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Some ponies come into your life and quickly go.
Some show up on your doorstep with a squadron of hungry soldiers and refuse to leave.
Much to Princess Platinum's chagrin, Commander Hurricane belongs to the latter category.
It's a shame she can't tell him off without summoning an eternal blizzard.
Spanish Translation from Spaniard Kiwi!
An entry for the EFNW pre-con writing contest.
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Goodness, I loved this. There were so many subtle tasty things that added so much to the story. It was very simple, and yet characters were built and relationships were explored without telling the reader anything. We just watched.
I especially loved little details like that six unicorns normally managed the sun. It was quick paced, engaging, and very sweet at the end. A great bite of fan fiction. Thank you!
5777336 Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
There are NOT enough Commander Hurricane stories.
Another brilliant piece Fahrenheit. Can't believe I missed these earlier... The world building was fantastic, and you built up Platinum and Hurricane's characters very well in very few words.
Also, Ponky liked it, which generally means you've done something very right.
5785616 I completely agree!
5788766 Hey, thanks! It was probably the most word-crunching I've ever had to do; glad to know it worked. And yeah, I'm still blinking in shock a little bit.
Life never ceases to amaze me!
Unfortunately, this story is too long for the EFNW Pre-Con Contest, which has a maximum of 3150 words.
5801828 Drats. Guess I better get a new word processor.
i.imgur.com/wG4HIzZ.jpg
Thanks for the heads up.
5802079
Hm... I'll ask and see if it can be included anyway, given that screenshot.
Official EFNW 2015 Pre-Con Contest first round grading
(Provisional: This might still be disqualified for length; I need to hear back from the other judges about it.)
Total: 19.8
Technical: 4.8/5
Plot: 4/5
Character: 4/5
Creativity: 4/5
Bonus: 3/5 (Surprisingly epic for a short story.)
Comment: Some interesting delving into the world of very early Equestria, and it was quite well executed. A tiny ding on technical for some strange spacing in between paragraphs at times... or were those supposed to be section breaks? If so, still a mark off for two one-sentence sections. The plot felt strangely expansive for a story so short, and some good character development was done, though I would have liked to see Hurricane's character made a bit more interesting. Platinum's character was very well done, though. Although it's obviously not possible in such a short word count, I would have liked to see more resolution to the ongoing problems described, or maybe a more in-depth treatment of the arrival of the alicorns, but I can understand sticking with the tighter focus, given the restriction in length.
5802266 Thanks, I appreciate both that and the provisional feedback.
I kind of like these little (Pre)Classical Era stories. Not so big to be off-putting for someone just looking for a little time killer, but with enough content to satisfy people who like to see things like Equestria's origins.
5811372 It was definitely an exercise in condensed world-building; glad it was able to satisfy!
You'd think that Celestia or Starswirl would give credit to where credit is due, having cleared the winter and bringing up the sun, likely making it easier for Clover and the rest to find their way home.
I only wish this story continued. It was really nice, and had that genuine feel of character growth here. Though the description made it sound as if there was more anonymity between these two. She let them in without much fuss, a good and generous host. Not a nitpick in the slightest, just slightly surprised things went so smoothly.
A few questions. Did Princess Platinum lose her crown or does she still rule? Sounds like she's still a princess but more in name than an actual princess of her people, now.
Are the princesses in their more adult stage and now being given the throne to rule over the three tribes? How do they ascend to power among the ponies?
This had a wonderful level of friendshipping with hints of a potential bond between Platinum and Hurricane. Do you think these things, a unicorn no less, mixing blood with ponies of other tribes to be taboo? By extension, were you trying to hint at a possible romance here?
Silly questions, I know. But here's the last of them: Are there any chance for a sequel or series of one-shot episodes to this story? Because I for one would adore to see a bit more of how these ponies lived their lives and how Starswirl and the alicorns affect Princess Platinum and the others.
Especially since it's implied Platinum has such a low magical aptitude, was this more due to lack of confidence due to how she was treated back home in Unicornia and made to feel she isn't needed when others can do it for her? Or what? You have a lot going here. Especially that friendshipping that might one day blossom into a heated romance between the two that could spark moral prejudices among purists and her father. Well, maybe not that outright mean-spirited. Emotions in the pony world seem to attract things so who knows how ponies will react to things they've been born and raised to believe was right and wrong.
