How Not to Bake a Cake

by All Secrets and Lies

No Cakes Here

Twilight wasn't sure how this was even possible. How could her attempts at baking literally blow up in her face in a cloud of black dust and pink and blue icing? It just didn't seem plausible for confectionery to explode; surely it didn't contain the properties necessary to explode.

Why was the icing even out if the cake hadn't been finished yet?

Another enigma that somehow added to the mess that had not only splattered her and the surrounding kitchen but the pony who had been attempting to teach her to cook: Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie was wearing an oversized chef's hat (because she said it "boosted morale" or some such nonsense that Twilight had decided not to pursue) and her face was completely covered in a black mask of soot and charcoaled cake not to mention globs of colorful icing. She looked utterly ridiculous, and Twilight couldn't help but think that she probably looked even worse.

Pinkie smiled at her, teeth almost blindingly white against the black of the soot, "Wow, Twilight! That was incredible! I've never been able to make dough go BOOM like that before!"

Twilight scowled, "What went wrong?"

Pinkie just blinked, "You weren't trying to make it explode? I thought that that's what you did all day long in your laboratory and you just came over to do it in the kitchen this time with me."

"No, Pinkie!" Twilight dragged a hoof across her face, her frown deepening when she realized that the black had transferred to her hoof, "Weren't we trying to bake a cake?"

Pinkie's eyes widened, "Ooooohhhh! That's right! Well why'd you blow it up then?"

Twilight stared incredulously at the pink pony, but Pinkie seemed to be regarding her with genuine curiosity rather than condescension so Twilight let her anger out with a sigh.

"I guess I'm just a terrible baker." Twilight rubbed a hoof on the wood of the table, clearing a small path in the grime and revealing the maple grain underneath.

Silence blanketed the kitchen. Pinkie seemed to be thinking really hard about something, but Twilight wasn't really feeling like asking what about. She would much rather wallow in self-pity, thank you very much.

"Are you upset?" Twilight blinked. Pinkie now had an expression verging on tears, and Twilight jolted in surprise at the sudden shift.

Twilight shook her head briskly, "No no no, Pinkie, I'm alright." She blew air out her nose, "I'm just a little frustrated at my incredible lack of skill in the kitchen."

Pinkie perked a soot-covered eyebrow and smirked, "You know what would make you feel better?"

"What?"

Pinkie slid over to stand next to Twilight in a single smooth movement, "I'll bet getting all nice and clean will make you feel right as rain in no time!"

Twilight felt heat blistering in her cheeks as Pinkie drew her mouth nearer and nearer, slowly as if to tease her. She couldn’t really think of anything to say, one way or the other, and making Pinkie stop or asking her to hurry up didn’t seem within her skill sets at the moment. Her pulse quickened as Pinkie drew herself up and dragged her tongue slowly across the purple fur of Twilight’s throat, cleaning a path through a glob of bright pink frosting. Twilight shivered as small waves of pleasure rippled outward from the touch of Pinkie’s tongue.

Pinkie giggled, “Mmm! Soooo yummy!”

Twilight swallowed. “Oh? Is it?”

Pinkie lowered her eyelids into a sultry expression and ran her muzzle through Twilight’s silky mane, purring, “Mhm. And the frosting isn’t that bad either.”

As Pinkie continued to run her muzzle along Twilight’s neck, the unicorn was presented with a gobbet of frosting of her own on the earth pony’s shoulder; without thinking, her tongue darted out and swiped it up in a single, deft movement. Pinkie squeaked.

She chuckled in Twilight’s ear, “You want to play too? Sounds good to me!”

And that’s all it took. Twilight shook off the haze of indecision, and Pinkie could see the fire burning in her eyes as a cheeky smirk drug across her cheeks; she nuzzled her cheek against Pinkie’s smearing the soot around until a small spot of dingy pink peeked through. She planted a gentle kiss, leaving the spot slightly darker than it had been seconds before. Pinkie turned to face Twilight head on, and the unicorn wasted no time locking muzzles.

