The Forest of Danger, Kind of...
I am in my bed and my heart is racing. Was it just a dream? Yogi is still asleep in his bed and I go to him for my own comfort.
It's very subtle but I begin to notice that things becoming darker. With every step a light extinguishes. Yogi finally awakens and very slowly, mechanically and abnormally, turns his head to look at mine.
In an instant I am staring at the alicorn.
“Man’s best friend no more!” she screams. I turn on my heels and run. A door is open and I bolt through it into the impenetrable darkness.
I don’t know how long I am running before the alicorn appears in my path. She lunges at me…
She is licking me?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I awaken to find that Yogi is licking my face. That’s when I realize that I am in a castle. Not any ordinary castle but a castle in ruins complete with the roof torn off. Several torn tapestries line the walls and some sort of structure or statue with five spheres sits on a dais taking center stage. I can only hope that I’m still dreaming so that I’ll wake up soon.
This dream sucks…
“We pray that your slumber was restful,” a voice calls out. I know that voice.
“I’m not entirely convinced that I’m not still dreaming,” I respond. Getting to my feet reminds me that I am still in my pajamas and am currently barefoot. I briefly notice my backpack lying in a heap next to me so I pick it up. “Too many unexplainable things here.”
“Alpha,” I hear another voice from right next to me, “the horsebeast is scary.”
“For one thing,” I sigh, “my dog is talking so I must be dreaming.” The alicorn looks confused.
“Your dog talks?” she asked. Wait, she can hear him right? It can’t just be in my head.
“You’re doing a great job of convincing me that I’m awake,” I dryly respond. "I thought that you were finished with me, can you just send me home?"
"In time," she responds. "For now we may require your assistance in dealing with a meddlesome mare."
"Eternal night is not a popular idea I take it," I snark at her. The stress must be getting to me because I'm feeling braver than I should.
"The night will no longer be ignored," the alicorn began. "Those ponies will appreciate my work!" In that moment I could relate to her.
"You have a thankless job," it wasn't a question. "So do I." Now isn't the time to forgive her though. "Can we get on with whatever it is you need from me so I can fucking go home?"
"As we have told thee, in time." She is getting on my nerves.
"So what is the fucking hold-up?" I ask and Yogi begins growling.
"Back off horsebeast!" he barks. "Alpha is mad!"
"Shut up Yogi," I tell him and he surprisingly listens, then I redirect my focus. "Care to enlighten me?"
"Very well," she begins. "A mare knows of our legend and is attempting to stop my glorious night. She is no match for our power but I would rather not take my chances. I shall need to harness the power of the Elements of Harmony to effectively stop her but I need something to focus my power on, that is where you come in."
"What are the Elements of Harmony?" I ask. "It's not dangerous is it?"
"Only if you are not a harmonious creature," she answers. That makes me nervous.
"Wait, harmony? Can you even wield this power? Eternal night is hardly considered harmonious." A cold glare is cast my way but the chill is soon replaced by fury.
"After my banishment this is what I am due!" she screams in my face. I am suddenly reminded that I do not have control here.
I want to go home. I cower for a moment before I make a decision. Do I want to die a coward or a brave fool? Well I have always been a fool...
"Who gave you the right to treat others so callously?" I stand before the alicorn and notice that her eyes are level with mine. "You kidnapped me and now you refuse to let me go so I can be your guinea pig?" I'm not sure when I started shouting but I notice it now. "If you want my help we do this my way."
She is not yelling, she is just staring. Her posture went defensive during my episode but she seems to have calmed herself.
"Very well Mr. Starr," she begins. “We won’t be needing your help after all.” Her horn starts glowing before I realize that I am not going to like her much.
“Oh fuck me,” I exhale. Not my best choice for famous last words but it all becomes moot as the spell hits me and the castle fades to black.
When the world comes into focus I am at the edge of a forest and surrounded by six ponies. They look surprised.
“Whoa nelly!” the orange pony wearing a stetson exclaims.
“Wait a minute,” the rainbow-maned pegasus begins. “You’re the creature who was with Nightmare Moon after she announced her plan. You’re working with her!”
“Hardly,” I reply. “She kidnapped me and now I appear to have been discarded.” I take a moment to assess my surroundings before I realize the futility of it all, a town lies down the road in the direction away from the ominous forest. “I’m willing to bet money she’s in there. Dream or no dream I just want to go home. Come on Yogi.” The silence bothers me so I look around again. “And she didn’t send my dog, great.” I take my first steps forward only for my foot to land on a rock. I’m not proud of what happens next...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Somewhere down the path a policemare sat. Eternal night was promised so confusion and panic had sprouted forth from the townsponies.
