• Published 9th Apr 2016
  • 10,271 Views, 213 Comments

Loosened Screw - RealityWarper



I was once a human. Now I'm a really strange pony. I think. Ponies don't have weird eyes like mines though.

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Chapter 4

Author's Note:

This is a small chapter, meant to be kept as a note for myself as a progression in the series. It's meaning is deeper, and the chapter will be confusing, but it will begin to make sense as I post more in the future.

Home.

That's where I want to go. But where is home? A whole universe away? I might as well just be dead if that's the case. It's impossible to go back, and no amount of positive energy will save that. I mock the world all the time. I say how horrible and ugly it is, how evil the world is, and how everything on it is so stupid. But that stupid way of life was my way of life. Those things I knew, that others knew. I could relate to them all. The memes, the memories, the celebrities, learning new things that seem to come out every year. Or maybe things that I just hadn't ever known.

These ponies don't have those memories, these ponies have only ever known peace. A quick search of my body's brain easily showed me a few things about Equestrian history. I am thoroughly, and utterly alone in this universe without a way of returning.

Alone...

There is no one here that can relate to me, in any shape form or way that I'm used to. My family, my friends, my life, all gone. In the single time span of a vehicle hitting me. This is it. This is the equivalent of dying.

"What's wrong with her?"

"She's in shock, she can't even hear us I don't think." A purple hoof waved in front of my face, clearly trying to grasp my attention. "I'm not quite sure what could have put her in shock other than... the memory of being hit by that cart. She only survived due to Discord's magic after all, such a near death experience would be more than enough to hurt a frail pony's mind, let alone a child for that matter. Ponies aren't built for things like that." What?

"Well, how do we get her out of 'shock' then?" That impatient scratchy female voice, that sounded suspiciously familiar...

"Well, there are a few ways of doing that. Mostly these issues work themselves out, but I think I might have a spell or two..."

ZZZTT

OW!

I reel back in shock from the sudden zap that jolted me out of my internal pity party, not that is wasn't justified. I turn my head to gape at the offender, who in turn was also getting glares from everyone around her. One Lavender pony.

"Uh, well... You asked... I just delivered..." Said lavender pony's cheeks tinge red from embarrassment. I sluggishly turn away from the ponies to look at my hooves. This is all real, all of it. Either I've gone insane, or I'm in another dimension with ponies being sentient. Both aren't good options. And about Discord... can I really serve a magical being I know nothing about to get home?

"Screwball... Are you okay?" The pink maned, butter colored pony from before gave me a look of concern. I look over her features.

...

My eyes widen a fraction. Tears roll down this mare's- No... FLUTTERSHY'S face. She's crying, not just for herself, but for me. I can feel her emotions, I can feel her sadness, her anger at herself, and her regret for letting me get away. It makes me want to cry, but I won't cry. Because if I lose myself in her emotions, I'll lose control of my own actions, and I'll be dragged into the darkness.

I gave her a smile, no matter how half-hearted it was. In response, she grew a small half hearted smile herself. She reaches, wrapping her hooves around me in a hug.

I then knew that I was cared for, even if I'm not the pony who she thinks I am. I hug her back.

* * * * *

As I pace in my padded room, I contemplate my next action. I have no place to go, I can't travel, heck, even if I could travel I wouldn't last a week. But of all my fears, the biggest one was wondering if I all of these ponies would figure me out.

Will they still care for me like they apparently claim they do? How long will I be stuck here? Who is Discord? Whose body does this belong to? So many questions, which only bring even more questions. Not knowing what to do, I decide that I'm over thinking things, a bad habit I've never been able to rid myself of. Why am I here? What am I doing? Can I get back?

"Look there she is!" WHAT!?

I jump back against the wall, gasping as I'd heard the dark malicious male voiced whisper followed by a choir of echoing dark and demonic giggles and snickers. The door's knob twisted rapidly hard in succession, but failed to actually open the door because it was locked-- But that didn't stop them from yanking on the door knob and try to kick and push the door in.

"Did you hear her?" Followed by the one whisper, came more laughter as the door was tugged on relentlessly--

TOOMANYVOICEWHOIAMIWHEREISTHISPLACEIWILLKILLEVERYTHINGPLEASEMAKEITSTOPI'LLKILLEVERYTHINGTAKETOTHEDEADTAKETOTHEDEADTAKETOTHEDEADTAKETOTHEDEAD--

I manage to tug my head away from the vast godly connection on intelligent I couldn't even begin to explain with words-- Who's thought became mines as theirs dominated my mind with billions of souls in one vessel. I don't know where I managed to find the power to do it, but I did it.

