When six spirits resembeling the figures from the Zodiac come to Ponyville and possess their friends, its up to Twilight and the Cutie M. Crusaders to stop them from wreaking havoc. Rated T for Sexual content and alcohol usage. Enjoy! Plz Comment! Features Void.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hm. Well, I certainly can't wait for part two. This was an interesting one, that's for sure. I liked it, though. A lot. And I hope you don't mind my criticizing/editing/revising it, I just love giving feedback.
The plot itself is pretty well put together, the chronological events seeming to be placed right. And I, being a huge fan of the zodiac signs, enjoyed the story a lot.
Revising:
Perhaps you could try using some longer, more flowing sentences? The sentences are not bad enough for me to say choppy, but it would be something to consider. And, instead of just describing something, think about using some literary devices to give a more clear image. Your imagery and descriptive language is decent, but a metaphor or some onomatopoeias wouldn't hurt
Editing:
Now, keep in mind that the story itself isn't bad. There were just some punctuation or grammatical errors every now and then.
1. The possessive form of "Fluttershy" or "Rarity" is ended with an apostrophe s ('s), rather than using the words in their names that refer to another definition, such as the "shies" in Fluttershy, or "Rarities", which would be referring to one or more objects of value.
2. If you pause naturally when reading a sentence, put a comma. Be sure your sentences don't run together without breaks.
3. You might want to put your story through a spell and grammar checker before it is published. I do that now, and it helps a lot. It would certainly catch things like, "allright", which should be spelled alright.
4. By "zodiacal" or whatever, did you mean astrological? I know the zodiac signs are sometimes referred to as the astrological signs, due to their having of constellations, and I thought that sounded a bit better to the ear.
5. I believe your use of conversational tone is incorrect here, due to the story being told in third-person. Such as using the word "whatever" when it's not clearly stated that a character in the story is thinking that. When a story is told in third-person, the narrator is not a character, and therefore must not speak or comment like one.
I don't think there was much else for the editing, just small grammatical things and such. I believe if you keep trying you'll get better. I know I certainly have, simply by practicing.
I did notice one thing, though, and that is the way your story is placed. You clearly have chapters, for it it stated before every one, and FIMfiction does have a button for adding new chapters to your story. You might want to seperate your chapters from one humongous thing to the way FIMfiction planned.
Well, I hope this helps, and I hope you don't take it the wrong way. I know sometimes criticism can be hard to absorb, for I've had problems with it
Good luck on the second part! I'll be looking out for it!
~T3cHn0 K!tT3n
579164
so many words!
But thanks for the feed back. I wiz told the exact same thing when I posted this on fanfiction.net.
I'll see if I can get my lazy a$$ up and edit it.
Uugh...
so tired from revising Void of the Heart...
579435
Heh heh, yeeah... I like to give feedback, as you can tell
I know what you mean with the "tired of revising this stupid piece over and over" thing. I've done that with many unpublished pieces of mine, trying to get it juuuust perfect. I guess you gotta stop eventually!
But, yeah. Take as much time as you need with the editing and such of this. I'm a bit of a... well... lazy @$$ myself when it comes to writing. I love it, but once I take a break, it takes me a while to get going again
"take this humble gift for your win..."
I bucking hate you... take the awesome one instead
a34.idata.over-blog.com/1/86/41/04/XII/00055-Ehon-Belias-Le-Titan.jpg
images.wikia.com/finalfantasy/images/d/d7/Zodiark.jpg
588813
I like he second one better.
What are they?
589258
"
boss summon things from ff xii who represent the zodiac signs.
"Even though the last one doesn't...
CH1:
"(Yes I know, I cut out the sex scene. Sorry! I'm not good at writing scenes like that.)"
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*rage quit*
Now in all seriousness I can help.
Ch7:
"(Just a quick note, the spirit that was possessing Fluttershy was Cygnus. Cygnus isn't a zodiacal figure, but it's better than Fluttershy being Pisces, "the fish") "
Where is she from? Roman?
Also Indeed I did not see her as a fish...
Epo:
(I decided to let this one sit for a while because i had ideas for other stories that I want to do. Anyways, leave feedback and comments! Thanks for reading my story! Stay tuned for Part 2...!)
FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*rage quit*
Agian I can help if you want...