What is it about broken people that is so intriguing? Is it the way in which their lives are presently shattered, or is it the curiosity of what could have possibly broken them in this way that captures our attention so fully? Whatever the case, this story is about one such broken pony. Once a student of Princess Celestia, member of the honorary Royal Family, and head of a para-scientific organization, this pony now spends his days roaming the halls of his family's estate in Northern Equestria, banished from Canterlot for endangering the entire world. Months of monotony are one day broken by his saving of a down on her luck showmare, and from there an interesting history unfolds: a history involving a student's faith in their teacher being shattered, Changelings, the origins of Princess Cadence, and what was once the inevitable end of the world, courtesy of the fabled Mare in the Moon.
This work acts as a life story to an anti-villain original character featured in A Journey Unthought Of and A Journey Unthought Of: Revival of Chaos
Hello everyone! It's been six long months, but I'm finally back with another story.
I feel like most of the other important stuff's been said already up above, so here's letting everyone know: I'll be updating this every two weeks with a new chapter, probably on Sundays. Once I get this thing fully written to my satisfaction the updates may speed up, but that's going to be a while off. I want this to be my best story yet!
For now, please enjoy!
ZOMG Doges!
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Such Doge, much violence, two ponies, wowe!
"Diamond Dogs are easily startled, but they'll soon be back, and in greater numbers"
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Sadly there are no magical swords, roguish smugglers, or thousand year avians in this story. There are, however, princesses with ties to strange old men.
...Boy, that didn't come out how I intended it to!
Sorry this one was a little late everyone! Updating sort of slipped my mind last night, so have a happy Monday read instead!
Principled Acu-man
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Not everypony can have the cute names.
Teleportation is not even a little interesting when compared to an ELEVATOR!!!!!!!!1
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Teleportation? Pbbt. Easy. Happens everyday. You get desensitized to the magic of...well, the magic. But a tiny box that can travel hundreds of feet up and down at the press of a button?! That is true sorcery!
According to your chapter, teleportation is
liveforfilms.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/gravity-gun.jpg
So there.
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I wish I had a gravity gun stuck to my head. That would be cooooooool.
He didn't know it, but Bunsen Burner was sterile after the teleporter incident.
Also: I like your "paper mountain" metaphor. Itz gud riting.
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That reminds me of the X-ray flashlight device from that one episode of Futurama. "Ow! My sperm!"
The paper mountain was definitely inspired by real events at my summer job. Data entry is a tedious task; not for the faint of heart.
And so Principled Acumen fired all members of the RSD, except Bunsen Burner.
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Now just because he's the golden boy doesn't mean he gets special treatment.
She'll only fire half the staff.
So does that mean Bunsen is going to sneak into Trixie's room while she's sleeping like Cato in The Pink Panther?
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Wooh, that comment had me worried at the start! Sneaking into ponies' rooms while they're sleeping...'shudder'
Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't, I'm not sure at the moment.
Unicorn horns are useless.
But they're so lovely, and you can do many things with them. Just as Twilight; she can't stop herself from touching it in public!
iambrony.dget.cc/mlp/gif/54031___safe_twilight-sparkle_animated_hornjob_spa_bridle-gossip_artist-hornclopplz.gif
A rather gruesome end for Bruco
Of course, going both off of Bruco's own words and Canterlot Wedding, the average Changeling isn't anywhere near as powerful as Bruco was, but then, Bunsen Burner can hardly trust her words either.
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It was a pretty nasty way to go, that's for sure. You're absolutely right: Bruco, as a Royal Candidate, is more intelligent and deadly than the average Changeling. She and her immediate sisters are much like miniature Queens, and each wants the opportunity to take Chrysalis' place, their eldest sister. It will be a while before Bunsen will know for certain what measure of Bruco's words were true, and how best to defeat the Changelings.
While not focusing much on Bunsen this chapter, the detour to mentoring Trixie is enjoyable. Given her two-episode arc, I've always figured any story focusing on mentoring Trixie always needs to do more than just have her get over her past or make up with Twilight Sparkle, but actually go deeper than that and improve her as a pony, period, before trusting to teach her magic. Bunsen Burner tries teaching magic first, but to his credit, stops it once he realises how broken she is and instead tries to help fix her first. That he has the capacity of a wise mentor able to do this and also teach magic in spite of being an Earth Pony isn't all that surprising given his backstory so far. Of course, the fanon we've made out of Trixie has her as supremely capable of 'Getting Back on her Hooves' as it were, so it should be no surprise she does that, if a little quick.
