- Member Since 25th Mar, 2015
- offline last seen Mar 13th, 2020
ChurchNW
We, as in the Royal We, Exist. We also wrote Crystal Hearts
ChurchNW
Joined 25th Mar, 2015 ·
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Though you could use a bit of touching up with your descriptions (add some spice to them) your writing is fairly solid. I'm always glad to see a fellow FoE writer tackling the 3rd person point of view.
The story in of itself was okay. It's worthy of discussing the subject matter you are writing about. Particularly that of a more religious nature. Most stories focus on the horror or bleak aspect of the apocalypse -- where yours is more grounded on a spiritual front. Especially when all other forms of spirituality have been removed form the world after the war. That's truly an interesting topic, and I wanted to bring that up while writing this comment.
Overall it's a fair start, and worthy of a like. Which, I've given to you upon finishing this comment.
I wish you luck in writing the next installment.
- Noakwolf
5814899
Thank you very much for your comment! Well, we, royally, wrote this chapter a couple months before we posted it here. After we finished it, we left it alone to write the next chapters.
Chapter Zero is very much a prelude, which we are using to introduce the theme of this story, which you guessed (So Proud
), as religious strife that we felt was missing from the wasteland.
In the upcoming chapters, we will delve deeper into horrors, don't you worry. Please keep reading along and critique us, as we are sure our writing style will flag and improve sporadically. And we will never know the difference if you don't say so!
TL:DR
thanks for reading, we love you.
-ChurchNW
6050923
Thanks! We're happy to hear that you're enjoying it so far, hope you'll enjoy the rest as well.
6231734
You definitely have some good points. Some of the simplistic/wrong ideas were done intentionally, but there are probably a lot more that could have been more fleshed out. We'll try to keep that in mind for the future. While I can't speak for my editors, I personally do find Orchestra to be a more interesting character. Overall, she's my favorite. However, I didn't think many readers would be willing to read a story with an unapologetic bigot for a protagonist.
TL;DR, your comments are greatly appreciated, and we are glad to know you're enjoying the story so far.
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)
6721639
Thanks a lot. I really appreciate it.
Congrats, I feel sorry that he lost Lyra and almost everyone with him.
6875056
The reason the first Movement is called “Severance” is because Symphony is severing himself from his old life. His faith, family, friends and his home. I thought this would give him a blank slate when he enters the Wasteland, but also gives him a backstory and some baggage. So, yeah, he pretty much did. The only exception to this is Carbine, because that’s just how the story unfolded.
6875249 Well you can't lose everyone. People are left behind, but some will survive. For Carbine this was also a severance in my opinion.
6875311
Not that I'm disagreeing, but I'm curious as to how this is also a severance for Carbine.
6885264 Well not so much severance I suppose now that I think about it. He survived, he lost those that had become close to him. But in the end he's still close to being the raider as he was in the beginning. I don't know, maybe following Symphony is his severance.
Fun fact: Kkat actually regrets not having written the fic after the crystal empire, because he/she could have featured crystal ghouls. I might have to read this fic immediately to know if the plot of my fic will work without being considered taken.
Nice artwork, did you do it yourself?
7322930
I read that the other day and thought it was really interesting. For the sake of my story's existence, I'm glad Kkat didnt't get to write the Empire. But I really am curious to know how it would have turned out. Hope writing your own fic goes well!
No, I didn't do the artwork. I commissioned Sw1tchbl4de to do it for me.
Will King Sombra appear or at least get mentioned in this story?
7522858
I don't think he'll appear. I think he was mentioned in passing during Severance as the source of Sombras nickname. Aside from that I'm not too sure. On that note, there are also no plans for Tirek.
The last part, was that a reference to Ezekiel 25: 17 from pulp fiction?
7631839 It absolutely was. I like the idea of using Bible verses as a way of incorporating the Cadanite religion. And at the end of the day, there is no better verse for that situation than the one made up for Pulp Fiction.