My brain was burning with pain as it began to overload from so many voices in my head driving me to madness to free myself from the hive of malicious intent. The monster yanked at the door, I could see through the window--

It's... It's... hundreds... hundreds of s-shadowy ghost hands!

"She's in there..." I heard the sound of a female whisper with hostility, the door got slammed against twice- but it did not buckle under the assailants attempts to knock it off it's hinges. Suddenly, the door was being tugged at from tendril shadow hands that slid from under it, a static audio beamed in my ears, it was like I couldn't hear anything other than their voices, this empty sound.

"W-Who's out there?" It's all I can pitifully do as I didn't really know how to work this body well enough to run from such a thing long enough for help, and I don't know how to do magic well enough to not do anything but be scared! This has to be some type of nightmare, I can't handle this...

"The Chosen One... wE HavE foUnD You, aNd We have returned for you..." One voice whispered in a hushed tone, I couldn't distinguish a gender because it sounded like hundreds of people speaking at once... "CoMe wiTH Us GoD..."

W-What'd they just say? Did... they just call me--

Suddenly the door's bolt that protected the door from being opened slid out it's position and into the air. My heart plummeted as the handles pulled back under the door, and the doorway went dead silent. Slowly, the door knob turned...

The door slowly opened, and a dark specter of a tall pony, taller than Discord even, stepped in. It's body was riddled with eyes, EVERYWHERE, it's a humanoid shaped blob! All of it's eyes gazed at me in their dead hyper realistic manner, the lack of souls present and pestering my mind with it's elder creature presence.

"♬ Where are you going?♬

Questions began swirling in my head in a nightmarish manner, my world began distorted and my vision began to swim. I began to back peddle, hitting the cushioned wall behind me as I began hyperventilating. I couldn't get myself to calm down, I'm scared! The only people I could ever trust were all gone! I placed my hooves over my head, shutting my eyes as they began to assault my consciousness with visions of nightmares.

Mommy, I'll miss your smiles...

Daddy... You could have loved me... Please...

Mommy, Daddy help me!


"Say kiddo, what're you doing back here already?" Discord?


I blinked, my reality distorted as I felt like someone completely different, a monster in sheep's clothing. I sat with a large crooked grin on my face, my swirled iris shifted and began to spin slowly, and I felt the overwhelming power and a taste for blood. I could picture the dark vivid life of pure animal instinct with a form of raw intelligence, it gave me a feeling... A raw form of ill intent, and I could do nothing but sit back as it felt like my soul was under the control of whatever super intelligent supreme being that had my very consciousness and shifted it to something sinister. Vivid cartoon distorted images pooled my mind as I knew only existence in the form of evil-

"KID! WAKE UP!"


Discord? I can't see... Oh, my eyes are closed... Already?

I slowly pry open my eye lids, in front of me were blurred ponies who surrounded me with worried expressions, each varying. It's strange being in the cartoon world of ponies... They were liked squiggly lining cartoons when I see them through tears... Wait, tears? I'm crying!? What's going on? Why can't I get control of my emotions anymore? What's with this place?

"Who's idea was it to leave this little filly by herself after she's only just had a panic attack? She needs comfort and loving ponies around her to let her know that no pony is out to get her! She doesn't need 'space' right now!" A stern Nurse pony sat on her haunches over me, holding me to her chest with both hooves. "You're going to be okay sweetie, nopony is going to hurt you, not here, not anywhere... I promise you on my life, that no harm will come to a single hair on your coat..." The sweet pony brushed my mane as I slowly uncurled from fetal position, laying against the wall with terror still coursing through my body. "Let it out, go ahead... It's okay to cry, crying makes you stronger..."

I began to realize what was going on, somehow, in some form I'm schizophrenic, I'm seeing hallucinations! But, how? Why? Was this body's brain damaged? Wait, of course! It's why I can't talk! "There's... some form of magic around her..." I glanced up to see Twilight, looking at me with abject terror. "It's... It's wrong, this isn't anything like dark magic... It's too sinister, too evil..."

So... not hallucinations? What's going on here?

Comments ( 42 )

"I'm not quite sure what could have put her in shock other than... the memory of being hit by that cart. She only survived due to Discord's magic after all, such a near death experience would be more than enough to hurt a frail pony's mind, let alone a child for that matter. Ponies aren't built for things like that." What?

I like it that they doesn't seems to try to make ponys look imortal because of cartoon logic.