You do need to do a little bit of editing work, though. For example, the last line of the first paragraph
The word 'That' as the fourth last word shouldn't be capitalised.
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I felt that although the main character is of course Bunsen Burner, Trixie needs her own arc in this story beyond being a means of moving the narrative forward. The mare that we saw at the end of Boast Busters was one full of potential for both good and bad. When the events in our lives conspire against us it's easy to lash out at those we think ultimately responsible, especially if deep down we're trying to avoid the fact the trials we face could be of our own making. If the roles of main and supporting character had been switched, the internal dilemma Trixie faces would indeed have taken longer, and been fleshed out far more. Even so, this mare now has a foundation on which can be build a better pony, one who can learn to empathize and care for others rather than being stuck within a two-dimensional stage personality.
The chapter is also helpful I think in being a breathing point between two negatively charged emotional parts of the story: the first obviously being Bunsen's exposure to the Changeling Hive and its impact on him, as well as the years after, when tragedies will strike him and those he cares about.
Thank you so much for the thorough analysis! It's passionate readers like you that drive authors forward. Your interest and desire to see more are inspirational to me, and I hope that coming chapters will be to your liking!
An interesting piece of worldbuilding, and I clued in to who the filly in the picture was as soon as Trixie observed the colour scheme. The bit at the end makes me wonder just how old the Archsorceress really is. I notice you don't really delve into what Cadance's symptoms of leukemia are asides from general weakness, though I can't say with certainty whether the normal signs are the same for equines as they are for humans.
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I'm glad you liked it! Since Saddle Arabia hasn't really been touched apart from a few referential segments after its introduction, it was fun to begin constructing a whole new world. The Archsorceress is much more than she seems, and she is very old. Though it's more obvious with how I presented Cadence's identity, I think I put in enough details that you and others can deduce who our mystery pony truly is. It's a pony you might have seen before, just in a different place and time. Try taking another glance over her physical description and words, as well as the color of clothes she wears.
I have to admit, when it came to Cadence and her sickness I was lazy and just used human symptoms for Acute Myeloid Leukemia. Given the constraints I created early on in my version of Equestria, ponies are extremely resistant to radiation, so radioactive exposure or treatment would be ineffective even if it were already discovered. Because of this, Leukemia is even rarer in ponies than it is in humans, and with the understanding of the disease being as young as it is, chemotherapy is not an option either. In our world arsenic was and still is used to treat it, but we saw how far that solution got with Punnett Square. Symptoms of untreated Leukemia can include anemia, ease of bruising, physical weakness, shortness of breath, and severe pain concentrated in the bowels and stomach. Taking care of a child given these conditions requires being incredibly gentle, mindful of sharp edges and hard falls, and always moderating how much physical activity they do.
I had to refer to how long it's been since Bunsen Burner has been mentioned as a Prince. Chapter 4. I completely plum forgot all about it until this chapter as a result since it seems to be incredibly unimportant, and his being a student of Celestia seems to have fallen by the wayside in importance as well.
Given the many days Bunsen Burner and Punnet Square were on the airship heading home, I am modestly surprised they didn't deduce any reasons as to why Princess Celestia would keep any theoretical healing abilities secret. B.B. at least strikes me as somewhat philosophical, even earlier in life, so he could probably have come up with a half dozen rationalisations. Obviously, of course, they don't sound good to his and Punnet's ears given how close they are to the situation. Whether Celestia is able to later explain to him or not why she did not come rescue Lily doesn't help either. If she does, then he just knows she was willing to make an exception for his wife but not for Cadance, and if she doesn't he assumes she didn't try even for him. I am willing to guess the former, and the argument they have will be what convinces Celestia to at least attempt to heal Cadance.
The tombstones do give us a general timeline of the events being at least 25 years before present day, I notice.
There is an early missing line break in between two paragraphs, and in this section
It should be broken up as well, as there are two different speakers in this paragraph.