8144611
“Mess” is actually a good way to describe Coalescence. While the Crystal Wasteland isn’t a good place by any means, it has much more stability to it than the regular Wasteland. I tried to reflect the dichotomy of the settings with plot’s overall structure. Severance was more like a linear adventure, while Coalescence was all over the place. But now that Symphony has come to accept the Wasteland and his place in it, his life is regaining a sense of structure. There’s still some chaos but not as much. As a result, Appetence goes back to being more of an adventure with a few wrenches thrown into the mix.
I’m glad you’re enjoying the story, and I’m really excited to get started on the new arc!
I really enjoyed this story, are you still continuing because there are some good characters here!
8685897
Yes, I am. Unfortunately, work on Appetance has been slow. That's mostly been because I got distracted with a shiny new project. With that finished, Crystal Hearts should be getting a lot more of my focus. I hope to start releasing chapters in February.
Time to visit the land of snow and what there are posible the first megaspel ever, that lovely crystal heart of theirs. Not often that I see Crystal empire FoE stories, so are looking forward to what this bring.
Please forgive my comment if it seems different from the rest, I am at work and on my phone, so have little ways of editing if things happen later on that answers some of my comments, I comment as I read so my words are always fresh, and I wont be posting my nitpicks either since copy pasting is a bitch.
So overly religious ponies... that is a new one. Odd that devils are mentioned as those are a Christian thing, and ponies did not have a carpenter to take all of their sin away. Now demon on the other hand is multi cultural and used by zebras in the original, unless my memory betrey me. I know that it is a minor thing, but I am a sucker for nitpicks and think that every little one fixed is an improvement to. A story.
With the heavy theme of religion must I say that it is oddly fitting to have the story told in third person by an allknowing narator there can read certain minds. I have not seen a single grammar or punctuation mistake so far, so looks like you really know your stuff, and I hope that means that we will get a bit experimental later on with following other characters and see a bit of their viewpoints!
And that ending... damn no one expect the pony inqusition... damn just damn...
Normally do I give the author of the story to read my posts before going to the next chapter andpå comment some more, but damn do you have me hooked! So no rest for the wicked!
A mute char... yea that is a first for me, had I mot already faved the story would I have done so now. Not gonna say who there are mute thou, that would be spoilers, but lets just say that my wish about new viewpoints was heard from the ones above.
Those batteries sounded an aweful lot like tech batteries and not magical ones... but without more details will I let them slide and not comment on them any more.
So thoughout the whole chapther have I wonedered why all of the soldiers got killed, but the loot left behind. I mean if I slaugteded a division would I surely go loot them all since no matter how smart a tactic I used to do it would it be lots of work. One can only hope that the mystory will be answered in the next chapter
"Mad e sense to me" Gasp! What is this! Could it be... the first typo in this story so far! For shame I say! Shame on you, shame on your family, and shame on your cow I say!
Could this be... another one... "We head weapons, ammunition, and some of us had armor"
Tsk tsk tsk, you are surely slipping with this chapter with those myriads of mistakes that I just listed. Its honestly a bit rare for me to not write more than I am right now, but I am simply flabbergasted over how good the story is and don't know how to find the right words, and instead of wasting time finding them do I just want to explore the next chapter, and the next one, and the next after that.
You are hitting that sweet spot between humor, action and surprisingly tragedy, and are even doing it with a mute character to boot, so my hat of to you.
The only one thing that I can comment on is that I hope that we will return to Orchestra at some point, or maybe even some other chars yet unseen, I know that it is a lot to ask for since I am 200K words behind, but you do really have an original setting in FoE, and believe you me that is rarer than a Water talisman!
Normally do I not mind spoiling a few things to praise them, but damn you for making the biggest things plot twists that gives me whiplash with how quickly we get turned around!
Let me just say that it was a shitty more, and I would have started the tagging with a rusty meatclever... to the private parts.
Don't think it should be "an electronic", and funny story, one of my first encounters with Fo was watching one of my close friends play Fo3 on PC. He was new to the game and encountered some mirelurks, not having figured the trick about head and belly shots out yet, so he threw grenade after grenade at them with SATS and was yelling at the screen about how little damage they did... Until he remembered that they were EMP and facepalmed over how many caps he just had wasted.