I began to realize what was going on, somehow, in some form I'm schizophrenic, I'm seeing hallucinations! But, how? Why? Was this body's brain damaged? Wait, of course! It's why I can't talk! "There's... some form of magic around her..." I glanced up to see Twilight, looking at me with abject terror. "It's... It's wrong, this isn't anything like dark magic... It's too sinister, too evil..."

Okay who is talking there and why can't she talk?, which ones magic?

I thought he didn't wanted to speak or somthing, not that it was some kind of magic.

I remembered that I wanted her not to speak yet, to play pretend a bit longer, but to be honest I hoped this chapter would contain some more or less happy family time again. I would love to see some bonding moments with Fluttershy and Filthy. I would like to see how they maybe notice that she acts different around them, at least the other two.

In a way I would like it to see maybe Diamond getting teased or Screwloose getting teased and somehow suprising all with something she does, with being more intelligent then they thought she would be, without to completely changing her personality that she tries to fit in for now.
I'm really happy for this chapter and it was even good if a bit confusing for me at the end, but I hope it doesn't has to turn out into an adventure or horror story to soon, I hoped the bad stuff could happen in the second end of the story or in a sequel and that her NIghtmares? don't happen in every second chapter from now on. I understand that it is an important part of either her being conected to Discord or some other magic stuff and I like that too, but I kind of hope it isn't the main part of the story and her bonding moments or sweet moments suffer a bit in this story.

I know a few other storys that never granted their main char a bit peace and tortured him nearly two hours later after he finished his old problems, I was wondering when he would turn into a psyco if you know what I mean. I only want to prevent that from happening or at least having some bongins moments taking up a bigger part and not happening to fast, after that I would image the Nightmares or whatever turn real.

I really don't hate the story, but after the first three chapters that made it look a bit sweet and like the story would center mostly around family problems, this starts to look a bit weird, probably because I don't know if I got a wrong idea about the story or not.

And thus, it is born anew.

"Well, how do we get her out of 'shock' then?" That impatient scratchy female voice, that sounded suspiciously familiar...

"Well, there are a few ways of doing that. Mostly these issues work themselves out, but I think I might have a spell or two..."

ZZZTT

OW!

Getting her out of shock by shocking her. :ajbemused:
BRILLIANT! :derpytongue2:
img01.deviantart.net/fb7d/i/2012/137/9/b/science_brohoof_by_aisu_isme-d5050fz.png

7937180 Yeah, I have to agree. This took a weird turn. It really doesn't feel like the author's heart is in it anymore. Plus it doesn't help when we get lines like

from the vast godly connection on intelligent

What are we even supposed to make of that?

Ok time to reread this cause..., da fook:derpytongue2:

Edit: ok reread and.. loved the first two chapters still. Last two..... very lost.

7937245 Maybe the best thing he could do is to rewrite a bit and continue from the second chapter.
I can only repeat myself, the first two chapters where about him his family and maybe a movie scene from "Kevin allein zu Haus", after that I thought it would continue witht he cute moment we had in chapter two. I admit I totally like the idea that he is in a body of a character that is seen as useless, loved and every character seems to have a different opinion on them, Diamond even seems to feel ashamed of her sister a bit. I like those different reactions and even if I didn't liked the last two chapters that much, the third one was somehow okay.

I would say he should rewrite the 4. chapter and maybe use that idea later. It didn't even looked like it would have continued after the second chapter, the third one was only a dream as far as I remember.

I don't say this can't take a dark turn later, but I think the main char should get some time to get used to his new life and maybe a bit of his power before he starts with the crazy stuff.
I

Okay, I have to agree with a few others here. It's becoming too difficult to follow your plot. In the first two chapters you had a great story going. Human in Screwball's body dealing with being dumped in Equestria and Screwball's family dealing with having an awake and intelligent Screwball to deal with. Then it seems like you just suddenly switched stories on us. Discord comes out of nowhere to plot dump and now Screwball wakes up in a padded cell, can't talk, and is having demonic visitations. It almost seems like you mentally skipped about 10 chapters and just kept writing without explaining to us readers what's going on. You got us all built up for those earlier plot points, and then just abandoned them to skip forward and introduce this new stuff. Each of the last couple chapters just seems to ignore the previous and start up in some random future point that has nothing to do with what already happened. I would suggest you do some rewriting. Go back and continue the early stuff and save this stuff for a bit later on.

Excellent chapter

Based on the Author's note i can assume that this chapter is like a sample of where they intend on going with the story and maybe to get a second opinion from us. Well here are my 2 flakes.