It was all warmth and energy and moisture as the two ponies wrestled for control over the mouth of the other, and it didn’t take long for Twilight to finally concede and part her lips just enough to let Pinkie slip in. Electricity sparked as Pinkie ran her tongue over every inch of Twilight’s mouth, exploring the curves of the walls and the ridges of her teeth. Twilight felt heat everywhere, and battled once again with Pinkie’s tongue, a force indeed to be reckoned with, until she finally made headway into the other pony’s mouth. She savored the taste of her, enjoying every tremor and movement that she felt up through her limbs. The chef’s hat fell to the floor unnoticed.

The two broke apart, gasping for breath, each eyeing the other hungrily. Pinkie was the fastest, scooping the unicorn into a tight embrace against her chest, and bringing Twilight’s head just slightly below her own chin. Twilight made a noise as if to inquire what Pinkie was planning, but Pinkie just went straight to work. No time for words, that time had come and gone, it was only time for action now. Which was what Pinkie was best at.

Twilight gasped and then moaned when Pinkie ran a loving tongue ever so slowly up the ridged surface of her horn. A small blob of frosting had hardened slightly on the very tip, and Pinkie danced around it, teasing the flushing pony beneath her, until she finally wrapped her lips around it and began to suck. Twilight inhaled sharply, bit her lip in an attempt to muffle her groans of pleasure, and her hind legs began to jerk slightly behind her. Pinkie grew bored of trying to suck the stubborn lump off Twilight’s horn, so she rested her teeth against the hard surface and grazed tenderly upward, eliciting sharper sounds from Twilight whose legs kicked a little more insistently.

The frosting came off, finally, and Pinkie held the shape in between her teeth triumphantly; Twilight breathed heavily, wiped a hoof across her damp brow, and darted in to steal the clump of frosting with a speedy flick of her tongue.

Pinkie cocked an eyebrow at the smug little unicorn, “You’ve got a quick tongue there.”

Twilight grinned wickedly and wrapped her hooves around Pinkie’s neck, “Don’t I though?”

Pinkie opened her mouth to respond, but clamped it shut with a sharp inhalation when Twilight’s quick tongue found its way to the outer shell of her ear.

Pinkie gasped, “Ooh! Twi-Twilight!”

“Yes?” Twilight rumbled, her mouth still engaged with the dirty little ear.

Pinkie clenched her eyes shut as her cheeks grew hotter and redder, “You know m-my ears are really-- ah!-- really sensitive!”

Twilight smirked, “Is that right?”

Pinkie nodded, and Twilight stuck her nose right into her ear and breathed, “Well I’ll be extra careful then.”

Twilight slowly worked her way around the shell, dragging her tongue leisurely around the curves and folds. Pinkie chirped and let out deep moans when Twilight gently scraped tooth against flesh, nipping softly in between licks. The very tip of the earth pony’s ear was completely covered in frosting, so Twilight teased the outside briefly with her tongue, eliciting sounds of pleasure from Pinkie, before finally wrapping her lips around the whole tip and alternating between sucking and nibbling. Pinkie lost it.

She squirmed out of Twilight’s grip so quickly the unicorn found herself prone on the floor. She rolled over to find Pinkie looming above her, cheeks blazing red, and light perspiration dampening her forehead. Pinkie locked eyes with Twilight for only a brief moment before diving right in for another kiss. Twilight felt her eyes go wide at the intensity that Pinkie brought to this new round, but they slowly lowered shut as her body screamed for nothing but that thrill of pleasure that came pouring out from this other pony. She felt a hoof tenderly stroking the side of her face and then the locks of her mane from around her neck.

Pinkie disengaged and began peppering kisses on the side of Twilight’s neck, trailing up and around her jawline and back down to the base of her throat. Approval rumbled in Twilight’s diaphragm as she stretched herself out in a silent plea for more. Pinkie obliged, running her hooves down Twilight’s sides, alternating drags of the tongue, butterfly kisses, and gentle nips down her torso and up the small mound of her stomach. Pinkie paused at the belly button, planting five kisses in a circle around it before nuzzling it playfully. Twilight giggled and twitched.

Pinkie laughed, “Are you ticklish, Twilight Sparkle?”

Twilight shook her head and warned, “Don’t you even think about IT-!”