And welp... Yet again, did not see that ending coming. You will be the death of me, writing so much quality in so few chapters!
Nitpick:
"He rolled towards the greeting card stand" Something ate your line before this sentence
Hey there are difference between tasteless filler and meaty filler as yours, and I would not mind any meal stuffed to the rim with your quality filler, porn mags and all
A lot of other FoE stories have thrown kids into them, but have mostly used them as sadness fodder, staring daggers at you PH, so its really really nice to see Missile being allowed the life kids life that he have in the story, and it is surprising that it took me so long to realise how much that I enjoyed him. He is not just a kid there to be a kid, he is a part of the group, the family, that just happens to be a kid.
Wait... PH inspired this story... At least did it do something right for once. Still not a fan of PH thou.
Nitpick:
"What. could feel the ground shaking" I would say that it is a question, maybe to himself, but still, so could use a question mark
"Doctor Zimri had peeked his head above the staircase railing. When he nodded when he noticed my note" I would say comma and then some rewording to make the two fit each other better
... Fuck you for going Game of Thrones on us! Nothing is secured, nothing can be enjoyed from now on! I hate how much I like you!
The wasteland is dark and full of terror... But damn how would I wish that fewer people would die in it. Just as GoT does the death ratio have the effect that new chars are meh since they are properly going to die soon anyway, chapter point i case.
Nitpicks:
"She maketh me lie down in green pastures. " Someone stole your linebreak before this chapter
"“Yeah, Symph.” Joab emerged from a thick patch of shadow" Another missing linebreak
"Her eyes instantly cooled off" You have written the whole paragraph twice
"Yeah, I did know" Another missing linebreak
"It did make me curious as to why there was an epitaph at all bearing his name…." Ellipses with 4 dots we meet again!
"Because he was a stallion of the Goddess!" Linebreak problems yet again.
"So what of the few?" Damn whatever you wrote this in must not like fimfic for all of the linebreak problems happening
I really hate how empty the last scene feels now that characters have been offed left and right and it feels more like the norm than any special point in the story. Sure it was the most gory thing to happen so far, but honestly is it a bit meh to me, and the feeling of meh makes me wonder if it would be worth it or not to read more as a scene like that, the biggest so far, should at least made me feel something.
By the way, when it comes to music can you easily link to youtube at the right points, Adder1 and a few others have been using that trick to very big succes.
Nitpick:
"rather than pushing it open like a rather pony." Don't think that rather is the right word here.
Saffron in the wasteland? Madagaskar is hit with some bad weather and now Vanilla cost more to the pound than silver. I do not really think that anyone would care to pick flower stems in the wasteland, and if someone cared to pick them, then not transport them to the other end of the Wold trough a desert of ice.
PH tried so gosh darn hard to be like this story, to have the emotional impacts and showing how a shitty place the Wasteland can be. Too bad that the twisting of the knife in the emotional wound have no real effect on me by this point, having mostly locked down for most feelings, and are only in it to see the end of the ride. He have lost almost all by now, so I am honestly looking forward to see what he will loose next, even if I know that I won't feel for his loss in advance.
Nitpicks:
"---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------" Consistency is key, and this is a different kind of chapter break than you normally use.
"Jezebel stared at Lyra’s hoof with a thinly veiled scowl. Her stone-grey eyes moved to me. “Symph, who is this?”" Linebreak
"Jezebel’s eyes twitched, and the smile on her face was beyond forced. “You certainly have a mouth on you, don’t you?”" Linebreak
"‘Chestra sighed. “Tell me, Lyra, what are your plans for the future?”" Linebreak
"
My praise to your teachers, it is clear that they thought you well! While many FoE stories are well made is it not many that think so far ahead to put their stories up in arcs, them more focused on pouring out words than how to arrange them.
Its a little sad that I am so late to the party, would have loved reading this chapter not knowing that there were 20 more in wait for me, but I guess that is what I get for being in hiatus from FoE for such a long while. Here to this chapter of the Crystal Heart saga, may its crescendo be worth the wait!