I will start by saying that i like many of the elements presented here, but all of these in one chapter is no good. But based on what i said before then it's no surprise and i hope that by the time the story gets back on track that this chapter gets rewritten to fit the intended pacing.

Now let's talk about the chapter itself. The first scene is a Nightmare and there is something tormenting our protagonist. This raised a flag for me because I've seen this before. A big bad thing appears in a dream revealing, more or less, who is the antagonist and/or what the obstacles are. BUT! The scene itself was not that bad. It was confusing and cryptic like a real dream would be. So I was OK with it. But then came diSCrd. First: too early. Second: be more subtle with him for now at least. Third: personally, it would have been more interesting if his involvement would lead us, or the cast, to think that maybe he is the evil master mind. But by the end of the chapter.... I'll get to that in a bit.

I really like the next scene were ScRwBuL wakes up. The confusion, the questioning of one mental state, and wondering where the story will go. Good stuff. But then came TiLiGt sPrkl. Why TwiGht. Why! The revelation that she brought even made rWbAll go 'oh, so i am not crazy. Thanks'.
The issue is that if all characters knew that an outside force with ill intent is causing scRewBi problem then the focus will shift towards solving it. These is something that needs to be develop more carefully so please tell T s to drop the script.

Now imma start ranting on this gimmick and it'll mostly consist of rambling so don't mind me
What was that TwitTY? There is some EViL magic surrounding the filly. And it's even more eviL then Dark magic. Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be? Dark magic. pffft! More like LAME magic. M eye Right. we need to raise the stakes quickly. Let them know what we are dealing with. This eVVVil is just so Evil that it Makes those Ohter eVil green with envy. iTSAS so evi thAT OH! is that a piece of construction paper! yum!

Anyway, my point is that i don't like it when some EVIL thing appears suddenly to raise the stakes but in an unconvincing manner. I DON'T mind them in a story but its the way that they are introduce that either make or break them for me. And in this chapter its the latter. I would like to give some examples but this comment is too long already. Maybe Later. But I ask: Has anyone ever read a story here where an evil entity, voice or presence appears and they try to convince you how evil they are or how much of a problem they could be but they just come out flat?

In conclusion. I like the potential of this story and ill be looking forward any new update from you fUltRHart and hopefully I came out as more helpful than annoying. Like some dog i know.

"It's... It's wrong, this isn't anything like dark magic... It's too sinister, too evil..."

Its Human Nature
Or the drugs kicking in

7938962 I'M TRIPPIN' BALLS -Screwball 2017

7941256 You made my day.:pinkiesmile:

7941457 It's just what I do, unless of course your a reaper in which I shall get you a beer than blow you up, not necessarily in that order :pinkiecrazy:

7938962

WARNING: This video contains brief nudity and some disturbing imagery.

Also might be an actual representation of screwball hallucinations, nopony knows!

7947861 After that video im not sure if im glad I posted the comment...or questioning why I didn't read the description before watching the video

7949130 I did warn about it, Pink floyd aimaton are not for the faint of heart, and i watched those originally when i was a kid, my father as a fan.

That... was confusing.

Heh, guess i should've expected as much, Scewball and all

I think... it might not be one human who died and became Screwball... it might be every human who died and became Screwball.

why is this story on hiatus?

7950314
I'm comfortably numb to this sort of thing.

7938372

I would like to give some examples but this comment is too long already. Maybe Later. But I ask: Has anyone ever read a story here where an evil entity, voice or presence appears and they try to convince you how evil they are or how much of a problem they could be but they just come out flat?

If I understood your comment right, then I have to say “ I feel like this happens all the time”.
In half of the stories I have read so far, you can count on an evil being to appear around chapter 4, looking from some bushes, in their evil lair, or trying to kidnapp someone. I always feel like this stuff happens to soon, sometimes they even write stories withouth giving their characters a rest and letting some scenes play that describe their daily life if you know what i mean.
I remember a storie where the main char should be a mess by now.
1. someone died,
2. he accidently hurt someone.
3. he got some bad magic or something.
4.Discord tried to help him and knocked him out while accidently tormenting him with his magic.
5. he needs to visit some crazy doctors and frisky Changelings.
6. his mother dies.
7. Discord somehow makes a magic baby with the main guy and the ponies wants to take his daughter.
After that I think he was hurting several friends accidently got to court and was forced to take part in a possible war as a result to nobles being an asshole and racist towards his family. (Ahhh now I remember, I think he was rescuing Bon Bon and Lyra from being raped and nearly killed one of the Stallions for that, that is why they got something else on him).
He was a really depressed character, he even thought he needed to leave after finally getting in a relationship with Derpy and I remember she noticed she was pregnant because she accidently read her callender wrong.