“Please return to your homes,” she said to the crowd. “I promise that everything in our power is being done to solve this dilemma.” The grumbling voices begin to quiet down but that just reveals a softer noise being carried through the square. A noise dampened by echoes and distance but still holding power.
It was unintelligible but full of malice and hatred. A chill ran down the spine of every pony present and the square began to slowly empty as ponies realized they had better things to do.
Whatever monster was being disturbed enough to make that noise at least it was far away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“...WITH A FUCKING GARDEN HOSE!” I’m breathing heavily after making many bold threats that don’t seem physically possible in retrospect. Now that I’ve sufficiently calmed down I notice six pairs of eyes focused on me. Look, I’m not proud of it let’s just continue.
“Um,” the purple one, or would lavender be more appropriate, begins tentatively. “You seem to be having problems.” I sigh and realize that I have my backpack on me so I begin looking through it.
“I just want to go home and that alicorn knows how to get me there,” it wasn’t a question that needed to be answered but voicing my motivations seemed prudent. In my backpack I found a pair of flip-flops from the last trip to the beach I had taken. “Better than nothing,” I said as I put them on.
“Wait right there,” lavender ordered me as she turned toward the rest of the group. “We need to decide what to do with him.”
“Clearly he’s working with Nightmare Moon so I say we just tie him up and leave him here,” rainbow offered. I don’t think I like this one.
“Now Rainbow Dash,” stetson began, wait her name is actually Rainbow? “we can’t just leave him alone in the Everfree. Who knows what could come ‘round. ‘Sides he’s not working with Nightmare Moon.”
“And you know this how?” offered the white one. Kind of reminds me of a marshmallow.
“He ain’t lyin’,” stetson offered with a shrug. “Ah can tell that much. He just wants ta go home. So why not bring him with us?”
“So he can just vanish once he figures out how to go back?” lavender asked. “How is that supposed to work?”
“She has the Elements of Harmony,” I said and all eyes were on me again. “I doubt they’re going to let her use them though. I just need to get back and I’ll try talking some sense into her again.”
“She is in the Castle of the Two Sisters?” lavender asked me.
“I’m guessing that name is supposed to mean something,” I say aloud. “We were in a ruined castle before she decided that I was unnecessary.” Wait, she knows something. “Do you know how to get to that castle?”
“Nopony has been there in centuries but its last known location was deep within the Everfree Forest,” lavender explained.
“So nothing substantial,” I sigh. “Did you guys have any real plan or did you just decide to save the world?”
“Well I could track the magical signal of the teleport to find our destination,” she said mostly to herself.
“How does that work?” I ask. She looks surprised that I asked.
“All magic leaves a trace it’s just a matter of narrowing it down,” she stares at me for a second before her horn begins glowing. “Hold still.”
A strange sensation falls over me. It almost pulls me in two as I feel drawn somewhere behind and somewhere toward the forest. After a moment it passes but the taste of copper lingers in my mouth.
“Perfect!” she exclaims before pointing toward the path ahead. “The teleport originated from that direction.”
“Great so we don’t need this weird thing anymore,” Rainbow chimed in.
“Unless you lose your path,” I offer, “then you’ll need to reorient. Face it Rainbow you need me and I will go back to that castle and get my dog back.” I start walking down the path before voicing my next thought. “And kick that alicorn on my way out.”
After a moment I heard hoofbeats following me. I think I’m winning them over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I know this is a very important mission to save the entire world but isn’t there some sort of caution we can take?” I say to the group as we overlook a cliff.
“What do you mean?” Twilight, the lavender unicorn as she introduced herself, asked. I stare in response and motion toward the large drop just feet away from our current position.
“Nightmare Moon is aware that you are after her,” I begin, “and if I wanted to control the world I wouldn’t hesitate to drop the only people who know of my plan off a cliff.”
“But this is the most direct route to the castle,” Twilight counters.
“I know I just don’t like it,” I respond.
“I understand what ya mean,” Applejack, the orange mare with the stetson, offered. “The Everfree just don’t sit right with me. It just ain’t natural.”
“You know why that is?” Rainbow mocked the group from above. “‘Cause everypony who’s ever came in has never come out.”
I’m sure I had some dry remark to throw the pegasus’s way but I was distracted by the fact that the cliff had collapsed directly in front of me causing the four ponies without wings to begin plummeting to their doom.