The last word choked off with a yelp as Pinkie stuck her tongue into the unicorn’s belly button. She couldn’t help herself; she ran her hooves furiously up and around Twilight’s stomach, playing a discordant tune with Twilight's squeals as she tickled her ribs. Twilight’s voice raised an octave or two as she flailed her hooves and begged Pinkie to stop, tears forming in the corners of her eyes. Pinkie allowed herself a few extra guilty seconds before stopping; Twilight lay still again, panting slightly in an attempt to regain her breath.

Pinkie travelled back north and stared down into Twilight’s eyes again. The purple pony was trying her hardest to look gruff, but her eyes were soft with affection, “Don’t tickle me.”

Pinkie nuzzled Twilight’s cheek, “Whatever you say, Sugar Plum.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow and stuck out her lower lip. “I mean it! And I don’t like that nickname either.”

Pinkie grinned, “What should I call you then, Bookworm?”

Twilight ran a gentle hoof over Pinkie’s foreleg, “Why not just call me by my name? It’s worked for years now.”

Pinkie lowered herself onto the ground, snuggling up to the other pony who rested her head on Pinkie’s shoulder, “But what’s the fun in that?”

Twilight shrugged, “If you can find something to call me that I don’t mind hearing, we’ll talk. Sound good, Pinkius Piacus?”

Pinkie rested her chin atop Twilight’s head, careful not to touch her horn, “Whatever you say, Love of my Life.”

Twilight took a deep breath of Pinkie’s scent and let it out with a sigh, “There you go, getting all mushy on me again. You always do that after we fool around a little bit.”

Pinkie ran a hoof absentmindedly over Twilight’s shoulders, “Why shouldn’t I? I love you. You love me, or at least you say you do and I don’t think you’d lie to me about that.”

Twilight gave Pinkie’s shoulder a quick kiss and a nuzzle, “Of course I wouldn’t. I just think it’s funny that you always get so sentimental. You’re usually less contemplative.”

“It’s just that,” Pinkie paused, “I remember so strongly that I love you when we’re together, and I can’t help but want to be absolutely sure that you know just how much I need you.”

Twilight didn’t respond for several seconds, “I know.”

“You do?”

“Mhm. And you know what, Pinkie?”

“What?”

“I need you too.” A beat of silence. “Although…”

Pinkie opened her eyes with a frown, “Although? Although what?”

Twilight stifled giggles, “You’re a terrible teacher.”

Pinkie snorted, “What makes you say that? I’ve taught you lots of stuff.” She waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Twilight smirked, “Oh of course you have. But I should mention that this,” she patted Pinkie’s leg, “is most definitely not how you bake a cake.”

Comments

[All Secrets and Lies]

This is obviously the highest caliber writing which should only be taken one hundred percent seriously.

[Krizak]

572945
What you say in jest, I say in all seriousness. This is a very good, fluffy yet sensual, a hilarious situation turned into yet another affirmation of love between two ponies who have been together for years. It's a beautiful look into the day-to-day lives of a Twilight/Pinkie relationship.

The only thing I disagree with in this entire piece is how you labelled it 'Mature;' it may be a pretty intense makeout, but I think as long it's just a makeout, this could be rated 'Teen.'

Anyway, this was a fantastic first effort, completely new author who I have never heard of before. I look forward to your future works.

[All Secrets and Lies]

574541
Why thank you, complete stranger I've never met before in all my days! I'm glad you enjoyed this little TwiPie funtime.
Maybe I'll change the rating. I just don't want any poor innocent minds working overtime here.

574571
Thank you. I'm glad that you liked it.

[DreZoma]

Yes... quite...

[blankieflank]

Hot stuff! But seriously, it was a fun read!

[BronyPie]

Liked it a lot, always a fan of twipie fics.

[PonyPuffy 2012]

Welp I read the whole thing, and all I can about this is...

i1083.photobucket.com/albums/j400/static_abyss/brillaint.gif

[FanNotANerd]

Ahh, that was good. Cute, not overly cloppy, but not overly safe, either. And I liked the brief introspection concerning the explosive properties of cake. And...

Pinkie just blinked, "You weren't trying to make it explode? I thought that that's what you did all day long in your laboratory and you just came over to do it in the kitchen this time with me."

