Rarity goes seeking inspiration and finds something else instead.
(For the record, this takes place pre-Mare-in-the-Moon)
Written for Everfree Northwest's 2015 PreCon Contest.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 12th Mar, 2013
- offline last seen Last Friday
CinnamonSwirltheBreaded
Not sure if writing clop or giving biology lessons.
CinnamonSwirltheBreaded
Joined 12th Mar, 2013 ·
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Interesting story even if it be short and it's not too often one reads stories that are about ponyville pre-Twilight Sparkle days and can see this happing.. Might be interesting for her to meet Rainbow Dash after this..
I always like these back story um, well... stories
I enjoyed seeing the budding friendship between these two. And the characterizations were great.
Rarity was a little exaggerated. But I guess in her mind every day life could be like this
Nice job
5783515
I'm surprised that they're rare, really. I mean, at least some of the mane 6 knew one another before Twilight entered their lives.
5786548 My thoughts exactly but none the less it's true; You'll see a ton of post Twilight Sparkle stores but pre TS ones are rare; It's not that I don't think any fanfic writers don't question what happened or could happen but I think it's because we only seen little moments in their pre TS that they find it hard to come up with stories or find a point of ref to go by... Or it could be because it's simpler to mess with what we do know.. But give them enough time and I'm sure they'll become less rare... But for now it's the future impact of season 5 that'll have ALL the writers going for 26 episodes..
A good story of how these two met. And yes, all the evidence points towards them being friends before Twilight showed up.
I have discovered a few technical-y, structural-y, nit-pick-al-y suggestions I would throw your way to improve the flow (and if you'd like, feel free to PM me if you're open to suggestions). That being said, I really like this story. You've got a cute little tale to tell that fits comfortably under 3,000 words, your Rarity is dazzlingly Rarity, and your Fluttershy/Angel duo are equally wonderful. Everyone is solidly in character, especially in a pre-Twilight time frame. You've got a like and a watcher today. Thanks for writing.
5798669
Sure, but I can't make any changes until after the judging.
Of course! I only meant in a general sense. Your story is already being judged as it stands.
Now that the contest results have been posted, I just wanted to tell you that I nominated your fic to join the final round. While I'm sad to say it was edged out by the eventual top-eight stories, I just wanted you to know that, as a judge, I had hoped to see this particular story go further and get more recognition. I thought you deserved it.
In any case, thank you so much for writing! Entries like this one made my first stint as a judge an absolute blast!
5907617
Thanks, at least now I can go back and make all the little fixes I need to
I didn't realize it went so far in the judging.
I have the strong feeling that 'outdoors' is singular, weird as that is. There's only one 'outdoors,' it just happens to exist outside of... several doors... Man, English is strange now that I'm thinking about it.
There's an extra space here. I'm picking nits!
Delete 'up.' A Spring line up would be ponies in a row, and you'd point to the one who mugged you.
Change 'small' to 'few.' It sounds like she outfits foals.
Don't fix this, I just thought it was clever.
I'd choose either 'vista' or 'panorama,' they both kind of mean the same thing.
I think I'd delete this line. Or move it up a sentence. It's a bit out of place where it's at, much like
in social situations.
then
Missing a word. I'd recommend 'I wish Opalescence 'took' this much interest...
Princesses
Shoot. I think the proper phrasing is 'offer it 'by' way of an apology...' Yeah, I think that's right.
Feels clunky. Maybe: 'to a nervous filly whom a mother had dragged into my shop for a cute-ceanera dress.' Also, how in the blazes did you get the tilde over the n? I've yet to figure that out.
worse
Add the word 'to.' 'I can't ask you 'to' do that, Rarity!'
There are a few commas I restrained myself from wrangling, but that should be most of the big, clunky stuff. I wish I had the time/energy to make a similar list of moments I enjoyed, but I hope you'll understand that I'm nitpicking these details only because I really like this story. You write Rarity's PoV with flair and clever panache. (Panache needs an accent over the e, right? Teach me accents over letters! Gah!) It's your call, of course, but I do hope you take a little time and polish this one a bit. It deserves the love.
5937428
I fixed most of what you've pointed out, but I want to be more awake before tackling that sentence restructure. As for accents over letters, most accents use a numpad code, with alt. for example, to type é you use alt+0233.
That said, in this case I just copy pasted the accent I needed.
This is very sweet but it feels a bit incomplete.
Loved the interaction of rarity and fluttershy!