Nitpick:
"I turned my head and saw Carbine standing in the doorway with Tenacity levitating beside him." You have a double line here, so delete
8994848
One of the best compliments I can receive as a writer is someone telling me that they want to read more, so thank you very much for reading the story and dropping your thoughts along the way. Reading your journey through the Crystal Wasteland has been entertaining as well as enlightening. Your comment about fatigue in the latter chapters is something I feared could happen to some readers and is something for me to consider in future works. While the other comments have not received replies, they have all been greatly appreciated. Again, thank you. :)
It always saddens me when I find old chapters like this with no comment to them. I mean the rest of the chapters had loads of comments, what have this one done the readers since they feel like it should be left all on it's alonesome? I know that it is from a new point of view and all that, but that is what makes this story so interresting, that it works with all of the tools in the literary toolbox, giving us so many angles to study the plot from!
Da-dum-TISH!
So Mailed Fish... Why do I want to make a character called that now? Some redneck griffin that goes around fishing with dynamite, not giving a care in the world about any political situation, so long as they can fish in piece, their every waken moment being focused on catching "the one!"
So the chapter is over, and this is the first chapter of any FoE story that have ever left me with a bad taste in my mouth, and the biggest wish ever to jump to this acts end to see that sweet sweet foreshadowing happening! While it was a very very grim way of introducing the new factions that we will encounter must I say that it was damn effective, gosh darn effective, and I wish more people would dedicate chapters to go "behind the scene" like this, showing the setting from a new angle. I have actually thought about making a few writing projects for the FoE groups with exactly that theme, to write a little chapter centering about a sidecharacter and their angle, and this chapter just made me want to run such a project even more.
Nitpick:
"“Bess, the landlord’s daughter, plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black mane.” " Linebreak
Its a bit sad how cynical Symphony have become, letting his friend eat that stuff, shooting at strangers just because of how they look the part of some legends he no longer believe in. While he have fallen far do I really hope that he will regain some of his lost humanity again. Having a character with humanity in the wasteland was such a refreshing experience, we have so many bad guys there are cynical, as seen in last chapters after all. Beside, strangers are friends we do not know yet, not target practice just because they look a bit weird!
Nitpicks:
"2.1 Strangers in a Wasteland “There is no safety this side of the grave.” " Consistency is key, and you normally have the title of the chapter in italic, not underlined
"I went to investigate the tents." Linebreak
"“And if she’s not feeling very appreciated," Linebreak
" but somewhat somber," Missing a word after somber
" I gulped it down." Third sentence in a row that start with I, so just saying "Gulping it down" would do.
"But that meant having to leave him. " Linebreak
So a cupcake room and no dress made out of feathers! Church I am disapointed! that would be the perfect reference and it slipped between your hands!
So a gun that shoots rare silver bullets that kill anything it hits by them melting up inside and what not... At least is it not the giant BFG from PH, but boy do I still dislike weapons like it. Ruins the suspence when there are plot weapons there can fix any problem, since we already know that the bullets and monsters they are gonna kill are already counted for in the big plot of things. Not only does it undermine the suspence, but getting the hellhound killing dog from a guy that we only have known for half a chapter, to kill a hellhound and then keep afterwards. Your writing up until this point have been perfect, but you dropped the ball here sadly
GASP! He could see into the future... If there are Megaspell bunkers in this story and they are used to make better loot will I be very very cross with this story you know!
So Packrat… You better not kill her off before this act is over at the least! She is favorite char already, so don't you dare killing her off too soon!
Nitpicks:
"After a few minutes, my companion tapped me twice on the shoulder" Linebreak
"Since you don’t have4 anywhere else to go you’re not in a hurry" I think that you can spot this one yourself =P
"Her expression became one of shock when she was the dribble dripping down it" Saw
"On a scae of one to ten" Noes! Someone looted Packrats L while she was asleep!
" God, she was learning. " Needs an extra o
" Sorry for making such a bad impression." Need an " in the beginning of the sentence.
" “And I had to kill Honeypot to safe Toothpick" Save
" You can't each an old dog new tricks" teach
Ehh I do really not care for this Lysa character, and rather dislike how Symphony have become. I can get why he slept the night away after that big fight, but going out to explore and kill and what not instead of looking for his bro... Yea that is just a shitty move!