This chapter reminds me of how much Magical Mystery Cure annoys me. It's not so much that Twilight became an alicorn princess, but rather that Starswirl DIDN'T despite having created over 200 spells to Twilight's completing 1, and he befriended a then-villain (Scorpan) while Fluttershy did the job with Discord. In this fic's verse, however, it seems more like he knew how to become an Alicorn but simply didn't want to become one, choosing instead to toy with things from beyond the grave. Perhaps that included stopping Celestia from going down her route for world domination, depending on how your headcanon of the timeline of those events is.
Fancy Pants' mention is somewhat interesting, and I gather he will be an important player in the future. Since Celestia's thoughts state this as 20 years before Luna's return, I'm guessing he will be her student for a while, then Sunset Shimmer, and finally Twilight Sparkle? Possibly with Cadance on the side.
The solution to the cipher seems rather a little bit weak, in that it looks to be a one-to-one transposition of letters with symbols, ie A = symbol 1, B = symbol 2, C = symbol 3, etc. Punnet should have been able to solve it on his own pretty quick just by zoning in on symbol frequency and noting which 'words' were being repeated lots, compare it to the terminology of Starswirl's time (lots of 'thy' instead of 'the' for example), and break it quickly.
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While legally still a Prince, the status isn't important to him. It's an attitude shared by the vast majority of those taught by the Princess; though the title is earned, they are also taught the humility necessary when wielding it.
I suppose to make it clear, since I didn't point it out in story, the modern day setting is in the late fall/early winter of 1001, leading into 1002.
Thanks for helping me with the edit! I hope its more clear now when everyone is speaking.
The Magical Mystery Cure episode was also something of a disappointment for me, and I plan on addressing a solution to it in a forthcoming story. As for Starswirl, that is also part of a larger issue with my various stories, both inside continuity and in a metaphysical sense. When I started writing stories they were in the vein of 'undocumented events': tales in the modern day intertwined with the show just in between episodes, while others earlier in the timeline were simply explanations for the present day situation or were forgotten to the mists of time. As of the last story I finished, Revival of Chaos, as well as the factor of Seasons 3, 4, and partial 5 having aired, my universe has flat out jumped into Alternate Continuity.
Starswirl in my universe became so knowledgeable and powerful that he was basically able to determine if and when he died. After setting Celestia right from her days as Sol Invicta (as written in Lessons for a Benevolent Tyrant), he died of old age around 302, so that the Princess would do everything she had been taught in memory of him, not knowing he had manipulated her in this regard. Power and immortality never held any appeal to him, though; the only reason he went on as long as he did was in the pursuit of knowledge. Before he passed, however, he told her a third alicorn would appear when his journal was found again, and that she would appear with it. Prophecy when you're a time traveler, though, is just as simple as telling someone you're going out for lunch, and then lo, it was as he said!
Fancy Pants is the student in between Bunsen and Twilight, and he spent many years under her. Twilight was only a student for about four years before Nightmare Moon returned, so there was a pretty big gap between obviously. The reason why should appear later in the story. Sunset Shimmer, meanwhile was a student of Celestia's many centuries ago, but she abandoned the Princess, and was never seen in Equestria again. She is still alive however. She's the Archsorceress of Saddle Arabia.
Admittedly the cipher is weak, but that's also because it was meant to be so. Punnett was intended to decrypt it, but the knowledge even in plainly written language will take a long time to understand and apply. All the while time is running out for Cadence. (In real world terms, I'm not as great at puzzles as I've built up Punnett to be)
Hmm, I wonder what Bunsen Burner is creating for Trixie. A two hoof weapon, perhaps, or a shield of sorts?
Now that it looks like we're getting closer to Cadance's Alicornisation in flashbacks, I wonder if all the things Trixie says Bunsen Burner did about almost destroying Equestria back in Chapter 3 actually occurred, or if that was all a cover story and Celestia exiled him for creating another Alicorn.
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It's definitely something long and pointy.
While it is true that Bunsen has a hand (hoof?) in the creation of Cadence as we are accustomed to seeing her, the incident for which Bunsen was banished was more recent by comparison. As for the exile itself, it was actually pronounced by Luna. While Celestia was against it once she found out about it, she could not lift the banishment without making her sister's authority appear to be weaker than her own.
It's a long story I need to go about rewriting.
so essentially he created one of if not the first real science superweapon in the history of equestria? All as a contingency? Yeah that sounds about right for bunsen.
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It's more like he was the first to make mustard gas, but it only effects select beings. It's the best kind of weapon because there's a significantly smaller chance of collateral damage: no civilians would be harmed if exposed to the Marigold Option.