Now for the author:
However I honestly would like to just let him live his live for a while now, only writing about the situation between filthy rich and Fluttershy. If it get’s to long maybe do the to crazy stuff in a sequel or something, just please don’t fill the story with an amount of adventure that ignores any attempt of the main char to have some “slice of life moments”. Often enough some interessting stuff like meeting the parents in romance stories get’s kind of skipped or to short.

I would really like to see this story continue and while I’m not sure if I need anything bad to happen here, I think if it needs to be there, add it much farther in the future.

8293749
more please

8293749

8320553
I would like another chapter as well please.
edit: I think this was the story where only the strange Discord part didn't really worked yes?, then I should maybe rather ask if you have already an idea if you want to rewrite it or use the idea later?

Sorry if I mistake this story for another one, but after I had asked for another chapter I noticed this maybe was the one with the little problem and then I though I should....well ask if you figured our if you want to take it away or do that stuff later.
I really think if you have to do it, maybe use the discord idea much later or in a sequel, he should first get used to the world and the familly situation, which I think was already interessting enough. I don't need Discord messing with the storys uuhh pace.

do you plan to write a new chapter at the moment?

8781397
I... really want to. You see, I'm afraid I have a terrible case of writer's block. I dunno how to get past it. I just can't find myself writing.

8786245
Well I don't mind if I have t wait, but maybe you just start with writing down some ideas or start to write something of you are bored no matter how stupid it looks like. I just now that so far we weren't reallly happy with the Discord chapters, maybe you take away the last two chapters if you ask me and continue where Fluttershy got Screwloose back, that way you only have to think of something cute for now.

While I didn'T like the Discord Dream chapters at all, maybe they will look better much later or in a sequel.

8786814 I'll... definitely think about it then. Honestly I'd given up as an author. I'll try to write something, though.

8786824
I forgot to say something, I had read somewhere that it'S easier to decite if your happy with it, if you already have something written down and go back to it after a while.

I'll... definitely think about it then. Honestly I'd given up as an author. I'll try to write something, though.

Sadly only people like you think of some uniwue ideas like that, the other stuff is always full of cliches mind control or other overused ideas.

I was trying to say it are often stories like yours that seems to just die out rather fast, which could be pretty good if they would be completed.

If this is the story I remember it is, then I would like another chapter, but also a new third and fourth chapter. Basically if this was with the dark emtpy horror dream this screwball had and when the adventure started in a hospital, then I want the last two chapters to be rewritten.

We had the nice scene with her and Applejack, but also Fluttershy finally seeing her again and then only the dark dream stuff.
I fear that this would have continued with a timeskip. I want it to continue from the moment where Screwball would have met Fluttershy.

edit: I just saw your reply to one of my older comments.

Oh and just in chase this was heading the "second soul" way, please make the human the real new screwball, I mean that the old soul or whatever you may had planned doesn't exist in this body and that it is his body. I don't want any body sharing in this story.

I began to realize what was going on, somehow, in some form I'm schizophrenic, I'm seeing hallucinations! But, how? Why? Was this body's brain damaged? Wait, of course! It's why I can't talk! "There's... some form of magic around her..." I glanced up to see Twilight, looking at me with abject terror. "It's... It's wrong , this isn't anything like dark magic... It's too sinister, too evil..."

Awww come on you can't just hiatus me like this D:

Started interestingly, but 4th chapter is just some kind of clusterf"ck. No idea what is happening.

Please come back to the story :applecry:

9460169
I'm sorry I'm just not a good writer.

10092111
I'll be happy to help you

This is a good story i wish you'd finish it tho

TOOMANYVOICEWHOIAMIWHEREISTHISPLACEIWILLKILLEVERYTHINGPLEASEMAKEITSTOPI'LLKILLEVERYTHINGTAKETOTHEDEADTAKETOTHEDEADTAKETOTHEDEADTAKETOTHEDEAD --

-TOO MANY VOICES WHO I AM WHERE IS THIS PLACE I WILL KILL EVERYTHING PLEASE MAKE IT STOP I'LL KILL EVERYTHING TAKE TO THE DEAD TAKE TO THE DEAD TAKE TO THE DEAD TAKE TO THE DEAD.

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