Nitpicks:
"I ran out of the room so I could breathe." Linebreak
"Packrat tapped me on the shoulder" Linebreak
"Lysandra’s glare eased up slightly" Linebreak
Okay I think some clearing up of details is needed. Was it not Lysandras henchponies that kidnapped Carbine? I mean the main reason for Symphony to attack the house where he met Packrat was because Carbine was inside, but if he was inside would Lysandra know where he was, but they have not talked with her even once about Carbine... I do not know if this is a plothole or if I have missed some big info somewhere, but I am confused.
That poem is foreshadowing. Don't know what for, but I know that it is foreshadowing.
Nitpicks:
"Lysandra slapped Packrat," Linebreak
-7 points for not having a talking animal sidekick... other ponies does not count.
So serious question... What would it take to get a chapter, not necessarily plot related, where Shadow is the main person and we can all bask in her glorious nicknames? I mean it, I would seriously pay to see that... or at least commission some kind of cover for the story!
Packrat, the Looting One, calling her potential loot/ammo for crap? Heresy I say! No one would ever loot crap!
Nitpicks:
"She turned towards Clover. You’re up next.” Needs an "
"I should letter her borrow this one once I had finished it." Let
"“But probably not incorrect. I, on the other hoof, have been going on dangerous explorations for years now." Seeing as the mane 6 are beginning to turn grey haired at the start of the war is it properly not just years, but decades, that she have been in action.
"Footnote. Level Up. Lucky Strike. You really didn’t do much, but you leveled up anyways. A for effort I guess. Good job! Hits have a % chance of being critical." Need a number, and are pretty sure that your footnotes normally is written in bold.
"Author's Notes:" Delete
I am normally pretty good at reading between the lines, finding themes hinted at, and what not, but beside the doubt of what to do with the foals in the chapter before is this doubt coming pretty much out of the blue. Symphony have been one determined stallion up until this point, moving heaven and earth to get what he wanted, heck he left his sister to get what he wanted earlier and killed his first pony for it as well. Now that he are slowly getting used to killing, him changing his rules for the 5th time or so do he suddenly get hit with doubt... I have not really said anything before now, every story have its weak points, but we have gone down hill very fast the last few chapters.
Its understandable that Symphony would trust his life to a ghoul to save Carnage his newfound brother, it made more than enough sense that he trusted Packrat blindly when she came to his rescue and had a PipBuck with a blip on it that could have been his brother, but then do we suddenly shoot characters left and right in the head, even saving one that dosn't hold back in how much of a raider bitch she was/is, and take on some random adventures that by this point have lasted about a short week, more than enough time for Carnage to be killed off by the raiders 7 times over, raiders which leader Packrat apparently killed, "She had saved my life at the Fun Store, killed the Carbine-raider before he could harm us" and are now back in the crystal wasteland because Packrat got distracted...
The story in the first chapter was on point, it showed the Wasteland to the readers, made us love that we hated how much we loved certain chars, made so many black and white situations grey and muddy and made us really think deeply about them. The first arc made me go "Ohh hell no!" and gushing to my girlfriend about how I had found a new promising story to sink into. It made every action leave an impact, made every hard choice doubt ourselves and ask if we could take the same heavy steps if we were in Symphony's situation, each bad action actually meant something, the theme of FoE "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" shining from each single word, and fuck remembering that first chapter with the comicbook plottwist still gives me shivers... But now are foals being maimed, hoofs and eyes splattering and I do not lift an eyebrow since Symphony dosn't seem to care, heck him having a casual buddy buddy talk with Shadow seems to have a bigger personal impact on him than the scene with the foals had, and I think that the thing that bothers me the most about the foal harming is that no one else cared either. Sure Packrat was stunned by the whole thing and could not act, but she did not react on it as such afterwards. No big "We saved you to do better" scene that made miss Raider bitch think for two seconds, no "I am disappointed..." and a hurt look in her eyes, nope we get a story about how all use childsoldiers, so nothing wrong with it at all, and Packrat have a guilt trip and wants to do better...