I loved this story, is what I'm saying. Fantastic job, for sure, though I wonder: Was the parade when Platinum and the others returned, was that for them or the alicorns and Starswirl and Clover? Or did the ponies actually celebrate the return of our seemingly uncredited heroes, this part remains unclear to me no matter how often I read those words.00
5893285 No, no, those are fantastic questions! They're actually almost identical to the issues I'd like to explore more fully. In answer to your most pressing question--yes, I am planning on completely reworking this story. The most frustrating part of writing this was being forced to delete sentence after sentence in an attempt to stay under the word limit for the EFNW contest. What with the various conflicts, emotions, and historical occurrences, this really isn't a story that should be kept under 3k words--though I completely understand why the limit is there, and I fully agree with it. Allowing entries too many words just isn't feasible from the logistical, judging aspect of a writing contest this big. However, I think this time period/setting is ripe for writing, and I fully intend to take this piece and give it as many words as it needs for it to develop properly, once the contest ends/school takes a chill pill/etc.
Since your questions basically follow the plot I've got sketched out across half a dozen sticky notes scattered across my Writing Wall, I'd be happy to send you the answers in a private message--they're all typed out, but I don't want to reveal too much in the comments, especially since they might eventually qualify as spoilers.
However, in answer to your last question, the festivities were being held in honor of the alicorn sisters. This final version of the story is missing a small segment where it's hinted that Celestia raises the sun at the same time that Platinum brings in spring. The ponies in Canterlot Keep see Celestia's role in the sunrise, but they remain unaware of Platinum's contribution, and thus the sisters are credited with both bringing the dawn and sending winter away. I see where it's a bit ambiguous--I'll try to make that more clear in the future.
5894585 Far as the ones pertaining to this story? Sure! If you plan on making any side stories or sequels or just expand this one after the contest, then I'll just wait to read that over spoiling any future surprises.
I dare say, I would love to read more of this as a series or In The Life chapters of world building in those days with the three tribes pre and post Hearthwarming.
You write them well. It's a shame these characters don't have their own tags, even if it were just the mane 6 dressed as them. Not that they would look like the mane 6 anyways, possibly resemble colors maybe, but I think people should start tagging these with Mane6 tags if only so more can find these when they do specific character tag search for stories. This labeled only as "Other" and "OC" which is terribly vague and two of the least searched tags.
Bleh. I hate this sites limiting tag system. I'd rather have some damn bloat then not be able to find stories like THIS, to which I've wanted to read more of. And the messed up part? WE USED TO HAVE MORE TAGS!
Stupid. Just stupid.
Beautifully done, bravo.
You really wonderfully characterized Platinum and Hurricane, I loved the subtle thought from Platinum, like her feelings about having such a weak magic pool, or their bonding over the terrible puns.
5935820 Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Yep, just what the Angels said: characters and world building. Mix in a little adventure marinate in some quality writing, and the delicious result is a well-seasoned fanfic. The bringing-in-spring sequence was a loverly piece of prose.
While I wasn't overly fond of the present tense, I was fond of this story. It had some nice bits of world-building sprinkled in among the excellent character development.
5801828
You do realize Fimfic's coding is odd and counts things like contractions as two words in its word count, right?
5949946 Thank you!
It was a tricky part to write, I'm glad you think so.
5953019 Ah, I'm so accustomed to writing in present tense that past tense throws me off a bit. I'm glad it didn't hinder your enjoyment too much. Thanks!
Excellent! I've always thought there should be (as they say) MOAR stories of the founding era and the Original Mane Six.
5954863 Thank you! I agree, that era is so fascinating.
Hmm... the princesses not officially pointing to their own not-bringing in spring and the hearth warming's eve story portraying Platinum and Hurricane as useless... Well, nopony would have believed the two and the rest is history. I approve of this ambiguity.
Anyway, great story that brings the characters to life and with a nice bit of world building as side order. Plus a bonus Discord goat.
I reviewed this story as part of Read It Later #74.
My review can be found here.