And so Cadence's (presumed) ascension starts. I guess all the years she was wasting away were made up for and then some in the process.
It would have made a nice bit of symmetry if Bolera herself was an Earth pony, or if Bunsen had contributed a little bit of his own (Earth pony) magic at the end for all three tribes to be represented in the process (with Cadence being a pegasus already), but ah well.
Someone's going to be furious no doubt even as Punnet's last thesis was proven true.
The Marigold Option sounds a little bit interesting. Basically a targeted biological agent, following the colurs naming scheme of the herbicides used during Operation Ranch Hand (Agent Orange, Agent Green, Agent Pink, etc.), and requiring the use of centrifuges to produce much like refining uranium.
I admittedly haven't read the story this is linked to, but from the sounds of it with the alicorn-esque machine the Arcanium is being extracted from, there was a pretty powerful progenitor civilisation. Bunsen would be careful to ask himself why that civilisation's not around anymore.
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I had initially thought about have Bunsen contribute to the alicorn process like you thought, but I also thought that since I made such a big deal about the genetic side of things that magically splicing DNA from a third source instead of expressing buried traits could complicate things. On top of that, I wanted to show that while Cadence is an alicorn now, she isn't in the same class as say Celestia or Luna: she's powerful, but not as powerful as them, plus she still physically ages, albeit much slower than regular ponies. It's sort of like comparing a classical Greek god with a demigod.
The Marigold Option is a powerful tool, and I'm certain Bunsen knows the ease with which it could be abused. Still, it is a weapon, one which a younger him would probably have never dreamed of producing. In times of desperation science is perverted into seeking a better solution of how to solve the problem created by an enemy combatant, not of discovering and understanding the nature of the universe. In this chapter we finally see by degrees how far Bunsen's fallen. Compared to the pony we saw in Chapter 4, his personality and outlook are so different as to be almost alien.
This story is a lead-in to another tale of mine, AJUO: Revival of Chaos, which starts around the period surrounding the Canterlot Wedding. I feel Bunsen ended up being a main character if not the hidden protagonist in it. Obviously it deals with Changelings, but there's also some cosmic strategy at work involving Discord and another party which includes a previous human protagonist of mine and a now humanized Lyra Heartstrings.
As for the Alicorn Droid, that's me setting up plot points for later use. Suffice it to say, you're right that there is a precursor civilization, but this droid isn't their work. There's a hint near the end of Revival of Chaos as to what it is. In terms of this story, the Droid is Equestria's Roswell; found in the wastelands to the West, classified, and extracted back to Canterlot during the 50s. A treasure trove of synthetic elements, one was found to be able to store and expel magic, and when Principled Acumen synthesized an alloy close to its properties, she called it Arcanium, and the Magical Industrial Revolution was born.
Welp, this story is done at last! As good as it is to write a story you like, sometimes closure is a very good feeling too. It's been a long time coming, but I've got other projects I'd like to work on, and they can't be ignored any longer. I hope you enjoyed my story, and I'd love to see your comments in the future, on this or other stories! For now though, peace.
6659799 Oh man really? I kind of want to see trixie's adventures in equestria.
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I'm afraid it is done. While Trixie was a good co-star, Bunsen was the main focus of this story. While I won't rule out the possibility that I could write something related to her later, I can't say I've cooked up anything yet or will in the near future. I've had problems promising things in the past and delaying them for long periods or indefinitely, so I won't lead you on with promises I can't keep. I'm really sorry.
Huh. When the Arcanium coils were mentioned, I half-thought Bunsen was about to throw Trixie into an alicornisation machine he rebuilt again, which obviously wasn't the case. Then again, the G&PT doesn't need wings to be awesome.
It was a pretty good read, overall, though obviously being mostly centred around an OC you wouldn't have received that many comments as a result.
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You're absolutely right! The Humble & Reformed Trixie is actually pretty great and powerful after all. Thanks for the read and the benefit of the doubt. I'd have to admit that my personal taste and prejudice might cause me to be hesitant about an OC story, so I don't blame others if they don't take the dive. This was always going to be a personal fulfillment project anyway, but if others like you can enjoy it too, then that makes it even better! Thanks also for adding my story to your bookshelf. I've been very happy to receive your input on it!