Sorry for the long and incoherent rant, but I had praised this story to high heavens not so long ago, saying how this story did was PH tried to do and succeeded, and now do I feel that we have sunk lower than PH. PH had at least Blackjack be angsty and emo over how bleak the wasteland is, and right now is my best comparison that Symphony are going full Shinji from Neon Genesis Evangelion... Yes I went there, and no I am not sorry.
Seeing who we meet at the end would I say that the last segment should have been moved to the next chapter, perfect cliff hanger material, and would have allowed the last scene some more words. That they meet, so few words are said, and then part again seems awfully empty and a waste of the scene, and in general does it leave me even more confused about what to think about it all since that as well seemed to have so much more potential, but it was still a nice scene, just could have used a bit more words.
Nitpicks:
"She had saved my life at the Fun Store, killed the Carbine-raider before he could harm us, and she had taken me to her home. I felt indebted to her. I also doubted Maud Pie would be willing to lend me her ponies if I returned to her without Packrat. " Word for word what you said in the last chapter as well.
"Packrat slipped a bottle into her bag. “Hydra. Never leave the Caravan without it.”" Pretty sure that the FoE version of Hydra is a syringe just as the Fo version is... Something about 3 needles if I remember correctly, but it have been ages since PH
"She was pacing in a circle. "Linebreak
"The mare with the shotgun was aiming her weapon back and forth. " Linebreak
"Packrat…." Delete a period
"She stashed away her shotgun. She gulped down a healing potion. Her small wounds began to heal. She inspected her wing. She moved it up and down with her hoof. She grunted and flew up towards the second floor" Almost 5 sentences in a row that start with "she"
“I….” Remove a period
" Just a smile…." Same as above
"I smiled at her before resuming my star gazing. " linebreak
9001968
I think you're right that Symphony is determined and will work hard for what he wants. The problem, at least from my interpretation of him, is for the first time in his life he doesn't know what he wants. I think his goals tend to involve other ponies. Such as wanting to start a life with Lyra across the border. Without any kind of real goal, he's lost. Losing his faith in Cadence also damaged his moral compass. While he's not a monster by any means, he's questioning his sense of right and wrong in ways he never had before.
I tried to reflect that in a few ways in Coalesence. One is Symphony's uncertainty. He wants to still have a moral code, but he's uncertain as to how strict it should be. Another aspect is that Symphony's party is in flux throughout Coalesence. This is to create a sense of chaos that separates the Wasteland from the Crystal Wasteland, as well as to show Symphony's struggle of finding his place in the new world as it keeps shifting around him.
As for Carbine, I feel that Symphony wants to save him but has no clue as to how. He knows he needs friends to help him and is trying to get some, so he can try and save Carbine later. The problem is he has no idea where Carbine actually is (and just to clarify something, the group that took Carbine has yet to be introduced), but he'll cross that bridge when he comes to it.
As strange as it might sound, I appreciate the rant. It clearly comes from a place of passion, and I'm glad that you've enjoyed Crystal Hearts enough to be legitimately upset when the story is going downhill. It also helps me understand where some of the issues in the story are that I can hopefully address in the future. I hope what I've said has been able to smooth over some of the rougher patches of the story and hopefully the next few chapters will be a return to form.
Thank you for the feedback!
9002413
If the Carbine raiders haven't been shown yet (from the chapter that I have reached) do you have some plotholes, since I am certain that a yellow dot meant to be Carbine showed up in the "fun" store, and beside "She had saved my life at the Fun Store, killed the Carbine-raider before he could harm us", this, at least to me, indicate that we have meet them.
And its not weird at all that you appreciate the feedback, even if it was a bit blunt and ranty. Just wish that other writers had the same viewpoint on it. Had a guy flip his lip and delete my post over how I dared posting my nitpicks at the end of his chapter instead of sending them to him in privacy since I was pointing out his mistakes for all of his readers to see... Yea sorry if one dude sees that there are something wrong, are there a dozen others that see it as well, they are just too lazy to say anything.