Immediately Rainbow Dash and the other pegasus, a yellow one named Fluttershy, sprang into action and rescued marshmallow, I mean Rarity and Pinkie Pie. Twilight and Applejack had to contend by themselves for the time being just like I had to contend with being alone on the edge of a very unstable cliff…
“Okay,” I said to calm my nerves, “how do I get down?” I look around and notice some outcroppings spaced apart along the cliff’s face but I would never be able to make the leaps with my own legs. “I think I’ll just wait for the pegasi.”
Down the cliff I notice Applejack holding Twilight as she is about to go over the edge. It looks like they are talking but I can’t make out what they’re saying. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash begin flying back toward them when Twilight just resigns herself to falling over. She is caught and Applejack starts making her way down the cliff.
“I don’t suppose someone can come get me!” I shout down to the ponies. Within a few moments Rainbow and Fluttershy are at my side.
“I’m not doing this for you,” Rainbow throws my way, “I’m doing this ‘cause Twilight needs to do that spell.”
“Glad to see where your loyalties lay,” I throw in her face. We take off and reach the group without further incident.
On the ground Twilight does her spell again, this time the taste of copper makes me feel momentarily sick but we keep moving forward.
“So Applejack?” she turns to look in my direction. “What did you guys do on that cliff up there?”
“I told Twilight ta let go,” she says. “Told her everything would turn out alright if she did.”
“You mean to tell me that you didn’t tell her that the pegasi were heading back and would catch her?”
“Nope.”
“That is a terrible plan.”
“It was the honest truth,” Applejack counters.
“Honest would have also been telling her that she would be caught,” I retort.
“I couldn’t hold her forever,” Applejack begins. “I needed her to understand that she needed to act now.” I could see the logic there.
“That is still a terrible plan,” I offer, “and I’m surprised that you went with it Twilight.”
“She sounded really convincing in the moment,” Twilight offers. “I couldn’t bring myself to believe that she would lie to me.” I decide that it’s probably best for my sanity to just let it go.
Down the path we go while Rainbow Dash recounts her rescue story repeatedly. I feel the need to tell her off but something tells me that my patience will be rewarded.
Then we encounter a manticore.
“Manticore!” Twilight shouts. The manticore roars in response and I back away slowly. What? I’m not fighting it.
The rest of the group are surprisingly well equipped to fight the beast and I think that they’re going to finish it off when Fluttershy interrupts the action.
“WAIT!” Fluttershy shouts and, surprisingly, everyone does.
“It’s okay,” she tells the monster and it just shows her its paw. A thorn is stuck in it. Of course there is. “This might hurt for just a second.” She removes the thorn and is greeted by a roar followed immediately by being licked in the face. The manticore soon takes off into the forest.
“How did you know about the thorn?” Twilight asked before I finished processing what I just witnessed.
“I didn’t,” Fluttershy began. “Sometimes we all just need to be shown a little kindness.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“And I am going to do my damnedest to forget what I just witnessed,” I say. I don’t want to talk about it.
“Why would you want to forget that Pinkie just saved us from a horrifying forest?” Twilight asks. She’s going to make me talk about it.
“Because it implies too much,” I sigh in resignation. “Where did the music even come from? Look, I don’t want to know so I’m just moving on.” I feel that my statement would evoke more dramatic tension if my current path wasn’t blocked by a raging river. The universe is out to kill me via subtle irony, I just know it.
“How are we gonna cross this?” Pinkie chimes in moments before crying is heard in the distance. Everyone just shrugs and moves toward the noise. Might as well get this over with.
We are greeted to a sea serpent sobbing in the water and violently thrashing. I guess that’s the source of the treacherous pass.
“What a world, what a world,” the serpent shouts on the wind. I have a feeling that I’m not in Kansas anymore. Shut up, that was funny and you know it.
“Excuse me sir,” Twilight begins, good thing too I’m in no mood for this. “Why are you crying?”
“Well, I don’t know,” I’m getting a big drama queen vibe from this guy. “I was just sitting here minding my own business when a tacky little cloud of purple smoke just whisked by and tore half of my mustache clean off, and now I look simply horrid!” He breaks down into wailing sobs once more.
Sure enough, half of his mustache is missing and he's going to wallow in self-pity about it. I hate everything this guy stands for. Applejack and Rainbow Dash appear to mirror my sentiments. Unsurprisingly Rarity seems sympathetic.
“Oh just look at him,” Rarity speaks up. “Such lovely luminescent scales.”
“I know,” the serpent, I’m calling him Steven, responds.
“And your expertly coiffed mane,” Rarity keeps indulging him.
“I know, I know,” Steven replies. What? He reminds me of a guy I know named Steven.
