what I found most effective in this first impression. That first scene with the younger Lucky was very well-written I feel. It might not have had a whole bunch of detail, but where I feel you score- and don't discredit yourself like I've already seen you do in previous replies- is dialogue. Your writing comes most alive during the dialogue between characters, and this can be said for the rest of the prologue. It may just be my way of picturing the scenes, but your characters really come out during the times they actually speak to one another. Colt Lucky sounded like a colt. Lucky's mom sounded like a worried mother with skeletons in the closet. Even the brief exchanges upon the ponies who investigated their Lucky's mom following her death gave off a feeling of shock and worry. We don't really see these ponies, but yet those few words serve to characterize them. Your manner, from what I've seen so far at least, is succinct and effective. We get a good picture of who these characters are with their words and your brief description of how they talk. Hell, Tracker has his own manner of speaking in the same vein as Calamity from the original FoE.

In short, dialogue- great so far, looking forward to it.

Detail, however, was a little lacking in some parts. You bring your characters alive, yes, but what of the world around them? There's not much indication of where Lucky and his mother were living before he was adopted by the Watchers. Only then do we learn of Dise. For that matter, the Watchers are not fully explained. We can only assume they are a bunch of doctors struggling with supplies- not fully know that they are. Now, No One may have created the city itself, but the reader must have prerequisite knowledge of it in order to fully appreciate what you've written. The prologue could have been so much stronger if you described the city a little more. Your characters are full of life. The locations... not so much. I want to see- your readers want to see your interpretation of Dise. It might not be your concept, but it can be your vision.

An exception- Lucky's characterization of the casinos. That, I felt, was good. I want to build on it. I don't know if you're entirely aware of this, but since we're viewing this story through Lucky's perspective, you created something known as a "biased narrative". This comes to great effect when Lucky describes the casinos and his distaste for them. We don't get an author's description for them. We get Lucky's. We don't just know that casinos in Dise are cesspools of the cardinal sins. We know Lucky hates them for that and the vicious cycle they create.

Lastly, your grammar. Really, it's pretty much fine. I only saw some comma splices in your normal writing. But in dialogue, you have some issues. Given that I feel that dialogue is your shining point, I really wish to help you with this. I can suggest looking up dialogue grammar rules, but mainly it's just a matter of capitalization. If your character's starting to speak a sentence, capitalize it. If you're leading to it with a descriptor, you should still capitalize it.

Example of what I saw: She whispered softly, “still got a little hangover?”

It should be: She whispered softly, “Still got a little hangover?”

That's mainly it. Otherwise, you're solid.

Storywise, I can't comment much since this is just the introductory prologue. Lucky already has a distinct set of motivations and opinions- namely his safekeeping of his most cherished possession and gift from his mother (and a Ministry Mare Statuette no less!) and his heavily Watcher-biased view of others and Dise (sin sin sin everywhere). This is just the introduction, yet you've given us a good impression of just who Lucky is.

In short, don't kid yourself. It may just be my opinion, but I think dialogue is where your story impresses the most. Keep it up.

Well hot damn. My reviews are usually quite meaty, but they aren't normally around this long depending on content. Hope that doesn't bother you. ^^;

I'll be keeping tabs on this story and reading further. But I've done a lot of talking. I think now's the time you do it. I'd like to know more about you. What's your history with writing? Is this your first story? Or do you have experience beforehand?

EDIT: Derp. I coulda just looked at your user page. @_@

Will be back soon,
Adder1

So... he has sex with his foal sitter? That's nice. Really really... nice. If you know what I mean. :ajsmug:

You got some good pacing there, as already stated by S3rb4n's comment.

Although, I did find quite a few grammatical, punctual, and spelling errors.
Just one example of this is: "I lead her to the nearest ally..." I suppose that's supposed to be 'alley'.

Still, nice chapter you got here!:pinkiehappy:

Alright, let's get right to it.

When I first saw the title of the chapter, I was thinking, "Baggage? Hmph, what baggage?" Aaaaand then I read the chapter. Ooh. Yikes.

I don't know if you intended it this way, but Lucky falling for Nurse Gray seemed pretty awkward at first before they, ah, did it. Afterward though, it started feeling a lot more natural. I'm unaware if this was your exact intention. I'll assume it was because in any case, it works out quite nicely. It sure was as hell unexpected though. Then again, so was how Lucky lost his virginity in the prologue. This springing relationship was the centerpiece of this chapter, and it definitely had repercussions that I feel you brought out quite nicely. Again, your dialogue makes your story come alive. Aloe's and Hurdle's reactions to Lucky and Nurse Gray make sense. They were confusing at first until we learn the context behind it. That's something I feel you did a great job with.

Yet again, though, there's that deal with detail. You did better with describing the Watcher compound and the crowding around the mess hall when the caravan list came up, which is good. There was little else, however. It's a simple environment, sure, but there's plenty of people about. What are they doing? What's the situation like? If anything, I'd like to see more of what you did with the crowd around the list. Perhaps you improve later on, though, and I'll read on first before I jump to conclusions.