So I can see a lot of sentences that could have a better flow than they have. Now I do not know if this is just an unlucky chapter, or if I am just feeling bitchy today since I haven't slept properly and are sitting here with what feels like a mild heartburn, but this is another kind of downward spiral of quality. It should be noticed that the sentences can easily be fixed since in a lot of cases is it breaking one flowing sentence up into "I did this. I then did this. I ended it with this". A good rule of thump is if you are starting your sentences with the same word 3 times in a row are there something wrong.
So I had something really well thought out written down about this segment, a suggestion even to show what I mean with the "combine" comments down in nitpicks, but my computer was a bitch and ate it all
Compared to a lot of your other descriptions is this very mechanic and dry, which really dosn't work for an action scene. We have a lot of sudden stops with the many periods, think of this scene as an action scene in a movie, each period being a cut in the action. Right now are we having a very very jumpy scene, looking at you newer Marvel movies, while a bit longer scenes, a few more descriptive words to pull us in, paint the pictures, would do wonders. Now short sentences and a lot of periods can work to make a scene look hectic and chaotic, but it needs to be even shorter then, 4-5 words max, as a single still picture after still picture flash in front of the readers mental screen.
Slightly edited for spoiler purposes, but what is it with your and your facination of ruining the eyesight of so many charactes? Do you have some secret cyclops fetish that you want to live out? Got bit by an optician as little? Why is it that you have such a thing for eyes!
Nope just nope. He are holding something in his mouth which brings the full focus of the Breezy on him, and are trying to be all stealthy like taking something from his neck, and then kick the grenade in front of him as he walks… This is on the level of Solid Snake sneaking around in a carboard box and working kinda "WTF NO!" stealth. This story have been so smart up until now, and then it tries pulling this… Son I am dissapoint.
I do not know if you had a bad month when you wrote this… But a grenade to the face and the only damage is the cheeks getting gory? Sorry but that is the most anti climatic thing that I have ever read, and as a cherry on top do we get a last word after its head and most of the neck should be salsa painting the cave. Symphony had to fucking run in gallop away from the plasma grenade the same second he dropped it to not be scorged, but a grenade in your mouth and you bleed like a bad trip to the dentist. Beside… that cherry on top with the last request and fulfilling it felt so forced. Symphony have just completed an assasination of a sentient being, but it is all allright since it gets a dolly that will be looted next time someone come by
Every story have its ups and downs, and right now is this one quickly spiraling downward with the last few chapters. Not going to put it on the shelf just yet thou, want to at least read this arc to the end before I take any final choices. Can still improve in quality when the focus is a bit more focused after all.
Nitpicks
"To replace Lyra…." four periods
" but I was expecting a large compound of some sort" delete the butt
"The vulpa lunged towards Mirage. I expected her to try and evade it. That’s what I would have done. Mirage simply scowled and retrieved her shotgun from the holster on her back. She took aim and prepared to fire. The vulpa’s eye exploded before she had the chance to. The vulpa lost its bearings and crashed onto the ground before us. " Repeating the same word so often does not make for the best flow.
"He shook his head. He looked at me and Packrat with a smirk." combine into one sentence
" I turned my head. Lamentation was standing behind me with a cigarette in his mouth" combine into one sentence
"Mirage either didn’t hear him," Linebreak
" The three of us took our positions behind the boulder. We trained our guns at the mouth of the cave" Combine into one sentence
"I heard her the first time. I had removed one of my grenades with no band. I removed it without pulling the pin and bucked it towards Mirage," I would not say combine into one sentence, but maybe into two?
" The force of the explosion knocked her backwards. She fell onto the ground and skidded when she hit the ground. " Combine into one
"I heard a symphony of thuds." came
"I had no love lost on vulpas after my experience with the venom." Plural?