Anyway, a couple errors in sentence structure in the beginning. Nothing major, and it seemed to have been cleared up towards the end, but it was still there. And of course, there's the use of "drug" as a past-tense version of "drag". I don't understand why so many people use that instead of "dragged", the correct version.

[Krizak]

575043
I know that feel, bro.

[All Secrets and Lies]

575043
This may be hard to believe considering I have a single one-shot up right now and that's it, but I know what you're feeling.
What you've got to do is first take a second to just breathe. Did you plan any of your work before you started? If so, go back and think through what you've planned, think about where you were intending to take the story and what your intentions were for writing it in the first place. If you get stuck, read back through what you've written and see if the next step doesn't present itself.
The pressure you're feeling is normal. Getting a lot of feedback and a lot of people looking at your stuff all at once is overwhelming and can make the whole process harder. It's critical at this point to just forget for a minute about those people and focus on yourself. Do you want to continue? Are you able to continue? If it is painful and nothing is coming consider taking a break. Give yourself some time to step back and think it through. If after some space you realize that you'd much rather be doing something else or that you don't think you can continue then let it go. People will be disappointed, not going to lie about that (I've read your story, and I am a fan) but disappointment only lasts a little bit, and I think that people will understand.
That's all I've got right now. Sorry if it doesn't help.

[All Secrets and Lies]

575074
Whoops. I'll have to go back and fix that.
I can't believe I used "drug" and even worse that I didn't catch it on my read through.
Thanks for the feedback.

[11Bolts]

Stop, Boner
Boner: No

[Mayuhito]

This was so funny and cute. The characters were completely real feeling. Loved seeing Pinkie acting serious a bit when telling Twi she loved her. Really loved this one-shot. Great Job!

[Jack Fennec]

DAAAAWWWWWW

[Pinkius]

Why do I like all the ships with Pinkie Pie!?
Oh wait... *avatar*

[CBM8]

TwiPie....contemplated this ship as I read....

And now I love it.

[All Secrets and Lies]

576067
It's because for one reason or another Pinkie is just so much fun to ship with everypony.
576421
Welcome aboard.
576883
Thank you. I'm glad you liked it.

[Donnys Boy]

Light, sweet, and fluffy--just like cake. Also a little spicy and a little serious, which is a nice complement. Kinda like putting hot sauce on your cupcakes, y'know?

My favorite part was when Pinkie got a little sappy after the EPIC MAKE OUTS. I just really like the idea that she'd do so, I think, that her softer side would be brought out by EPIC MAKE OUTS.

[ThoriumIsBestActinid]

Wow, I can't believe I read this... Okay... this was good... I like it... I was getting worried it was getting too cloppy, but it seemed to ride the edge pretty well. Good job!

[Derpfish]

>>Krizak
Saw what Twilight's doing in your pic bro.i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/002/252/me-gusta.jpg

[R-B-D]

As noone seems to have bothered yet, here it is:
pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/133602796360.gif

Good read, and you kept it relatively 'clean' as well!

[MasterZero]

I liked it. Very saucy, but not overblown. Pretty good story.

[iloveportalz0r]

This story is composed entirely of secrets and lies!

[All Secrets and Lies]

612764
Isn't it though?
Isn't it?

[iloveportalz0r]

614606 a.deviantart.net/avatars/i/h/ihavenoideamedicplz.gif

[burning-ruin-666]

love it but it lacks clop for im a suporter of it its bringing more posebilaties in there well im of finding some more twipie

[LeVortex]

i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/208/064/dashGusta.jpg

[The Unknown Twinkie]

I love it, TwiPie rules^^

[master109]

twipie is best pony shipping

[Pidgeons]

Twipie
Yield: Infinite
Ingredients:
1 Pinkie Pie
1 Twilight Sparkle.
This Story.

Directions:
Attach this story to the end of any "Twilight and Pinkie Pie become a couple" fic or fantasy.
Stir thoroughly.
Serve extremely well heated.

[OGquickscopen]

I think ive found my new favorite ship! OMG LOVE LOVE LOVED IT

[INACTIVE_ACCOUNT]

Yes.
I like this.

[charliebrown921]

6216500 for when they got done with the frosting