That said, another noteworthy thing I want to praise you on is your characterization of Lucky in particular. A lot of his thoughts and actions contribute to building the reader's sense of who he is as a character, from his relaxed, lazy attitude to his snide jabs at Hurdle. Props to you for that.

I'll be reading more shortly. You're doing good so far.
Adder1

Well I gave this a read. And I was very entertained.

You really bring Lucky to life in this chapter, making us feel connected to the character. You note his disgust/frustration with addicts and frequent visitors to the Watchers. You note how he feels like they'll never do any real significant good if things stay as they are. You also note on how he cannot go above the cloudline and how the Enclave Remnant has a strict flight restriction on Griffins and Pegasi so as to avoid attracting the Enclave's attention.

Dise is also brought to life in this chapter, empty buildings ready to collapse against the flashy and glitzy Casino's that litter the strip. All in all I feel this was a very strong chapter, building on Lucky's childhood experiences and showing they have affected him, but not made him some silent and brooding bastard. In short Lucky feels believable and alive in the first chapter, which is what a good first chapter should do, establish a connection between the reader and protagonist.

I enjoyed Lucky's relationship with his friends, also lol at being a lightweight, I'm a lightweight and I can still handle more alcohol XD.

1644139
Thank you. I'm glad to finally get input on the revised chapter.
You just made my day. :raritystarry:
However, the next chapter is under HEAVY revision... So... Idk... Keep that in mind if you read it before it gets updated or something.:derpyderp1:

im so sad now after reading the Prologue with the Theme music i made for it.:raritycry:

Dat feels during the prologue :raritycry: Oh and awesome start!!!!!

Cheers to this awesome chapter! :twilightsmile:

So I just read the prologue and I gotta say...I'm gonna be crying for awhile.:raritycry: I'll be reading chapter one soon and I look forward to its awesomeness.:rainbowdetermined2:

This Review is brought to you by the group Authors helping Authors (your pre-reader sent me here)

Name: FoE: Rolling Bones

Grammar: 9.5/10 (Highest I give, always room for improvement)

Pros: Good pacing/ flow
Like your character, very well thought out and good development

Cons: Can't think of any you did a great job with prologue

Notes: I've never read a FoE: story before and I must say this is pretty good, I'll get to your other chapters when I can, and post another AHA review when I hit the end, that will have more of my thoughts on the story.

Hope you liked your review please don't forget to review my story Guardian of the Hearthfire

Gna ha ha! Evil laughter as I steal this first comment before any of the real readers. Being the evil pre-reader that I am:trixieshiftright:

2856414
It's not fair! :pinkiesad2: Give yourself warning doomy! :rainbowwild:

Nice little intro here with a new take on why war never changes.

... and that's all I got. Huh. Normally I'm more long-winded than this. :\

Alright, so I started reading this, even knowing it was semi-inspired by Heroes, which doesn't hold my attention. But you're writing is really good. The description of Dise especially reminds me of some of the seedier parts of Las Vegas (the real city, not FO:NV).

3455671
Thanks! I'm glad you are enjoying it so far.

That's too bad about Heroes. I'll admit that I didn't really get into it until chapter four or five, but once Hired Gun actually got to Dise and politics got involved, I was hooked... but then I'm a sucker for a good political drama :pinkiecrazy:.

... Rainbow? Rainbow, was that you? :rainbowdetermined2:

3488181
If you are referring to the ambiguous 'her' in the intro I will tell you that it is not RD.

Beautiful really, but I found two errors.

I didn’t understand, why he had left?

Why had he left? or remove the comma, but that doesn't flow very well... Also.

"Do a barrel roll"

EDIT: Oops... Mispelled roll somehow.

my pinios

Pinions.

and pulled out a healing potion. “

I’m giving you this,” I said, displaying the bottle

I spent a minute trying to find the first quotation marks before realizing that it started before the line.

I stopped looking for errors after that. It is really good so far, and I am happy with the way you presented the pipbuck.

Hmm. Well, this reboot seems to be going well. Not for Lucky, of course, but that's hardly a change from the original.

In any case, looking forward to more.

4203439
Thanks!:twilightsmile:
I hope there's enough new stuff to make it worthwhile for everyone who read it pre-changes.

This sounded interesting, but the cover art just tied it all together.
*sees Mature rating and Sex tag*
*gives a doubtful look, then remembers that he almost wrote clop*
*starts reading*

Well now this is interesting. The chapter isn't as good as the rest, but it is still good enough for us. Just remember that we love you no matter what. :twilightsmile:
...
Hmm didn't mean for that to come out so creepy. Oh well!:pinkiesmile:

Well, Intresting enough ! :pinkiehappy:
I hope this new version will be better. I was happy with old version though..:ajsmug:

Ember appears in this story, right? If so, then when does she appear? (in case you've forgotten, she's from your entry to The ABC's of Fallout: Equestria)

6841796
She would have, eventually, if I hadn't cancelled this story over a year ago.

Too bad another Fo:E story bit the dust, about two years ago as well! Damn I just found it.

Login or register to comment