“Your fabulous manicure.” I wish she’d get to the point already.
“It’s so true.” Shut up Steven.
“All ruined without your beautiful mustache,” Rarity finishes.
“It’s true!” Steven shouts. “I’m hideous!” Well, he’s got one thing right.
“I simply cannot let this crime against fabulosity go uncorrected,” Rarity dramatically boasts. She yanks a scale from Steven’s body and raises it high.
She cuts her own tail off. Steven dramatically faints. While he's down Rarity attaches her tail to his face.
“Oh ho HO!” Steven begins. “My mustache! How wonderful.”
“Rarity, your beautiful tail…” Twilight begins.
“Oh it’s fine darling,” Rarity placates her concerns. “Short tails are in this season. Besides, it’ll grow back.”
“So would the mustache,” Rainbow adds under her breath.
“I think I’m going to like you,” I throw Rainbow’s way. “In any event with Steven placated the river is no longer a deathtrap so we can cross now, right?” Everyone stares at me.
“How did you know my name is Steven?” the serpent asked me.
“It’s just what I was calling you in my head because you remind me of a friend I have,” I say before thinking.
“Interesting,” Steven eyes me closer. His voice seems to drop to a seductive tone before adding, “Were you close with this Steven?”
“Did you have to ask that in the creepiest way possible?” I begin wading in the river before the serpent’s tail rises and forms a bridge under my feet.
“Allow me,” he flamboyantly offers. At least that made crossing the river easier. “And don’t be a stranger,” Steven added before disappearing underwater.
“So,” Rainbow hovers over my head ready to dash whatever respect I have growing for her, “you gonna come back to see your boyfriend or what?”
“Don’t make me add your name to the list of equines I’m supposed to kick,” I say before marching forward.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“There it is,” Twilight points to a set of ruins ahead of us. “The ruins that hold the Elements of Harmony. We made it!” She takes off.
“Wait for us!” Applejack shouts before following after her. I briskly jog knowing the futility of trying to keep up with horses. This leads me to seeing Twilight almost fall off a cliff.
Apparently there was a rope bridge here that fell down some time ago. I really should have seen that coming.
“What’s with you and falling off cliffs today?” Rainbow asks.
“Now what?” Pinkie offers. In response Rainbow begins flying.
“Duh!” Rainbow says while flapping her wings. She takes off and grabs the rope bridge. She flies into the fog ahead. The rest of us wait.
“Does anypony wanna sing a song?” Pinkie offers.
“For the love of God no!” I shout. Pinkie just shrugs.
“Okie dokie lokie,” Pinkie says. We continue waiting in silence.
“What is taking Rainbow so long?” Twilight asks after a few moments. Half of the bridge was assembled but the other rope needed to be secured. “Oh no! Rainbow don’t listen to them!” she begins shouting across the chasm.
I take a look and just before the fog rolls in I see Rainbow talking to some strange ponies in flight suits. They seem sinister. I have no idea what to expect now. So imagine my surprise when a few moments later the bridge goes taut and Rainbow flies back to us.
“I’d never leave my friends hanging,” Rainbow boasts and we continue to the castle.
Surprisingly we make it with no incident, which is exactly what worries me as I stand outside.
“Moment of truth,” Twilight mentions behind me. “It’s time to see if it was wise to trust you.”
“The only thing I know is that we are expected,” I sigh. “I’ll go first.” I step through the threshold and find myself stepping out of the freezer at the deli.
Wait, what?
“What the hell were you doing in there for so long?” my manager asks me.
“I don’t even remember coming to work,” I begin. “I think I should go home.” I start walking past him but he puts an arm up to block me.
“You have to finish your shift,” he leers at me. We’re unionized, something is not right. I look down and I’m still in my pajamas.
“God damn dream logic,” I offer to no-one-in-particular and throw a punch at my manager.
That’s about when the entire deli exploded and I was left floating in a void. I am in way too deep here.
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Element of Common Sense, The, noun: The rarest element in the universe. There's not even enough of it to put it on the periodic table.
6857089 well now I'm just upset that I didn't think of that first.
6857281
Thanks. I was really channelling my inner Ambrose Bierce there.
Its the matrix, he will wake up back in the real
world thinking it was a dream when it actactually happened. Can't wait to see the next chapter.
*Gasp!*
An update!
6857474 Good thinking, but too obvious for my tastes.
6858329 *Gasp* I know!
6858908 *la groan* now we have to wait for another. I NEED MOAR
6895455 I love your comment.
Um can we get another chapter I am loving this story