"Vulpas who had survived the flames and explosions, and Mirage’s sporadic fire, came out of the cave." Since you are starting a new sentence would I start it out with "The"
" I wanted to stay conservative with my shots. I had learned Savage only needed to be reloaded, but Memento had legitimately jammed. I didn’t want to overuse it and risk another jam. I kept my eyes on the vicinity around Mirage." A-a-ay! A lot of I sentences
" Mirage finished it off by eviscerating it. Mirage’s body was drenched in the blood and guts of vulpas. " combine
"The Nocti smirked and nodded. She kept her eyes closed" combine
"I shook my head. I wasn’t thirsty." combine
" Its claws swiped in random directions. It spat out a constant stream of venom. " combine
" She was removing a syringe from her cheek," flank?
"The good news was I had survived" You never came with any bad news.
" I couldn’t tell what her colors her" where
"and I could barely make out her butterfly cutie mark" Delete. You just made a mystery for the readers by saying it was too dark to see the colour of her hide properly, then don't ruin it by telling what the cutiemark is.
" I reached into my bag and wrapped my jaws around the figurine of Fluttershy" delete, explained above
" The grenade fell to the ground. It barely made a sound." combine
"This shot simply broke the camel’s back. " The shot is an explosion, and the sentence could easily be deleted.
"Do me a favor and get me some hydra and Med-X" Hydra is a name in this situation, so capital letter.
" She staggered towards where Packrat had been laying down. Mirage lied beside her and groaned loudly." combine
"My attempt to repair until morning was equally useless." repair? Wrong word much?
" The sounds she made resembled how she snored…. " 4 periods
Took me 3 days to complete the chapter and write my full chapter review/feedback/comment. But it is done at last!
The flow was clearly a single chapter thing, because there was nothing to comment on in this one, so yay for that!
Nitpicks
“Ow….” Four periods
" He didn’t even it make it to the warehouse." delete
"It wasn’t much; it hardly anything." if?
"Sister…." Kill a period
"I nodded my thanks and took a bowl for myself" Linebreak
"My friend is telling me to go kill myself…." nah go kill a period
" I just needed a bit of time. I could think of one great way to pass the time. " They have been told that they are guests, badly treated guests, but guests... Why not stomp on the paper, getting a piece of coal to write with by the zebra of smithing?
" that okay with you?” I nodded. " Linebreak
"She loaded a few slugs into Opus and took the assault rifle with her" slugs is a special kind of shotgun ammo, like a giant single pellet. Opus was a revolver so far I remember, so properly not slugs it use.
7523665
What about the other major antagonists?
9019441
I don't believe so. There is a little Starlight Glimmer in Crystal Hearts' lore, but she doesn't in the present. The changelings appear, but Queen Chrysalis is dead before the story starts.
So nice seeing Greek letters and all that, but since like no one of your reader base properly know Greek would it properly be for the best to turn the Greek letters into latin ones, keeping the Greek words, just changing the letters out. Like no one knows what "γάμος" sounds like spoken, but write "gámos" and people will at least know how this forein sounds like.
HA! Always love math logic like that. Seeing characters going from 1/4th of the loot to 1/8th of the loot since they want a raise is also a lovely joke
So another arc of the story is over... And I do really not know what to think. This is perhaps the only story that I have read, beside PH, that have gone so much up and down in quality. at least are this story looking to be going up again where PH crashed for me. So for upwards and onwards!
Nitpicks
"Finally, Zeus stood up. “Dionysus!” Dionysus pressed his front hooves over his mouth and lowered his head. “Thank you.”
Dionysus nodded. He lowered his hooves and thankfully didn’t start talking. He did keep bouncing in place. " linebreak, for both lines
"Dionysus turned to face his father." Linebreak
"“The last pony you ever want to aim a gun at, Wings" Linebreak
". I wasn’t really how to communicate wat happened to each without differentiating." feels like you are missing a few words, and "what"
". Te ghoul head in Severance was the Magic totem" the
OI! The movie had freaking awesome airships! I want my airships in Fallout Equestria god damn it! There need to be at least one story out there where a group of rag tag ponies loot one and transports shit around under the cloudcover!... there simply have to be!
And speaking about the length of the chapter… Always quality over quantity. A small wholesome appetif before the new arc begin is so much better than a chapter that have been stuffed with sawdust to stretch it out.
Nitpick
". Don’t shoot.” > delete
So... This story have been silent for over an year... Any change of it getting an update?